Never Ending Cycle?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Massachusetts (south shore)
Posts: 125
Never Ending Cycle?
So, I broke up with my boyfriend…and went back to talk to him this weekend…BIG mistake…now, I want him back. He has always wanted me back. He admitted he drinks too much 1.75ml bottle of scotch per week, but he is “really willing and ready to change” now…Do I believe him THIS TIME? Still love him so much… If it wasn’t for his drinking, we would be perfect together. I need to set some boundaries, how do I do that? The thing is, my comfort level is great when I am with him…he drinks lightly with me and usually just on weekends. It’s the times I am not with him that worry me, cause I know he’d be home drinking. How can I see if he is better, if I don’t live with him? Would the only boundary befor him to stop drinking all together? Do alcoholics EVER get better?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 7
Living with an alcoholic and setting up boundaries is doable, but it's not fun, nor is it healthy or preferable. Your life will always feel restrictive somehow. The anxiety never completely goes away.
You can choose to take him back and live that way, or tell him now that he gets sober, gets help, then he can let you know when he's actually ready to be in a healthy relationship. If he's an active alcoholic right now, he's not ready.
You can choose to take him back and live that way, or tell him now that he gets sober, gets help, then he can let you know when he's actually ready to be in a healthy relationship. If he's an active alcoholic right now, he's not ready.
Stoic
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Wash D.C.
Posts: 321
>>So, I broke up with my boyfriend…and went back to talk to him this weekend…BIG mistake…now, I want him back.<<
What was the mistake? Breaking up with him, or going back to talk to him, and now wanting to be back with him? If you consider it a mistake to begin to want him back again, don’t you see that you already know what the right thing to do is? (give him his space and let him get recovery on his own)
>>he is “really willing and ready to change” now…Do I believe him THIS TIME?<<
He may really be ready and willing to change. You can believe him all you want. However, the insidiousness of Alcoholism is that the change take much more than a willingness. It takes action, dedication, and constant vigilance.
>>I need to set some boundaries, how do I do that?<<
Your boundaries are your boundaries. They are there to help YOU, not him…there to help you maintain a healthy distance so that your BF’s Alcoholism has as little effect on you as possible. Without the boundaries, his Alcoholism becomes yours as well, as you have to deal with it.
>>It’s the times I am not with him that worry me, cause I know he’d be home drinking. How can I see if he is better, if I don’t live with him?<<
If you’re suggesting that you should move in with him, just so you can attempt to control his drinking even more? That’s NOT a good idea. You will lose your mind trying to control him, and it will be fruitless.
>>Would the only boundary before him to stop drinking all together?<<
Make sure you’re talking about a boundary, and not just what you expect him to do. You can’t tell him to stop drinking…you can simply tell him that you will not be with him if he drinks. This is a very large boundary, and more or less destined to fail. When he drinks against your boundary, are you really willing to walk away forever? If you don’t, your boundaries are useless and you’re simply enabling.
>>Do alcoholics EVER get better?<<
Yes and No. The statistics on Alcoholics that recover for the rest of their lives are pretty dismal…we’re talking percentages in the teens. Also, there is a saying amongst them that “Once and Alcoholic, always an Alcoholic”…so they usually consider themselves “In Recovery” for the rest of their lives. Is that getting better? It depends on what side of the fence you sitting on.
What was the mistake? Breaking up with him, or going back to talk to him, and now wanting to be back with him? If you consider it a mistake to begin to want him back again, don’t you see that you already know what the right thing to do is? (give him his space and let him get recovery on his own)
>>he is “really willing and ready to change” now…Do I believe him THIS TIME?<<
He may really be ready and willing to change. You can believe him all you want. However, the insidiousness of Alcoholism is that the change take much more than a willingness. It takes action, dedication, and constant vigilance.
>>I need to set some boundaries, how do I do that?<<
Your boundaries are your boundaries. They are there to help YOU, not him…there to help you maintain a healthy distance so that your BF’s Alcoholism has as little effect on you as possible. Without the boundaries, his Alcoholism becomes yours as well, as you have to deal with it.
>>It’s the times I am not with him that worry me, cause I know he’d be home drinking. How can I see if he is better, if I don’t live with him?<<
If you’re suggesting that you should move in with him, just so you can attempt to control his drinking even more? That’s NOT a good idea. You will lose your mind trying to control him, and it will be fruitless.
>>Would the only boundary before him to stop drinking all together?<<
Make sure you’re talking about a boundary, and not just what you expect him to do. You can’t tell him to stop drinking…you can simply tell him that you will not be with him if he drinks. This is a very large boundary, and more or less destined to fail. When he drinks against your boundary, are you really willing to walk away forever? If you don’t, your boundaries are useless and you’re simply enabling.
>>Do alcoholics EVER get better?<<
Yes and No. The statistics on Alcoholics that recover for the rest of their lives are pretty dismal…we’re talking percentages in the teens. Also, there is a saying amongst them that “Once and Alcoholic, always an Alcoholic”…so they usually consider themselves “In Recovery” for the rest of their lives. Is that getting better? It depends on what side of the fence you sitting on.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
horriblethisis.....You left a really bad relationship with your husband....to enter a relationship with an active alcoholic less than a year ago....during which time you have left him several times, already.
Yes, I would call that a cycle or a pattern. A pattern that only you can break.
This guy will be an alcoholic for the rest of his life....only total sobriety can put it into remission....and that is a lot of time and hard work on his part. He doesn't even sound remotely ready to do that.
Your future and your peace of mind is entirely in your own hands. It is the only thing you have control over. You have no control over your boyfriend.
It is up to you to change the cycle.
I suggest that you go no contact with him and devote yourself to a program of working just on yourself. I suggest alanon or sober recovery and a personal therapist....as well as SR...LOL.
If you really want this to stop.....you will have to go through some short-term pain for the long-term gain.
At least, it would be short term pain (you are already in pain). Staying with an active alcoholic means that the pain will go on forever...and get worse over time.
I realize that this probably sounds very blunt, to you. I would sugar coat it if I could....but there is just now way to sugar-coat this....
dandylion
Yes, I would call that a cycle or a pattern. A pattern that only you can break.
This guy will be an alcoholic for the rest of his life....only total sobriety can put it into remission....and that is a lot of time and hard work on his part. He doesn't even sound remotely ready to do that.
Your future and your peace of mind is entirely in your own hands. It is the only thing you have control over. You have no control over your boyfriend.
It is up to you to change the cycle.
I suggest that you go no contact with him and devote yourself to a program of working just on yourself. I suggest alanon or sober recovery and a personal therapist....as well as SR...LOL.
If you really want this to stop.....you will have to go through some short-term pain for the long-term gain.
At least, it would be short term pain (you are already in pain). Staying with an active alcoholic means that the pain will go on forever...and get worse over time.
I realize that this probably sounds very blunt, to you. I would sugar coat it if I could....but there is just now way to sugar-coat this....
dandylion
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