car73

Hi. My 69 year old mother has been in AA for several years and is very active in meetings, but I just found evidence of her buying alcohol each week (credit card receipts). Should I confront her?

jaynie04

I wouldn't unless her drinking in any way affects your life (i.e.: she babysits or drives you or your kids).

She is an adult. And if she has been in AA for some time she knows exactly what she is doing. If she wants to get serious about sobriety, that is on her.

My mother has over 35 years in AA. She is a difficult person, and talks the talk, but as far as walking the walk….. She doesn't know I am sober, probably didn't know I had a problem. If you grew up in a home with an alcoholic mother you are probably used to being hyper vigilant. I remember smelling my mother's drinks and trying to "catch" her when she first got sober. And I did. In retrospect I can see how sad it was that I adopted that behavior. But I was 12..at that point my life really did hinge on her behavior.


It helps to remind ourselves that we are adults now. Even if your mother is drinking, it is her choice. Learning to let go and let her live with the consequences of her actions is the healthiest choice….for you. There is a saying (I think Al-Anon)…let go or be dragged.

Not sure if you have done much reading on Adult Children, it is a helpful education. It helped me understand how old some of my behaviors were, and that being prepared for the shoe to drop is a behavior that doesn't serve me anymore.

Looking for evidence of her drinking keeps your tied to her sickness. It feels like you are doing "something", but in essence whatever evidence your unearth only hurts you. You might also look at the Family & Friends section here, there is a lot of wisdom and many who deal with active alcoholism.

It's hard, I know, but you are not alone.

mfanch

Confrontation? Probably not.
Let her know you know? Perhaps, I don't know. Is this situation yours to pick up? Is it your side of the street?

Does something need to be said?
Does something need to be said by me?
Does something need to be said by me now?....an example of "yes" would be if she is driving around with other people (ie your kids) in the car.

She is the one who has to live with the dishonesty and dispair of a return to drinking. What you CAN do is set boundaries so that you and your recovery are safe and you can continue to take care of you.

It sucks when a loved one goes back out. My aunt has done this and it breaks my heart. In the end, though, this is her deal, not mine. I can't get her sober. It has to be her desire, not mine.

aasharon90

Do you live with your mom in the same house?

Are you in recovery yourself?

Just a few questions I was thinking about
with your post.

NWGRITS

She's a grown woman who can make her own choices. I don't see what would be gained by confronting her, other than a big head full of self-righteousness. She knows she's drinking; it won't be news to her. Let her live her life. It may bother you that she's living it with alcohol, but you have no right tell her to do it any differently.

Mracoa

My dad was sober for many years then relapsed. He hides it from my brother and I, and we pretend not to notice. He lives on his own and can do as he pleases. He knows not to show up at our houses or call us when he is drunk. He called me once when he was drunk and I told him to call me back when he was sober and hung up. That was the last time he ever called me while drunk.

If you need to, set some boundaries with her. If she is hiding it well and it doesn't affect you, then don't worry about it. It's her problem to deal with.