Chaos and Grey Matter
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 261
Chaos and Grey Matter
I am venting about the chaos I have observed since I have removed myself from the hurricane of my husband’s addiction. It is like a fog has been lifted from my vision and I can see things clearly since I have not been responding to him. Ordinarily, when my husband is in the throes of an active addiction, I am quick to compensate for his lack of responsibility and cushion the wounds he inflicts upon himself with his out of control spending, highs and lows. I dismiss his disrespect and lack of regard for my feelings and give him permission to treat me any way he wants because I think “he can’t help it – it’s the drugs talking – he has a chemical imbalance” but I’m not doing that anymore and JESUS it has made me aware of just how much chaos he generates all by himself.
I have not initiated conversation with him, gotten in his face and yelled at him, I have not uttered a word to him unless I am directly spoken to or asked a question. He has yelled at me, slammed doors, wished bad things on me, told me his money is none of my business, and been absolutely volatile to me. I don’t respond with anything except, “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “OK.” He has threatened to move out. I say, “OK.” He accuses me of not caring because I am not groveling for him to stay. I am accused of not caring about him. This is not so. I have been told, from my husband, his money is his to do what he wants with it and if he says he wants to move out, it’s not my place to ask him to stay. He is free to do as he wishes. Bottom line. He yells at me and tells me to get out of his face if I attempt to have a rational conversation with him and I point out the way he continues to contradict himself.
I tried to entertain him when I was driving in from work yesterday and asked him where he was at. He responded with “I don’t know. Why do you care?” I could tell from the tone of his voice that he was high as a kite and his brain is fried. I turned off my phone and went to bed. When I woke up, the text messages go from sweet and apologetic to profanity and accusations within an hour. He asked if he could come home. I had never asked him to leave. He said he was going to work tomorrow. He told me the day before he was not working until my brother was out of our home. He accused me of not caring about him. I have always, quite frankly, kissed his ass. As I am waking up to start the work day and reading these messages, I am thinking, “he has literally just generated a whole argument by himself, without so much as one response from me.”
I don’t know if the drugs have done so much damage to his brain that he is without the ability to reason. Can crack do that? I feel like that is a stupid question because I associate the drug with the eggs frying in the pan commercial – this is your brain on drugs. Has anyone experienced/witnessed the deterioration of the mental stability of an addict?
I have not initiated conversation with him, gotten in his face and yelled at him, I have not uttered a word to him unless I am directly spoken to or asked a question. He has yelled at me, slammed doors, wished bad things on me, told me his money is none of my business, and been absolutely volatile to me. I don’t respond with anything except, “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “OK.” He has threatened to move out. I say, “OK.” He accuses me of not caring because I am not groveling for him to stay. I am accused of not caring about him. This is not so. I have been told, from my husband, his money is his to do what he wants with it and if he says he wants to move out, it’s not my place to ask him to stay. He is free to do as he wishes. Bottom line. He yells at me and tells me to get out of his face if I attempt to have a rational conversation with him and I point out the way he continues to contradict himself.
I tried to entertain him when I was driving in from work yesterday and asked him where he was at. He responded with “I don’t know. Why do you care?” I could tell from the tone of his voice that he was high as a kite and his brain is fried. I turned off my phone and went to bed. When I woke up, the text messages go from sweet and apologetic to profanity and accusations within an hour. He asked if he could come home. I had never asked him to leave. He said he was going to work tomorrow. He told me the day before he was not working until my brother was out of our home. He accused me of not caring about him. I have always, quite frankly, kissed his ass. As I am waking up to start the work day and reading these messages, I am thinking, “he has literally just generated a whole argument by himself, without so much as one response from me.”
I don’t know if the drugs have done so much damage to his brain that he is without the ability to reason. Can crack do that? I feel like that is a stupid question because I associate the drug with the eggs frying in the pan commercial – this is your brain on drugs. Has anyone experienced/witnessed the deterioration of the mental stability of an addict?
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
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I don't know anything about the long term effects of crack. But, yes, the cognitive dissonance of an addict is something to behold. Even if the addict has abstained from using but isn't working on themselves, the cognitive dissonance can be stunning.
What I think you're starting to learn is you've done him, and yourself, a disservice by kissing his six all this time. And now that you're not, he doesn't like it too much. He wants to be enabled. He wants to do whatever he wants, but doesn't want to suffer any consequences. And that's not what life is all about for any of us.
So, if he wants to act up and act out, let him. Just stay out of his way when he does.
What I think you're starting to learn is you've done him, and yourself, a disservice by kissing his six all this time. And now that you're not, he doesn't like it too much. He wants to be enabled. He wants to do whatever he wants, but doesn't want to suffer any consequences. And that's not what life is all about for any of us.
So, if he wants to act up and act out, let him. Just stay out of his way when he does.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
This reminds me so much of my son in his "crack" days (he later graduated to meth and other needle drugs).
Even when I was home and ignoring him when he carried on...going from out of control rage to apology to rage again, and I'd just walk to another room or leave and walk a while and come back and he'd still be carrying on...I remember telling him "You are the only person I know that can do full battle with yourself."
You know what was really strange? He never did this when my husband was home. Maybe to convince my husband that I was making it up (my husband knew me better than that). My husband never once raised a hand and almost never raised his voice, so I am not sure why it was that there was peace only when my husband was home. I think he knew that if he did carry on like that, my husband would kick him out that very moment without a blink. Not a codie bone in that dear man's body. I don't know how he lived through all this with me and my son.
Just something you reminded me of that I thought I'd share.
Hugs
Even when I was home and ignoring him when he carried on...going from out of control rage to apology to rage again, and I'd just walk to another room or leave and walk a while and come back and he'd still be carrying on...I remember telling him "You are the only person I know that can do full battle with yourself."
You know what was really strange? He never did this when my husband was home. Maybe to convince my husband that I was making it up (my husband knew me better than that). My husband never once raised a hand and almost never raised his voice, so I am not sure why it was that there was peace only when my husband was home. I think he knew that if he did carry on like that, my husband would kick him out that very moment without a blink. Not a codie bone in that dear man's body. I don't know how he lived through all this with me and my son.
Just something you reminded me of that I thought I'd share.
Hugs
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
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Absolutely!! Reading your post was like being back married to the addict. Yes! He could generate an argument all by himself! the trouble was, he made himself so angry at me that I felt like I was in danger.....
If you can get Clean and Sober, find the scene where Michael Keaton (the addict) and his drug counselor (Morgan Freeman). Michael should get an Oscar for his realistic portrayal of an addict who does not get his way (he wants to use the phone which is against the rules, and he is trying to get the counselor's permission).
An addict's emotions can go from nice to raging in 3 seconds. And that has nothing to do with whether they are under the influence at that moment. And it really has nothing to do with how the other person responds to them.
Keep coming back. People who have not lived this have no concept of how these interactions go. And it is crazy-making, that is for sure. So keep coming back in order to keep that precious sanity that you are gaining.
If you can get Clean and Sober, find the scene where Michael Keaton (the addict) and his drug counselor (Morgan Freeman). Michael should get an Oscar for his realistic portrayal of an addict who does not get his way (he wants to use the phone which is against the rules, and he is trying to get the counselor's permission).
An addict's emotions can go from nice to raging in 3 seconds. And that has nothing to do with whether they are under the influence at that moment. And it really has nothing to do with how the other person responds to them.
Keep coming back. People who have not lived this have no concept of how these interactions go. And it is crazy-making, that is for sure. So keep coming back in order to keep that precious sanity that you are gaining.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you are dealing with BAT SH!T CRAZY. yes crack does that. toss in paranoia, rage, depression, and above all the drooling slathering desire for MORE DOPE and you have insanity.
do yourself a favor and turn the sound down. do not even attempt to have a rational discussion. think instead about how to get away from him. his volatility is ramping up, his irrantionality is increasing, and you my dear are directly in the path of the storm. you are in fact in danger.
time to get serious. VERY SERIOUS.
do yourself a favor and turn the sound down. do not even attempt to have a rational discussion. think instead about how to get away from him. his volatility is ramping up, his irrantionality is increasing, and you my dear are directly in the path of the storm. you are in fact in danger.
time to get serious. VERY SERIOUS.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 261
Thank you all for responding! It is really helpful getting input from others. I have never been around anyone so irrational and it's really concerning to me. I HAVE distanced myself from him and continue to do so everyday - I leave the house when he is there and only stick around when he's not. It's EXHAUSTING. The fact that he's not working right now really makes it difficult but I stay away. I have decided I will do the best I can to get my things out of there and just leave what I can't take.
I still have yet to tell his parents which doesn't really sit well with me BUT I KNOW that his folks wouldn't be able to do anything for him and I KNOW they wouldn't even try. I mean, at this point, you can't do anything because the drug is in complete control of his body and mind. The drug is pulling him like a puppet to and from, back and forth, again and again. Can the spirit even bring itself up and scream for help? How does one even make it into recovery when they are so far gone?
I still have yet to tell his parents which doesn't really sit well with me BUT I KNOW that his folks wouldn't be able to do anything for him and I KNOW they wouldn't even try. I mean, at this point, you can't do anything because the drug is in complete control of his body and mind. The drug is pulling him like a puppet to and from, back and forth, again and again. Can the spirit even bring itself up and scream for help? How does one even make it into recovery when they are so far gone?
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