healthyagain

Vacation time!

The good thing about it, I have predicted every single thing he did yesterday and was able to cancel everything on time. I was juuuuuuust waiting.

So this is only the beginning of a "wonderful" week. I might suggest him to go anywhere he wants and enjoy himself, but without me. I just cannot. I cannot make myself, I cannot pretend, I cannot think for him, I cannot plan for him, and I cannot pack his stuff for him. My brain is done and I am tired of adrenaline rush (not the nice one, when you are in love, but the one you get when you hear some really bad news) that I have all the time now. And I am simply scared to leave home. Plain and simple. I am terrified.

My action plan is:

-Avoid arguments at any cost (and avoid him)
-Do not give him any reason to lash out (this one gonna be tough, because my very existence is the reason for him to be angry)
-Focus on my work

In case of emergency: Plan A - motel and Plan B - cops.

And one question. Is it possible that they are capable of undermining their own vacation time so they could stay home and drink?

dandylion

Absolutely!!!!

dandylion

suki44883

Absolutely, as you just witnessed.

biminiblue

I am afraid for you.

If he has been violent even once, that is a dealbreaker and you need to leave.

If you are terrified, call a domestic violence phone number and ask for protective housing today.

ForgetfulKevin

[sorry, wrong forum]

healthyagain

He is actually very verbal, and never physically violent, but I am aware that things get worse and that he might cross that line one day.

If anything happens this week, at least I'll be home. And I am ready to call the cops. I really am.

ladyscribbler

My ex never needed a "reason" to lash out. He just did it. There was always some excuse, but it's more about the anger. Mine needed those rages for some reason. He is as addicted to them as he is to alcohol.
Keep yourself safe.

dandylion

healthyagain....do you really consider it your duty to stay and tolerate the verbal abuse until it turns physical.

Verbal abuse can be just as damaging to you as physical abuse.

dandylion

healthyagain

Oh, no, dandylion, there is no duty to stay, but under these circumstances, I need to do many things first to be able to leave. But my heart has made the first step. Now everything else is up to my brain. Even if he stopped drinking tomorrow, I would feel the same.

He is sleeping now, BTW.

Soberintexas007

Healthy,
Do you get any physical side effects from his verbal abuse. Although my husband has gotten better, if he is verbally abusive or makes me feel uncomfortable in social situations when he gets ancy, I get knots in my stomach that usually last for the rest of the day, and then they go away by the next day, as long as he is nice the next day.

healthyagain

I do get side effect. Insomnia is common after fights, migraine, inability to focus, brain fog, probably depression, low self-esteem. I also have heartburn almost every day and it makes my stomach roll. But the knot-in-the stomach feeling, I think it is probably your adrenalin going wild.

Soberintexas007

I will say this about my husband. We are lucky to be able to go on cruises and other nice places when we go on vacation, and I find that his mood is a lot better when he is on vacation in these nice places because he is happy. But I would guess he would become moody and depressed if he drank and stayed home while on vacation.

healthyagain

You see, mine is unbearable on vacations, and the place is irrelevant. It can be on cruises or on mountains or hunting lions and elephants in Africa. And these days, I am tired of walking on the eggshells and pampering his addiction.

Charmed3

This is so true. In my case, the physical abuse came at the end in the weeks before I left.

The verbal, mental and emotional abuse took place over what I thought was 8 years and through counseling have begun to realize it started within a year after we married, I didn't see it even happening because it was a gradual increase. I didn't realize how bad it was until after I left and trying to untangle my mind from what I have been through.

changeneeded

I get you, healthy, I understand what you are saying. Mine is becoming more and more like this. It used to be hit and miss.. you just never knew, for sure what you were going to get.

Last weekend we were at our vacation house and he was moping around in the morning and snapping in the early afternoon. I wasn't sure if he was waiting to drink for an appropriate time or it was just his family bothering him.

Finally when he opened a beer (but began to "sneak" his shots, that none of us notice or know about. Ya right) He was happy for a while and embarassing in between happing and a Jack. He and I got in a huge fight because I could not keep this mouth S H U T!

We were supposed to go this weekend him first and I would come up a couple days later. I opted to stay home and not go. He knows why, even if it was unspoken. He know I'm "there" and it won't be long.

Sorry to hijack your thread, just wanted to know that I am with you and so is everyone else here. Stay strong and do what you need to do. <3

healthyagain

Hello changeneeded! You are not hijacking anything. I appreciate when people share their experience.

I'll keep my mouth shut this time. Not giving him any reason to attack.

sosadandhurt

Oh the money I have lost from non-taken vacations. Why do they do this? My ABF left a month ago and we had planned to go somewhere this weekend, (Labor Day). Thank goodness I actually used good sense for once and didnt make any reservations or I would have lost it all, once again. Hang in there and know you are not alone. I love this site.

heartbrokenK

When I read your title I was thinking "holidays". Take care of yourself and I'm glad you have backup plans!

Dojang

As a domestic violence counselor, I truly believe verbal abuse is much more damaging than physical abuse. Verbal abuse begins before the physical abuse, is not illegal & doesn't qualify you for a protective order in most places. But the damage lasts much longer than the physical abuse. The verbal prepares you for the physical abuse.

WendyOR

I didn't know cancelling vacations was something that was common. We had planned a vacation to Vegas. I researched for months.... was booking at the Hard Rock, since he is a musician. We were going to go to the house of blues.... go watch local bands on Fremont... etc. He didn't request the time off ... kept reminding him... or asking him if he had, etc. Finally, 2 months before we were to leave said he was unable to get the time off work as it was their busy time, and we would do it at another date.... guess what... never talked about it again. We had been choosing between there and Hawaii... he said there due to the music scene. This went on for a year....

I hope you are staying safe. I hope you going to take every measure to keep yourself safe.... stick to your plans.