As my codie pendulums swing...
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 284
As my codie pendulums swing...
Hi All,
Just writing this out because I need to gain some perspective on my own behavior. And, sharing with all of you is always more productive than just writing it in a small book on my shelf.
I remember a few months ago being adamant that I wanted to be free from all people except for me. I was tired of having my life pushed around by the whims of others and was ecstatic that I finally was in control of my own destination (as much as any of us ever are, I guess). My therapist explained to me that life is a pendulum of emotions, needs, and behaviors. And, my pendulum had been kicked hard in one direction from the traumatic events leading up to my separation and divorce from my XAH. My therapist is very wise.
Right around this time, an old (male) friend contacted me on FB. I resisted connecting with him very much, but eventually realized I really enjoyed chatting with him. He is one of the only single people I know, so we both have excess time in our lives. He is my age, so we have fun making references to things that we remember from when we were kids (This is something I have not had in my life for a long while since my XAH was >15 years older than me). And, I trust him because I've known him for ages. I have an inherent distrust of new men in my life (not that there are that many!). Also, talking with him felt safe because he is nearly 1000 miles away.
So, for the last few months, I've been just letting myself do whatever I felt like with regard to this guy, and I've just been observing... my pendulum. It's clear that we like each other, and I have realized that I really miss the companionship of a close male friend. I started thinking, maybe it's good for me to learn how to balance my world with someone else's. Little red flags have been telling me for a while that this guy is probably not the one to try this with, but I've been ignoring it. My pendulum was swinging too fast.
This morning, it hit me. This guy is a raging codependent. I went from raging alcoholic to raging codependent in my relationship interests? How did that happen? From one extreme to the other... Now, I'm looking at two different pendulums swinging simultaneously. No, no longer in observation mode now. I'm swinging my relationship pendulum back to the "no interest" side of things until I get my healthy man radar back in check!
Now, as I sit here thinking about it, I realize there is yet another pendulum that I've been ignoring (Geez! How many are there??). This is regarding my judgmental attitude toward others. I used to give people a lot of latitude with their behavior. I think I learned this early on, that people are just the way they are, and I need to learn to work around the way they are. Somehow, it was my job to be flexible. Since learning more about codependency, I have learned to still accept people are the way they are, but I am not responsible for making nicey-nice in any way if I don't want to. But, my behavior isn't entirely natural. It is a conscious effort to identify the acceptability of the other's behavior, my needs in the situation, and then my response (or lack of response) that makes sense to me.
My discomfort this morning is coming from my judgement that my friend is a raging codependent. From my perspective, he is making the decision to put himself in a position to be grossly taken advantage of. This is a regular thing for him, it seems. He is the type of person who will give all of himself to whoever asks. Truly, a lovely person. But, I see that he is suffering because of it. And, I sit here judging. Blazing neon red flags all over that I can no longer ignore. Obviously, I realize I am in a position again of detaching with love from someone I care about who is on a bad path.
But, who am I to decide that person is on a bad path? It's a bad path for me, sure. I see that it's important for me to be clear on that for myself. But, my judgement doesn't end there. I think it's a bad path for him too. I want to show him just how bad... you know, talk sense to him... send him materials on codependency and all that. Woah, woah, WOAH! Yup. This is my codie pendulum that I've been trying to keep in check for the last couple of years. It's wildly unstable as I push it from one extreme to the other. And, I hate detaching with love! It's SOOOO much WORK!
I am not happy with all this movement in my pendulums. I guess this is a sign of growth, that I'm even aware of these issues in my head. And, it's probably healthier that I'm working on finding that balancing point. But, dang! Sometimes it feels safer and easier to just be a hermit!
Thanks for the opportunity to vent about this.
Fathom
Just writing this out because I need to gain some perspective on my own behavior. And, sharing with all of you is always more productive than just writing it in a small book on my shelf.
I remember a few months ago being adamant that I wanted to be free from all people except for me. I was tired of having my life pushed around by the whims of others and was ecstatic that I finally was in control of my own destination (as much as any of us ever are, I guess). My therapist explained to me that life is a pendulum of emotions, needs, and behaviors. And, my pendulum had been kicked hard in one direction from the traumatic events leading up to my separation and divorce from my XAH. My therapist is very wise.
Right around this time, an old (male) friend contacted me on FB. I resisted connecting with him very much, but eventually realized I really enjoyed chatting with him. He is one of the only single people I know, so we both have excess time in our lives. He is my age, so we have fun making references to things that we remember from when we were kids (This is something I have not had in my life for a long while since my XAH was >15 years older than me). And, I trust him because I've known him for ages. I have an inherent distrust of new men in my life (not that there are that many!). Also, talking with him felt safe because he is nearly 1000 miles away.
So, for the last few months, I've been just letting myself do whatever I felt like with regard to this guy, and I've just been observing... my pendulum. It's clear that we like each other, and I have realized that I really miss the companionship of a close male friend. I started thinking, maybe it's good for me to learn how to balance my world with someone else's. Little red flags have been telling me for a while that this guy is probably not the one to try this with, but I've been ignoring it. My pendulum was swinging too fast.
This morning, it hit me. This guy is a raging codependent. I went from raging alcoholic to raging codependent in my relationship interests? How did that happen? From one extreme to the other... Now, I'm looking at two different pendulums swinging simultaneously. No, no longer in observation mode now. I'm swinging my relationship pendulum back to the "no interest" side of things until I get my healthy man radar back in check!
Now, as I sit here thinking about it, I realize there is yet another pendulum that I've been ignoring (Geez! How many are there??). This is regarding my judgmental attitude toward others. I used to give people a lot of latitude with their behavior. I think I learned this early on, that people are just the way they are, and I need to learn to work around the way they are. Somehow, it was my job to be flexible. Since learning more about codependency, I have learned to still accept people are the way they are, but I am not responsible for making nicey-nice in any way if I don't want to. But, my behavior isn't entirely natural. It is a conscious effort to identify the acceptability of the other's behavior, my needs in the situation, and then my response (or lack of response) that makes sense to me.
My discomfort this morning is coming from my judgement that my friend is a raging codependent. From my perspective, he is making the decision to put himself in a position to be grossly taken advantage of. This is a regular thing for him, it seems. He is the type of person who will give all of himself to whoever asks. Truly, a lovely person. But, I see that he is suffering because of it. And, I sit here judging. Blazing neon red flags all over that I can no longer ignore. Obviously, I realize I am in a position again of detaching with love from someone I care about who is on a bad path.
But, who am I to decide that person is on a bad path? It's a bad path for me, sure. I see that it's important for me to be clear on that for myself. But, my judgement doesn't end there. I think it's a bad path for him too. I want to show him just how bad... you know, talk sense to him... send him materials on codependency and all that. Woah, woah, WOAH! Yup. This is my codie pendulum that I've been trying to keep in check for the last couple of years. It's wildly unstable as I push it from one extreme to the other. And, I hate detaching with love! It's SOOOO much WORK!
I am not happy with all this movement in my pendulums. I guess this is a sign of growth, that I'm even aware of these issues in my head. And, it's probably healthier that I'm working on finding that balancing point. But, dang! Sometimes it feels safer and easier to just be a hermit!
Thanks for the opportunity to vent about this.
Fathom
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 284
Thanks for the hugs and the positive thoughts, Spia. 
We all learn from each other.
And, Bimini, I'm not real clear on how to rein it in. Though I recognize the value in it!!! Not sure I'm doing such a bang up job of it at the moment. I feel like I'm running back to base in a game of tag, afraid to venture too far because then I might get caught. I'm feeling squarely back in the "I'm better off on my own" camp, but that's probably black and white thinking on my part...
Peace,
Fathom
We all learn from each other.And, Bimini, I'm not real clear on how to rein it in. Though I recognize the value in it!!! Not sure I'm doing such a bang up job of it at the moment. I feel like I'm running back to base in a game of tag, afraid to venture too far because then I might get caught. I'm feeling squarely back in the "I'm better off on my own" camp, but that's probably black and white thinking on my part...
Peace,
Fathom
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