53500

I know it's pointless to future trip yet I've been doing it in my head, so maybe if I write it it will get out of my head.

I came to SR because of a friend of mine who lives with his AGF. There were frequent episodes of her drunken rages where she hit him, screamed, trashed their apt etc. and he fled to sleep in his car. He sometimes asked if he could stay at my house. I felt uneasy about it and guilty for feeling uneasy. SR advised me NOT to let him under my roof. That it was okay to have that boundary. It opened the door for the AGF to show up. It also was not my job to save him from his decisions. He is a grown man and fully capable of leaving her but he chose not to.

I live with my bf of 14 years. We both work long hours. He said no to my friend staying the one time I considered it enough to ask him.

My friend and AGF are still together. She's pregnant although she swore up and down she could not conceive. My friend may or may not be the father. He does not know and she will not cooperate in getting tested.

She was drunk daily for the first 3 weeks of her pregnancy. Then (probably about the time she found out) she stayed sober for a month, then in the next month had three major binges. She's been sober since the end of April. She is due in November.

I give her credit for staying sober this long but am afraid (and so is my friend) that after the child is born she'll resume drinking. I'm afraid the chaos will start again and my friend will feel he has to flee their apt - but this time with a baby!!

So many other horrors could happen, obviously, if she is drunk and "caring" for an infant. It freaks me out to think of it.

I'm afraid my friend will ask to stay at my house and I do not want him to, even with a baby. If he is there - *especially* with a baby - then it is very likely she will show up.

I feel (1) silly for projecting all of this and (2) selfish and guilty for not wanting him in my house if the chaos starts again. But I really don't.

I'd give him money for a motel (if he needs it - he works, does not earn a lot but he's not broke) but I just don't want any reason for the AGF to show up. Housing her child would certainly be a reason. Right?

The decision isn't even mine to make. My bf will not let him stay with us. But that doesn't make me feel less guilty.

Maybe by some miracle she'll stay sober. Please, dear God, let her stay sober.

Thanks for reading.

feeling-good

You are a good friend, but you do need to keep your distance and not let your friend stay, even with the baby on the scene. However, getting together over a cuppa for long chats is something that you can and should continue to do if possible.

Sorry, I don't really have any more advice, but it does sound a difficult situation.

NWGRITS

Sounds like your friend is really good at making poor choices. That isn't your responsibility to deal with. He's made his bed, and now he can lie in it. You can keep talking to him, but don't let him stay with you. Like his AGF, he needs to feel the consequences of his actions before he will hit bottom and seek change. Hiding out at your place isn't change. I hope for the sake of that baby, that someone gets a brain soon and tries to do right by him/her. That's just so sad.

53500

feeling-good, thanks for saying it's okay to not let him stay even with the baby. I am very conflicted about this. But I can't have this woman at my house, shrieking and throwing things.

We have a lot of liquor and wine in the house. It's been here for years as we drink it very slowly. Some gift bottles we got years ago are still unopened. My bf is a Scotch connoisseur so has fancy bottles of Scotch. I cringe to think of her finding our booze collection.

I see my friend for lunch or coffee 3 -4 times a month. Aside from that we text.

Thanks for the reply.

53500

Thanks NW, yes he is an expert at making poor choices particularly about her. You know one of the times she trashed the apt/hit him/sent him running from the apt he told me he'd hit bottom. Used those exact words! But nothing changed. He stayed with her and it all kept happening.

Yeah it's terribly sad she conceived. My friend is worried about the effects on the baby of her drinking in the first three months of her pregnancy. He told the doctor about this (she wouldn't) and the doctor told them about fetal alcohol syndrome. The odds are low but it's still a concern.

Hammer

IF he goes homeless with a baby . . . at least THAT will likely cause enough noise and mess at the shelter to get someone competent involved.

Domestic shelters and agencies deal with this kind of stuff daily.

Meanwhile you may wish to consider reporting her to CPS or whatever other agency exists -- in advance. She is severely risking the unborn child to fetal alcohol syndrome, and they might as well have an open file on her for what will come after the child is born.

Fetal alcohol syndrome - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Fetal alcohol spectrum disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia