Trying to understand my Alcoholics addiction

Old 08-31-2014, 11:48 AM
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Trying to understand my Alcoholics addiction

I have posted in other forums since i have joined this wonderful website. Reading and posting here has helped relieve so much stress and anxiety I can not begin to express how helpful all of you here have been even if you have not replied to me directly.

I am going through a very rough time right now (clearly not nearly as rough as some of you) I walked out on my Fiance of 3 years on july 24th.. my Birthday... finding her passed out drunk on the couch and a half a bottle of liquor hidden in her purse was the last straw for me.

I am trying to understand (If that is even possible) Why she and her family are passing the blame of all of this onto me. So that is why I am creating this post in hopes to gain a better understanding of what has happened and in the process maybe relieve some of the guilt that I have for leaving her laying there passed out (I did not abandon her there, i called her parents immediately upon me leaving the apartment) but understand she started becoming violent and has attacked me in the past, called the cops on me to try and have me arrested when she got up super early on this passed new years day and drank an entire bottle of southern comfort.. I called her mother because i freaked out and didn't know what to do, i didn't know if i needed to call an ambulance or if she could die or what... my fiancé woke up to hearing me on the phone with her mother in the other room and just went ballistic, started punching me, tackled me choking me all the while i am still on the phone with her mother.. and this did not seem to bother her mother at all.. her mother did however stick up for me with the cops when the got there and came to my defense.. her mother has since turned on my as my ex fiancé has as well and i have been completely cut off since my ex went to the hospital and then to rehab. Her family will not speak to me and my ex has only said "you can come and get your things when i am ready, please leave me alone" that is all i have heard from her since july 24th.





so i guess what i am trying to comprehend is how can she be upset with me when she drove to the liquor store, she purchased the bottle and she hid it in her purse... she hid it from me throughout my birthday dinner and waited until i was not looking to open it and drink over half the bottle. The mind of an addict baffles my non addict mind... how is it possible that she can truly believe that i did something wrong..

The only thing i can think of is that she is mad that after i drew a line in the sand a couple weeks before, she got caught and I carried out my end of my ultimatum... No more would i allow her to abuse me, choke me, kick me... no the physical stuff only ever happened once in three years... I am a guy and it may seem backwards that a guy is talking about physical abuse from an alcoholic fiancé... but let me tell you i had to stand there and use every ounce of my being to lock my hands and my arms and let her punch me in the face and not slip and hit her back... letting her abuse me was the hardest thing i have ever had to do i was so angry that she was doing it and afterwards i was so hurt that someone who told me they loved me would try to hurt me. I did not want to hurt her so i had no choice but to let her hurt me... i did not want my life ruined by a stay in jail over losing my composure.

after that i actually slept in my pants for several weeks worried to death she would wait until i fell asleep to go to her new hidden stash wherever that may have been and drink more then start another fight and try to hurt me... maybe next time she would get a knife! Im sorry after that happened my trust for her was completely destroyed and i had no idea what she could be capable of. That really hurt our relationship, my not being able to trust her anymore... she noticed it and started fights over it... we lost intimacy and that was my fault.. i didn't tell her she was pretty enough and that was my fault.. i no longer wanted to talk about the wedding and that was my fault.. i didn't love her enough and that was my fault... the list goes on... but i know now that it was not my fault that anyone in my situation would feel the same way had they been abused and lied to by an addict like that... no one would want to discuss wedding plans after being abused, having bottles hid all over the apartment, have her mother tell me to start hiding my wallet in my glove box in my car, having her lie to my face, catching her drinking in the morning before work and denying that she had.. even though i had marked the bottle in the freezer with a marker and could clearly see the level was significantly lower than the mark i put on it the night before.
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Old 08-31-2014, 11:54 AM
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you made a stand and exposed her addiction. its that simple. you didn't just go along and let her get away with it any longer. you said NO.

it HAS to be your fault, in her mind, their minds, because if it isn't YOUR fault.....then it must be...........HERS. and none of them can allow that.

protect the addiction at all costs.

sounds like its the best thing for you to be out of that nightmare. never EVER again let anyone abuse you, not for one night, not ever.

I did not want to hurt her so i had no choice but to let her hurt me...

you had another choice....walk away, leave, remove yourself from the situation and the abuser. now, you don't have to worry about that. some very big life lessons for you!!!!
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Old 08-31-2014, 11:56 AM
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Your right.. thank you for your informative post..

please keep the thoughts coming I have been learning so much since I have joined yesterday.
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Old 08-31-2014, 11:57 AM
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The blame shifting is SOP among alcoholics and their enablers. You are a convenient target, being the ex. None of it can be her fault, because that might lead to uncomfortable realizations about her drinking. The family wants to stay in denial so they go along with it.
So sorry to hear that you suffered physical abuse. That is never OK, ever. You deserve much better.
You may never understand her or her family's distorted thinking, but you can understand yourself, find out what makes you tick, why you stayed so long for so much abuse (I am not criticizing you here, I did the same thing, stuck around WAAAY past the expiration date should have passed on my last relationship.
I've been working things out with Alanon and through individual counseling. You made a good, healthy choice for yourself. Nothing to feel guilty about.
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Old 08-31-2014, 11:57 AM
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Unfortunately for me i still have personal belongings there and she still has my engagement ring.... which was decent chunk of change.. i am not sure if i am able to get any of those things back... and frankly i have to really decide if i want to go through the pain and agony of having to go back there even if a cop is with me....
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Old 08-31-2014, 11:58 AM
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Glad you are here. The best way to help her is to focus on you. There are great stickies here on the board and there is Alanon.

As an alkie, I blamed anyone but myself for my situations. Until I was ready to get sober, nothing anyone did or said was going to keep me from drinking.
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Old 08-31-2014, 11:59 AM
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Hi, exparatrooper, and welcome to SR. I'm glad you've been able to find some help here. Keep on reading and posting.

Trying to understand your A is a noble thing to do, but ultimately it's probably going to be useless. As long as she does not choose to seek help for herself, nothing will change. It doesn't matter if you understand or not. As I'm sure you've seen by now, an alcoholic will not stop drinking until he/she is damn good and ready. There is truly nothing you can do to change that.

What you will mostly find on this section of the forum is ways for you to take care of yourself, to regain control of your own life and not to make your happiness dependent on what the A does or does not do. That doesn't mean ignoring her behavior, it means gradually working towards your own freedom and health. This thread might give you some ideas about how that might begin: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

Alanon meetings can be a powerful resource for both education and face-to-face support, and I'd highly recommend adding them to your box of recovery tools. This article But I Don’t Want to Go to Al-Anon! helps to explain why we, the families and friends, need help every bit as much as the A does.

Please read as much as you can in this section, and absolutely make sure to read the stickies at the top of the page. There's a lot of wisdom there.

Again, welcome to SR, and I wish you strength and clarity.
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Old 08-31-2014, 12:02 PM
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Originally Posted by ladyscribbler View Post
The blame shifting is SOP among alcoholics and their enablers. You are a convenient target, being the ex. None of it can be her fault, because that might lead to uncomfortable realizations about her drinking. The family wants to stay in denial so they go along with it.
So sorry to hear that you suffered physical abuse. That is never OK, ever. You deserve much better.
You may never understand her or her family's distorted thinking, but you can understand yourself, find out what makes you tick, why you stayed so long for so much abuse (I am not criticizing you here, I did the same thing, stuck around WAAAY past the expiration date should have passed on my last relationship.
I've been working things out with Alanon and through individual counseling. You made a good, healthy choice for yourself. Nothing to feel guilty about.
Thank you for taking the time to respond. I am not making an excuse here I just want to clarify... I just got hired with a company i will not name working from home. Job paid pretty well about 17 bucks an hour.. I would be working on the computer. The training would have started Aug 11th... July is when she went way downhill with the drinking and it kept getting worse.. I did not have the money to move, and neither of my parents had internet. I would also have to get permission from this company to move and have my home address changed.. it is very complicated but the reason i stayed for so long is simple i did not want to lose my job. I just graduated in june with my Bachelors degree from using my GI Bill from when i was in the military. This would have been my first job out of college.. Basically because of her drinking i was unable to even start the job.. i was trying drastically to work out the details to work from my fathers home after he agreed to let me but by then it was to late the cable company could not get the internet turned on in time for the training to start and I had already had the training date pushed back once already to Aug 11th because of her drinking. So yes her drinking cost me my job as well.
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Old 08-31-2014, 12:03 PM
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To anyone who is an alcoholic in recovery...

If she gets clean what are the chances she will realize her addiction ruined our relationship and she actually comes to terms with that...

I have read that it could happen, may take months or years or may never happen or even if it did happen she may never actually admit it.

thoughts
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Old 08-31-2014, 12:07 PM
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Originally Posted by exparatrooper View Post
To anyone who is an alcoholic in recovery...

If she gets clean what are the chances she will realize her addiction ruined our relationship and she actually comes to terms with that...

I have read that it could happen, may take months or years or may never happen or even if it did happen she may never actually admit it.

thoughts
And if someone tells you a figure, how will that change things? Is 50% enough? Is 75% enough?

I don't mean to be cruel, but your best bet is going to be getting yourself healthy and happy rather than wait for something that may never, never happen...take care of yourself. Focus on YOU. If by some chance you end up back together, that's a bonus, but you can't and shouldn't put your life on hold waiting for a miracle that may never occur.
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Old 08-31-2014, 12:11 PM
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hang in there, other jobs are on your horizon! you've already accomplished so much, time serving your country, going to school, getting your degree. you're going to be ok.

as for getting your stuff.......maybe not worry about that RIGHT NOW, as in today or tomorrow, unless it's like your dialysis machine or something! maybe a certified letter....with a date and time, or a couple so there's allowance for schedules etc.
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Old 08-31-2014, 12:13 PM
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Thanks everyone for the replies... I have really no idea where she is at right now she was or is still in rehab. I just have a gut feeling, from a comment she made the last time i heard from her "i am out of your hair, i am going to go help myself to get all of you a$$ holes off my back so screw you"

To me that says she is going to REHAB for the wrong reasons... I may never know I guess but i have that gut feeling that she is not telling counselors the truth about herself and her drinking telling everyone what they want to hear just to fake it through..

As i have seen on here through my readings... And Time will reveal all things

So in time i guess we may find out

in the scheme of things i guess it no longer matters... I am on here no trying to heal ... last month i would have been on the couch with her watching tv now i am struggling to rebuild my life and deal with figuring out how to live again being alone.
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Old 08-31-2014, 12:13 PM
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I wondered about your username. Were you with the 82nd? I spent some time at Ft. Bragg in '05/'06 before I deployed.
Anyway, congratulations on getting your degree and sorry about the missed opportunity, hopefully there will be others.
But that is actually what I mean. Look at how much her drinking interfered with your life and your plans. That happened because you allowed it to. I know that in the midst of the chaos it is easy to get lost in the endless cycle of drinking and abuse so that you spend all your time and energy on QRF fixing problems the alcoholic creates. Now you have a chance to step back and see the big picture, to understand and take ownership for your choices.
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Old 08-31-2014, 12:14 PM
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You really don't have any say over what she is doing.

Work on yourself.

You cannot predict the future, neither can anyone else. She might die from this, I wouldn't hold on waiting for her to change and "see the light". Even if she were to complete rehab, she would not be a good candidate for a serious relationship for at least a year. Let her go. You are young and there are many suitable women who would love to build a relationship with a young guy with ex-military training and the education to work.

So, get a job, stop worrying about an alcoholic. You broke up with her - so common courtesy is to let her keep the ring. Get the cops to go over to retrieve the rest of your personal belongings.

I made a couple jumps (sport jumps) with The Golden Knights back in the day. Are you going to keep jumping? I loved it.
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Old 08-31-2014, 12:15 PM
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Originally Posted by ladyscribbler View Post
I wondered about your username. Were you with the 82nd? I spent some time at Ft. Bragg in '05/'06 before I deployed.
Anyway, congratulations on getting your degree and sorry about the missed opportunity, hopefully there will be others.
But that is actually what I mean. Look at how much her drinking interfered with your life and your plans. That happened because you allowed it to. I know that in the midst of the chaos it is easy to get lost in the endless cycle of drinking and abuse so that you spend all your time and energy on QRF fixing problems the alcoholic creates. Now you have a chance to step back and see the big picture, to understand and take ownership for your choices.
3-325 AIR C company and HHC 1997 - 2000 11B

Fort Eustis 2000 - 2004 88L20 Sergeant
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Old 08-31-2014, 12:22 PM
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Originally Posted by biminiblue View Post
You really don't have any say over what she is doing.

Work on yourself.

You cannot predict the future, neither can anyone else. She might die from this, I wouldn't hold on waiting for her to change and "see the light". Even if she were to complete rehab, she would not be a good candidate for a serious relationship for at least a year. Let her go. You are young and there are many suitable women who would love to build a relationship with a young guy with ex-military training and the education to work.

So, get a job, stop worrying about an alcoholic. You broke up with her - so common courtesy is to let her keep the ring. Get the cops to go over to retrieve the rest of your personal belongings.

I made a couple jumps (sport jumps) with The Golden Knights back in the day. Are you going to keep jumping? I loved it.
I left Bragg in 2000 , PCS to Fort Eustis and change of MOS to 88L.. was medically discharged out in 2004 after almost dying from pneumonia during a training exercise in February.. still on inhalers and nebulizers to this day.
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Old 08-31-2014, 12:24 PM
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Cool. Eustis is a nice post. My husband was an AIT instructor (67T30) at the aviation school.
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Old 08-31-2014, 12:25 PM
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Since 2004 my "Theater of Combat" has been the Department of Veterans Affairs... took them 8 years to grant me 40% service connection.
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Old 08-31-2014, 12:27 PM
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Originally Posted by exparatrooper View Post
Since 2004 my "Theater of Combat" has been the Department of Veterans Affairs... took them 8 years to grant me 40% service connection.
That's no joke, the hoops they make people jump through. It's sickening.
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Old 08-31-2014, 12:29 PM
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Originally Posted by ladyscribbler View Post
That's no joke, the hoops they make people jump through. It's sickening.
I am currently enrolled in Vocational Rehabilitation Program through the VA... let me tell you it has been an utter joke.. One week they approve a Masters Degree program for me because they felt that in order to maintain the same quality of life as a Sergeant in the US Army i would need a Masters Degree.... the next month they change counselors on me and she decides that with a BS in business i should be employable and cancels the school program.

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