So lost don't know how to handle!?
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 16
So lost don't know how to handle!?
I have been with my fiancé for three years. Engaged for almost one of them. He has struggled on and off with opiates the whole time. He weans himself off only to relapse later. His record clean is 4 months. Last wednesday he finished out patient rehab. That Friday he was high again. I called him out about it he admitted to it and said it was just that night and he was back on suboxone. Ok. I chose that night to let him know the boundaries I had set for myself , one of which is i won't live with an addict so if move out. I had been waiting to tell him these because he had just gotten out of rehab and I didn't want him to take it as me expecting him to relapse. But then... Yeah. So most of the week after was fine but he was questionable the past couple nights. Today out dog got into his laundry (he lovessss socks and panties) and I was putting it all back in his basket when I picked up a sock with stuff in it. There was a spoon two needles empty baggies a q tip and used cotton balls - brown. I was so sad and shaking . I thought maybe they're from last weekend when he messes up. The cotton balls were still slightly damp, I pressed a paper towel on them to check.
Could they have been from last weekend? What should I do?
Could they have been from last weekend? What should I do?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,870
You gave him an ultimatum that if he used, you would be gone. The cotton balls wouldn't still be wet if they were used last weekend. You know this in your gut. The question now is did you mean it when you gave your ultimatum? If you don't act on it, he'll know that you won't actually follow through. Your words will be as meaningless as his.
Sorry to be so blunt, but you've been through this before. It sounds like nothing has changed except he's trying harder to hide his using. You deserve better.
Welcome to SR. You'll find a lot of support here. (((HUGS)))
Sorry to be so blunt, but you've been through this before. It sounds like nothing has changed except he's trying harder to hide his using. You deserve better.
Welcome to SR. You'll find a lot of support here. (((HUGS)))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 16
I know :/ you're right. I intend to keep my word. I'm just scared because it's hard. Lol I sound like such a child. I haven't talked to him about my find yet. He is at the beach with his parents. I don't know how to approach it I know he will probably get upset. Oh well. I was hoping someone here might have gone through something similar and be able to share their experience .
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,870
I'm sure there are many others here who have experience with what you are going through. They'll be along at some point to share with you. Weekends are kind of slow, especially during the day.
Don't give up...keep coming back and keep reading and posting. Especially read the "sticky" posts at the top of this forum. You'll find a lot of information there. We are here to support you.
Don't give up...keep coming back and keep reading and posting. Especially read the "sticky" posts at the top of this forum. You'll find a lot of information there. We are here to support you.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Hi, welcome to the forums here at SR.
What kind of experience are you looking to find here?
You already know what you need to do - we've all been in your shoes in one way or another, and yes, when you confront him there will be an argument, unless you move out while he's gone.
I've done that. It's the easiest, safest way in cases where there is rage.
What kind of experience are you looking to find here?
You already know what you need to do - we've all been in your shoes in one way or another, and yes, when you confront him there will be an argument, unless you move out while he's gone.
I've done that. It's the easiest, safest way in cases where there is rage.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 16
I definitely plan on leaving when he isn't home it's just do I confront him? Today? Wait until we are back from the beach tomorrow night? Is there a best way to confront him? I think I'm ready though , argument or not
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
You don't have to confront him. You certainly can, if you feel you would be safe doing so.
I've had a bunch of huge arguments with the addicts in my life. (Three times, because I didn't learn enough with the first two guys.) The final straw with the two who hit/strangled caused me to leave while they were gone, and never talked to them again - no explanation, no discussion. Me=Gone.
The third I married. He was a kind person who was meek and nonviolent. We were married so it necessarily required a different type of disengagement, but it still got ugly when he moved out.
I've had a bunch of huge arguments with the addicts in my life. (Three times, because I didn't learn enough with the first two guys.) The final straw with the two who hit/strangled caused me to leave while they were gone, and never talked to them again - no explanation, no discussion. Me=Gone.
The third I married. He was a kind person who was meek and nonviolent. We were married so it necessarily required a different type of disengagement, but it still got ugly when he moved out.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
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That is kind of what I'm in, he's loving and has never hit me or hurt me or anything like that. I think he overcompensates when he's using. But when confronted it is an argument - but never physical. How did you go about leaving the last one , if you don't mind me asking of course
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Well, I begged and pleaded for a year. Then I got mad and ranted and stomped around. Then I tried to get us into therapy. He wouldn't go, he wouldn't even talk when I tried to get answers or at least have a discussion. He would just shut down completely. We had huge financial problems that he caused, and no intimacy at all and then the no-talking thing. He drank, smoked pot and did cocaine. I was also drinking at the time.
It was pretty easy once I decided I had had enough. I said, "Do you want the (rental) house?"
"No."
"Then I want you to leave."
He did. Simples. I kind of wanted him to have at least a moment of bargaining, but there was none.
It was pretty easy once I decided I had had enough. I said, "Do you want the (rental) house?"
"No."
"Then I want you to leave."
He did. Simples. I kind of wanted him to have at least a moment of bargaining, but there was none.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
The "ugly" part was just fighting over stuff. It was stupid, really. He could have feelings about a plant or a piece of furniture, but not about me.
Of course, it wasn't just about the plant or furniture, that was just the only thing he argued about. It was weird.
Of course, it wasn't just about the plant or furniture, that was just the only thing he argued about. It was weird.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 16
I'm so sorry for everything you've been through I hope life is treating you well now! We live with his parents , if they find out they'll kick him out and said I could stay but id rather be the one to leave
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Lostgirl808,
It IS very frightening and confusing.....it is NOT easy. Please devote some time for
YOU today. Devote some time to diligent study of the "stickys" above.
We are not computer generated apparitions here....this stuff represents REAL people
going through REAL lives facing REAL HARD choices.
We wish you the very best outcome possible.And....correction....you are NOT
lost----you are rapidly realigning your orientation.
It IS very frightening and confusing.....it is NOT easy. Please devote some time for
YOU today. Devote some time to diligent study of the "stickys" above.
We are not computer generated apparitions here....this stuff represents REAL people
going through REAL lives facing REAL HARD choices.
We wish you the very best outcome possible.And....correction....you are NOT
lost----you are rapidly realigning your orientation.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 16
I've begun reading through the sticky posts, they are so powerful and insightful and helpful! I feel like if I read long enough I won't be so confused and feel stronger. I'm gonna confront him tonight when he's home.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 129
I am new to the forum and I thought I would jump in here... I am not sure if it is the proper place to share my story or not.. the original posters story compelled me to share i wanted them to know they are not alone..
__________________________________________________ _____
I am sitting here in front of my laptop on my mothers couch, 37 year old and now no job no place to live and lost thousands of dollars from my alcoholic. Me and my fiancé had a one bedroom apartment (in her name) i had a work from home job that paid ok... upon having to move out meant i would also lose the job as I had just started said job after i finished my degree from my GI Bill this past june and i was still in training.
My fiancé and I were together 3 years. I always knew there was something a bit off about her and started to see warning signs that looking back I should have recognized but with lack of experience did not either notice or want to believe.
Now she has been in the hospital for alcohol poisoning and then her family threw her into rehab. The day it happened was my birthday. She previously had gone on several days worth of benders ... one was 3 days on the couch and not going to work another one was 4 days and this last one was almost a week.
Her family is blaming me for everything even though I of course did not buy her the booze she did. Over the past 2 months I found over 15 bottles hidden throughout the apartment. I feel so naive that they were there all along and i never noticed... I would start catching her drinking before she would go to work by marking the bottle. when i would confront her about it and try to take her keys from her of course she didn't drink it I must have or i dumped it out. It kept getting worse and worse until the benders started..
back to my birthday we went out for dinner she paid with a gift card her mother gave her several months before, which i thought was strange, but ok i still appreciate the birthday meal just the same. after we got home i went into the computer room while she watched her stupid reality tv... a couple hours later I came back out to find her drunk off her butt passed out on the couch... I found a fifth of capt morgan in her purse over half empty.. now at this point i chose to leave, because she also started becoming very violent and a 911 dialer... I'm guessing the 911 calling is to pass the blame. I was never arrested although cops did arrive several times... i was of course the only person sober she was always trashed... luckily for me she did not have any bruises that may have looked like i put them there.. she is a fall down drunk... falls in the tub falls on the coffee table etc.
So i got to the point where when she would get trashed out of the blue i would go sleep on my mothers couch until she sobered up ... i really did not know what else to do.. i got tired of the same old from her mother insisting i dumb out the bottle, take her credit cards (which i could be arrested for) take her keys and her money to try and prevent her from buying anymore... i learned later that her mother must be very sick and lost to be enabling her daughter this badly... the story would go on forever if i tried to tell it all.
So i decided to drive away and sleep on my mothers couch again... this time was different the next day she was calling me and cussing me out sending me very hateful texts for leaving... of course there was no I'm sorry i shouldn't have got trashed on your birthday... then her mother started with the nasty voicemails calling me names etc... that all calmed down so i decided to give it a few more days for everyone to cool off... i heard from her 2 days later she sounded sober and fine... then i guess she went off the deep end. started getting super nasty with me so i chose to stay away i did not want to get into an altercation with a drunk woman and have my butt thrown in jail for something i didn't do. her mother found her and had to rush her to the hospital for detox then they threw her in rehab...
a month went buy i was going out of my mind... her family was refusing to speak to me... making up lies... telling me to stay away from their daughter etc.. then a week later i hear from her out of the blue telling me i can come get my things out of her apartment when she is ready and to stay away from her...
I tell ya this has been my first experience with an alcoholic and it has been the most confusing thing and hurtful thing i have ever experienced. I can not wrap my head around how she went and purchased booze on my birthday.. hid it in her purse... got plastered .... i felt i had to leave to protect myself from her drunken state... and wait till she got sober she chose to go get more booze and drink herself into the hospital and then rehab and somehow.... someway this is ALL MY FAULT...
I feel everyones pain the anxiety has been so bad i have almost thrown up at times... I realize that we were not married there were no kids involved and i should be thanking god for my free pass... but it sure doesn't feel that way to me. The binges came out of the blue and me starting to find bottles everyone came out of the blue as we only lived together 6 months of our 3 year relationship.. i am guess that is the only reason why she was able to hide it from me and my family for so long, that and the fact she is a pro at hiding her problem.
Hope my story helps someone.. I know it helped me getting it off of my chest. thank you for taking the time to read my story.
__________________________________________________ _____
I am sitting here in front of my laptop on my mothers couch, 37 year old and now no job no place to live and lost thousands of dollars from my alcoholic. Me and my fiancé had a one bedroom apartment (in her name) i had a work from home job that paid ok... upon having to move out meant i would also lose the job as I had just started said job after i finished my degree from my GI Bill this past june and i was still in training.
My fiancé and I were together 3 years. I always knew there was something a bit off about her and started to see warning signs that looking back I should have recognized but with lack of experience did not either notice or want to believe.
Now she has been in the hospital for alcohol poisoning and then her family threw her into rehab. The day it happened was my birthday. She previously had gone on several days worth of benders ... one was 3 days on the couch and not going to work another one was 4 days and this last one was almost a week.
Her family is blaming me for everything even though I of course did not buy her the booze she did. Over the past 2 months I found over 15 bottles hidden throughout the apartment. I feel so naive that they were there all along and i never noticed... I would start catching her drinking before she would go to work by marking the bottle. when i would confront her about it and try to take her keys from her of course she didn't drink it I must have or i dumped it out. It kept getting worse and worse until the benders started..
back to my birthday we went out for dinner she paid with a gift card her mother gave her several months before, which i thought was strange, but ok i still appreciate the birthday meal just the same. after we got home i went into the computer room while she watched her stupid reality tv... a couple hours later I came back out to find her drunk off her butt passed out on the couch... I found a fifth of capt morgan in her purse over half empty.. now at this point i chose to leave, because she also started becoming very violent and a 911 dialer... I'm guessing the 911 calling is to pass the blame. I was never arrested although cops did arrive several times... i was of course the only person sober she was always trashed... luckily for me she did not have any bruises that may have looked like i put them there.. she is a fall down drunk... falls in the tub falls on the coffee table etc.
So i got to the point where when she would get trashed out of the blue i would go sleep on my mothers couch until she sobered up ... i really did not know what else to do.. i got tired of the same old from her mother insisting i dumb out the bottle, take her credit cards (which i could be arrested for) take her keys and her money to try and prevent her from buying anymore... i learned later that her mother must be very sick and lost to be enabling her daughter this badly... the story would go on forever if i tried to tell it all.
So i decided to drive away and sleep on my mothers couch again... this time was different the next day she was calling me and cussing me out sending me very hateful texts for leaving... of course there was no I'm sorry i shouldn't have got trashed on your birthday... then her mother started with the nasty voicemails calling me names etc... that all calmed down so i decided to give it a few more days for everyone to cool off... i heard from her 2 days later she sounded sober and fine... then i guess she went off the deep end. started getting super nasty with me so i chose to stay away i did not want to get into an altercation with a drunk woman and have my butt thrown in jail for something i didn't do. her mother found her and had to rush her to the hospital for detox then they threw her in rehab...
a month went buy i was going out of my mind... her family was refusing to speak to me... making up lies... telling me to stay away from their daughter etc.. then a week later i hear from her out of the blue telling me i can come get my things out of her apartment when she is ready and to stay away from her...
I tell ya this has been my first experience with an alcoholic and it has been the most confusing thing and hurtful thing i have ever experienced. I can not wrap my head around how she went and purchased booze on my birthday.. hid it in her purse... got plastered .... i felt i had to leave to protect myself from her drunken state... and wait till she got sober she chose to go get more booze and drink herself into the hospital and then rehab and somehow.... someway this is ALL MY FAULT...
I feel everyones pain the anxiety has been so bad i have almost thrown up at times... I realize that we were not married there were no kids involved and i should be thanking god for my free pass... but it sure doesn't feel that way to me. The binges came out of the blue and me starting to find bottles everyone came out of the blue as we only lived together 6 months of our 3 year relationship.. i am guess that is the only reason why she was able to hide it from me and my family for so long, that and the fact she is a pro at hiding her problem.
Hope my story helps someone.. I know it helped me getting it off of my chest. thank you for taking the time to read my story.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 129
and of course she has not returned my $3000 ring... I am worried that she most likely met some addict in rehab she will have a fling with just to get back at me for leaving her apartment when she chose to get trashed on my birthday.. the entire situaiton is rather ridiculous.. and somehow someway i still do love her and would love to see her rehab actually work and us be able to work it out.. but in the back of my mind i just do not see that happening.. she is pushing me a way for a reason and my gut tells me... rehab romance...
pretty messed up when you were engaged to be married, with someone for 3 years living together and you come out of rehab without a care in the world engagement ring still on the table and already messing around with someone else..
sigh.. i know i am better off without her in my life and that i deserve better it is just hard to swollow that i have her and her family blaming me for all of this when they don't realize i would never buy her booze after i knew there was a problem because why would i want to subject myself to the torture of her while she is drunk of the deep end.
My family and I have since figured out that her and her family were pretty much lying to me the entire time. We found out she had a second Facebook that i was not aware of last used in 2008.. and the pictures we found on that Facebook were very telling to say the least.. it was party central... i served 8 years in the Army and never saw that much booze at one place before. So this problem that I have encountered was covered up by her and her family most likely hoping that i would come along and step in and take alcoholic daughter off of their hands because they are tired of taking care of her and fixing her problems. Its amazing how much i am finding out now that I know to look... and its amazing how much is out there we don't know when we did not have a reason to look... makes you wonder about everyone ... this is a girl i thought i knew, my family thought they knew.. my mother has been shopping with her etc... and none of us really had any clue it was this bad... there were a few drunken episodes but never any benders or hidden bottles found in the beginning. So I got duped by an alcoholic and her family and taken for a ride for thousands of dollars and my heart smashed to pieces in the process.
Hope my story helps someone out there dealing with this crap... I know you are hurting I am hurting very bad too right now I am in disbelief still that all of this has happened...
Now back to looking for a job... thanks to my ex..
pretty messed up when you were engaged to be married, with someone for 3 years living together and you come out of rehab without a care in the world engagement ring still on the table and already messing around with someone else..
sigh.. i know i am better off without her in my life and that i deserve better it is just hard to swollow that i have her and her family blaming me for all of this when they don't realize i would never buy her booze after i knew there was a problem because why would i want to subject myself to the torture of her while she is drunk of the deep end.
My family and I have since figured out that her and her family were pretty much lying to me the entire time. We found out she had a second Facebook that i was not aware of last used in 2008.. and the pictures we found on that Facebook were very telling to say the least.. it was party central... i served 8 years in the Army and never saw that much booze at one place before. So this problem that I have encountered was covered up by her and her family most likely hoping that i would come along and step in and take alcoholic daughter off of their hands because they are tired of taking care of her and fixing her problems. Its amazing how much i am finding out now that I know to look... and its amazing how much is out there we don't know when we did not have a reason to look... makes you wonder about everyone ... this is a girl i thought i knew, my family thought they knew.. my mother has been shopping with her etc... and none of us really had any clue it was this bad... there were a few drunken episodes but never any benders or hidden bottles found in the beginning. So I got duped by an alcoholic and her family and taken for a ride for thousands of dollars and my heart smashed to pieces in the process.
Hope my story helps someone out there dealing with this crap... I know you are hurting I am hurting very bad too right now I am in disbelief still that all of this has happened...
Now back to looking for a job... thanks to my ex..
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 79
I have been in a relationship with my active heroin user for a little less than a year. He was using before we met, and relapsed after treatment shortly before we met. He told me of his past when we started dating but failed to tell me he was beginning to actively use again. Like numbingly I tried everything. Supporting him, mothering him, yelling at him, ultimatum s and so much more. I feel as tho our relationship has yet to begin. We currently talk and see each other about twice a week and he continues to use. He is talking about being clean and going to treatment andbworking the program. He has given me a date he wants to go. And I'm hopeful. For me this is it tho, so if he doesn't go by the date he said, I will lose my hope for a future. But I can't walk away. He is the sweetest most genuine man ever. I'd love to talk with you more. 
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 129
from what I have read REHAB is not the end all be all... husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, fiancé... can go to rehab and come out with a significant other. Emotions are running high in there due to the chemicals in the brain stabilizing now that the abusive substance is missing and they are sober... the addicts feel euphoric because of this and mistake it for love at first sight... In my opinion rehabs should not be co ed... having co ed rehabs in my opinion is a recipe for disaster and counter productive. You take an addict guy who's lonely put him in the same room with an emotionally distraught female who would believe anything while searching for answers and wallah you got love at first site meanwhile husband and wife on the outside have no idea an atom bomb just went off around them. this sure could have been prevent if there were no co ed rehabs..
I can't prove my alcoholic is in a rehab romance and may not ever be able to unless she is dumb enough to start posting stuff on Facebook but at this point i guess our relationship is over because she is angry at me for leaving while she was drunk....
addiction is the most cunning and cruel thing i have ever encountered in my life.
I can't prove my alcoholic is in a rehab romance and may not ever be able to unless she is dumb enough to start posting stuff on Facebook but at this point i guess our relationship is over because she is angry at me for leaving while she was drunk....
addiction is the most cunning and cruel thing i have ever encountered in my life.
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