Confusing

Old 08-28-2014, 07:33 AM
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Confusing

I have been living apart from my AH for almost 3 months, and I have told him several times that I have no plans to return; that it will end in divorce. He told me about his plans for mortgage reduction and an eventual move to another area. I thought we were fairly amicable, but two days ago, after a phone discussion about his health (possible RA) and our DD17, he demanded that I return to his house and stay until DD graduates this year. Told me it was too hard on her. Told me we could discuss whether or not I stay after the summer.
I told him what our DD told me, which was that her stress levels are sooo much lower now that she does not have to deal with he and I arguing all of the time. (She spends about half of her time with him). I don't think he realized this, because when she is with him, I think she puts on a sympathetic face. Anyway, I also told him that my stress levels are considerably lower now that I have left and that I have no intention of returning. He got very angry.
I don't understand how he went from being agreeable, to forgetting about all of our previous discussions, and changing the rules on me. I had planned on visiting him this weekend to work out details of upcoming divorce, but I don't even want to see or talk to him any time soon. I think I may just present my thoughts in an email and then turn my phone off for the weekend.
I know it was all quacking, but it really disturbed me when it happened.
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Old 08-28-2014, 07:38 AM
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he demanded that I return to his house and stay until DD graduates this year. Told me it was too hard on her. Told me we could discuss whether or not I stay after the summer.
Yeah, keep moving toward what you know is the right thing.

It's hard being 17, regardless of the situation.
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Old 08-28-2014, 07:42 AM
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((Yurt))

Keep on keeping on. They do this. My X called me babe in a text yesterday (ewww), and will most likely hate me for one reason or another by tomorrow. I let it blow right over. His mood swings, his problem.

I am no fool that my DD who is 14 is still a teen and likely complains a little about me to dear ol dad. That's fine. I told him IF that is the case to remember she is a teen and that is what they do.

You are doing great. Stay calm, don't engage.

XXX
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Old 08-28-2014, 11:04 AM
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My psychiatrist friend calls it "narcissistic rage" and it's what happens when they don't get their way. Of course they are friendly and pleasant when all is working out the way they want it to or while they are trying to charm you. But when their attempts don't work, they revert to temper tantrums and bullying.

This is why you don't live there anymore. If at all possible, don't engage.
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Old 08-28-2014, 11:17 AM
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Yep, it seems they can pretty much flip, like there is a secret switch. With me, when he is livid, it means I am on the right path. When he is cuddly and decent, that means he wants to suck me back in.

Kinda like Smeagol and his precious. Try to take it away, and you'll see.
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Old 08-28-2014, 11:38 AM
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it seems it would behoove you to take this as a warning of things to come. the more he senses he's losing his grip on both of you, the more likely it is he will try to change the rules. or ignore the rules.
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Old 08-28-2014, 11:41 AM
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Hi Yurt,

I bet he just got your heart soaring with hope with that demand to move back under his roof.

I hope your school year is going well!
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Old 08-28-2014, 11:45 AM
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My NPD ex is all over the place, and if I ask anything of him he's an emotional wild card. Guess what? So is our teenager! He is sympathetic to me when he's with me and sympathetic to his dad when he's with his dad. He's cranky with his dad to me, and cranky with me to his dad.

I wouldn't think too much of it. This is the reality of the teenager that changes households.

I recently posted about a crisis I had with him and his insistence that he live with his dad, and my feelings of just not knowing what to do or if I had to fight or if I had the fight in me. I figured it out, and it amounted to him just needing some safe mom time after a long summer with his dad. Anyway.

I don't understand how he went from being agreeable, to forgetting about all of our previous discussions, and changing the rules on me.
Accept and move on. He will probably change the rules on you. He will blame you and turn the tables on you. Accept it, plan for it, and be glad if it doesn't happen, but it's what he'll do.
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Old 08-28-2014, 11:56 AM
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Ditto what AnvilheadII said, be cautious because it’s only going to get worse. I experienced this with my ex-husband the more he seemed to lost control over me and stopping the divorce the crazier he got and so did his behavior.
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Old 08-28-2014, 12:16 PM
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Not sure if you read my ice cream story that turned into me getting a PFA - but my soon to be ex supposed RAH wanted to take DD out for ice cream for her first day on Kindergarten on Monday and this is how it went down - 2 pm he textd me inviting me and 2 year old to come along so we can show the 5 year old we can still do things together (what?! Never. Or not for 5 years at least. He has been horrible HORRIBLE where did this come from? too little too late- wierd)

About 2 hours later he unleashed pure rage on me because his ice cream date was before dinner and not after and I had suggested he give her something real to eat first - he went into a terrible threatening rage (his pattern) and I got a PFA the next day.

So I know what you mean. You will get used to it, well.. not get used to it but you will get more sophisticated in dealing with it and it won't be AS confusing to you. It doesn't confuse me anymore - but it still affects me. It doesn't roll off my back yet.
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Old 08-29-2014, 06:41 AM
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After a couple of days of putting him on "ignore", he started emailing me again and called last night wanting me to film his ALS ice bucket challenge. And then became surly when I wasn't enthusiastic about it. I think I need to just spell out my expectations, give him my timeline, and file. For some reason, he does not understand that "no", means NO.

Codejob...Yes, my first thought was "Oh, my heart be still." (not sure where that comes from, but I often heard that from my mother). And so far, the school year has been terrific. Lots of responsibilities, and a wonderful group of students.
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Old 08-29-2014, 07:31 AM
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Or perhaps, you just have to stick to your action plan and keep doing what you are doing. But do expect some obstructionism from him. He knows what no means, he knows it very, very well; he is only inventing some new ways to violate your no's.
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