Confused and axious
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Olney, MD
Posts: 268
Confused and axious
So I have spent the last couple days really focusing on *me*, almost to the point of putting blinders on regarding AH. I think Ive done this first if I was all wrapped up with him I would be an absolute wreck and incapable of accomplishing anything. Second, hes in rehab so I DONT need to worry about in on a day to day. Until I got the first call from his counselor today.
He is apparently "all systems go as far as his recovery" but the counselor basically told me not to expect that to remain once they get into the real work. He might balk and not allow himself to feel the feelings he is going to need to feel. One thing in particular is the sexual abuse from his childhood. The counselor told me that when he asked AH about abuse he totally dodged the question. If he can't deal with that, then well, I don't know. As the counselor said, he may be one of the ones who stays sober, he might be one of the ones that relapses, and this might just be a "vacation from him" for me and he wont go through the real work at all.
And its up to him. I know that logically but is scares the tar out of me. This is all up to him. And what does that mean for me. I know, future tripping again *bad, bad me*. So what do I do with this information? Do I hope for the best and plan for the worst? I think if I did that I would be setting us both up to fail. I know it will really effect my attitude towards him and he will grow to resent me for it. What do I do? I know I need to set some boundaries with him, but I don't know what those look like. I guess I better start looking now. This is all so painful. As painful as it was to live with him drinking, this is so much more painful. I know this is the kind of pain you grow from, though. For the first time in a long time I am pretty sure that I will be ok for myself. But there is real grief here. Am I grieving to soon?
His counselor also suggested when I talk to him and write to him, I need to tell him how his drinking has effected me and our relationship. That flies in the face of what I think I should be doing, which is sharing with him what I am doing for myself and praying he does the same for himself. Is this a wise idea for me to do? Is it going to make him totally shut down and not want to do this work? I don't know. Its all up to him. But I need to decide for myself if this is advice I should take. I have a choice in this matter. What I speak to him about IS something I can control.
He is apparently "all systems go as far as his recovery" but the counselor basically told me not to expect that to remain once they get into the real work. He might balk and not allow himself to feel the feelings he is going to need to feel. One thing in particular is the sexual abuse from his childhood. The counselor told me that when he asked AH about abuse he totally dodged the question. If he can't deal with that, then well, I don't know. As the counselor said, he may be one of the ones who stays sober, he might be one of the ones that relapses, and this might just be a "vacation from him" for me and he wont go through the real work at all.
And its up to him. I know that logically but is scares the tar out of me. This is all up to him. And what does that mean for me. I know, future tripping again *bad, bad me*. So what do I do with this information? Do I hope for the best and plan for the worst? I think if I did that I would be setting us both up to fail. I know it will really effect my attitude towards him and he will grow to resent me for it. What do I do? I know I need to set some boundaries with him, but I don't know what those look like. I guess I better start looking now. This is all so painful. As painful as it was to live with him drinking, this is so much more painful. I know this is the kind of pain you grow from, though. For the first time in a long time I am pretty sure that I will be ok for myself. But there is real grief here. Am I grieving to soon?
His counselor also suggested when I talk to him and write to him, I need to tell him how his drinking has effected me and our relationship. That flies in the face of what I think I should be doing, which is sharing with him what I am doing for myself and praying he does the same for himself. Is this a wise idea for me to do? Is it going to make him totally shut down and not want to do this work? I don't know. Its all up to him. But I need to decide for myself if this is advice I should take. I have a choice in this matter. What I speak to him about IS something I can control.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
TerpGal, I don't know that you're "grieving too soon." Certainly you have much to feel sad about at this point, and the marriage doesn't have to be actually over for you to feel sorrow for all that you had hoped would happen that didn't. I know that I spent a lot of time wondering if ANY of what I believed had been true, or if it had all just been my desires and hopes getting the best of me. That's a sad place to be.
I can't say what's best as far as what you write to your A in rehab, but I will say that, whatever you write, it needs to not be done w/the hope of manipulating or influencing your AH. It seems like you already understand that. Maybe asking the counselor why he/she wants you to write about how the drinking has affected you will help you make that decision.
This link from the stickies at the top of the page might help you think about boundaries: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html
I'm glad that you have that sense that you'll be all right in the end. That, in and of itself, is a big step forward. Wishing you continued strength and clarity.
I can't say what's best as far as what you write to your A in rehab, but I will say that, whatever you write, it needs to not be done w/the hope of manipulating or influencing your AH. It seems like you already understand that. Maybe asking the counselor why he/she wants you to write about how the drinking has affected you will help you make that decision.
This link from the stickies at the top of the page might help you think about boundaries: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html
I'm glad that you have that sense that you'll be all right in the end. That, in and of itself, is a big step forward. Wishing you continued strength and clarity.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
TerpGal.....I have had enough personal experience to know that a lot of men..a lot more than most would imagine have had some sexual abuse in their past and hang on to that "secret" for dear life...often from their own spouse. It is a tough, delicate, and important subject.
Also, I think that helping the alcoholic come to realize how their drinking has effected others is a standard part of the treatment.
dandylion
Also, I think that helping the alcoholic come to realize how their drinking has effected others is a standard part of the treatment.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 115
I too think that telling them how their drinking affected others while they are in rehab is part of the treatment. It is probably when they will be the most open to hearing it too. When my husband was in rehab they had a family day where someone from the family was a part of the therapy that day. Part of that therapy was telling the addict how their drinking affected you. The rest of the day was treated as a visitation day. This was after he had been there awhile. This particular rehab was a 28 day inpatient, and several years ago.
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