HealingSlow

My husband and I have been married for 19 years. The last 4 years consist of 1year on suboxone this Sept. I'm very proud of how far he has come. Very proud. However, the years of his lies, manipulation...I could go on...did a number on me. Worst years of my life. Financially ruins. I had to convince his family that he was using again and basically was told at that time that I was "crazy" he would "never" do that again DESPITE all my proof. I felt like a wretched wife. I also had my MIL say that during his first round of being "clean" i never helped him. Keep in mind each time he relapsed she didn't believe it until I had a smoking gun. I 100% believe my husband, my children's dad would be dead if it wasn't for my persistence. Anyway, I'm
Slowly trying to get back to a place where I feel an intimate connection with him. He took my soul during his time he was using (oxys). He's now badgering me telling me he needs attention and does not want to hear how i feel. He thinks it's been long enough. He says I'm forcing him to go "elsewhere". I was ready for divorce. How can he be so selfish? Or should i just let him go?

Ann

It sounds like everyone except you are expressing how you are. Maybe express yourself or try some counseling with someone who has your best interest in mind.

It sounds like there is a lot of damage in your relationship and only you can decide if it's worth trying to repair. Sometimes the scars are too deep.

I'm glad you found us and hope you feel better just knowing you are among people who truly understand.

Hugs:

HealingSlow

I should add:: he was using OxyContin in 3 years was caught several times using again. I just believed he would stop cuz of our family and our marriage. I know now that nothing is as important as the drug. I guess my question is why is it taking me so long? I just feel like he was once the person who would never lie to me. My soulmate and he ruined it. It changed me. How i trust...will i ever trust and be able to have a intimate emotional connection with him again? He just doesn't understand and when I tell him he gets offended.

HealingSlow

Thank you. I guess i am just hoping someone will say "it takes time" or "it's not unusual. Should I let him go if I'm not there yet? I dont want to hurt his recovery.

Vale

>>>>>>I dont want to hurt his recovery. <<<<<<<

You CAN'T hurt his recovery.
(You can ONLY hurt yours!)

Ann

Vale is right, the stronger you are the better you will be to make decisions that are right for you.

Have you tried any meetings...Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that are about US and the meetings have helped so many here.

He may not be using but his behaviour is not that of a loving husband and it would be difficult for anyone to live like that.

Take care of you and the answers will become clear.

Hugs

mfanch

It does take time. However, martyrdom and resentment on your part do not make for a happy marriage, either. What is your plan for your recover? Addiction is a family malady. The only difference is the drug of choice. The addict focuses on the drug and the codie focuses on the addict. Naranon and the 12 steps have helped many find a path to recovery from codependency. There are also many stickies on this website to help you.

Glad you are here.

HealingSlow

I dont claim to be a Martyr non do I act resentful. I claim to be healing. The best way I know how. I'm honest about my feelings with him...sometimes the truth hurts. I cant change how i feel nor can change what this experience has done to me. The man I loved chose to have my children with and grow old with...pulled the rug out from under me and did things to me and became a person i NEVER would have chosen to marry. Addict or no addict that same person did it. It's very hard to forget. Do i forgive him? Absolutely. Is the hurt still there? Yes. How do i make it go away. I feel like I'm mourning my life.

As far as where I am? I wish I was at a better place.

HealingSlow

He is very immature and has extreme difficulty having any type of communication. He listens to respond not to understand. I feel like i made a huge decision to let him back into this house and try to recover and stay a family. Quite frankly, it's ONLY been a year when we talk about where he is in his recovery but when we talk about where I'm at its "ITS BEEN A YEAR"! I swear he has no interest in how i feel. It's all about walking on eggshells and making sure im not behaving like a martyr or acting resentful. It's exhausting.

Chino

He makes his recovery all about him and it sounds like you'll have to go elsewhere to make yours all about you. This site is a wonderful first step but nothing beats face to face interaction. Whether that means a recovery group like what has been suggested and or private therapy --- it's all up to you, it's your call.

Txhelp

I am having similar difficulty with my immature husband. It seems that I am dealing with an 8th grader at times. What I have noticed is he isn't doing a lot of growth due to the fact that he is no longer attending meets and working on steps.

This is what I find....recovery to me is working a program. Sobriety is abstaining from the drug/alcohol. My H had sobriety for 12 years. Relapsed and went to rehab (first time). Now he has been sober for 10 months-the first 3 months he worked a program. As he says "I don't crave. I am not around it. So therefore....it isn't an issue for me."

I know that I am NOT in charge of his recovery. However, I am in charge of mine. We are going through a difficult time, and new to marriage counseling. If he doesn't show growth and a willingness to do something different in the near future. Then, I will do something different and move on. Sober or not.

allforcnm

Welcome Healing Slow,

I can share my experience with you as I can relate to these questions. My husband stopped using almost 2.5 years ago. I was also persistent in getting him into treatment, and it was the catalyst of change for him… and us. He went to a non 12 step rehab and then came home to continue with therapy. We had been separated for almost a year prior to this. He was addicted to prescription pain meds started after an injury, then added Xanax and a few others… A lot happened during the time apart including my being pregnant with our first child and his not being there, lies, money wasted, an affair, and his not being part of our sons life for about 5 months. But we got through it, we rebuilt and we are stronger now then we were before. But it does take time.

Your asking if you should leave your husband and I don’t think anyone here can give you that answer, but I guess I would ask if you love him, if you believe in time things can be repaired? It sounds to me like you have come a long way – your seeing he has made progress and your proud of his efforts, you’ve come to realize you are in a phase of healing and need more time… I think this is normal .

For me I can break the process down into three areas:

1. Forgiving him for what happened during the addiction. What helped me with this was understanding addiction as it was explained to me by the medical professionals, reading how the brain is affected, knowing reason and logic gets tossed out during drug use… it wasn't personal, and also hearing my husband have remorse for those things; he realized the pain he caused. It wasn’t so much a matter of making amends really because he couldn’t change the past, but it was his acknowledgement and commitment to the future that helped me.

2. Understanding that I was actually traumatized more than anything else… there was nothing “wrong” with me, but it was going to take time for me to process the events, make peace with things that happened, look at my responses to certain events, learn from them, forgive myself for mistakes I felt I made… I was fortunate because my husband’s rehab offered me a therapist and she helped me work through a lot of these issues. I also talked with my church pastor several times and I think it helped.

3. Rebuilding the relationship with my husband, and learning to trust him again. This is something that required active participation by both of us. I think it leans a lot on communication, and the willingness to take small steps and risk trusting and getting hurt. I will say with my husband there were times when he was so tired of rebuilding that he acted a little like your husband. He couldn’t go back, so he was doing his best to go forward but I hadn’t yet caught up on some issues because even though I forgave him, I still felt the pain. I don’t know if this could be what your husband feels... frustration.. or he is just a jerk.. LOL .. will leave that up to you to decide. What helped us with this was doing marriage counseling, and like I said making an effort to move a little bit past the comfort zone to keep growing.

So I guess I would ask how your relationship is now? Do you spend quality time together, go out to dinner, movies, etc. I would start with these things and build. Times together outside of addiction and recovery issues… My therapist also suggested I take a look at the CRAFT program.. community reinforcement and family training. Its basically a two part system that focuses on you and your wellbeing, and then also on the relationship. Especially big on communication, building interactions, being aware of positive changes in our partner, and positive and healthy ways to support. It can be used to help motivate people into treatment, and then after it can be used to support and enhance communication/rebuild relationships.

You can google, and this book is one I would recommend: Beyond Addiction, how Science and Kindness help people change by Jeffrey Foote. Also, the Smart recovery program uses CRAFT and offers free online meetings and assistance, in addition to face/face meetings.

The other thing I wanted to answer is in regards to hurting his recovery… I think anytime a person is living with conflict or stress then it forces them to rely on their coping skills. So someone in recovery may have a harder time coping in healthy ways if these are not built up strong yet. Obviously we cant just eliminate all stress from our lives or theirs.. but if this has become a consistent issue between you then I think looking for a solution would benefit both of you. Would he consider marriage counseling, or pastoral counseling?

Hope Im not sharing too much… but these are my thoughts.. Good Luck to you.

zoso77

Welcome to the Board, HealingSlow. I'm glad you found us and took the time to post. Our members have beaten me to the punch in greeting you properly, but I'd like to do so now and express my own thoughts about where you currently stand.

You ask:

Because addiction is, by its nature, an extremely selfish condition. It's a condition where being intoxicated takes precedence over everything else. Including, in this case, your marriage. So my question to you is if he took your soul, what are your plans to take it back? More to the point, why is not hurting your "recovering" husband a priority?

Vale's right: you can't hurt his recovery. You can hurt only yours.

Regarding his family (and specifically your mother in law), there is nothing wrong with allowing them to be wrong. Don't waste your energy dealing with those who are hermetically sealed from reality.

It's time to take back your soul, and it's time for you to heal. Read as many posts as you can from women such as yourself who have been through the fire. And then you can make an informed decision on how to take your life back.

And again, Welcome to the Board.

chicory

Welcome HealingSlow.

I will just say, to validate you, that your feelings matter too. And it takes what it takes, to build trust.

Personally, I could never trust a person who treats my wounds, which they caused, as something to be swept under the rug.

Trust is earned.....not a right... but a privilege.

Has he gone to any 12 step meetings, for help with his recovery? It might be wonderful for you to find some face to face meetings... it will give you back your power and dignity.

hugs.

HealingSlow

Thank you all for your responses. I have not gone to any meetings or seen any counselors. In July of last year i was in a position where I had an opportunity to take full time manager position. (I am a nurse). Prior to this I was workong 12 hour shifts on the weekends where I worked 12 got paid for 18 and I helped out when then needed me during the week while my kids were at school. During his last relapse I was prepared to divorce him and go it alone and had to financially situate myself so I could do so. So i accepted this job. Let's just say it was a great decision and a not so great.y
Kids have suffered...well maybe I should say suffered but THIER lives are very different. I was always here when the left for school and when they got home. The house was clean the laundry was done and things were stable. Not so much now. So I feel that pressure as well. Or I should say guilt. Work 60 plus hours a week. I'm exhausted.

So to get to the point i know i need to makes recovery a priority. Personally I thought we were doing great. Yes we go to dinner movies we sit on the couch and watch tv together. We just took a weekend trip with the kids to NYC. I think it's going ok. Let's put it this was, I think he would perfectly happy if our sex life returned. Again, the intimate connection was hit hard. So when I say "badger" thats how i feel. I know without a doubt if that returned he would not have any complaints he'd be dumb and happy while I suffered and that's how i feel.

HealingSlow

Oh I forgot. His line is "you live in the past". He says we will never move on if i stay there. Not quite sure what he means.

HealingSlow

I would also like do some opinions on this...again, I am so proud of where he is but I would be lying if I said there was not a little something that has be worried. During his first round of sobriety he went to in-pt rehab for a few days came out followed the outpt program for 2 weeks. The suboxone came up during the inpt as an option but he didn't take it. I dont even think they recommended it. But maybe the gave that to him as an option. Come to find out he blamed me for his relapse. Because "I" wouldn't allow him to take it. Which came out of nowhere. What I do recall is saying during a family meeting my lack of knowledge about how the suboxone works and my fear that he would be substituting one pill for another given his personality. He is not one to FOLLOW thru with anything that takes work. So I thought he would go to no meetings. Again, i didnt know how it worked. And quite frankly, it was never my decision. It was his. Again I got blindsided with this last year.

So now he's doing the suboxone program where he goes every week to get his prescription he sees a counselor but he does not go to anything else. Should he be going to meetings? Or is this typically sufficient? Again, i dont know.

HealingSlow

Let me also add...he misses PCP appts, he has a blood disorder which requires blood letting once a month maybe twice. I cant tell you the last time hes had that done. Maybe over a year? That is NOT a priority which we argue about a lot. I'm going to say this and I hope it does not come out wrong but i do fear that if there was not a script attached to this appt for the suboxone he probably wouldn't go. So what's going to happen when he stops? Is that 1/2 counseling session enough to sustain him after the suboxone stops?

biminiblue

No one can answer your questions about "will this be enough."

I would strongly suggest you get some therapy for yourself. Living in his head is not helpful to you or to him. Al Anon is also an option if you can fit that in.

Read some books on codependency. Spend some time reading the sticky posts at the top of the Friends and Family forums here.

This is about you, not him. You have no control over him, and no one here can tell you what your limits are, you have to come to that on your own.

HealingSlow

I read some of the stickys. Thank you. There was one that really hit home...

This is my fear
"If an addict is not 100% clean and sober of all mind-altering substances and is not daily working a program of recovery and has not put recovery ahead of ambition, parenting, love-making, hobbies, trips, and that bike ride every morning, then that addict has a shape-shifting snake in charge of his mind and soul, and you are going to suffer. "