butterfly2013

Hi everyone,

Its been a while since I've posted on here. As always, I appreciate all the stories and medicine here.

Just wanted to pop in here and post about some things that have been happening. I've been doing a lot of traveling this summer, but for various reasons, I felt a lot of anger and pain during each trip. After the last trip, I felt like I was on my way to my healing/recovery again, but my self-care techniques fell through the wayside (I stopped oil pulling, stopped meditation, I started eating a lot of junk food and sugary stuff again, started staying up late, feeling anxious and paralyzed).

After a series of stressful events, I went on about three dates with a fellow student in my graduate program---which is a big deal for me, since the last date I went on was about one year ago. We got along instantly, we never ran out of things to talk about, we have so much in common, etc, etc. He texted me every day, he tells me I'm so brilliant, intelligent, sexy, beautiful, he can't wait to have me, etc, etc.

Turns out, he smokes weed every day---he does have a prescription but I think it is more than a casual habit for him. On top of that, when we tried to have sex for the first time, he couldn't get it up. Mind you, we're both in our late twenties. We actually tried several times, but it wasn't happening for him. (I'm thinking it's related to his weed usage or perhaps anxiety, but who really knows...)

After that, he completely stopped communicating with me. No more texts, no more calls, NOTHING. I've been feeling down about this, especially after these other stressful events this summer. I'm trying not to take it personal and I'm feeling my feelings and I understand, logically, that it's better that things ended.

School starts tomorrow, and since our department is so small, it is only a matter of time before we run into each other. I just wish things didn't end so awkwardly! I know I should just be civil and keep it professional but it still sucks. Besides the weed and his performance problems (from too much weed?), I really did like this guy a LOT. And the experience is a little unsettling for me, too, because an addict is an addict is an addict...and I still picked one (I think he is, not 100% sure)---even after all I've been through with my XABF and SR and counseling and everything? Why is my "picker" still "off"? As if I haven't made any progress at all?

Just wanted to put it out there in the universe. I know I should just stay in the present but I'd love any words of support and hugs. Thanks SR!

ghosseir

I'm sorry you are feeling low..... He's ashamed, it's as simple as that.,and yes, the performance thing is very likely weed related. And so, my suggestion is for you to lay low, see what happens when school starts. Let him come to you with an explanation - if he doesn't, well, sorry to say this, but you've got to toss the lame fish back in the pond....

butterfly2013

Thanks, ghosseir! Your supportive words mean more than you know

ghosseir

Hang in there. It will get sorted out one way or another. Maybe the universe is trying to tell you that this guy isn't a keeper. He is young but not so young that he feels it's ok to just run and hide because of performance issues. Please!!

Be well

Soberintexas007

Hi Butterfly,
It could be weed related, but it also may not be. I think it's important that you do not read too much into is, as you will never know for sure why that happened. Also, he may be an addict, but he also may not be. Sorry things have not worked out at this time with this guy.

AnvilheadII

it's very possible his male ego took a big hit with the failed attempts at sex.

butterfly2013

Yes, thanks, ghossier, I have to trust the universe that it will get sorted out...hopefully sooner rather than later! We're going to see each other for the next two years at school-related meetings, seminars, events, etc. It was only three dates, so it's not really a big deal, but he could have at the very least ended things formally with a text or call or *something* instead of completely ignoring me. And I agree Anvilhead, maybe he's just so mortified that he just can't even talk about it...? I don't know. No use speculating why, I guess...

Thanks, justbreathe1980, I'm trying to keep things in perspective. The only thing he said about not getting it up was that it has happened with other women in the past. And you're right, I don't know him well enough to know whether he is addicted or not.

smc92va

I ask myself that same question all the time- why do I always gravitate to addicts and people not capable of fulling giving and receiving love? I too am dealing with someone who stopped all communication with me that I was in live with. Sometimes I just can't get past the pain. I wish I had a laundry list of ways you could get past these feelings, but I can't even move past them myself. I guess all we can do is to continue to work on ourselves and continue self care. I hope things turn around and have a much needed happy ending for the both of us. Just know you are not alone. Sending you good vibes and hugs.

butterfly2013

Sending you hugs as well smc92va!! Very true, taking care of ourselves is all that we can do. I do feel disappointed but I don't regret taking a chance with this guy...it obviously didn't work out but we should always be gentle with ourselves...progress, not perfection. Easier said than done but we can try!

smc92va

I've been reminding myself all weekend itty bitty baby steps are ok. It's hard for me to accept. I too would not change a thing about taking a chance.....I'm still hanging onto the hope that he ended things to let me go with love and to not drag me into this part of his recovery from heroin(he is in month 8 of sobriety from a 15 yr addiction) and I know he is protecting his sobriety at all cost right now- but it still hurts so much. And I'm still confused how someone who expressed such strong feelings a month ago can just turn them off so abruptly and coldly. I'm having a very hard time right now with acceptance 😔