Faith444

I married my ABF last month. I've been on this board for awhile. I stayed away to avoid being judged, cuz I never wanted to leave my ABF. I did move out. We don't live together. But now we are married.

Last weekend was traumatic... He passed out at work (sometimes works, age 40), had a seizure, and was brought to ER. 36 hours and 50 tests later, he signed himself out at 1AM, in the HOOD. Walked / wandered for another 36, showed up in another ER, and again, signed himself out before I arrived. He found his way home, despite hallucinating about me trying to kill him and murder his dog, etc.

No need for more details. I spent the week by myself, even though I miss him, a lot. I'm too angry. It was traumatic and expensive, and of course, he's not sorry or concerned. Wants everything to continue as usual.

I married him because he made me feel alive, and real, after 20 years of feeling numb and unknown, and thus, I feel willing to walk him to the grave.

But I would RATHER NOT!!! Duh!!!

I'm just writing here to check in, touch base, and try to not feel as sad that I can't stand him or to be around him right now. Right now, he seems like the weakest, most spoiled, self centered person alive. And he is!

I've never known him sober. He was 20 years into alcoholism when I met him.

It's seems really stupid to have married him, but I'm 35, and never loved anyone like this. I probably won't/can't have kids anyway. I was dying of loneliness and boredom. I already knew I was codependent.

Thank you for writing, everyone. I got nothing really to say, but thank you. I'm glad to not feel as alone.

Sungrl

Do you attend any type of therapy for yourself?
It would be something I would definitely look into.
I would not be able to handle that situation on my own.
Best of luck to you Faith.

unsureoffuture

You are not a "dumb blond". You are a smart, valuable and loveable human being and you shouldn't worry too much about being judged here. We are all in this together! Yes, sometimes the comments here can sound harsh but the majority are only meant to help. We all love an alcoholic just like you or we wouldnt be here. Please feel free to post and share whenever you want.

From what you describe, you sound very lonely. You chose a partner that unfortunately can't give you the type of relationship you want because of alcohol. 20 years into alcohol is a long time. Have you told him how his drinking makes you feel? Does he have any desire to seek recovery? Passing out, seizures and hallucinating are all pretty serious and far into the disease process. It would be helpful to figure out what you want out of this. I second the notion for therapy for yourself. This may help you to see what exactly you want out of the relationship and why you chose the partner you did. You deserve to be happy, respected, supported and loved in a mutual relationship of give and take. Keep working on yourself, getting support and the future will be much clearer for you.

Refiner

I'm sorry you're in this predicament, as it will only get worse unless he wants the alcohol to stop ruling his life. You may find yourself still being lonely even while you're still with him as the mind is not present nor centered on anything other than the booze. God bless. I hope you can find a support group. For now there's SR! Welcome.

Sungrl

After rereading your post Faith I am more then a little concerned for you.

You said he was hallucinating and accusing you of harming his dog. That is very paranoid.

Does he take anything else besides alcohol, drugs of any sort?

Has he ever harmed you? That just sounds like such an awful situation to be in and you seem to be taking it in stride.

Refiner

The hallucinations happen when the alcohol has poisoned the brain. It could very easily become a violent episode. A friend of a friend whose alcoholism had progressed to this point used to pour bowls of milk and place them on the floor for all the "kittens" winding around his feet. There WERE NO KITTENS.

AnvilheadII

perhaps it's time to consider undoing the marriage. it's less than one month and already things are getting really bad really fast. thing is now YOU are financially on the hook for whatever bill, expenses, fees and fines HE rings up.

it's ok to admit you made a mistake. and to correct that. you can only save one person and that is FAITH.

Sungrl

Thanks for saying that. I didn't mean to imply he was on drugs. I was not aware that was a symptom of alcoholism, learn something new here everyday.

Just sounds scary and I agree Faith, it could lead to violence. Protect yourself.

Do you have family nearby??

firebolt

Faith- I just want to say thanks for your honesty. You seem pretty aware of yourself, and your situation, and I really, really wish you the best. I can empathize with your feelings....like many here can.

LadyinBC

I am sorry you are going thru this. No judgement from me and your definitely not dumb so please stop calling yourself that.

I think it is great that you posted as you don't have to go thru this alone and you don't have to suffer in silence.

Alcoholism thrives in secrecy and lots of families suffer in silence because they are too embarrassed or ashamed to say anything.

bringiton

Faith444, you were a little hard on yourself! I married my now RAH after knowing but denying he had a problem.

Personally I agree that now is a good time to focus on what you need and what. You can have a body lying next to you in bed and still be completely alone. A person can also live alone and be single but have a huge support network so they never feel alone. I sometimes find it hard, confusing, scary and frustrating but really trying to take care of yourself has to be priority.

I'm sorry you had to go through such a terrifying event like that. Maybe this is your "bottom" and even if you don't divorce you can come up with some boundaries to protect yourself. The disease can progress so fast.

Tansy

I am on my own but not alone, Faith. I was alone when xah was here. Very alone. I'm happy now and content even tho things have been rough this week. You aren't dumb. We've all done similar to you. No one will judge you here. I just seen one of your old posts that he beat his ex. He'll beat you too. ..eventually. Be careful xx

Florence

You're clearly VERY not alone in making ill-advised relationship decisions. (*waves*)

The good news is that you don't have to live with a poor decision forever. You're capable of great changes and revisions in your life. You can do just about anything you want here.

littlesister1

Personally I think it's much worse to be lonely when you are "with" someone (he isn't really there so how can you be with him?) than to be lonely becasue you are alone

JMO