gabriel01

My bf has been sober for 8 months now. He still goes to meetings 2-3 times a week. But now he is sober, my life (emotion) doesn't seem any better. So I think put alcohol & drugs aside, he is not a relationship material I want in my life. Lately chat with people randomly, I realized most As are quite selfish, whether they are in recovery or not. It seems like their have some genetic problems (brain or how they think) that why they turn to As. So even they are in recovery, they still suffer a lot of personal, emotional, intelligence, and brain issues.

I don't want to stay in this relationship now. But my problem is I signed a lease with him together early this year. There is still 6 months left of this lease. I can't afford the whole rent of this place by myself. It's just so hard to live with him and at the same time to tell myself to move on.

Yogagurl

Hi Gabriel,

I'm sorry for what you are going through right now and I have been there before. I was there for four years, as a matter of fact and I'm just now getting the stability to move out from my AH. My addict husband had me lease a truck in my name shortly after we had moved in together before I knew he ever smoked crack and that was what kept me there for so long - then the begging when I tried to leave.

If you can manage getting someone else to take over your lease, that is an option. I'm not sure how he would react if you tried to leave but if you feel he would be agreeable, just see if you can get someone to take over your lease. If you feel like it would be difficult to broach the subject, you can wait it out or try to negotiate something with the landlord. Best of luck to you.

jadealexander

How long were you with him before he sought treatment? I can say my boyfriend who has an addiction to heroin is the sweetest most caring man ever (except for when he is on his mission to get heroin). My father is also an addict and alcoholic in recovery and clean now for 10 years. He may have been selfish with his time occasionally when he was using but he also is the most sincere give the shirt off his back man. So yes addicts can be selfish just like any other person. But if you do not feel a connection to your boyfriend if it is or isn't bc of his addiction then don't waste ur time. If you break the lease what do you lose? Money?...is money worth another 6 months of putting your life on hold?

gabriel01

We have been together over 3 years now. I found out his cocaine problem after we had been together 1.5 year. He then quitted on his own (not in any program) for half a year. I didn't know anything about addiction at that time. Half a year later, he relapsed. I was a broken person at that time. Then I seek for help and learned more about addiction and co-dependent problem. Lately, I don't feel well again (emotionally), I feel like I slowly going back to that old dark place.
After talked to few people, I finally think that his behavior is not acceptable even though he is sober right now.
He has porn addiction problem. We fought a lot on this. He lies & hides. To the point now, I don't care anymore.
Then he hangs out with his old friends again, even though he has not relapsed yet (but most likely if he keeps seeing them). They play poker every Saturday nights. And now, he develops a gambling problem IMO. He plays online poker everyday with the money he doesn't have. (Because he transfers money from his credit card).
He doesn't help much on the housework. He gives me attitude all the time and then saying sorry. But sometimes in less than a day, the same stinky attitude occurs again.
So on and on. I just realize I don't want to ride this roller coaster anymore. Sometimes, he is doing ok, but not long after, something else will come up. It makes me like it is my problem, like I'm too controlling or something.
But I don't think so, I want to live a much simple life. I don't want to have drama all the time. (But somehow he thinks I'm the one who create all these dramas) But I realize that I didn't create all these problems. But it's just not the lifestyle I want and approve. (pron, gamble, lazy and lies) I have my expectation in my life, and realize he is not the person who will able to grow with me.
Maybe all these drama, I love him less now or may be I finally realize and see something I didn't see before.
I still feel sad to leave this relationship or him. But I don't want to stuck in the same situation 10 years from now anymore and this is what I see if I stayed in this relationship.

If I broke the lease (non-negotiable, because the whole area is managed by a rental management company, not a landlord), I will have to pay $4000 which I don't have plus money to find another place to move into too.
He is not a violent person, so I think if I told him, he will be ok and move out. I will try to find someone to take over my lease, but it's really not that easy.

Ann

I definitely see why you decided he is not relationship material and it sounds like he had substituted drug addiction with gambling and porn addiction.

I hope you find someone to take over the lease. Maybe tell your landlord your intentions in case anyone inquires about a place.

Good luck, I think you are wise to move on.

Hugs

mejo

Oh, I heard the whole..."you are causing the drama in our marriage, not me". Really?? Please!

Sorry you are going through this.

URMYEVERYTHING

Sorry for your situation and I'm all too familiar with that trapped feeling you must be experiencing but let's take a step back.

6 months isn't that long if you think about it. This is plenty of time to get yourself stable and firm on the next move you should be making. This also gives you some time to save up for your own place and/or identify the next place you will live (without him).

gabriel01

he is leaving today. I'm not asking him to stay or pay his rent. I just have to suck it up and don't do activities. Hopefully, I won't build up the debt too bad in these 6 months.
I'm sad, but it might be a relief. I just got out of debt of 6 years from my previous failure business. I enjoyed my 2 months of debt free life, now will go back to live in a life with debt. But I think I will be out of this in a year. Just sucks to have this life again. But yet, I guess it's still better living in a life that full of lies, stress and gas lighting. I don't want to live like a crazy woman. I'm only 34, I still have a long road to live my life.
I was actually anticipated this day will happen when I moved in with him. I was hoping....gave myself a wrong hope. Hoping an addict will appreciate what I did for him, but I kept forgetting they are not normal people.

Txhelp

This is a bit step gabriel but I understand the roller coaster ride...even if they are not in active drug addiction.

Perhaps get a roommate for the 6 month period? As Ann said, let your landlord know that you intend on honoring the lease but if someone comes around to take over the lease maybe she will empathize with you?

I pray that this gains you some peace.

zoso77

They're not capable of absorbing the help and support of others.

I know you made a difficult call. But you deserve a lot of credit for it.

allforcnm

Hi Gabriel,

Its best for you to both go your separate ways if things are not good between you... and it sounds positive in your last post he has agreed to leave. I hope this will help you move forward now.

I think what your describing is specific to your boyfriend however.. My husbands behavior was unacceptable while he was using drugs (coke, pills) because the brain is altered during use, but after he quit using then he reverted back to the man he was before.. same positive qualities and characteristics. Possibly your BF still has unresolved issues he hasn't dealt with.

Good luck to you; I hope the end of the relationship allows you to start a wonderful new chapter of life.