That moment...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 81
That moment...
You might well be familiar with that moment…the one where you have been clean/sober for a period of time and yet you somehow find yourself with a drink or drug of choice in your hand? Yeah, well that.
Last night after a month of being sober, after reading the rational recovery book, after feeling more confident then ever about my continued sobriety, after joining the gym and exercising, after feeling my long-term depression beginning to lift, after noticing my addictive voice [the beast] beginning to go quiet…..I took some opiate based pain killers from my wife’s supply. Then I took them upstairs to the bathroom, locked the door and spent ages staring at them, fighting an internal battle about whether to ‘treat myself’. About whether to ‘just have a few’. About ‘why am I even being clean, I could drop dead tomorrow’, and on and on and on. A true internal war of wants and needs and denials and what could be’s and what ifs. I looked at the tablets and they looked back at me. Shiny silver wrapped opiate bliss. Guaranteed.
Eventually, without any conscious decision that I am aware of or can remember, I saw my hand flush the toilet, then I left the bathroom without taking the tablets and put them back where they belong. I was --->this<--- close to wasting all of my hard work and I’m not entirely sure why. I’m not even entirely sure how I did not take them. I’m not even sure what the purpose of this post is, as such. Guess I just wanted to share the experience and ask for any feedback.
Hope you are all well and life is being kind to you.
Thank you.
Cheers, FC.
Last night after a month of being sober, after reading the rational recovery book, after feeling more confident then ever about my continued sobriety, after joining the gym and exercising, after feeling my long-term depression beginning to lift, after noticing my addictive voice [the beast] beginning to go quiet…..I took some opiate based pain killers from my wife’s supply. Then I took them upstairs to the bathroom, locked the door and spent ages staring at them, fighting an internal battle about whether to ‘treat myself’. About whether to ‘just have a few’. About ‘why am I even being clean, I could drop dead tomorrow’, and on and on and on. A true internal war of wants and needs and denials and what could be’s and what ifs. I looked at the tablets and they looked back at me. Shiny silver wrapped opiate bliss. Guaranteed.
Eventually, without any conscious decision that I am aware of or can remember, I saw my hand flush the toilet, then I left the bathroom without taking the tablets and put them back where they belong. I was --->this<--- close to wasting all of my hard work and I’m not entirely sure why. I’m not even entirely sure how I did not take them. I’m not even sure what the purpose of this post is, as such. Guess I just wanted to share the experience and ask for any feedback.
Hope you are all well and life is being kind to you.
Thank you.
Cheers, FC.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
That experience of what RR describes as "vertigo" would be a good opportunity to reread that section of the book, as well as the sections on identifying and dismissing AV.
Good job, cluster.
Good job, cluster.
Working-cl*** pseudo tough
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Manitoba, Canada
Posts: 485
Man FC, anything you can do to avoid these temptations in the future? That one would have scared me pretty bad.
Maybe ask your wife to hide the pills? I dunno what else, but having the temptation around might still be a bit too much for you.
Best wishes...
Maybe ask your wife to hide the pills? I dunno what else, but having the temptation around might still be a bit too much for you.
Best wishes...
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 645
Very good. You surprised me in the end. I thought we were heading down the relapse path type of outcome. Good job and remember moments like that deserve a big emotional flex of "up yours" to opiates, alcohol, etc.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
Big congratulations on your entire sober month, FC! I often had big AV moments close to significant milestones the first two times i tried to quit, and, unfortunately, I succumbed and it was. not. worth. it.
I have been bailed out serendipitously like that before, through no merit of my own--like you, i almost could not remember the moment of deliverance; i just mechanically ended up doing the right thing somehow and left scratching my head.
I attribute it to the intervention of a higher power--because it certainly makes no sense.
I have been bailed out serendipitously like that before, through no merit of my own--like you, i almost could not remember the moment of deliverance; i just mechanically ended up doing the right thing somehow and left scratching my head.
I attribute it to the intervention of a higher power--because it certainly makes no sense.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by FusterCluck 
Eventually, without any conscious decision that I am aware of or can remember, I saw my hand flush the toilet, then I left the bathroom without taking the tablets and put them back where they belong.
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,823
Results are what counts , great job on staying on the not side of the fence. But the post was scary to read.
That AV is promising treats for a job well done, guaranteed, but you do notice the ultimate selling point is based on whether or not you will be around tomorrow. So in that sense it is getting desperate, the rationale at least acknowledges that one side of the coin of going back or not is equatable to nonexistence. Intellectually I bet , you realize a one time respite would be nothing more than possibly opening up the flood gates, right? Squash that stupid voice before you open the drawer , not to diminish at all what happened in the bathroom, you got this.
That AV is promising treats for a job well done, guaranteed, but you do notice the ultimate selling point is based on whether or not you will be around tomorrow. So in that sense it is getting desperate, the rationale at least acknowledges that one side of the coin of going back or not is equatable to nonexistence. Intellectually I bet , you realize a one time respite would be nothing more than possibly opening up the flood gates, right? Squash that stupid voice before you open the drawer , not to diminish at all what happened in the bathroom, you got this.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 127
Awesome job. This is what I believe. Even though what you went through is totally scary, i think what you were able to do at the end will make you that much stronger. It will be less scary and easier to do what you did. You should choose to believe that.
pakman
pakman
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