Long time Lurker

Old 08-26-2014, 11:40 AM
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Long time Lurker

I have been separated from my AH for almost a year. Slowly trying to detach and move forward.

This weekend I made a big error and not sure how to recover.

My car wouldn't turn on and in a panic I called him. He came over and guess what it started just fine.

Now I can't get him to leave and i'm scared I opened the flood gates for him. He goes to work and then comes over and tries to be on his best behavior.
I still feel alone in his company. I feel bad telling him not to come over. When I called him he was so nice and told me he will do whatever he can do to help. (who is this man?)

My AH does drugs as a well and sometimes forgets he is even here or our conversation. What a winner I have!

Any suggestions on how to move forward?
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Old 08-26-2014, 11:59 AM
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Hello and Welcome! Glad you came out of hiding.

So what to do with Mr. "give me an inch and i'll take the couch"? I suppose you are going to have to restate the lay of the land using short words...you two ARE separated, you HAVE BEEN separated and you only called for some car help. you are not interested in re-engaging and could he please not come over anymore.

there's no way around it, you have to clearly state your wants and needs. and not feel bad for speaking your truth. to back it up you could have the house firmly locked and be out for a sequence of evenings. so that you are not available.

the other recommendation i'd make is a Triple A membership! that way you never have to rely upon anybody else for car trouble. you call 'em, they come out and fix it!
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Old 08-26-2014, 12:12 PM
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Hi! Put your big girl pants on and tell him to stop coming round. The relief will be worth it x
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Old 08-26-2014, 12:14 PM
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Thank you AnvilheadII- For some reason reading it makes sense to me I don't know why I couldn't of thought of it.

My vehicle is fairly new 2 years and I was shocked it didn't want to work. We took it to the store and they tested the battery and starter and they said nothing was wrong. I was starting to think it was a sign or something.
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Old 08-26-2014, 12:17 PM
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yes it's a sign...take me back to the car dealer!!!
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Old 08-26-2014, 12:32 PM
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Ha Ha Ha.
My AH is a mess right not and looking at his family dynamic I don't see any chance he will clean himself up. He was never taught any better and his family members have died from drugs/alcoholism so I don't see a high rate of success.

I don't understand how he can be so nice now after months of being separated and years of misery for me?

Why did he let it get so bad to now turn around and act so good to me now?
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Old 08-26-2014, 01:20 PM
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Originally Posted by ashamed2day View Post
I don't understand how he can be so nice now after months of being separated and years of misery for me?

Why did he let it get so bad to now turn around and act so good to me now?
I think reading on this site will show you a LOT of A's who do exactly what yours is doing. Nothing original.

And nothing has actually changed, either. Please don't let yourself get sucked back in, thinking that it has.

I think the AAA membership is a great idea--I don't think they're all that expensive, and they typically include things like a break on towing charges and so on too.
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Old 08-26-2014, 04:46 PM
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The question isn't "why is he so nice now?" - - it is "How long would his "niceness" last if I let him come back?"

Often alcoholics have a cycle they go through: the honeymoon, the plateau, the disillusionment, the "blame anybody but myself", the anger, the hostility, the bad behavior...

And that leads to them being tossed out, and they want back in, so they try THE HONEYMOON again... and on and on it goes.

You don't have to buy back into anything you don't want to.

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Old 08-26-2014, 06:32 PM
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Thank you everyone for your feedback.

I caught him in a lie today and explained as nice as I could that he is not being truthful and I didn't appreciate it. I also took it further and told him that is why we aren't living together anymore because I get exhausted trying to decipher his words.

I was getting so flustered that I ended the call. To many topics in one conversation for me.

I can honestly see how drugs and alcohol can change the chemical balance in a brain for the worse. How he can't understand what a lie is.

I've been going through this nonsense for so long I can't imagine what a normal conversation would be with a mate
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Old 08-26-2014, 06:41 PM
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Originally Posted by ShootingStar1 View Post
The question isn't "why is he so nice now?" - - it is "How long would his "niceness" last if I let him come back?"

Often alcoholics have a cycle they go through: the honeymoon, the plateau, the disillusionment, the "blame anybody but myself", the anger, the hostility, the bad behavior...

And that leads to them being tossed out, and they want back in, so they try THE HONEYMOON again... and on and on it goes.

You don't have to buy back into anything you don't want to.

ShootingStar1
He told me he has learned alot from being gone and doesn't drink 2 bottles of wine anymore a night and only 1 or 2 beers when he gets home now.

I asked him about AA he was reluctant. He said we can do this together but he needs my help. I explained and I apologize but I told him I was not going to help him, I have been helping for years and it got me nothing but pain and suffering. I was the one abandoned and had to bury all my hopes and dreams so I wasn't helping him. I could understand that since he hadn't done so already he wasn't even ready yet.

I am sad for him but living separate is what is best for my sanity. I over react allot to him, I am tired of not being paid to be a private investigator.
I have to work on me as I know I will be divorced one day i'm sure of it.
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Old 08-26-2014, 07:37 PM
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You are one smart cookie. Bravo!
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Old 08-27-2014, 10:37 AM
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Ashamed, you should change your name and not be ashamed, that's for sure! You've got a good head on your shoulders. Thanks for coming out of lurking mode! May I ask how long you've been separated? The reason I ask is that usually sooner or later they will come out of the "best behavior" when they see they're still not getting their way and become monsters again to you. The allowing him back in for a bit for the car thing might have given him hope that you will take him back and he kind of was trying to force his way back. If you firmly re-set your boundaries with him, it will be interesting to see if he remains on his "best behavior" or not. What do you expect him to be like and how long do you think this best behavior will last?

ETA: sorry, I went back and saw you've been separated for about a year.
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Old 08-27-2014, 10:47 AM
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Yip, keep going on your path there! Mine said the same after I left - that it would be easier to do it with me! That's rich after 10 years of pussyfooting around him and the subject in general. You stick with those clear boundaries and get the triple A. I even learned to change a light bulb, hey! Amazing how we can get around these little practical snags, huh?
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Old 08-27-2014, 01:00 PM
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Originally Posted by Refiner View Post
Ashamed, you should change your name and not be ashamed, that's for sure! You've got a good head on your shoulders. Thanks for coming out of lurking mode! May I ask how long you've been separated? The reason I ask is that usually sooner or later they will come out of the "best behavior" when they see they're still not getting their way and become monsters again to you. The allowing him back in for a bit for the car thing might have given him hope that you will take him back and he kind of was trying to force his way back. If you firmly re-set your boundaries with him, it will be interesting to see if he remains on his "best behavior" or not. What do you expect him to be like and how long do you think this best behavior will last?

ETA: sorry, I went back and saw you've been separated for about a year.
Yes it will be a year in a few weeks. When I made him leave I went NC for about 4 months then started diving up property etc.

When I started this journey I wanted a quick fix but now I see it is not as easy as that.

Reading everyone's experience and wanting to get better is what is keeping me motivated.

I went over boundaries with him last night and I didn't feel guilty at all. (it's amazing when the mind and heart agrees)

He cried but said he understood.
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Old 08-27-2014, 01:04 PM
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Originally Posted by Brindie View Post
Yip, keep going on your path there! Mine said the same after I left - that it would be easier to do it with me! That's rich after 10 years of pussyfooting around him and the subject in general. You stick with those clear boundaries and get the triple A. I even learned to change a light bulb, hey! Amazing how we can get around these little practical snags, huh?

Can I ask did he try to make change and failed because he wasn't giving it his all or he never changed?

I ask because AH said he would stop drinking so much but then his anxiety is through the roof.
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Old 08-27-2014, 01:06 PM
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I went over boundaries with him last night and I didn't feel guilty at all. (it's amazing when the mind and heart agrees)

Good for you! now, caveat....always remember who is responsible for adhering to your boundaries. hint...it ain't him. he may very well "forget" at some point what was said, or he may reason that he didn't think you meant EVERY Thursday, or that you meant no ALL the time, or that he wasn't really just dropping by per se, he thought he saw smoke coming from the upstairs bedroom and was concerned for your safety (when in fact you were in the backyard grilling dinner). you gotta be your own guard dog, patrolling the perimeter.
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Old 08-28-2014, 09:30 AM
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Hi there, in answer to your question, I left early one morning with a few bags, no warning, I just left a note. So there was no discussion, just as sudden as that, and he hit rock bottom pretty much straight away and was admitted to detox. Has since been doing AA and is 6 months sober, I believe. Didn't change his spots, though! Before I left, he never made a serious attempt to discuss the problem or make a change. His behaviour was getting more violent so I just quit while I was ahead. I knew that otherwise nothing would ever change. That was the only way I could set some strict boundaries - no contact now for 7 months and we only communicate through lawyers.
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Old 09-14-2014, 10:10 PM
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Originally Posted by Brindie View Post
Hi there, in answer to your question, I left early one morning with a few bags, no warning, I just left a note. So there was no discussion, just as sudden as that, and he hit rock bottom pretty much straight away and was admitted to detox. Has since been doing AA and is 6 months sober, I believe. Didn't change his spots, though! Before I left, he never made a serious attempt to discuss the problem or make a change. His behaviour was getting more violent so I just quit while I was ahead. I knew that otherwise nothing would ever change. That was the only way I could set some strict boundaries - no contact now for 7 months and we only communicate through lawyers.
Brindie- I'm sorry I just saw this. You are very strong. I wish I could just move away and start over.

I am very upset with myself he did exactly what alot of the friends said would happen. I fell for it. He declared he was ready for a change. I thought wow he hit rock bottom. I keep in my mind actions speak louder than words .
He started coming over for a few days and then bam gone again.

I am very angry at myself thinking wow maybe he could beat the odds but I am so stupid.
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