He dumped me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 390
He dumped me.
Hi all. I have been reading this site for a while now and I decided it was time to post my story in here.
I met him two years ago at college, however, he was 25 at the time, and I was only 19. I was the best student of my class and apparently had everything in order, never drink, never smoke. He was on his last year of college and well, he was recently out from a relationship with a girl who cheated on him multiple times.
He was a very persistent kind of guy. A little bit shy, but with enough confidence to start chasing me. He did many things, like in romantic movies, just to be with me, to pass some time together. He was showing himself as a complete gentleman with me and well, I was very naive at the time.
I fell in love.
I had two other bf's before him, but I gotta admit that this time was the first time I really fell like that.
We did some pretty positive stuff while together. However, I was curious about his past. He started drinking when he was 12. But when I met him, he suddenly got sober.
(He actually was sober for all of our relationship, it lasted for 8 months).
I am not going to go too deep on details, but...
One day I found out he contacted his ex (the one who cheated on him) just to make her know he no longer hated her (he said this himself.... as terrible as it sounds). I broke up with him over this and some other reasons.
That day he insulted me, saying I was mentally ill, etc, and basically told me to never, ever talk to him again.
I died that day, or at least it felt like it... The first person I ever loved was just treating me like the biggest crap on earth. A week after that he started dating one friend of mine, and he was getting drunk daily... this of course just made things worse for me.
Months went by and he came back. He told me he was very sorry about everything he said to me when I broke up with him, and said that what he felt for me was the most special thing for him, I was the love of his life, and things like that... This was weird, because, actually, many of our mutual friends who knew him from years and years before I met him, always told me "how they never saw him so happy and excited, like they saw him with me" even when he was successful at getting women to notice him, he never treated anybody like he treated me.
So not only I accepted his apology, but I accepted to get back together.
He (seemingly) was very honest and before asking me to get back with him, he told me he slept with his cheating ex two months after our break up....
We never slept (we had some level of intimacy, just not the whole thing), so I thought that what we had was more special/different.
I accepted to get back together if he could do this things for me:
1. To not drink (I put this "requirement" while I was not aware of his issues with alcohol. I thought this was easy to do for him).
2. To completely cut off any form of communication he had with his ex.
3. To speak with my parents about everything (they knew basically everything that happened during our time together, and they know everything he did after I broke up with him. I wanted him to know that they were well aware of things, and that my family was as important to me as he was. I needed them to "approve" him, also... because of my age, and because I really loved him, but even so, I was a little bit confused and wanted to know if he was really serious about getting back with me).
He agreed to everything I listed. During the next month he would call me everyday, send me gifts, etc. At the same time, he would say to me that he was worried about what to say to my parents, that he was worried I was doubting about him (I was...) and that he wanted to work things out but, in general, felt like I was distant.
So Ok... One day he told me he didn't felt the same way for me anymore. We talked and he again said "just give me an opportunity to show you that I do love you".
The next day we saw each other and after discussing things seriously, he again said that he didn't loved me anymore, but that he really did and that it was the best thing that ever happened to him, that he wanted us to be friends.
I felt like I wanted to disappear. I felt used and felt like I made something wrong. However, after some thinking, I refused to be friends with him and went NC.
The last time I saw him he was drunk... And that was it.
Maybe he said the truth and he didn't loved me anymore, this will mean (to me) that he actually never really loved me.
Maybe he lied to me and hid many things from me and he was afraid I could find out.
Maybe he was afraid my parents would reject him after all he did.
Maybe he just didn't wanted to quit his drinking, and to quit to his ex-sex.
Maybe he thought I was too much work?
He was indeed self-centered, but I got to admit that there were times when he really thought more of me than of him. Or was this also manipulation? Dunno...
Hope my experience helps someone else.
I am now 20, haven't had a boyfriend since him.. Just want to get to understand things better and to love myself completely.
Thanks.
I met him two years ago at college, however, he was 25 at the time, and I was only 19. I was the best student of my class and apparently had everything in order, never drink, never smoke. He was on his last year of college and well, he was recently out from a relationship with a girl who cheated on him multiple times.
He was a very persistent kind of guy. A little bit shy, but with enough confidence to start chasing me. He did many things, like in romantic movies, just to be with me, to pass some time together. He was showing himself as a complete gentleman with me and well, I was very naive at the time.
I fell in love.
I had two other bf's before him, but I gotta admit that this time was the first time I really fell like that.
We did some pretty positive stuff while together. However, I was curious about his past. He started drinking when he was 12. But when I met him, he suddenly got sober.
(He actually was sober for all of our relationship, it lasted for 8 months).
I am not going to go too deep on details, but...
One day I found out he contacted his ex (the one who cheated on him) just to make her know he no longer hated her (he said this himself.... as terrible as it sounds). I broke up with him over this and some other reasons.
That day he insulted me, saying I was mentally ill, etc, and basically told me to never, ever talk to him again.
I died that day, or at least it felt like it... The first person I ever loved was just treating me like the biggest crap on earth. A week after that he started dating one friend of mine, and he was getting drunk daily... this of course just made things worse for me.
Months went by and he came back. He told me he was very sorry about everything he said to me when I broke up with him, and said that what he felt for me was the most special thing for him, I was the love of his life, and things like that... This was weird, because, actually, many of our mutual friends who knew him from years and years before I met him, always told me "how they never saw him so happy and excited, like they saw him with me" even when he was successful at getting women to notice him, he never treated anybody like he treated me.
So not only I accepted his apology, but I accepted to get back together.
He (seemingly) was very honest and before asking me to get back with him, he told me he slept with his cheating ex two months after our break up....
We never slept (we had some level of intimacy, just not the whole thing), so I thought that what we had was more special/different.
I accepted to get back together if he could do this things for me:
1. To not drink (I put this "requirement" while I was not aware of his issues with alcohol. I thought this was easy to do for him).
2. To completely cut off any form of communication he had with his ex.
3. To speak with my parents about everything (they knew basically everything that happened during our time together, and they know everything he did after I broke up with him. I wanted him to know that they were well aware of things, and that my family was as important to me as he was. I needed them to "approve" him, also... because of my age, and because I really loved him, but even so, I was a little bit confused and wanted to know if he was really serious about getting back with me).
He agreed to everything I listed. During the next month he would call me everyday, send me gifts, etc. At the same time, he would say to me that he was worried about what to say to my parents, that he was worried I was doubting about him (I was...) and that he wanted to work things out but, in general, felt like I was distant.
So Ok... One day he told me he didn't felt the same way for me anymore. We talked and he again said "just give me an opportunity to show you that I do love you".
The next day we saw each other and after discussing things seriously, he again said that he didn't loved me anymore, but that he really did and that it was the best thing that ever happened to him, that he wanted us to be friends.
I felt like I wanted to disappear. I felt used and felt like I made something wrong. However, after some thinking, I refused to be friends with him and went NC.
The last time I saw him he was drunk... And that was it.
Maybe he said the truth and he didn't loved me anymore, this will mean (to me) that he actually never really loved me.
Maybe he lied to me and hid many things from me and he was afraid I could find out.
Maybe he was afraid my parents would reject him after all he did.
Maybe he just didn't wanted to quit his drinking, and to quit to his ex-sex.
Maybe he thought I was too much work?
He was indeed self-centered, but I got to admit that there were times when he really thought more of me than of him. Or was this also manipulation? Dunno...
Hope my experience helps someone else.
I am now 20, haven't had a boyfriend since him.. Just want to get to understand things better and to love myself completely.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 154
Sorry to hear about the whole fiasco, timetoheal12. I met my A when I was 20 and was instantly swept off my feet in the same way. But, the warning signs that you were sensitive to, I was not. Fast forward 7 years and I have a whole host of amazing, and yet many tarnished memories and a relationship that needs a heaping amount of work. With about a year's investment in this guy, it should be easier (but not easy!!) to walk away and get your happiness back. So in that regard, you are lucky.
It sucks to have someone tell you they don't love you. When my A relapsed a couple years ago, he left me for someone slightly younger and who was more forgiving of his cheating/drinking/etc. She was less work. She was the easy option that kept his addiction alive. (That could be what is the draw to his exgf?) But the real truth with both your A and mine at that time was that they didn't love anyone, not us nor themselves--they loved their drug of choice. And their behavior is 100% geared toward maintaining that relationship and keeping everything else at a distance.
This guy... Let's just say you got off easy. His emotional instability, drinking, dishonesty, and inability to create and sustain meaningful bonds. Big red flags.
And, though I'm not much older at 27, let me just remind you that you are young! You will fall in love again. There is another guy who is healthy and capable of loving you back. It's scary when relationships end to think of the future, but you will be way better off even on your own than you would with this guy.
It sucks to have someone tell you they don't love you. When my A relapsed a couple years ago, he left me for someone slightly younger and who was more forgiving of his cheating/drinking/etc. She was less work. She was the easy option that kept his addiction alive. (That could be what is the draw to his exgf?) But the real truth with both your A and mine at that time was that they didn't love anyone, not us nor themselves--they loved their drug of choice. And their behavior is 100% geared toward maintaining that relationship and keeping everything else at a distance.
This guy... Let's just say you got off easy. His emotional instability, drinking, dishonesty, and inability to create and sustain meaningful bonds. Big red flags.
And, though I'm not much older at 27, let me just remind you that you are young! You will fall in love again. There is another guy who is healthy and capable of loving you back. It's scary when relationships end to think of the future, but you will be way better off even on your own than you would with this guy.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 79
He was your first love. I doubt many females will say they had the best relationship with their first love. I have been in emotionally abusive relationship and that's what this was. I'm not going to sugar coat it bc then you may still be hopeful. He manipulated you. He felt he found control you. Your young go out on dates meet guys have random kisses have fun. Do not let this immature insensitive boy (bc no man would treat a female that way) affect you now or your future. Have fun enjoy life.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
He started drinking when he was 12. But when I met him, he suddenly got sober.
Good luck to you, lots of us have been steamrolled by relationships with alcoholics during our youth. That's why we are here, figuring things out still in most cases.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 390
Originally Posted by Jenibean87 
Sorry to hear about the whole fiasco, timetoheal12. I met my A when I was 20 and was instantly swept off my feet in the same way. But, the warning signs that you were sensitive to, I was not. Fast forward 7 years and I have a whole host of amazing, and yet many tarnished memories and a relationship that needs a heaping amount of work. With about a year's investment in this guy, it should be easier (but not easy!!) to walk away and get your happiness back. So in that regard, you are lucky.
It sucks to have someone tell you they don't love you. When my A relapsed a couple years ago, he left me for someone slightly younger and who was more forgiving of his cheating/drinking/etc. She was less work. She was the easy option that kept his addiction alive. (That could be what is the draw to his exgf?) But the real truth with both your A and mine at that time was that they didn't love anyone, not us nor themselves--they loved their drug of choice. And their behavior is 100% geared toward maintaining that relationship and keeping everything else at a distance.
This guy... Let's just say you got off easy. His emotional instability, drinking, dishonesty, and inability to create and sustain meaningful bonds. Big red flags.
And, though I'm not much older at 27, let me just remind you that you are young! You will fall in love again. There is another guy who is healthy and capable of loving you back. It's scary when relationships end to think of the future, but you will be way better off even on your own than you would with this guy.
It sucks to have someone tell you they don't love you. When my A relapsed a couple years ago, he left me for someone slightly younger and who was more forgiving of his cheating/drinking/etc. She was less work. She was the easy option that kept his addiction alive. (That could be what is the draw to his exgf?) But the real truth with both your A and mine at that time was that they didn't love anyone, not us nor themselves--they loved their drug of choice. And their behavior is 100% geared toward maintaining that relationship and keeping everything else at a distance.
This guy... Let's just say you got off easy. His emotional instability, drinking, dishonesty, and inability to create and sustain meaningful bonds. Big red flags.
And, though I'm not much older at 27, let me just remind you that you are young! You will fall in love again. There is another guy who is healthy and capable of loving you back. It's scary when relationships end to think of the future, but you will be way better off even on your own than you would with this guy.
I do think I was lucky at some point. I didn't gave up my all to him. I didn't always had a feeling that made me distrust him, but I sure started having it while I was still with him, and it just grew into a horrible confusion.
You're right about him being unstable, and about him being a user of his ex. I think they both use each other, but that's a whole different story...
The only important thing is, even when I still feel like I need to find myself again, I feel like staying would have been very dangerous to all aspects of my health.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 390
Originally Posted by jadealexander
He was your first love. I doubt many females will say they had the best relationship with their first love. I have been in emotionally abusive relationship and that's what this was. I'm not going to sugar coat it bc then you may still be hopeful. He manipulated you. He felt he found control you. Your young go out on dates meet guys have random kisses have fun. Do not let this immature insensitive boy (bc no man would treat a female that way) affect you now or your future. Have fun enjoy life.
Yes, he was.
I think that what you say it's true. No one ever stays with their first love, no matter what. But, you know? It was kind of sad to me (and still is) that I fell for him and that I had to differentiate between the him he wanted me to believe he was, and the him who he really is.
I fell in love with a lie, or at least with someone whom he manufactured just to make me fall for him. That has been the hardest part to digest for me. To know that my first experience on love was a lie.
Yet again... You're right... I am too young to be preoccupied about not having the chance to meet someone else and fall in love again.
Thanks!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 390
Originally Posted by Santa
Early start in drinking is a classic marker for alcoholism. I'm guessing he wasn't sober for those 8 months, he probably hid his drinking, but either way it wasn't something that was under your control or your fault in any way.
Good luck to you, lots of us have been steamrolled by relationships with alcoholics during our youth. That's why we are here, figuring things out still in most cases.
Good luck to you, lots of us have been steamrolled by relationships with alcoholics during our youth. That's why we are here, figuring things out still in most cases.
Thank you, Santa.
Yes, it might be that he lied about it and about many more things.
But I don't have a way to know for sure...
I do understand now that his actions were not my fault at all, but I gotta admit that this was the first thing I thought when we first broke up.
I came here to avoid falling in a trap like this ever again.
Hope you are ok, and thanks again.
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