Please help--feeling confused again
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 223
Please help--feeling confused again
Hey all. A brief summary: my AXBF dumped me a couple months ago after relapsing. He is currently in an inpatient rehab program. After finding out he was using and cheated on me, I still offered my support and friendship. Well last weekend I found a Facebook post saying he was in a relationship. On his way out the door I said tell her I said hi. And that was the last I talked to him. Today his older sister told me he said it was an opportunity--meaning he can use her to get money or cigarettes or whatever.
Today he called me and I ignored it. Then he called his little sister ((I'm friends with both sisters and was with them) and wanted someone to buy him cigarettes. I told his little sister I wouldn't. Then we went to his big sisters house and he had called her. Same question. I told him no. Well would I run them out if his older sister gave me the money. Again no I wouldn't. Well can I talk to Aurora? No he can't talk to me. So he called my phone and I ignored it again.
He left a voicemail saying I wasn't supporting him doing his thing and if my emotions come up from what he's doing ("dating") then it's just going to stress him and he doesn't need that. He's done. I'm nothing more than an ex now I always have a place in his heart but he's not going to deal with me anymore. He said he hopes I find someone who makes me happy and be blessed.
I know in my brain he is mad because I didn't do want he wanted me to (get cigarettes. Even though I've given him an e cig and replacement e cig, so why need a pack?) and I know in my brain that he doesn't want a relationship with this girl. I do accept that he is using her. Because that's something I can see him do. He's mad because he can't use me anymore because I won't give him the response he's looking for.
I called his older sister and told his younger sister sorry for putting them in the middle. The general consensus is he shouldn't be in any relationship other than with himself. That's when his older sister told me this new girl is just an opportunity. My response was that's pathetic.
Like I said. I know that in my brain he's mad because I'm not doing what he wants. And he's thinking poor me I'm in trastment I should get rewarded for this work I'm doing. However. I'm crying on his sisters couch (they're asleep) because I'm feeling so disappointed. I cannot let to of the idea of us Being together someday. I picture each of us doing our own work (I've started attending alanon but haven't done any work yet. Only a few meetings. Naranon doesn't meet frequently or near me.) and I know that I can't love him better. But then again, he cheated on me. Yes he was high but he did. And the time he was using (again I didn't know he was) was the time I started feeling like he was sneaking around and hiding. I thought maybe it was field (like he was hiding his phone and locking it) but it was drugs. Or both. I told him I would never fight over him. But I would fight for him. But there comes a time when you see someone self destruct and you need to get out of harms way or get caught in the cross fire.
So it's not like things are going to be fine and dandy after his 90 days are up. But I do love him. We were talking about marriage! I'm in love with him. But I don't trust him now. I did at one point. I don't now. I don't believe anything he says. But I hate the idea of not being wjth him someday. But I know that if were not good for each other then we owe it to ourselves to stay away. The problem is that I feel so selfish like I'm perfect for him or for anyone so why wouldn't he want to be with me? I know that sounds like an a*hole thing to say. But then his whole family always says the same thing and cheers us on. Everyone says I'm so good for him. When we first got together especially they said they saw a different x. A better x. Maybe he was just trying so hard to be that perfect x for me and he reached a point where he couldn't keep it up. He told me once during a fight I was selfish. Maybe that's what he means. It's all about me right?
I wanted to call his counselor. He said I could call at any time. I don't know what to say. But I keep thinking if my x pulls his roi and visitations his counselor is going to want to know why I'm sure. And I can't see how x is going to make a convincing pitch without saying something along the lines of "she doesn't like that I have a new girlfriend and she wouldn't buy me cigarettes" but I know that a part of me wants to talk to his coinselor so his counselor Can tell me how good I am for x (like x's family always says. They love me!) should I call? I was thinking if saying I think j screwed up I'm not sure what to do to be supportive in this situation. But i don't want to rat X out and I know he's in good hands. And I almost wonder if he's going to call and take it back? Maybe that's wishful thinking.
His little sister said he will have to do amends. Maybe I'm making myself important, but I cannot imagine that I wouldn't get amends. We were together for two and a half years and were talking about marriage--I was a big part of ios life. Or maybe it was all a lie crafted so he could continue using. Altuought I don't think he was using until the last 8-9 months (even though he says 6)
Sorry for the rambling it's way past my bedtime and I can't see the whole thread to make this make sense. And misspellings (not easy on my phone!) thanks for reading.
Today he called me and I ignored it. Then he called his little sister ((I'm friends with both sisters and was with them) and wanted someone to buy him cigarettes. I told his little sister I wouldn't. Then we went to his big sisters house and he had called her. Same question. I told him no. Well would I run them out if his older sister gave me the money. Again no I wouldn't. Well can I talk to Aurora? No he can't talk to me. So he called my phone and I ignored it again.
He left a voicemail saying I wasn't supporting him doing his thing and if my emotions come up from what he's doing ("dating") then it's just going to stress him and he doesn't need that. He's done. I'm nothing more than an ex now I always have a place in his heart but he's not going to deal with me anymore. He said he hopes I find someone who makes me happy and be blessed.
I know in my brain he is mad because I didn't do want he wanted me to (get cigarettes. Even though I've given him an e cig and replacement e cig, so why need a pack?) and I know in my brain that he doesn't want a relationship with this girl. I do accept that he is using her. Because that's something I can see him do. He's mad because he can't use me anymore because I won't give him the response he's looking for.
I called his older sister and told his younger sister sorry for putting them in the middle. The general consensus is he shouldn't be in any relationship other than with himself. That's when his older sister told me this new girl is just an opportunity. My response was that's pathetic.
Like I said. I know that in my brain he's mad because I'm not doing what he wants. And he's thinking poor me I'm in trastment I should get rewarded for this work I'm doing. However. I'm crying on his sisters couch (they're asleep) because I'm feeling so disappointed. I cannot let to of the idea of us Being together someday. I picture each of us doing our own work (I've started attending alanon but haven't done any work yet. Only a few meetings. Naranon doesn't meet frequently or near me.) and I know that I can't love him better. But then again, he cheated on me. Yes he was high but he did. And the time he was using (again I didn't know he was) was the time I started feeling like he was sneaking around and hiding. I thought maybe it was field (like he was hiding his phone and locking it) but it was drugs. Or both. I told him I would never fight over him. But I would fight for him. But there comes a time when you see someone self destruct and you need to get out of harms way or get caught in the cross fire.
So it's not like things are going to be fine and dandy after his 90 days are up. But I do love him. We were talking about marriage! I'm in love with him. But I don't trust him now. I did at one point. I don't now. I don't believe anything he says. But I hate the idea of not being wjth him someday. But I know that if were not good for each other then we owe it to ourselves to stay away. The problem is that I feel so selfish like I'm perfect for him or for anyone so why wouldn't he want to be with me? I know that sounds like an a*hole thing to say. But then his whole family always says the same thing and cheers us on. Everyone says I'm so good for him. When we first got together especially they said they saw a different x. A better x. Maybe he was just trying so hard to be that perfect x for me and he reached a point where he couldn't keep it up. He told me once during a fight I was selfish. Maybe that's what he means. It's all about me right?
I wanted to call his counselor. He said I could call at any time. I don't know what to say. But I keep thinking if my x pulls his roi and visitations his counselor is going to want to know why I'm sure. And I can't see how x is going to make a convincing pitch without saying something along the lines of "she doesn't like that I have a new girlfriend and she wouldn't buy me cigarettes" but I know that a part of me wants to talk to his coinselor so his counselor Can tell me how good I am for x (like x's family always says. They love me!) should I call? I was thinking if saying I think j screwed up I'm not sure what to do to be supportive in this situation. But i don't want to rat X out and I know he's in good hands. And I almost wonder if he's going to call and take it back? Maybe that's wishful thinking.
His little sister said he will have to do amends. Maybe I'm making myself important, but I cannot imagine that I wouldn't get amends. We were together for two and a half years and were talking about marriage--I was a big part of ios life. Or maybe it was all a lie crafted so he could continue using. Altuought I don't think he was using until the last 8-9 months (even though he says 6)
Sorry for the rambling it's way past my bedtime and I can't see the whole thread to make this make sense. And misspellings (not easy on my phone!) thanks for reading.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Don't call, dear, they may not talk to you anyway as their purpose is his rehabilitation and recovery and they may not be able to discuss the private information of a resident. Talking to them won't change anything.
He lies, he cheats on you and he tries to mentally abuse you into doing what he wants you to do and then mentally punishes you when you won't comply.
That's not the stuff a healthy relationship is made of, even when drugs are out of the picture.
I know it hurts and I know it is very hard to let go of your dreams of what "might have been", but you are worth so much better than all this.
You did well by not taking his calls, keeping some space between you will help you take care of yourself and begin to heal.
Keep moving forward, please don't live a life "waiting" for him to become what he may never become. Life is far too precious for that.
Hugs
He lies, he cheats on you and he tries to mentally abuse you into doing what he wants you to do and then mentally punishes you when you won't comply.
That's not the stuff a healthy relationship is made of, even when drugs are out of the picture.
I know it hurts and I know it is very hard to let go of your dreams of what "might have been", but you are worth so much better than all this.
You did well by not taking his calls, keeping some space between you will help you take care of yourself and begin to heal.
Keep moving forward, please don't live a life "waiting" for him to become what he may never become. Life is far too precious for that.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
He's your ex, and while the idea of staying friends with an ex seems appealing and civilized, it is clear that this guy just wants to keep stringing you along so he can use you as a means to an end. He may not be using right this minute, but he is still thinking like an addict. Addicts use anyone and everyone they can, case in point about the new gf. Was that supposed to make you feel better? "She's just an opportunity."
I get the feeling this guy views everyone who has the misfortune to cross his path as an opportunity. That is not a positive quality for anyone to have, whether friend, bf or whatever.
He broke up with you after cheating, he has a new gf. Keeping in contact with him and his family is causing you pain and confusion. You deserve better. Good call on the Alanon meetings, that is a great step to take for yourself. Hugs.
I get the feeling this guy views everyone who has the misfortune to cross his path as an opportunity. That is not a positive quality for anyone to have, whether friend, bf or whatever.
He broke up with you after cheating, he has a new gf. Keeping in contact with him and his family is causing you pain and confusion. You deserve better. Good call on the Alanon meetings, that is a great step to take for yourself. Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 26
I agree with totfit - get away from him and his sisters. It could help a lot if you find people you like to do things with - a community class of some kind, a spiritual community, a bicycle or hiking club, a book gp, a dance gp -- the possibilities are endless. Maybe volunteer with an organization you like. You write well - what about becoming a reading tutor for elementary kids? Kids that don't learn how to read by the end of 3rd grade have a drastically reduced chance of success in life.
My oversimplified point - when you remove something, you need to replace it with something good.
Be good to YOU.
My oversimplified point - when you remove something, you need to replace it with something good.
Be good to YOU.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Kiddo...time for some very tough love.
Your AXBF is toxic. He's a liar, a cheater, a manipulator, and a user. He is functionally a sociopath, and will use anyone and everyone to get what he wants. He will do so without remorse.
And this is all you need to know. All of this is demonstrably true.
So pardon me for being blunt, but why the hell do you continue to have contact with someone who is a liar, a cheater, a manipulator, and a user?
The easiest and best solution to this problem is to put as much distance between you and him as possible. That means no Facebook, no texts, no emails, no phone calls, no anything. Lose him. Get rid of him. Ice him. Be done with him.
By choosing to have contact with him, you stall your recovery. And I think you've had quite enough of this punk's act.
Your AXBF is toxic. He's a liar, a cheater, a manipulator, and a user. He is functionally a sociopath, and will use anyone and everyone to get what he wants. He will do so without remorse.
And this is all you need to know. All of this is demonstrably true.
So pardon me for being blunt, but why the hell do you continue to have contact with someone who is a liar, a cheater, a manipulator, and a user?
The easiest and best solution to this problem is to put as much distance between you and him as possible. That means no Facebook, no texts, no emails, no phone calls, no anything. Lose him. Get rid of him. Ice him. Be done with him.
By choosing to have contact with him, you stall your recovery. And I think you've had quite enough of this punk's act.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
be done with the whole lot of them. he's a user and cheat and a liar. how many phone calls to try and get SOMEONE to get him a pack of smokes???? what a selfish little punk.
he dumped you.
he cheated on you.
he lied to you.
he used you.
you are wasting WAY too much mental effort trying to color this as something other than it is. no don't call his counselor. or his sisters. get out of the drama-rama.
the whole "line" about you being good for him? then why did he relapse and hook up with somebody else? you can't save him. not your job. and he sure as hell ain't interested. unless you have money for smokes that is. is that all you want to be good for to someone??????
he dumped you.
he cheated on you.
he lied to you.
he used you.
you are wasting WAY too much mental effort trying to color this as something other than it is. no don't call his counselor. or his sisters. get out of the drama-rama.
the whole "line" about you being good for him? then why did he relapse and hook up with somebody else? you can't save him. not your job. and he sure as hell ain't interested. unless you have money for smokes that is. is that all you want to be good for to someone??????
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 223
Thanks guys. I work with his dad and so staying away from the family is easier said than done. I really don't want to throw away my two friendships because of him. They've been good about not getting in the middle of it. Even last night his older sister said nope I'm not in the middle I'm not telling aurora anything. You can call her and tell her yourself. That's when I ignored him. Ha.
So what happens if his counselor calls me in for part of his family and friends therapy? According to x that's a part of it and I've heard of family and friends day by other posters.
How come some people can stay and work through it and some of us get told to run? Marriage? Kids? We have neither. So maybe that's it.
And thank you all for your support. I'm in school for my second bachelors degree (accounting) part time. And I work full time. I'm a weekend visitor to his family and my weeks are spent doig my own thing. That's part of why it was so easy for x to hide his use from me. And this spring I was gone for three and a half months on work. So yeah I really didn't know.
I think the best thing to come out of this (so far!) is that I don't worry about is breaking up if I call him on his b.s. I heard my little voice inside my head the last part of our relationship but shushed it (he's my first boyfriend--maybe I just don't know what a relationship means? Maybe this is normal?) so now he cheated and broke up with me. There's nothing standing in the way of me saying hey no this is how it really is here, I see the truth.
I found a quote from eat pray love about falling in love with a man's potential and being let down. I feel like this was me. I see x as the man he can be. And that's who I want to be with. But he's not that. I know he isn't now. Maybe someday he will? I don't regret anythig and even if this is how it ends I'm thankful to have known him and see this entire relationship as a life lesson.
Thanks again all.
So what happens if his counselor calls me in for part of his family and friends therapy? According to x that's a part of it and I've heard of family and friends day by other posters.
How come some people can stay and work through it and some of us get told to run? Marriage? Kids? We have neither. So maybe that's it.
And thank you all for your support. I'm in school for my second bachelors degree (accounting) part time. And I work full time. I'm a weekend visitor to his family and my weeks are spent doig my own thing. That's part of why it was so easy for x to hide his use from me. And this spring I was gone for three and a half months on work. So yeah I really didn't know.
I think the best thing to come out of this (so far!) is that I don't worry about is breaking up if I call him on his b.s. I heard my little voice inside my head the last part of our relationship but shushed it (he's my first boyfriend--maybe I just don't know what a relationship means? Maybe this is normal?) so now he cheated and broke up with me. There's nothing standing in the way of me saying hey no this is how it really is here, I see the truth.
I found a quote from eat pray love about falling in love with a man's potential and being let down. I feel like this was me. I see x as the man he can be. And that's who I want to be with. But he's not that. I know he isn't now. Maybe someday he will? I don't regret anythig and even if this is how it ends I'm thankful to have known him and see this entire relationship as a life lesson.
Thanks again all.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 223
I have a good model of a successful relationship after recovery: my dad is a ra and he got sober before I was born. He and my mom have been married for 33 years this month.
I don't really talk to my parents about my dads drinking, although after this with x he said we should go to lunch and chat (I still live with them, so I have a good relationship). Maybe I'm hoping that x and I can do it because I know it's possible--my parents did.
I don't really talk to my parents about my dads drinking, although after this with x he said we should go to lunch and chat (I still live with them, so I have a good relationship). Maybe I'm hoping that x and I can do it because I know it's possible--my parents did.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Let your absence from his life be all the calling him on his bs that you need. And why worry about family day at his rehab...just let go girl, don't engage' it will only prolong the pain and it won't end well or be different next time.
He is a manipulator, don't be a volunteer for his need to control and use people.
Hugs
He is a manipulator, don't be a volunteer for his need to control and use people.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
"We were talking about marriage! I'm in love with him. But I don't trust him now. I did at one point. I don't now. I don't believe anything he says. But I hate the idea of not being wjth him someday."
Read that quote of yours again. Do you see the contradiction? Your brain realizes the truth of the situation ("I don't trust him now") but your heart is in Lala land ("I hate the idea of not being with him someday.")
Your brain sees things as they are and is trying to keep you safe.
Your heart is stubborn, immature and selfish, and is going to take you down if you aren't careful.
Read that quote of yours again. Do you see the contradiction? Your brain realizes the truth of the situation ("I don't trust him now") but your heart is in Lala land ("I hate the idea of not being with him someday.")
Your brain sees things as they are and is trying to keep you safe.
Your heart is stubborn, immature and selfish, and is going to take you down if you aren't careful.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 223
Yeah. I feel like if he really is successful in his recovery he will understand why I had to do what I've done. But realizing that's something he does on his own and has nothing to do with me.
I hate this! His little sister said yeah it's hard, but it gets easier. In a few years it'll be x who? Yikes I'm not there yet.
I hate this! His little sister said yeah it's hard, but it gets easier. In a few years it'll be x who? Yikes I'm not there yet.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 79
Oh sweetie I have been there many times and I kind of am now as well. But with my current relationship I've noticed a difference. He lied and cheated..if he wasn't an addict would you forgive him? Bc his addiction did not make him cheat, he let it happen! Unfortunately maybe your relationship was all a lie. Tho you will never know and you deserve to never have to question that. Most likely even tho you know you shouldn't you will date and possibly marry an addict bc of your father. And that is not a bad thing. But like someone else said he is not your father. Not all addicts will treat their girlfriends so poorly they question everything. He has a new f2f and isn't thinking about u. Bcuz most likely he is going to continue to use. And this new girl won't question it for a while. Keep your head up. Go to alanon. But know it's okay to begin the moving on process. Right now he isn't going to make u happy.
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