Meraviglioso

My latest slip came and went so fast I couldn't even believe it. This is a reminder to myself and others just how quickly it can happen. I was doing pretty well, onto another 5 days of no alcohol. I was at the park with my kids and my youngest one fell and busted his lip open. There was blood everywhere and super mom that I am (not that it!) I didn't have any tissues in my purse. So I loaded the kids into the car and drove to the nearest public place.... a cafe/bar just down the street.
I got my child cleaned up and then bought them popsicles and water.

and then ordered a glass of wine for me.

Unbelievable. I have stayed away from bars, parties, dinners, etc. Then I stop in to deal with the blood and just like that I'm back at square one.
I see now I should have just raced ahead and gotten home. But I also want to get to a place where yes, I avoid tempting situations, but I can also be somewhere where there is alcohol- due to an emergency or just because I am out and NOT slip so very easily.

I am around alcohol at other times, but I think the difference is I work on myself mentally before going in. Accepting that there will be alcohol, accepting that I am an alcoholic and can't drink it, coming up with a plan for avoiding drinking it, what I will say, do. This happened in the blink of an eye possibly because I had not prepared myself prior.

We must ALWAYS be on guard. Here's a nice Italian expression for you: "che palle" Which translates to "what balls" and is used as a term of annoyance or exasperation. CHE PALLE!!!!!!!!!

Dee74

You definitely need to be on guard in early recovery.

You'll find the more good healthy choices you make tho, the easier it becomes and the more it will become the default

I hope your son is ok

D

Meraviglioso

You've got that right Dee! From a distance I can see it all so clearly, but there in the moment it was incredible how powerful the AV was. I just ordered, and then even had a moment of pause thinking "wait, I shouldn't be doing this" and then the AV blindsided me again and I went straight ahead with drinking the glass. I then later got a bottle and drank the entire thing.

Back at it, back at it. I wish to keep from falling, but I do know this, I am tired of this alcohol soaked life and no matter how many times I fall I will keep getting back up and fighting. This disease, this nasty AV are in for it this time. I refuse to back down again. They might win small battles, but I am in this fight for the long haul and WILL be the final victor.


Oh and yes, my son is just fine, thank you! There was a lot of blood and a lot of tears but little actual damage thankfully. Poor guy!

doggonecarl

It happens fast, but wine doesn't appear out of thin air into one's hand. There is the decision to drink, the ordering, the paying for it. Several halt points before alcohol reaches our lips.

Have you 100% taken drinking off the table? Or are you giving yourself a margin of error that results in a relapse?

Don't make relapsing a part of recovery, because when we make the slip an inevitable event, we inevitability drink.

IOAA2

Hi. This is why this disease is called powerful, baffling and cunning.
Our defense takes time to get stronger when we work on them. Remember our natural reaction to so many things is to drink, even if we don’t want to.
In AA people used to refer to BUD as building up to drink. It can be from many reasons like an anxiety period, job situations, family situations, financial situations and on and on. This building up of tensions often start a period of time before picking up the drink and are noticed by those we go to meetings with. Constant vigilance is so helpful.

BE WELL

MIRecovery

You got to be on guard no matter how much sobriety you have. Alcoholism is incredibility patient

FreeOwl

something you mentioned struck me;

"Unbelievable. I have stayed away from bars, parties, dinners, etc. Then I stop in to deal with the blood and just like that I'm back at square one. "

For me, this is a tricky one. Just "steering clear" on the one hand seems to help, but on the other hand means that what I'm doing is avoiding, versus re-wiring myself.

See, in this world - invariably we will be around alcohol. If you're an adult and you live in an anything but an abstinent society, you will have to deal with being in proximity to alcohol.

What I have found helpful is continuing to put myself in adult situations where people are drinking - with a plan and an awareness - to 'practice' the new habit of being sober even when others are not.

This is tricky because often it means I have to confront difficult feelings and sometimes even just make a choice to leave early, or wind up having to process a lot of emotion after the fact. But what it does - for me - is help me build up a new response to those surroundings. At first it was really hard. For example, I travel for work with fair regularity. That's not something I can really avoid. At first, just being in an airport or even boarding a plane were huge triggers - because I'd spent so many years passing the time in airports or on airplanes by drinking. But as I continued to head into those situations and even go to eat at an airport bar, I began to gradually 're-wire' and my response is no longer a powerful compulsion to drink. It's still there sometimes, but more of a nagging little thought process that I have to work through as opposed to an almost unconscious action like it used to be.

jdooner

Actually, I disagree that it just happened. It was in the making before your son slipped. reread your posts. Your son was just the excuse to drink.

I never saw or sensed that you were serious about quitting. You seemed ambivalent about recovery and so your results were similar.

Meraviglioso

I appreciate this post and am genuinely curious as to where you saw ambivalence or insincerity in my posts. If I think deeply and honestly I feel very serious and not the least bit ambivalent about quitting. Am I always happy that I must quit? No. Do I sometimes feel angry that I can't drink like a normal person? Yes. But I know I can't and so I do genuinely want to quit forever. It hasn't been easy. I've been through some tough things in my life but this is by far the most difficult thing I have ever dealt with. I like to go into anything I do with the objective of succeeding but this is one battle that I am finding that simply desiring a certain outcome is not providing me with the results I would like. But that is me, inside myself and I do think that others looking in can often see things about ourselves that we can't because we are too close in. So if you'd be so kind to elaborate I would welcome your observations because I think they can only help me, even if they are difficult to hear.

My son was not an "excuse" to drink. I did not choose to drink due to the stress of the situation. I am a mother, I easily and quickly evaluated that this was not a majorly serious incident and that a good rinse off and a popsicle would be the end of it. I choose to drink because I was in a bar, a familiar one, and the wine was there. It happened in an instant, yes, but I am fully aware that *I* made a conscious decision to order the wine and drink it. As carl (I believe it was, I can't scroll up through the posts as I type) pointed out, there were plenty of opportunities for me to stop and I didn't. I take full responsibility for my actions, even if I do believe that there is an AV within me that sends me in directions I don't like. In the end it is me who picks up the glass and drinks it. Is that ambivalence? Lack of seriousness? I guess, in a way it is. I tend to think of it as weakness, sickness and lack of willpower, which in my mind are different.

Meraviglioso

This is a great point and what I was trying to get at earlier, but you explained it much more eloquently. I had let my guard down so to speak, but I cannot always have full-on future knowledge of any and all places, situations or events where there will be alcohol. I need to rewire my brain instead of just depending on the pre-game pep talks.

FreeOwl

My reflection is that unconsciously, you went to a bar instead of home. Or a gas station. Or a library. Or anywhere but a bar.

Your son's situation was the 'opening' that a part of you had been waiting for.

My own experience has been that until I was fully ready not to let that part of myself steer my path, I kept struggling.

Meraviglioso

This is a good point, I hadn't thought of it like that. In my mind, at the time, and prior to you pointing this out, the bar is (it really, seriously is) the nearest stop from the park. That said, just a little further away is a pharmacy, which surely would have been the better choice to deal with a bloody injury.

So what am I doing wrong? Really, where is this ambivalence that others see? I am honestly asking and appreciate any of your observations because I DO want to stop this cycle.
I've been for my physical check-ups
I'm going to my family doctor for an honest conversation and attempt at getting more help
I'm planning on going to the AA meeting that I have been sternly warned by those close to me not to attend
I come on here and post
I wake up every morning and have a moment to think about the importance of staying sober and reflect on that
I avoid social situations or places with alcohol when I can
I make plans for social situations I can't avoid where there will be alcohol
I work myself through physical cravings

I still fail. What am I doing wrong?

dwtbd

For me I had to focus on the mind game. The ambivalence part I may see in your postings , and I just mean in an objective reading of the written words, is where you speak about the drinking of normal people. You stated you can at times be upset that you can not drink like normal people, perhaps your AV is picking up on that . Perhaps you have let it know that you mean you can not drink, with the qualification of " like normal people" not present. AV is tricky it can take that qualification and convince you to try and drink ,like normal people. Or is that what you want to still drink, but just in a different fashion, without the negative consequences? If so , that is the ambivalence.
Do you want to change the way you drink so it is like normal drinkers? Or do you want the AV to understand that unlike "normal" people, you can not drink(period)?

jdooner

I am not sure there is a right or wrong. There are a couple approaches. There are some that make a Big Plan or something similar and make a decision to never drink again no matter what.

There are some that need to quit daily and simply add up the days.

I used a hybrid approach. I need a support system that I developed over time. Early on though, I knew I would not drink no matter what. I then found support through AA.

Your posts suggest alcohol is the enemy and you will avoid places that serve alcohol and take Antabuse so you can drink. How about accepting vs fighting with willpower?

I believe you want to want to quit. My post and use of ambivalence was referring to posting about thinking but not taking action. For some of us SR is enough. for some of us we need face to face plus SR. All depends on how you are affected by this disorder.

To me your words still romance the idea of drinking. I have not seen acceptance that you understand the reality of drinking. This is common with many in the early stages...does not excuse it but your not e only one.

Sorry if my response came across as insensitive.

Elodie

Yesterday, I was talking with a couple friends. One friend is fasting right now in order to lose weight. We ended up at a cafe to get tea and she ended up ordering food. She was disappointed with herself. My other friend brought up a good point. Because this person is saying things like "I can't eat" she is putting herself in the mentality of feeling deprived, which makes the concept of eating much more appealing to her. She is tempted more easily and gives in.

The words we use, especially the words we tell ourselves, are really powerful. Maybe try to shift your mindset from "I can't drink" (with the accompanying feeling of deprivation/maybe feeling a little self-pity) to "I won't drink" or "I choose not to drink'" which would be more conducive to feelings of self-empowerment. It's a little switch, but it could make a big difference.

And I mean, it's true. You CAN drink. Alcohol is everywhere. Should you drink? No. Will you drink? I hope not. But can you drink? Yes. So think of it as a choice you are making, the right choice for you and consequently your sons, loved ones, etc, and maybe that will help you say no.

Meraviglioso

I see. No, I definitely do not want to drink anymore, ever. I should rephrase that, I know I CAN'T drink anymore, ever. But am I happy about that all the time? No. I cannot lie, I do feel very angry about that sometimes. I do. I have loved wine for so long, despite all the bad things it has done to me and caused me to do. I am fully aware that is not a healthy love. I am also fully aware that "loving" alcohol is a bad idea in and of itself. But that is the truth as I live it. I did (do?) love wine. I love cooking, I love planning menus and shopping for the perfect wine to go with my dishes. I love the first, glorious sips as I taste the food I have made or out in a restaurant. I'm not much of a beer drinker, but I love a cold beer at sunset on the beach. I love a cold beer after mowing my grass. I love (very, very rarely) a scotch or bourbon after a meal. It is all downhill from there though. I don't love what happens next. Because I am an alcoholic I must give up this love, I must change the way I think, I must find new ways of appreciating things without the alcohol. I know this. I know this in my heart and in my mind. But that doesn't make it easy. Is this so crazy? Can no one relate to this sense of mourning? yes, mourning.
I am not ambivalent about my decision or what I need to do. I know full well what I need to do. But knowing it and doing it are two different things.
Just know I'm trying folks, I'm not here on SR every day to much about for the fun of it. I do want this. As I said above, I will keep trying despite my failures and despite my sadness, anger, ambivalence, weakness and whatever else that gets in the way. It is so, so frustrating.

Venecia

Mera, I don't think you're insincere. I think you're doing a lot of things right.

Perhaps it would help to think of your life -- at this early point in recovery -- as being governed by something akin to the color codes the U.S. government devised after 9/11. You have to be on "red" early in recovery. You've learned a lesson, the painful way, and now you need to move forward with your guard up high. One of the things I've learned from SR is that sometimes -- not always -- people view incidents like this as a fait accompli. Don't let that happen to you.

I'll respectfully part company from some of my fellow SR'ers. I'm not going to say you're ambivalent about wanting to get sober because *only* you can affirm or refute that. It's not for us to say.

What I will say is that, based on my own experience, our brains become hard-wired to our habits associated with drinking as well as alcohol itself. I have occasionally mentioned that there was a time in my life that I could have driven to a liquor store with a blindfold on. (Ugh.)

Combining that awareness of my habituated practices with a very high state of alert helped me immensely during the early days. That and doing everything to avoid situations where there's alcohol. I've read many observations on SR that the urge lurks for a few days after that exposure.

But you *can* do this. That's the awareness that has to surpass everything else.

Hang in there, OK?

Meraviglioso

No apology needed, I really do appreciate you posting so honestly. Sometimes we worry about hurting others feelings and that prevents us from saying things they need to hear. You are absolutely right, I do romance the idea of drinking. I know that is not good but I don't know what to do about that. I recall the wonderful book by Caroline Knapp and feel the same way about drinking, it feels like a love story and I am no dealing with the breakup. it is nasty and messy, the worst break up I've ever had but undoubtedly the most important. Just as with a toxic lover, it is sick and unhealthy the way I am going about this but I don't know HOW to deal with these mixed emotions. I know, without a doubt, I am better off without alcohol, why do I feel so sad and angry about letting it go then?

Meraviglioso

This is great, thank you for this. I am a real believer in the power of positive thinking. This will be a good route for me. I need to take some time today to seriously re-direct my mindset down this path instead of feeling so deprived and angry. Thank you again.

Venecia

Ah, our posts crossed.

I had similar sentiments about wine and beer.

Here's a thought. You've shared all the attributes you *love* about alcohol.

I had my own list, one I replaced with all the things I *hated* about alcohol and what it had done to me. It was a long list. It also helped tremendously.