Flossy71

So over the past few weeks I have kept away from my A as in I haven't seen him, but we have message'd from time to time. Usually with him messaging me things about how he has a new sponsor or how he's going to meetings on a daily basis and how he has counselling sessions arranged. To all of them I simply reply saying that's good to hear. Not once has he asked how I am. This weekend he message'd and we chatted for a bit. He's been to a meeting that morning and was going again that evening. When I commented on 2 meetings in one day he said as he was on his own he wanted to make sure he didn't drink. I did feel like that was a slight dig at how I wasn't there but I ignored the comment. He then said he had to go to get to his meeting and said to have a nice weekend whatever my plans were. I simply thanked him and said to enjoy his meeting. So later on while I'm out with friends he messages again saying how he can't just be friends, that it would be great if I wanted to see him again then adds how he needs people in his life who love and support him and how I don't seem to be there. Er, I've done nothing but support him for the past 18 months while the only thing he's been consistent at is verbally abusing me, storming off out at the drop of a hat and relapsing! So anyway, as I was out and my phone was in my purse I hadn't seen the message which was shortly followed up with how he guessed my not answering gave him his answer, followed by how I must be out. I replied asking him to leave it and I'd talk to him the following day. I then got bombarded with how I was obviously out drinking, was too drunk to type and my friends were more important. That usually sucks me straight onto the defensive and an argument with him but instead I put my phone away and ignored him. I'd said I would speak to him the next day and left it at that. Clearly that went down like a lead balloon. When I later looked at my phone he had message'd saying no we wouldn't speak the next day or ever again, that he needs someone who loves him and is there for him and to never contact him ever again and he's blocked me from doing so. He's been though his calendar and declined everything I'd invited him to and worryingly, he owes me money for holidays and car repairs and he's cancelled the monthly calendar reminder to repay me! So I'm guessing that by detaching, removing myself from the situation for a few weeks to get my head in a good space, setting and maintaining boundaries has proved that he actually doesn't care in the slightest how his illness/behaviour impacts me, it's all well and truly about him! It's probably given him the reason he needs to get back out there too.

desypete

you have done all the right things, and your able to read him like a book, i guess you know when he says thats it its over that given time he will son contact you again ?

i remember when i was married and how i would tell her i am going to leave home now in arguments
i would pack my bags and watch her beg me to stay and off i would go around the block or for a walk in the park with my bags then i would do her a favor and come back

my ex soon got used to me doing this so she wouldnt beg me to stay and instead just let me go
i can hear myself now saying i am going now !!! and nothng would come back so i would say it again I AM GOING NOW !!!!!!!

it would hurt me that she never begged me to stay so i soon stoped doing that as she wasnt doing what i wanted her to do

today i can laugh at myself for behaving that way and it was 20 odd years ago i behaved that way if he gets into aa and hears people share what there like just like i do he will start to see himself in his own behaviour and then start to understand its no way to live a life or try to make someone who loves us feel happy

but it takes a long time for all these behaviors to stop a very long time indeed

we have to learn to grow up in aa and face our true selves and then change by doing things differently and learning how to live sounds crazy doesnt it that grown up people can behave like such spoilt brats but thats exactly the nature of sober alcoholics, we must have everything our way or we will not play ball and will try every trick in the book to get our own way
hence we have to learn how to live life were we dont get our own way and its dam hard but worth it when the penny drops : )
but it is a life long battle that does get easier as the years go by and we have worked on us

hopeful4

Flossy, I am sorry this has upset you but in a way relieved for you. What he did, is doing, is a form of manipulation and emoational abuse. He knows how you are going to react. And for him not to pay his obligations is just one more sign of who he is. Chalk it up to an expensive lesson learned. You deserve so much more than that.

I can remember how if I went out even just to dinner with my family or anything my X would find all sorts of reasons to need to text me, and many times I would worry to the point I would go home. Game, set, point...for him. My family realized it but they said they had to give me time to see it myself. It only took me 18 years LOL!!! That's ok, because I see it now and will never allow myself to go down a road like that again.

You deserve someone who is loving and kind, not this.

XXX

NWGRITS

He's done you a favor, honestly. But he'll be back. Life is hard out there for the poor little alcoholic brain on its own. Keep the calendar just the way it is. And when it comes to money, never expect to get anything back from an addict. Having zero expectations will keep you from being constantly disappointed. It'll also keep you from being the nagging enabler who has to make sure he's paying his bills. Consider it money well spent to get him gone.

Flossy71

Thanks all. Desypete yep you're right, I know exactly what's going on as it's exactly what he did last time and it's exactly why I left him last time round, which he knows because I made it clear his behaviour was unacceptable and that was why I was walking away. And here he is doing it all over again 6 months after getting back together! And yep, I know it's only a matter of time until he makes a reappearance and it'll probably be all my fault it happened too. You're so right that he behaves like a spoilt brat. I only have to challenge him in the slightest, not even intentionally, and he gets mad, won't be spoken to like it and off he goes. I will never forget the very first time it happened. It actually frightened me, not because he was being intimidating, but just because it was the most irrational response to something I'd ever witnessed! Unfortunately it took me another 18 months to realise it was to do with alcoholism. I'm guessing it's the disease at play then with these type reactions? I can't for the life of me see what there is to gain from it otherwise!?!

Hopeful4 - it's interesting how you say that if you went out with family or friends you'd get constant texts from your A. Last year I was oblivious to it, as you were, but this year I started to notice that whenever I did anything for me he would set about spoiling it. I went to see friends after work one evening as they were leaving to live in another country. He called and I didn't answer as my phone was on silent, then he bombarded me with texts of accusations as to why I hadn't answered his call and told me not to bother going round to his afterwards. Made me stressed and concerned the entire time I was at my friends. Even the day I ran 10k for a cancer charity in memory of my Mum who died from it a few years ago, he found something to be furious about both before and after the race, drove me home like a lunatic and then cleared off for the day as he was 'too angry' to be around me. My crime? I'd given my stepdad a kiss before him at the finish line when I'd noticed he was fighting back tears. A highly emotionally charged race in my mums memory still had to be turned into being about him and spoilt! Grrrrr.

I noticed today he's unblocked me. Not because I was looking but because I launched the app concerned to chat to a friend and his picture had reappeared. So it's only a matter of time until he resurfaces! I have to say I'm dreading it as I need to sustain the strength I've shown over the past few weeks at not being sucked back into it all

dandylion

Flossy.....if you are to have a boyfriend....shouldn't it be someone who adds quality and richness to your life?

Love isn't supposed to torture you like this.
Love doesn't hurt.

dandylion

Flossy71

Yes Dandylion, you are so right x

Flossy71

well so far he hasn't contacted me and my neighbours handed me a box at the weekend that he'd left outside that contained the toiletries I had kept at his place along with gifts that I had bought him. I contacted him to ask him to make sure that as a minimum he paid me the money I'd lent him to get his car repaired, knowing full well it's unlikely I will get all of the money back. Up to his usual tricks he claimed he'd deleted my bank account details so I let him have them again and to be fair he has made a payment. But the messages he sent me were so scathing, how there had been a couple of arguments and an intentional relapse and what had I done, f****d off with my mates. Basically he hurled a whole load of abuse at me for not being there for him after his last relapse and for spending time with my friends. Unbelievable, I was so angry. I have done nothing but support that man financially and emotionally, although he see supporting him financially as paying his rent, which I never did, but never mind I paid for absolutely everything that we did and fed him much of the time! I stopped seeing so much of my friends and declining invitations to support his sobriety. Yet whenever it suited him he'd have an 'intentional relapse'. And now I'm the baddy because I refuse to be treated like it any more! At this point in time I wouldn't acknowledge him if I passed him in the street, which probably won't be long because I'm sure he will make sure he bumps into me somehow! Things are currently quiet and he's said he never wants to hear from me ever again and as far as I'm concerned it's over, but it's only a matter of time isn't it before he tries another approach!

hopeful4

Stay strong!