Well more was revealed...heart broken
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Well more was revealed...heart broken
AH and I had been attending counselling together, he'd been attempting abstinence, taking meds, attending his appointments for counselling etc. the goal had been to live separately whilst he's in early recovery, try to reconnect, with the eventual aim that if we hit our goals he'd return.
Last night he tells me that he knows he can't beat his addiction, the most he can promise me is that he'll try to remain functional. That this process is dragging out the inevitable. He's kept his high paying job and is feeling good about that, and that means he can financially contribute, and that's what's important.
He says he's an alcoholic, and he is one because he likes it. In fact he LOVES to drink. He doesn't like some of the things that go with it but the feeling he gets from wine beats the feelings he has for everything else...the kids and I included. He said it literally IS his best friend and he can't give it up. Isn't prepared to give up the lifestyle he'd need to (exclusive men's clubs, high powered expensive wine lunches, drinks wi the boys).
That he knows that even if he can maintain sobriety for 6 months he'd never been able to keep to the boundaries (or commandment book as he calls it) around his return....that he'd break a 'commandment' in the first week.
That he doesn't want to hurt me anymore, that he's not that person and its not the person he wants to be in the future. That he is a good man, and everyone except I knows this.
He doesn't want to be known as our sons father anymore....he wants to be called 'a family friend'. WTF?????????? Does he think our almost 6 year old will forget he is his father?????????? Our little boy who begged me yesterday to let daddy come home.
In my head I know this is for the best...but my heart is breaking.
Last night he tells me that he knows he can't beat his addiction, the most he can promise me is that he'll try to remain functional. That this process is dragging out the inevitable. He's kept his high paying job and is feeling good about that, and that means he can financially contribute, and that's what's important.
He says he's an alcoholic, and he is one because he likes it. In fact he LOVES to drink. He doesn't like some of the things that go with it but the feeling he gets from wine beats the feelings he has for everything else...the kids and I included. He said it literally IS his best friend and he can't give it up. Isn't prepared to give up the lifestyle he'd need to (exclusive men's clubs, high powered expensive wine lunches, drinks wi the boys).
That he knows that even if he can maintain sobriety for 6 months he'd never been able to keep to the boundaries (or commandment book as he calls it) around his return....that he'd break a 'commandment' in the first week.
That he doesn't want to hurt me anymore, that he's not that person and its not the person he wants to be in the future. That he is a good man, and everyone except I knows this.
He doesn't want to be known as our sons father anymore....he wants to be called 'a family friend'. WTF?????????? Does he think our almost 6 year old will forget he is his father?????????? Our little boy who begged me yesterday to let daddy come home.
In my head I know this is for the best...but my heart is breaking.
. How painful for you. My heart is heavy reading your post. 
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jarp....my heart goes out to you, right now...because I can understand how hard these words hit you. Regardless of your head....this kind of stuff is always received at an emotional level.
I am so glad that you can come here to share your heart's burdens.
Still.....you would do well to remember that much of what he utters, right now are still from a brain that has been impacted from the alcohol...and from the distorted emotions and logic that goes along with this condition.
Who knows what he will say tomorrow...or next week....or in 6 months. It takes months to a couple of years for an alcoholic who has spiraled down to have a "clear" mind and begin to regulate their own emotions.
He might look sober...and not be intoxicated, but he is still under the effects of the alcoholism.
I hope you can stay in the present and take things one day at a time...
Your own health is soo important in the coming weeks and months....
dandylion
I am so glad that you can come here to share your heart's burdens.
Still.....you would do well to remember that much of what he utters, right now are still from a brain that has been impacted from the alcohol...and from the distorted emotions and logic that goes along with this condition.
Who knows what he will say tomorrow...or next week....or in 6 months. It takes months to a couple of years for an alcoholic who has spiraled down to have a "clear" mind and begin to regulate their own emotions.
He might look sober...and not be intoxicated, but he is still under the effects of the alcoholism.
I hope you can stay in the present and take things one day at a time...
Your own health is soo important in the coming weeks and months....
dandylion
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I am so sorry to hear this. But my first thought is he's trying to manipulate you & get you to back off from the boundaries you have set. He might be testing you to see if it will work. My A has tried this too many times to count. Hugs
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Thanks everyone, and thanks Dandylion....I do know that but then I am not sure if that will just leave me hanging on to false hope.
He says he wants to be kown as a family friends because he can't fulfil the function of 'father' other than paying for things whilst he still has a job.
That in doing this it leaves the path open for me to meet someone else who could be our son's 'Dad' on a day to day basis. How truly screwed up is that???? How can he think that anyone can replace him, that it is that easy to abdigate the emotional and psychological responsibility he has towards his son, and that he is a good man if he al teast pays for him.
Ive told the kids Daddy is away bc he is unwell, Ive explained the basics of addiction and said Daddy needs to get better from this before he comes home. And I was able to say that Daddy was trying, and they could see he looked a bit better. How do you explain that Daddy now doesnt WANT to get better...how do I stop our son coming to the conclusion that Daddy loved wine more than him... I'm an adult and that's how I feel....how will our 5 year old feel? I just so want to protect him from this pain....particularly because my daughters have an awesome father who adores them and is super active in their life. He's offered to be there for my son....but its not the same.
Im heartbroken for me and him.
I know day by day and he might be saying somethign different next week....but I cant see it happening....I actually think AH is speaking the truth and I just dont want to hear it....
He also started speaking about how we split financially and asked me to send him all our financial info. He's never done that before.
He says he wants to be kown as a family friends because he can't fulfil the function of 'father' other than paying for things whilst he still has a job.
That in doing this it leaves the path open for me to meet someone else who could be our son's 'Dad' on a day to day basis. How truly screwed up is that???? How can he think that anyone can replace him, that it is that easy to abdigate the emotional and psychological responsibility he has towards his son, and that he is a good man if he al teast pays for him.
Ive told the kids Daddy is away bc he is unwell, Ive explained the basics of addiction and said Daddy needs to get better from this before he comes home. And I was able to say that Daddy was trying, and they could see he looked a bit better. How do you explain that Daddy now doesnt WANT to get better...how do I stop our son coming to the conclusion that Daddy loved wine more than him... I'm an adult and that's how I feel....how will our 5 year old feel? I just so want to protect him from this pain....particularly because my daughters have an awesome father who adores them and is super active in their life. He's offered to be there for my son....but its not the same.
Im heartbroken for me and him.
I know day by day and he might be saying somethign different next week....but I cant see it happening....I actually think AH is speaking the truth and I just dont want to hear it....
He also started speaking about how we split financially and asked me to send him all our financial info. He's never done that before.
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Originally Posted by laurensofn 
I am so sorry to hear this. But my first thought is he's trying to manipulate you & get you to back off from the boundaries you have set. He might be testing you to see if it will work. My A has tried this too many times to count. Hugs
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And once you back off just a little bit, he will continue to not respect any of boundaries. Trust me, I learned the hard way too many times to count. Unfortunately I decided too many times I would rather have him here & drunk than to be alone. It just allowed him to completely spiral out of control & taught him that I didn't mean anything I said.
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The King Baby at work in the center of the universe...
<red flag> Why does he need you to send financial info.. I would suggest seeing a lawyer at this point
a very sad situation jarp, I'm sorry too... at least you're not living with the crazy.
<red flag> Why does he need you to send financial info.. I would suggest seeing a lawyer at this point
a very sad situation jarp, I'm sorry too... at least you're not living with the crazy.
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Hugs-can only imagine the heartbreak in hearing this.
Think you should definitely maintain your boundaries. As a point of empathy, for when you are trying to help yourself and son not take his addiction and inability to find recovery personally, addiction is a brutal disease with an insanely strong grip on those in its midst. And most addicts/alcoholics are filled with shame. Shame at their actions, shame at their inability to gain control over the addiction, and more. To "free you up" to find a nice guy and a new father for your kiddo might be manipulation, but might also be big time time shame speaking, or maybe both. Many alcoholics hate themselves so much they can't imagine how their family members could truly love them and in their twisted way of thinking, if they love the family member back, and want what is best for them, they feel like the family members would be better off without the dysfunctional alcoholic. Kind of like when a depressed person takes their life-they see it as a way of freeing themselves of the darkness and freeing their friends and family from the burden of them, without realizing that it doesn't FEEL like they are freeing us at all, it FEELS like they are rejecting us and our love for them. People with mental health issues (addiction/alcoholism included) act in ways that make sense to them in their pickled brains, but often don't make rationale sense to anyone else, unfortunately. This doesn't change the sad fact that for whatever reason he does not have the strength or desire to fight this beast of addiction, but hopefully you can someday find a way to frame his addiction in a way that doesn't feel like a personal rejection of you or your son.
For his sake, I hope someday he does hit his "bottom" and seeks a way to turn things around. For your sake, I hope you stay the course with not being willing to live with an alcoholic who is not in recovery. Of course your children will not forget who their father is. Hazel den publishes a book called My daddy loves me, my daddy has a disease, or something like that-some reviewers indicate it was good for kids with parents still using who left the family.
http://www.amazon.com/Dad-Loves-Dise...owViewpoints=1
Please take care of yourself so you can take car of those kiddos!
Think you should definitely maintain your boundaries. As a point of empathy, for when you are trying to help yourself and son not take his addiction and inability to find recovery personally, addiction is a brutal disease with an insanely strong grip on those in its midst. And most addicts/alcoholics are filled with shame. Shame at their actions, shame at their inability to gain control over the addiction, and more. To "free you up" to find a nice guy and a new father for your kiddo might be manipulation, but might also be big time time shame speaking, or maybe both. Many alcoholics hate themselves so much they can't imagine how their family members could truly love them and in their twisted way of thinking, if they love the family member back, and want what is best for them, they feel like the family members would be better off without the dysfunctional alcoholic. Kind of like when a depressed person takes their life-they see it as a way of freeing themselves of the darkness and freeing their friends and family from the burden of them, without realizing that it doesn't FEEL like they are freeing us at all, it FEELS like they are rejecting us and our love for them. People with mental health issues (addiction/alcoholism included) act in ways that make sense to them in their pickled brains, but often don't make rationale sense to anyone else, unfortunately. This doesn't change the sad fact that for whatever reason he does not have the strength or desire to fight this beast of addiction, but hopefully you can someday find a way to frame his addiction in a way that doesn't feel like a personal rejection of you or your son.
For his sake, I hope someday he does hit his "bottom" and seeks a way to turn things around. For your sake, I hope you stay the course with not being willing to live with an alcoholic who is not in recovery. Of course your children will not forget who their father is. Hazel den publishes a book called My daddy loves me, my daddy has a disease, or something like that-some reviewers indicate it was good for kids with parents still using who left the family.
http://www.amazon.com/Dad-Loves-Dise...owViewpoints=1
Please take care of yourself so you can take car of those kiddos!
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What a jackass ... wah, wah, wah, me, me, me. Sure, he's being honest, but at a terrible cost to you and especially your son. Not to mention that he seems to think because he's financially okay and "functional" now (and this is the guy who was being admitted to hospital for self harm only a few weeks ago?), he will be forever. I call manipulation - another effort to make you toe the line and back down from your "unreasonable" demands (ie. that he pull up his socks and act like a grown up)
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Thanks you everyone and thank you LvWrAM123 everything you say makes perfect sense to me. I think its both manipulation and shame. On what you wrote about shame, my AH has said a lot of what you say too, and I know he feels deep, deep shame, most espeically at realising what a strong grip it has on him and not being able to change that.
I'll check out that book....thank you. Part of me cant believe I am having to...
I'll check out that book....thank you. Part of me cant believe I am having to...
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Originally Posted by Missus
What a jackass ... wah, wah, wah, me, me, me. Sure, he's being honest, but at a terrible cost to you and especially your son. Not to mention that he seems to think because he's financially okay and "functional" now (and this is the guy who was being admitted to hospital for self harm only a few weeks ago?), he will be forever. I call manipulation - another effort to make you toe the line and back down from your "unreasonable" demands (ie. that he pull up his socks and act like a grown up)
He's become 'functional' (in terms of speaking with some coherent ability and is back at work in his exec level role) in an incredibly fast amount of time. almost 3 weeks ago he was in hospital after OD'ing on Imrest. He took a fatally toxic amount...but somehow it barely scratched the surface of him!! Its like he has a super liver. Drinking 20 years....liver enzymes completely in normal range.
His workplace have been amazingly generous and incredibly understanding. Hes only been there 4 months, has worked maybe 6 weeks, has been paid his high salary that whole time, and the Directors to whom he reports have said to him "mate, we've been though 'it' ourselves, you are awesome, we need you in our business, all will be oK". AMAZING.
'It' btw is mental health issues...not alcoholism, theyve both had MH issues in the past.
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Jarp, I'm so sorry.
The hardest bridge to cross is the one where the realisation comes that brain damage is setting in with the alcoholic.
This it the point where it's time to separate yourself from the crazy talk, or it will send you insane also.
I find it hard to believe he will keep his job. Doing business with an out of control alcoholic who continually has time off work, eventually becomes untenable. In some industries it may take some time, but it will happen. He'd do well to stop drinking to keep his job, he doesn't need to drink to do business. That is a crock of bs.
The hardest bridge to cross is the one where the realisation comes that brain damage is setting in with the alcoholic.
This it the point where it's time to separate yourself from the crazy talk, or it will send you insane also.
I find it hard to believe he will keep his job. Doing business with an out of control alcoholic who continually has time off work, eventually becomes untenable. In some industries it may take some time, but it will happen. He'd do well to stop drinking to keep his job, he doesn't need to drink to do business. That is a crock of bs.
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