unease7

My 13yr old daughter is going thru the typical teen behavior of talking back , smart mouth but at times with me and with her younger sister she can go to far.
I always step in when she starts this with her sister and put a stop to it,and I know she is usualy wanting to argue due to cant get her hair to look the way she wants or the sky is blue whatever and she is angry and wants to argue and Iam usualy the one she directs her anger at.When she crosses the line with me and it starts to feel like my 13 yr old is talking down to me thats when I have a problem.She has seen and heard so much of her dads horrible behavior and our fights and I have had to many conversations with her about what is going on with her dad thats one reason I knew I needed Alanon I needed someone besides my daughter to vent to Its not fair to her she is still a child It was just at the time she was the only other person who realy understood and knew what was going on my younger daughter knew but not quite as much.I feel like because of all of AH problems I have let my daughter get by with too much as far as her attitude and Iam very close with both of my girls but I think my oldest is starting to think of me as a friend not respecting me as a mother.i have found with her if the back talk starts I tell her I will not respond to you when you speak to me like that I am your mother Not one of your friend when your ready to talk to with some manners and respect we can try this again not untill and I walk away. This seems to work the best, but the other day while I was at work and he was at home with the kids she got smart with him which he really isnt use to this because she really doesnt bother talking to him much at all anymore his responce to her attitude was to look her in the eyes and very loudly say I'am Not YOUR MOTHER! now I think what he meant by this was you can talk to her that way but not me. It feels like I am killing myself trying to take care of everything at home and wk full time and getting no respect from my oldest child and now AH has started belittling me to her its so frustrating Im the responsible one I am the one the kids can depend on and I have been a good wife to my husband WHY do I feel like Im a joke and a doormat .
What do you guys think has anybody else ever felt this way or am I just feeling sorry for myself?

Flavia2

Does he have to continue to live there? It would be so much easier for you to enforce boundaries with you daughter without his disfunction. You don't deserve to be treated like that.

lillamy

One of my kids is 15. She grew up with a verbally and emotionally abusive alcoholic father, and she has copied his behavior. She demands to be the center of attention. She is emotionally immature (some days like an 8-year-old). There's not a thing wrong with her mentally, but emotionally, she has taken a horrible beating from living with an alcoholic parent.

The other kids have copied my codependent behavior. They seem more sane on the surface, but they also have a lifetime of garbage to work through.

I found that as long as their father was in the picture, as long as they spent time with him, they were not healing. They were in therapy, but therapy was like triage. It taught them how to continue surviving in a dysfunctional place.

In the past year, since their father disappeared from their life, they have taken great strides. The one who's copying his behavior still is, but she is realizing what she's doing and working on changing it.

As long as this kid saw AXH treating me with disrespect, she thought she could get away with it, too. And because I was compensating for his abuse, I didn't set strict enough boundaries. These days, I have to treat her with the same detachment I treated him. It's crushing my heart but it's what she needs to grow into a responsible human being.

That's my story. I don't know if any of it helped, but that's my experience. As long as I lived with an A, whatever I did for the kids was just like putting bandaids on a broken bone.

Combakkid

My oldest who is 11 is going through this as well. When AH calls her out on it (which is rarely) she replies well you don't treat mom well. He never knows what to say after that and walks away. For my daughter in her own way, which is misguided she is trying to get me to see how unacceptable the behavior is. I am currently at the indifferent crossroads where I am not sure what I want to do, but feel numb towards my AH. I wish you strength as you deal with this.

unease7

Thank you all for taking the time to read and to reply, It really helps me to get the opinons of people who truly understand the craziness of this.I also wanted to see if anyone could offer any advice on how to start this conversation with a therapist, Ive been seeing a therapist for the past year once every couple a months and I have an appt. with her later today, all she knows is I have problems with anxiety and depression and generaly feeling overwelmed. We've never got into where any of these feelings come from and its very hard for me to talk about it but I know it would help me so much and she is my therapist this is what she is their for. How do you open up about this I dont know how to go about that I feel like once I get past the initial telling her my husband is an alcoholic, that for her alot of our previous conversations are going to make a lot more sence to her.Im sure she has seen other people who are also very slow to open up completly and for me I have such trust issues it takes so long to feel comfortable, and even then I get so nervous its like when Im talking I hear myself and my voice sounds so shaky and I get out of breath I start to get terrified I will say the wrong thing its like this impending feeling of something horrible is comming and my heart starts beating so fast my face turns red. I know its the anxiety, but it makes opening up so much harder. If anyone could give me some advice on how to start this conversation with her I would appreciate it, and Thank You all so much.

FeelingGreat

Unease, your method of refusing to continue the discussion until your DD settles down sounds spot on to me. You're not yelling back or escalating the argument, just refusing to participate. She may be imitating her father, but that doesn't mean you have put up with it.

13 is about right for starting to argue back with Mum and Dad. Check with other parents and you may be grateful it isn't worse. Whatever the origins of her attitude, she needs boundaries and will thank you later for setting them.

That said, don't forget to give her some positive feedback when she is being reasonable.

HikerLady

Interesting that you almost seem to be saying that it is important for you to tell the therapist this so it will make more sense to her (instead of needing to tell her so YOU can learn more specific ways to cope in the situation). How about simply saying something like "I have a really hard time trusting, I've been afraid to tell you that my husband is an alcoholic and I'd like to explore ways to cope with that better so I am not so stressed out and anxious"..then let her do her job and see where it takes you?

myfreedom

Unease7, I am currently going thru this with my 11 yr old daughter. It is very frustrating. She hardly talks to her AH dad either. If he gets upset with her and opens his mouth, she thinks he is yelling and she gets an attitude and stomps off or stands there and glares at him, which makes it worse. She gets mouthy with me as well, and she knows not to do it but tries to test my limits. She also has seen the way her father treats me. When she mouths him, he looks at me like its my fault. She knows it all, thinks she can do whatever she wants, when she wants and every little thing sets her off. Some days I don't know what to do, she is my only girl and my boys NEVER acted this way. It is a learning experience and I know her father and his ways do not help at all.

airwick

My boy is 12, I left in December. He acted the same way as your daughter and my AXH did the same Leaving is not always the right choice, but my son is my life I felt it was the best for him