Stupid brain wont shut off
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Olney, MD
Posts: 268
Stupid brain wont shut off
Got a card from RAH in the mail from rehab today. It made me cry. Not happy tears. WHY was that my first reaction? This was exactly what I wanted!
He sounds well, sounds like many changes. Change is scary. I guess I feel like I am not changing fast enough. There was a part of the letter, he wrote just like he has to be patient dealing with his disease, I have to be patient " dealing with my demons". My blood immediately started to boil. The first thought that popped in was blame. That if it weren't for his behavior I wouldn't HAVE these demons. Also as I continued to work on cleaning the house I started feeling overwhelmed and bitter again, "there he is, off at rehab, having 24/7 to work through his issues and here I am, cleaning up the mess he helped create, having to go to work, worry about money, etc". It was an awful feeling that I did not want to have anymore. Had to keep repeating over and over, "you have a choice how you feel about this, you don't HAVE to feel this way".
I HATE that this is my brains default right now. I want my thoughts to change RIGHT NOW! I hate having this gut knee jerk reaction. Why does my stupid brain just automatically go there?
He sounds well, sounds like many changes. Change is scary. I guess I feel like I am not changing fast enough. There was a part of the letter, he wrote just like he has to be patient dealing with his disease, I have to be patient " dealing with my demons". My blood immediately started to boil. The first thought that popped in was blame. That if it weren't for his behavior I wouldn't HAVE these demons. Also as I continued to work on cleaning the house I started feeling overwhelmed and bitter again, "there he is, off at rehab, having 24/7 to work through his issues and here I am, cleaning up the mess he helped create, having to go to work, worry about money, etc". It was an awful feeling that I did not want to have anymore. Had to keep repeating over and over, "you have a choice how you feel about this, you don't HAVE to feel this way".
I HATE that this is my brains default right now. I want my thoughts to change RIGHT NOW! I hate having this gut knee jerk reaction. Why does my stupid brain just automatically go there?
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: tx
Posts: 101
I swear you took my feelings and write them down! My husband isn't in a rehab. He is doing a program through celebrate recovery.
I get so angry and bitter. There he is finding new ways of being happy in our apartment that I decorated.
And here I am with my daughter living in a room with my parents. I feel like I've made all the changes and all the sacrifices.
Why do I have to be the responsible one?
I find myself getting bitter towards him often and its nagging me into a hateful poison to everyone around me. The only person I still really like and really love is my daughter.
So this week I started reading a new bible study called Calm My Anxious Heart. It is about learning to be content with my life as it as at the moment.
Just like his recovery I'd one day at a time so is mine.
I wrote up p today and told myself that I was going to be content with having a place to stay and being able to spend time with my daughter....something he is missing out on.
But I completely understand how you feel!
I get so angry and bitter. There he is finding new ways of being happy in our apartment that I decorated.
And here I am with my daughter living in a room with my parents. I feel like I've made all the changes and all the sacrifices.
Why do I have to be the responsible one?
I find myself getting bitter towards him often and its nagging me into a hateful poison to everyone around me. The only person I still really like and really love is my daughter.
So this week I started reading a new bible study called Calm My Anxious Heart. It is about learning to be content with my life as it as at the moment.
Just like his recovery I'd one day at a time so is mine.
I wrote up p today and told myself that I was going to be content with having a place to stay and being able to spend time with my daughter....something he is missing out on.
But I completely understand how you feel!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
TerpGal, I think your brain automatically goes there b/c that's where it has automatically gone for a looooong time. It's a habit, and like any habit, it can be broken, but it takes time (one day at a time, some would say!). Like it says on the coffee cup, "Lord, give me patience, and give it to me RIGHT NOW!"
You will grow and change, but those new habits will have to be practiced and practiced, until they become as automatic as the old ones were. And even as far as your AH goes, he may sound like he's changing his whole life right now, this instant, and will be this new and improved guy when he gets out of rehab, but the real test will come when he's back out in the real world, w/all the frustrations and temptations of daily life. He'll need to back up those "changes" w/actions, not just words, and it's going to be a lot tougher. I'm not saying he can't do it, just that he's going to have to work a lot harder once he's out.
Be patient w/yourself. Be kind to yourself. You and spia are both wise to be working on yourselves. It's the only sure path to happiness and freedom, in the long run. Hang in, both of you!
You will grow and change, but those new habits will have to be practiced and practiced, until they become as automatic as the old ones were. And even as far as your AH goes, he may sound like he's changing his whole life right now, this instant, and will be this new and improved guy when he gets out of rehab, but the real test will come when he's back out in the real world, w/all the frustrations and temptations of daily life. He'll need to back up those "changes" w/actions, not just words, and it's going to be a lot tougher. I'm not saying he can't do it, just that he's going to have to work a lot harder once he's out.
Be patient w/yourself. Be kind to yourself. You and spia are both wise to be working on yourselves. It's the only sure path to happiness and freedom, in the long run. Hang in, both of you!
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 537
FOR ME accepting that I do indeed have demons, that those demons need work, and in fact blaming AH for those demons was holding me back in my own recovery was hard, hard work.
Yes he's inflicted countless abuse and pain on me. And that is NOT my fault.
But there is something inherently unhealthy in myself that predated AH, and that he is not to blame for. I'm not to blame either....but I have issues that are separate to him, but intersect with him....if that makes sense.
That's not to say I wouldn't blow a gasket or 10 at HIM pointing that out to me....I'd want to chew up that card and spit it out onto his lap if he sent me that. I wouldn't of course because I'm a good codie, but in my head I'd be doing it!!!
Also not saying that's how it is for you....just reflecting that I used to think all my problems were caused by AH and now I am learning that they are not.
Be patient with yourself. I know how it feels to be overwhelmed by life whilst they seemingly are off contemplating their well being. You have to try to take some moments for yourself too.
Yes he's inflicted countless abuse and pain on me. And that is NOT my fault.
But there is something inherently unhealthy in myself that predated AH, and that he is not to blame for. I'm not to blame either....but I have issues that are separate to him, but intersect with him....if that makes sense.
That's not to say I wouldn't blow a gasket or 10 at HIM pointing that out to me....I'd want to chew up that card and spit it out onto his lap if he sent me that. I wouldn't of course because I'm a good codie, but in my head I'd be doing it!!!
Also not saying that's how it is for you....just reflecting that I used to think all my problems were caused by AH and now I am learning that they are not.
Be patient with yourself. I know how it feels to be overwhelmed by life whilst they seemingly are off contemplating their well being. You have to try to take some moments for yourself too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Olney, MD
Posts: 268
Oh I know all my problems aren't his fault. I came into this relationship with lots of problems of my own. Mainly a total lack of sense of self and a major lack of self esteem and self respect courtesy my A father. I am just having a crappy, bitter, resentful day and it does not help that my monthly visitor has arrived and I have a heinous case of PMDD which only heightens my irritability and makes me downright irrational at times. I am just so tired keeping this house going, going to meetings. I feel like I have no *me* time, and I am very jealous of that.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Be easy on yourself, TerpGal. Your feelings are totally normal!
Hey, I got this prayer in my FB feed yesterday from Ignatian Spirituality--maybe it will help (I think it's a great prayer and I've bookmarked it for myself). If you are not "religious" maybe just substitute "HP" for "God"/"Our Lord."
Hey, I got this prayer in my FB feed yesterday from Ignatian Spirituality--maybe it will help (I think it's a great prayer and I've bookmarked it for myself). If you are not "religious" maybe just substitute "HP" for "God"/"Our Lord."
Patient Trust
"Above all, trust in the slow work of God.
We are quite naturally impatient in everything
to reach the end without delay.
We should like to skip the intermediate stages.
We are impatient of being on the way to something
unknown, something new.
And yet it is the law of all progress
that it is made by passing through
some stages of instability--
and that may take a very long time.
And so I think it is with you;
your ideas mature gradually--let them grow,
let them shape themselves, without undue haste.
Don't try to force them on,
as though you could be today what time
(that is to say, grace and circumstances
acting on your own good will)
will make of you tomorrow.
Only God could say what this new spirit
gradually forming within you will be.
Give Our Lord the benefit of believing that his hand is
leading you,
and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself
in suspense and incomplete."
--Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, SJ, excerpted from Hearts on Fire
"Above all, trust in the slow work of God.
We are quite naturally impatient in everything
to reach the end without delay.
We should like to skip the intermediate stages.
We are impatient of being on the way to something
unknown, something new.
And yet it is the law of all progress
that it is made by passing through
some stages of instability--
and that may take a very long time.
And so I think it is with you;
your ideas mature gradually--let them grow,
let them shape themselves, without undue haste.
Don't try to force them on,
as though you could be today what time
(that is to say, grace and circumstances
acting on your own good will)
will make of you tomorrow.
Only God could say what this new spirit
gradually forming within you will be.
Give Our Lord the benefit of believing that his hand is
leading you,
and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself
in suspense and incomplete."
--Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, SJ, excerpted from Hearts on Fire
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
I well remember the Are You F'ing Kidding Me! thoughts and sadly, words when I was being taken to task for being a jerk early in c&c's recovery.
Working from a perspective of blaming this or that etc is a trap for me, it amounts to making judgements about oneself and the other person. Getting out of the habit of doing that has taken me some time and a relapse is ever so easy, but interestingly when I am judging I'm often treading on my own feelings in the name of whatever "justice" I think I'm dispensing.
And thats fine and all but accepting the anger and hurt is tough. A card like that I guess is supposed to show he cares about you and this is his 1st step back.. good enough.. but it is not the final word. If he's serious then he'll need to put in a LOT more work making up for the things he's done- as will you. Might be you've not done bad stuff to him, but you've possibly been taught to do it to yourself... all that has to get untangled. I find harshness to and dismissiveness of myself is reflected in my treatment of others, so I think I have a lot to make up for.
Working from a perspective of blaming this or that etc is a trap for me, it amounts to making judgements about oneself and the other person. Getting out of the habit of doing that has taken me some time and a relapse is ever so easy, but interestingly when I am judging I'm often treading on my own feelings in the name of whatever "justice" I think I'm dispensing.
And thats fine and all but accepting the anger and hurt is tough. A card like that I guess is supposed to show he cares about you and this is his 1st step back.. good enough.. but it is not the final word. If he's serious then he'll need to put in a LOT more work making up for the things he's done- as will you. Might be you've not done bad stuff to him, but you've possibly been taught to do it to yourself... all that has to get untangled. I find harshness to and dismissiveness of myself is reflected in my treatment of others, so I think I have a lot to make up for.
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