Newbie Here - Very Long Venting Thread
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: new york, ny
Posts: 3
Newbie Here - Very Long Venting Thread
This is my first post and kinda long – please bear with me. I was searching for someplace to get advice and by God’s grace this came up to me. I may just need to vent, I am feeling pretty hopeless right now, don’t know how to get my life together. I am putting it all out there – every sordid detail. I am hoping by just getting it out will help. Thank you for being out there.
I am married to an alcoholic/former drug user. Both my parents were alcoholic and drug users. So for most of my life, I have been dealing with additions. As for myself, I do not smoke, drink or use any drugs – ever. I told myself I didn’t want to end up like my parents, but little did I know how your history eventually follows you.
I have been with my husband for 17 years, since I eighteen years old. We have two children, aged 15 and 9. My husband was addicted to cocaine for years. I have gone through the not working stages, the staying out all night, the no money – yet I stayed. I was too afraid I guess to break up my family, I think that I brought into the myth that I could keep it together, have the family I didn't have. All the while during this phase of his addictions my parents still struggled with theirs. So I had it on both sides. Not to mention that my husband’s mother is also alcoholic. I always felt that even though my husband was going through his addictions, that he never understood or had compassion for what I was going through with my parents. During this time he was often angry, unpredictable and very selfish. He also had an unhealthy attachement to his mother, whom he felt could do no wrong and confided in her all of our problems. She in turn would repeat what he said to me in a not so caring manner. (After all, he is her baby and only child.) I was young – (early, mid twenties) with a young child, but I felt I could cope. But, there was one incident that will hurt me for the rest of my life and that is when he nor his mother attended my father’s funeral. My husband had an argument with my brother and decided that he wasn’t attending, so neither did his mother. I had to go and look at all my friends and coworkers and explain why my husband was not there. This threw me into therapy and al-anon to make some sense of my life.
Fast forward to later years – My husband gave up cocaine and started to drink. I thought that I could handle it again, but now I am in my early thirties. He still has this nasty attitude and I am still struggling with trying to make everything right for everyone. Then, something in me changes. I don’t want to deal with anything anymore. But instead of doing the mature thing and leaving, I start having an affair. This person gave me so much comfort and love, that I just wanted more and more. I started to lose weight and feel better about myself. I became more attractive to other men and started other inappropriate relationships in an effort to escape my realities. My husband starts searching my cell phone and finds out that I am having an affair. It was unbearable for awhile, the fighting, the hurt. He even hit me a few times. My husband decided that he wanted to stay in the marriage. He started to take a look at himself to see where he contributed to the mess of our marriage. He started to be more attentive, taking me out, sending me flowers at work, trying to listen to my needs. He even stopped confiding in his mother so much. (Or she is keeping it in). I still wanted it to work so I took it as we were on the right path. Yet – he has still has not stopped with the alcohol. He never thought he has a problem with alcohol only drugs. He’s been in treatment once for drug abuse. He is still drinking as soon as he comes from work, or on his days off, he’ll start about one o’clock. He manages to keeps his job, performs well, helps with household bills. What I am struggling with is I am weary. 4 weeks ago, I had an abortion and did not tell my husband that I was pregnant (It was my husband’s child) because I didn’t want his mother involved and I did not want the doubts that he would have about whose child is it etc. I found myself just having sex with him to try to maintain the façade of us trying to keep it together. I am questioning whether I have wasted so many years of my life and is it worth it to go on. Now that my affair has come to light, even though my husband has claimed to forgive me, he has not. He still makes comments about it (It’s been 7 months since he found out) and now I feel he thinks that I look at every Tom, Dick and Harry to have an affair with. I feel that now he has something he can hold over my head. At times, my husband treats my daugher harshly because she reminds him of me and he does not communicate with me well. I have lost my sex drive with him and cannot stand the smell of alcohol on his breath. I am now 35 years old and feel 55. I have no real friends to vent with and my mother just passed away in March due to her health problems resulting from her drug use. I don’t like talking with him, as most people who are alcoholics and drug abusers have such a great ability to twist things in their favor. Or to have to deal with his anger, I just decide to stay quiet. But I think staying quiet is harming me more now because I am have chest pains and incredible fatigue. I am still in contact with the person that I have had the affair with, which I know is wrong. The easiest advice is what? To leave? We have a house together and 2 children. He will never let me just leave. He will make it as difficult as possible given his attitude. I have even lost the ability to pray. I feel as though I have done so many wrong things, that this is the way it should be. Thanks for listening.
I am married to an alcoholic/former drug user. Both my parents were alcoholic and drug users. So for most of my life, I have been dealing with additions. As for myself, I do not smoke, drink or use any drugs – ever. I told myself I didn’t want to end up like my parents, but little did I know how your history eventually follows you.
I have been with my husband for 17 years, since I eighteen years old. We have two children, aged 15 and 9. My husband was addicted to cocaine for years. I have gone through the not working stages, the staying out all night, the no money – yet I stayed. I was too afraid I guess to break up my family, I think that I brought into the myth that I could keep it together, have the family I didn't have. All the while during this phase of his addictions my parents still struggled with theirs. So I had it on both sides. Not to mention that my husband’s mother is also alcoholic. I always felt that even though my husband was going through his addictions, that he never understood or had compassion for what I was going through with my parents. During this time he was often angry, unpredictable and very selfish. He also had an unhealthy attachement to his mother, whom he felt could do no wrong and confided in her all of our problems. She in turn would repeat what he said to me in a not so caring manner. (After all, he is her baby and only child.) I was young – (early, mid twenties) with a young child, but I felt I could cope. But, there was one incident that will hurt me for the rest of my life and that is when he nor his mother attended my father’s funeral. My husband had an argument with my brother and decided that he wasn’t attending, so neither did his mother. I had to go and look at all my friends and coworkers and explain why my husband was not there. This threw me into therapy and al-anon to make some sense of my life.
Fast forward to later years – My husband gave up cocaine and started to drink. I thought that I could handle it again, but now I am in my early thirties. He still has this nasty attitude and I am still struggling with trying to make everything right for everyone. Then, something in me changes. I don’t want to deal with anything anymore. But instead of doing the mature thing and leaving, I start having an affair. This person gave me so much comfort and love, that I just wanted more and more. I started to lose weight and feel better about myself. I became more attractive to other men and started other inappropriate relationships in an effort to escape my realities. My husband starts searching my cell phone and finds out that I am having an affair. It was unbearable for awhile, the fighting, the hurt. He even hit me a few times. My husband decided that he wanted to stay in the marriage. He started to take a look at himself to see where he contributed to the mess of our marriage. He started to be more attentive, taking me out, sending me flowers at work, trying to listen to my needs. He even stopped confiding in his mother so much. (Or she is keeping it in). I still wanted it to work so I took it as we were on the right path. Yet – he has still has not stopped with the alcohol. He never thought he has a problem with alcohol only drugs. He’s been in treatment once for drug abuse. He is still drinking as soon as he comes from work, or on his days off, he’ll start about one o’clock. He manages to keeps his job, performs well, helps with household bills. What I am struggling with is I am weary. 4 weeks ago, I had an abortion and did not tell my husband that I was pregnant (It was my husband’s child) because I didn’t want his mother involved and I did not want the doubts that he would have about whose child is it etc. I found myself just having sex with him to try to maintain the façade of us trying to keep it together. I am questioning whether I have wasted so many years of my life and is it worth it to go on. Now that my affair has come to light, even though my husband has claimed to forgive me, he has not. He still makes comments about it (It’s been 7 months since he found out) and now I feel he thinks that I look at every Tom, Dick and Harry to have an affair with. I feel that now he has something he can hold over my head. At times, my husband treats my daugher harshly because she reminds him of me and he does not communicate with me well. I have lost my sex drive with him and cannot stand the smell of alcohol on his breath. I am now 35 years old and feel 55. I have no real friends to vent with and my mother just passed away in March due to her health problems resulting from her drug use. I don’t like talking with him, as most people who are alcoholics and drug abusers have such a great ability to twist things in their favor. Or to have to deal with his anger, I just decide to stay quiet. But I think staying quiet is harming me more now because I am have chest pains and incredible fatigue. I am still in contact with the person that I have had the affair with, which I know is wrong. The easiest advice is what? To leave? We have a house together and 2 children. He will never let me just leave. He will make it as difficult as possible given his attitude. I have even lost the ability to pray. I feel as though I have done so many wrong things, that this is the way it should be. Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Welcome Nicegirl!
I am so glad you found us. You don't have to stay quiet any more. So, you kind of think because of the affair you deserve the crap? Whatever did you do to deserve it before that? Nothin'? I thought not.
All we can do about our mistakes is not make the same ones again. But other people's behavior is their responsibility. Your behavior doesn't excuse his any more than you would use his for an excuse.
Please feel free to come here and unload anytime. Too much bottled up frustration makes it hard to make a rational plan, or to even see things in their real proportions. You might want to check out an alanon meeting in your area as well.
Hugs,
Smoke
I am so glad you found us. You don't have to stay quiet any more. So, you kind of think because of the affair you deserve the crap? Whatever did you do to deserve it before that? Nothin'? I thought not.
All we can do about our mistakes is not make the same ones again. But other people's behavior is their responsibility. Your behavior doesn't excuse his any more than you would use his for an excuse.Please feel free to come here and unload anytime. Too much bottled up frustration makes it hard to make a rational plan, or to even see things in their real proportions. You might want to check out an alanon meeting in your area as well.
Hugs,
Smoke
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Nicegal.. Welcome
Please keep posting your thoughts and concerns, that is such a help, to get it out lightens the load.
Perhaps read all the posts here on SR. Reading all these will give you help in making decesions(sp). If you haven't tried Al-Anon, please do. HUGS clancy46
Please keep posting your thoughts and concerns, that is such a help, to get it out lightens the load.
Perhaps read all the posts here on SR. Reading all these will give you help in making decesions(sp). If you haven't tried Al-Anon, please do. HUGS clancy46
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Indianapolis, In
Posts: 112
Oh Nicegal, quit beating yourself up. You have handled these bad situations the best you could. We all make mistakes. But why are you the only one fessing up to your mistakes? you have been hurt too -- by your loved ones' behaviors.
Forgive yourself for the affair and the lost child. You did the best you could at the time. Youve been thru some extremely difficult times. You have been and are being manipulated. My ex was like that. It's a scary situation. I know it feels hopeless but it's not. Start really thinking and formulating a plan. you know you have to leave...it sounds like you have made that decision in your head at least. Now you just have to figure out how.
Be careful and cautious. WAtch out for your best interests and quit blaming yourself. He wants you to accept all the blame. But you don't deserve that at all.
I've probably said too much already. Just know I have been in a similar situation and I know how it feels. I worry over my kids being taken from me, support being withheld, paying the bills, finding another person that might love me (I don't like to be alone), etc. But it's possible to improve your life, grow emotionally and finally find some peace. You certainly need some after all you have been through with your parents and now your husband.
huge hugs
Forgive yourself for the affair and the lost child. You did the best you could at the time. Youve been thru some extremely difficult times. You have been and are being manipulated. My ex was like that. It's a scary situation. I know it feels hopeless but it's not. Start really thinking and formulating a plan. you know you have to leave...it sounds like you have made that decision in your head at least. Now you just have to figure out how.
Be careful and cautious. WAtch out for your best interests and quit blaming yourself. He wants you to accept all the blame. But you don't deserve that at all.
I've probably said too much already. Just know I have been in a similar situation and I know how it feels. I worry over my kids being taken from me, support being withheld, paying the bills, finding another person that might love me (I don't like to be alone), etc. But it's possible to improve your life, grow emotionally and finally find some peace. You certainly need some after all you have been through with your parents and now your husband.
huge hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
(((Nicegal))) Welcome! I'm so glad you found us. I think you'll find alot of kindred spirits here. First off let me congratulate you on having the courage to tell your story. It's a difficult thing to do when your so used to keeping everything inside. I know. I'm happy to see you reaching out for support, it shows that there is a part of you that wants to get better, be happy and live a better life. This forum is an excellant place to connect with others and learn ways to help you get through this. Please see your doctor first off and make sure those chest pains aren't a sign of a health problem. Have you been to Al-anon lately? If not please go back, it's going to be one of the best things you can do. With so much addiction in your family you really need it. To be the child of an alcoholic/addict and the partner of one is a real doubleshot. Have you considered any counseling? I saw so much anger, resentment, guilt and loneliness in your post, my heart aches for all the pain you've been through and are still going through. You seem so overwhelmed right now and your support system seems very limited. Maybye counseling along with alanon could be of help to you. I know alot of places offer free or low cost counseling to those in need. Keep posting here, rant, scream, cry it's all good in this house. And if your not good at talking in face to face meetings this forum can be an excellant way to get your feelings out. These are all just suggestions of things that might could help you, what you chose to do or not do is up to you. Remember you are powerless over alcohol and drugs. You can't control it, but you can not let it control you. I hope we see alot of you here. Keep in touch, my prayers are with you.......Teggie
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hey Nicegal,
Welcome! There is no solution in blame. We can only learn from the past and try to move forward. I know it doesn't seem like the nightmare will ever end, but you have the resources to learn to take care of you now. This forum is a great place to start. There is also Al-Anon. I have gotten so much healing and growing from it. You may want to check out some meetings in your area. To find a meeting, look in the Links and Resources forum and click on Al-Anon. You will be surprised how many people are going through the same situations, and how many are overcoming the hurt, sorrow, and anger. You have tapped a great wealth of support here. Hope you come back and share with us more. Hugs, Magic
Welcome! There is no solution in blame. We can only learn from the past and try to move forward. I know it doesn't seem like the nightmare will ever end, but you have the resources to learn to take care of you now. This forum is a great place to start. There is also Al-Anon. I have gotten so much healing and growing from it. You may want to check out some meetings in your area. To find a meeting, look in the Links and Resources forum and click on Al-Anon. You will be surprised how many people are going through the same situations, and how many are overcoming the hurt, sorrow, and anger. You have tapped a great wealth of support here. Hope you come back and share with us more. Hugs, Magic
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: new york, ny
Posts: 3
Thank you all for your replies. I do feel better, I think just putting it out there in words. I used to journal at home until my husband read all my journals. But, as we argued last night, him waking me up at 2:00 in the morning because what he had to say just couldn’t wait – I realized, I don’t have to participate. I simply turned my back and said I do not want to be a part of this anymore. I am tired of being scared of what will happen if I say simply – I don’t love you anymore, I want out. I know that my affair was part of me wanting him to find out and leave. But that didn’t happen. Now I have to change. Forgiveness is a hard thing to do, and I have done it time and time again in this marriage. Now its time to work on myself. I did attend Alanon years ago and am looking to attend again. Once again thank you for all your replies. I certainly will keep posting.
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Wow! That was a lightbulb moment. God I know it's hard to struggle through each day and each drama, but sometimes we get a glimpse that it can be different. I just never realized before Al-Anon that the difference had to begin with me. You have already taken a giant step. Give yourself a pat on the back. Hugs, Magic
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
