Findingtheway

So yeesh...On day two...Some new awful experiences lead me back to this point...Though i guess they aren't REALLY new...Since they've ALL happened before! (Insomnia..Getting sent home from work..Parents crying and freaking out..Little sister won't talk to me...Girlfriend of 6 years might be through with me.)

My employer might be through with me...I can see it happening...

I'm using AA meetings...I'm using SR...But there is an overpowering part of my mind that WANTS me to drink!

I've had almost 2 months of sober time...So i KNOW Physically stopping won't kill me...I've gone through treatment centres TWICE now.

Have i had enough? I can say YES and mean it...But am DEATHLY afraid i'll be drunk again with a week.

Feeling SCARED and HOPELESS this morning. But i'm at work. And i'm NOT Drinking and 3 PM this afternoon will make 48 hours of sobriety.

I'm going to an AA meeting at Noon. Need these 3 hours to go by. Pretty freaked out to look at my boss again...He's had my back before...But can tell his patience is running out.

An additional step i took...I made my parents take away my Debit and Credit Cards! (Bleh...Felt like a kid this morning...I got $7.00 for the day!)

Seems extreme...But i'm running out of ideas to try. Patience is wearing thin on all levels. What kind of life is this?

Thanks for reading...Thanks for letting me post. Feels a bit better i suppose.

Have others had so many failures before getting it right?? I don't want to give up or i'll be truly lost...(Freaks me out because my AV wants it to happen!)

Soberwolf

Hey well done on the 48 h that's incredible your boss will be fine as long as your sober and trying and it sure sounds like you are you said your going mtn your taking precautions with your finances

Your doing brilliant we have all had them moments its what were made of that pulls us thru and understanding that its not the way

Keep on keeping on all the best keep posting and we can speak soon

gorc

hold on to your meeting. talking to others who know what your going through will help

Keep up the posts? It will help

Altoids

Good for you!!! There is a lot to do on SR that will fill the time between now and the meeting. You can do this!!!

Altoids

Just wanted you to know that I did this, too. I gave my hubby my cards, and had him buy me a Starbucks card (they didnt serve alcohol then) So I could meet friends at Starbucks when I wanted to go out for a bite. It did help a lot. It does seem severe to put oneself in that submissive place money-wise, but I didn't trust myself at all and needed that additional barrier for a while. Good for you for protecting yourself.

Mountainmanbob

we can almost be assured that

it is a better life than a life drinking

let us not fool ourselves (yet again)

Mountainman

huntingtontx

You can do this. Your mind set is so important. Don't look at past failures. Look ahead to a good life, where you are loved and trusted. When it gets hard think of all you have to gain. Getting drunk is not fun, and I hate how our mind tells us it is. Drinking is not a reward, it is a punishment. It punishes the body, mind and soul. You are worth so much more then a drink. We are all here for you.

bossybutt

I've failed many times and am in the middle of another fail again (It's Labor Day weekend...I'll "just" drink till Monday then back to my water") You are doing great and taking great precautions to keep you from being able to purchase alcohol. Best of luck to you and I hope to be riding the tail end of the wagon here again in the next few days!

Jupiters

I think it took courage for you to hand over the plastic to mom and dad. Don't look at that in a negative manner, that was a GREAT step. That's brutal honesty with yourself right there

Soberwolf

See you on Monday good luck but if you know you to stop Monday why not stop now why risk it labour day weekend or not ? Anyways good luck

Hobbers

Exactly. If you're going to stop on Monday, why not just save yourself the trouble, and STOP TODAY?

Hobbers

And Sober- We call it Labor Day here... not labour, lol!

biminiblue

Findingtheway,

You can do it. We all had to battle the same urges and little (and big) voices in our heads telling us to pick up. All I had to do is not pick up that first one and realize my thoughts are only thoughts. I created a habit of thinking about drinking 24/7 and I had to break that thought-habit. For compulsive people that is a tall order, but it has been done by many thousands, so you can do it too.

I went to a meeting a day in my first 100 days. It helped a lot.

Jupiters

not if you're from Canada.

Findingtheway

So here's the update for today. I didn't wait to be called to see my boss. Took the preemptive approach and went to him.

He and the director of the department (his boss) so technically my 2 bosses were quite frank and honest. Disappointed and scared by my behaviour and warned me that if it continues well it wouldn't be nice for any of us.

I've worked for them for 10 years..I've done kick ass work when sober. I have reviews to prove it. I know essentially this was a no turning back point as far as my continued employment goes.

The thing is...THEY still care and believe in me. I sure didn't this week...drinking in this case made for a week from HELL literally..no joke.

I'm an alcoholic...no way around that...threw the rest of my booze away and joined a home group today. Committed to 90 meetings in the next 90 days.

Made my folks promise to hold my debit and credit cards until that is done.

Going to talk to my gf later tonight...day by day for us now. May not last but I can't change that now..

Physically feeling good now. Mentally scattered...Emotionally drained.

Roughly 54 hours sober...not quite the 54 days I had previous but it's a start back in the RIGHT direction.

Don't drink please...anyone reading this...it'll lead you back to crazy town...I BARELY made it back this time.

findingtheway

Soberwolf

You my friend are amazing do you know that ? Amazing

Dee74

Keep going with your progress findingmyway - you have a great attitude

D

Dee74

There is another choice tho, bossybutt. it's not an easy choice - especially when your addiction is already salivating, but you still *could* give it all you have and have a sober weekend.

My last 'last hurrah' was meant to be one night and lasted two years.

Don't underestimate this thing.

D

Rence

I know how you feel - I felt that way 3 months ago today ! I was sick and tired of failing over and over again. I felt weak and useless and didn't think I would ever be able to beat this thing. My last drink was 3 months ago today. I was pissed at myself for being beaten by this. I think is was all the anger and frustration that finally fueled me to fight. I took the advice I never wanted to take - 90 meetings in 90 days. I did at least 90.

I have had periods of sobriety before - 7 months, 4 1/2 months, 2 months, a month here and there - but this feels different. I feel more confident and at peace, but not complacent. I was really bad. You can do this too ! Get mad and try the 90 meetings in 90 days.

Mountainmanbob

you have a lot still going for you
as you have heard, some lose most all before sobering up
glad that you are taking this seriously
many of my drinking buddies at work with 10 to 20 years on the job
did not respect the warnings from our boss as they came
only to be unemployed before long

MM