jarp

Just thought I'd update on what's happening over the last 2 weeks because I find it really useful to reread my posts, and for some reason journaling doesn't work the same way for me!

So feel free not to read my nothing update!

Not much happening in these neck of the woods. AH has finally conceded that he can't move home until he is well into recovery and has gotten himself an apartment near us (but not near enough that we'll bump into each other). He's done this so he can be nearer the kids and as he improves maybe come by and take them to school, see them a bit more, be a bit more involved.

We've had two more sessions of counselling....I think she is really good and is constantly calling is both out on our unhelpful ways of communicating and challenges his thinking, and my thinking a lot. She's good at getting us to set goals and to be accountable for them.

AH has spent some supervised time with the kids and that went really well actually. They enjoyed it, he enjoyed it, and by all accounts it was relaxed. I was worried about DS in particular who used to be such a daddy's boy...but he was ok and I think it was good for him to see his dad. Dad of course 'looks' better so hes finding it hard to understand why daddy can't come home now. But I keep working on it with him.

AH had been abstinent for a week and a half (which is a miracle haha), but is now back to having a wine here and a wine there. Ha. He knows he can't come home unless he is committed to recovery so thats a non conversation.

He is still pulling the wool over my eyes though and it was good to confront that in counselling. Specifically around all the things he 'says' his addiction specialist psychiatrist 'says', which seemingly contradict everything else I've ever heard, read or been told about addiction. Gems such as 'he says I am not an alcoholic', 'he says I just need a 6 month break', 'dr says i CAN drink moderatley and abstinence is an outdated, outmoded form of treatment that has been disproven by scence' and 'he says that the alcohol is just a result of me being so unhappy to our relationship, and so we need to fix the relationship and the alcohol won't be a problem'.

He was adamant that I was not to talk to this dr and that the dr wouldn't talk to me anyway and the counsellor got him to change his mind on that. He fought it though. Started saying "doc says im not an alcoholic and its just a label you insist putting on me to make me the bad guy" to "he'll just tell you what he thinks you want to hear" and finally "he's going totell you i have a serious addiction to alcohol"!!!

This doc is a really well known, well respected addiction specialist in Australia so I think I'll enjoy meeting him and hearing all these strange statements straight from the horses mouth....(and secretly interested to see AH's reaction if/ when the doc doesn't say those things).

Anyway life ticks on with kids and work. I am tired, really tired as there is no space for me. I've given up exercise (I was a runner but can't go out now), and life is just kids and work. Work and kids. My 2 SN kids have started a new program of intensive therapy so spare time is taken up with that. I need to find some space for me otherwise ill lose the plot. I'm not sleeping very well and have meds for that but am paranoid about becoming addicted!!! So I only take a half dose every third night...so every third night I get some sleep!

About it from me!

HopefulinFLA

Thanks for the update Jarp. Sounds like things have settled down a little, this is good.

I know it's hard, but do try to carve out sometime for YOU. It's really important to take care of yourself right now.

Missus

Sorry, this just made me lol - he has to cover his arse somehow now his stories are going to come to light :-)

CodeJob

Jarp, although overly busy, you sound like you are in a good spot mentally! Be well and maybe have H watch the kids for a run here and there or tag team SN lesson stuff so you can exercise and run an errand or two?

FeelingGreat

Jarp the first part of your post about your AH tying himself in knots trying to prove he's not an A made me smile, but the therapy seems to be doing both of you some good. It would be harder if he didn't admit he was drinking though. Do you assume he's drinking more than the odd 'wine here and there'?
I'm sorry you're so worn out and tired. You certainly need some time to yourself. Do you have family or friends nearby who could take some of the load off you?

jarp

I know, I know, I have to. It's hard to get into the mode of self care at the moment...it's like I can't even think what to do!!! Family. And friend are helping but I reserve them for when I need help with work....I travel a lt and they've been kid wrangling when I am away or late. So I feel I can't ask just bc I need a 'break'....

Also bc of AH's recent acute carry on, I won't leave the kids unsupervised at the moment...but maybe soon for a 30 min run....

I don't know if he's having more than a wine here or there. Only time will tell I guess. It's pretty easy to tell when he's drinking more as he gets personality and behaviour changes (even when his blood alcohol is zero) if he's drinking heavily.

I'm trying not to concern myself with it....time will tell.

I am pushing on the alcoholic thing though as if he's still in denial partly, or hasn't 100% accepted this then I don't see how he can address it fully.....but maybe I am wrong? Interventions aren't a done thing in Australia, but the seems to be thought that it works...and these people would be partly in denial or not have full acceptance.....

FeelingGreat

I do think you're right about him needing to accept he's an alcoholic. It's not like he's unaware there are problems, but he's not ready to stop drinking yet. Been there. And with couples, and individual therapy, intervention probably wouldn't work. Still it's good he's getting therapy; who knows? it might eventually help.

Hang in there, you're doing a great job.

FireSprite

I agree with you Jarp - he has to reach acceptance on his own terms & likely won't be open for all that therapy has to offer him (& you) until he does. This is where we ALL struggle, because we can't make our qualifiers see this, they have to want to & that's why we say only the addict has the power to help themselves, ultimately.

I can't speak to the success of interventions - I think sometimes they work & sometimes they ignite a fire... again it depends on how the addict perceives the intrusion & how much they are ready & willing to accept.

There is little doubt that he IS an alcoholic - the things that you have shared don't happen to so-called "normal" drinkers. They just don't. A single, isolated incident is not at all the same thing as the kinds of things you have been through in the last few months. And since he isn't abstaining (regardless of how much he has reduced his drinking down to) I would say the old wait for "more to be revealed" saying applies here tremendously.

(((((HUGS))))) I'm glad you are moving forward & hope you get some respite time for yourself soon!!