PurpleWilder

...for copping an attitude with some of my coworkers. And I hate to admit it, but they were right.

I'm glad I'm in CODA now, but its like someone yanked a scab off my heart and all of this crap is coming out. Stuff I never even knew I was feeling. Hateful, hurtful, "screw you all" type of stuff.

And I am so filled with hate and resentment towards my XAH. Read my starting post in "Both Better and Worse" for the story on that. And this morning when I dropped of our daughter at his place at 7AM, there was the girlfriend's car....having obviously spent the night.

I was sick to my stomach. But why? I really don't to be with him in any way. But it just makes me so frickin' angry that this little abusive, narcissistic little pissant gets to have someone to hold at night, and I don't. He has someone who wants to know how his day is going, and how he is feeling, and what he wants to do with his day, and I don't. Why? Why? It just isn't fair. It seems sometimes like there is a big cosmic list somewhere of people who get to have love and I will never be on it. What did I do?

Rationally I know there are many unhealthy people in relationships and many very healthy people who have to go it alone. But my heart....it just hurts so frickin' bad. I'm not really missing him - I'm missing the Him that I wish I could have that I never met. Sometimes I don't think I ever will.

I am going to CODA and individual counseling but it just isn't getting to the bottom of it. I am on Step 3 in CODA.

I'm sick of feeling tossed aside by the world. I'm tired of being alone. I'm just weary of it all. And the "get a manicure, give yourself a facial" blather just gets on my last nerve. It really just makes me feel like I'm polishing a turd.

And I have $92 to last me one week with two kids, so there ya go.

GRRRRRR.

ghosseir

I am so sorry Purple... And i've been where you are and I know how much it hurts..... Well, rest assured that whoever this chick is, she 'll be heartbroken soon enough....

Everyone here at SR can sympathize with you - big hug, you'll get through this and be better off in the long run

biminiblue

I can relate to all you wrote. The anger, the lack of empathy for anyone else but myself.

It was a sad lonely place to be. I am so much happier now that I don't feel like the world is against me.

There are a lot of bad relationships out there. People don't generally talk about how bad it is behind closed doors, but there are many miserable people who never get the courage to leave. You will find a life for yourself. It may or may not include a love relationship. It will be okay, and you will raise your kids in a much better environment. It is a process.

Time takes time.

SeriousKarma

I feel ya, PW!

My STBXAH has no problem finding a string of women to fall head over heals for him. And he convinces himself, each time, that the one he's with is his "One True Love".

But he's having to tap dance faster and faster, the one he's living with now has no job, no car, problems with the law, is estranged from her children.... On top of that she doesn't appear to have anything substantively in common with my husband. Her taste in the arts, politics, even her sense of humor seem at odds with the man I've known for a quarter of a century. I started thinking about it, and I realized that each woman he's been with during this trajectory has been more and more broken. In essence, matching the progression of his decease.

I guess that's just a long way of saying that you shouldn't assume you're X and his girlfriend are happy, no matter how blissful they seem.

I think sometimes, when it comes to X's the hardest part is accepting that when the Karma Bus hits them we may not be there to watch. (((((( hugs ))))))

ashamed2day

I never knew what rage was prior to AH. I heard the word but never experienced it until months ago.

I can honestly say keep working on yourself and eventually it will get easier.

You know what he is all about and it only brought you pain. You are strong for leaving this new chick hasn't even begun the cycle of heartache yet.

jarp

I can fully sympathise with everything you are saying.

And to be honest it's one of my biggest fears in letting my AH go completely...that day when I hear he has someone else.

I should feel sorry for that person, but instead know I will feel pain, envy, jealousy, pain, oh and did I mention PAIN?

It's partof the reason I hang in there.... Sick hey?

smc92va

I know exactly what you mean- it's like when does karma kick in? When does the universe recognize the work I'm doing and my desire for happiness and serenity? I undulate between those feelings and then the guilt and frustration that comes when I also recognize these are the exact things that are keeping me from true happiness and serenity. It's like one big giant catch 22!!!

Eddiebuckle

Purple, you are imagining what his relationship is like. Nobody is capable of bs-ing 24/7 - sooner or later the work of being something you aren't and acting in a way that is inconsistent with how you truly feel makes it impossible to keep up the charade any longer. You imagine his relationship is a "10" but to get a "10" you've got to be a "10." He's not a 10, you know this. Whatever relationship he has is limited by who he is and his active addiction. Anybody who would hitch their wagon to that crazy train can't have much to bring to the table or won't hang around long once reality sets in.

Focus on you and your children. In time, someone who values what you do will cross your path. Running in circles will not make this happen any sooner. Trust the process, you are on the right path.

Hope2014

Sorry you are going through those feelings. At least you still have a sense of humor- that polishing a turd line had me bust into a belly laugh. I haven't laughed in a while.