Stung

I just realized that people can still leave me voicemails even though I blocked their phone numbers and I can access them. (Long story short, I unblocked my NPD mom who just called and left me a voicemail. Then I was wondering if she could tell that I unblocked her, googled it and saw that they can still leave voicemails when you have them blocked!)

I looked in my blocked voicemail folder and FIL left me a voicemail on Sunday asking where AH is because they're so worried about him because they can't get ahold of him (he checked himself into rehab last Friday afternoon, so it was only 2 freaking days). I cannot respond and I am so angry at myself for listening to it because my hands are shaking. AH's FOO is such a freaking trigger for me and I'm proud of AH for not telling those buttholes where he is and what he's doing. He's a 33 year old man, he does not need to check in with his mommy every day.

The drama bells are ringing in my head big time and my heart is pounding.

I hate those MFers for calling me asking where AH is like they need a minute to minute breakdown on him and they have completely and entirely ignored my children for a year. F them!!! And F them for acting like they own AH.

And then I listened to the one from my mom and I actually feel bad for her. But she's totally making me out to be the bad guy because I cannot deal with her crap right now. "You can call or text me if you want to talk to me and if I don't hear from you I guess that'll answer my question." What question?! There was no question asked!! ARGH!!!!!!

Goosfraba.

I need to go simmer down and keep these dummies blocked and keep the "blocked messages" folder closed.

I am going to have to work really, really hard on forgiving people who have hurt me. I'm still really angry and really hurt and I know that those feelings only impact me. I should not have looked in the blocked folder. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Thank you for letting me vent.

AnvilheadII

just offering support.

FireSprite

((((((hugs)))))) Vent away!!

Katiekate

Ouch! I did it, a few times and it was all on me. But it's good to clear that anger out again, get it out of the corners. lol

readerbaby71

I think there's a setting where you can have your phone automatically hang up on blocked callers, no voicemail. Sorry you had to hear that sh!t.

LightInside

Just chiming in. I have these friends who like to update me on who my X is hanging out with. Ugh. I wish they would shut up! Raar! Okay. Vent over.

All the best to you, Stung.

SeriousKarma

Yeah!

Stung

To accept the things I cannot change = AH, AH's FOO, and his relationship with his FOO, and my mom's inability to be a caring, loving, empathetic mother that I so badly want her to be.

To change the things that I can = my relationship with AH's FOO, my reaction to them, my reaction to my own mother and my willingness to accept her as she is.

And the brains to know the difference and not willingly welcome drama into my life. Because that is like saying "hmmm...I'd like a double order of drama" by willingly listening to BS from my FOO and AH's FOO."

NWGRITS

My AM just got a new phone number. I'm waiting for the first call so I can block it.

(((Hugs)))

SeriousKarma

Doing exactly this is a great way to move yourself forward Stung. I know using that prayer, breaking it apart like that, has worked for me. Sometimes I meditate on just one section of it. (Saying it like a mantra, rocking back and forth, banging my head against the wall. ) Sometimes I'll say the whole prayer.

Your post also reminds me that I often have to keep a watchful eye on my expectations of others. I expected my STBXAH to be a good husband and father. He fell short of the mark. I then (I'll admit it) started expecting him to be a f*ck-up. So I tend to look for that to prove to myself that I'm right. God knows I like being right.

For me it becomes an internal struggle: Do I want him to be a better person, or do I want to prove, once again, my awesome soothsaying capabilities ("I knew he was going to do that").

Somehow, the concepts of the Serenity Prayer, and the conundrum of expectations all tie together. I'm trying to unravel the strings on my own road to forgiveness. I'm beginning to realize that, although it was ok for me to stop expecting him to be a good husband/father, I now must stop expecting him to be a screw up if I'm going to release this and move forward.

I'm trying to find the courage to change my expectations. It's harder than it seems. Hopes this helps a little bit.

jarp

Just offering support. It sounds like your head knows what to do...having emotion around this is ok too!