What A Lot of this Comes Down To
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
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What A Lot of this Comes Down To
Here is a significant theme I have noticed on these boards:
If your partner is an alcoholic and does not show a strong desire to stop drinking, things will get worse and worse.
So, if one's partner is continuing to drink, the most sensible thing to do would be to leave the relationship, preserving one's sanity.
However, just as I believe an alcoholic must hit their own "bottom" to want to quit drinking, I believe that so must the spouse of an alcoholic also hit their own bottom.
It has been a sign for me that I am close to hitting my bottom because I joined this site. Have I hit my bottom yet? To be honest, no.
This is my reality. In the meantime, I am appreciative that I have support as I continue to fall toward my bottom, so that when I do eventually hit bottom, I can have support and hopefully won't do anything crazy or self destructive.
Does this sound about right?
If your partner is an alcoholic and does not show a strong desire to stop drinking, things will get worse and worse.
So, if one's partner is continuing to drink, the most sensible thing to do would be to leave the relationship, preserving one's sanity.
However, just as I believe an alcoholic must hit their own "bottom" to want to quit drinking, I believe that so must the spouse of an alcoholic also hit their own bottom.
It has been a sign for me that I am close to hitting my bottom because I joined this site. Have I hit my bottom yet? To be honest, no.
This is my reality. In the meantime, I am appreciative that I have support as I continue to fall toward my bottom, so that when I do eventually hit bottom, I can have support and hopefully won't do anything crazy or self destructive.
Does this sound about right?
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
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That's pretty much how I would describe it.
You can lead a horse to water, and all that.
I spent four years in Al-Anon and here before I hit my bottom and was ready to leave. And it's like the old story about the hound sitting on the porch howling, and the visitor asking "what's she howling for?" and the owner says "she's sitting on a nail" and the visitor asks, "so when's she gonna move" and the owner says "when it hurts too much."
That's about it. I left when the danger of staying appeared bigger than the danger of leaving. In retrospect, I wish I had been braver and left earlier. But it was what it was. I left when I was able to.
You can lead a horse to water, and all that.
I spent four years in Al-Anon and here before I hit my bottom and was ready to leave. And it's like the old story about the hound sitting on the porch howling, and the visitor asking "what's she howling for?" and the owner says "she's sitting on a nail" and the visitor asks, "so when's she gonna move" and the owner says "when it hurts too much."
That's about it. I left when the danger of staying appeared bigger than the danger of leaving. In retrospect, I wish I had been braver and left earlier. But it was what it was. I left when I was able to.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 303
I just knew when I knew. I was done. Done done.
It took me a long time to get there. But I see in other's stories that it seems to be a similar thread that 1) it takes most of us a very long time of playing the game and holding on and going insane until we finally are done. However, 2) when we are done, we are truly done. A light goes on. We get it. We leave. Then our recovery really starts.
There seem to be a few exceptions on here of those who are detaching and recovering while still with their A, but most of those partners are working their own recovery. And it's still a really rough road.
It took me a long time to get there. But I see in other's stories that it seems to be a similar thread that 1) it takes most of us a very long time of playing the game and holding on and going insane until we finally are done. However, 2) when we are done, we are truly done. A light goes on. We get it. We leave. Then our recovery really starts.
There seem to be a few exceptions on here of those who are detaching and recovering while still with their A, but most of those partners are working their own recovery. And it's still a really rough road.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
What I found in my recovery is being strong enough to stay. I've also been learning what to say, how to say it (no longer ignoring the BS or arguing uselessly with illogical thinking) and luckily enough, my husband has been open to it. That hasn't always been the case on either end -- I used to push and demand, or ignore -- he would push back, defend and isolate himself. Things on both sides have greatly improved. It's been a hard but good journey so far, with a long way still to go for both of us.
My recovery has been more important to me than his. His is up to him. We're now supporting ourselves and each other, and taking responsibility for our own actions and/or inaction. I'm learning how to listen, how to open up my heart to others -- not only with my husband and family, but with life in general. It's good.
My recovery has been more important to me than his. His is up to him. We're now supporting ourselves and each other, and taking responsibility for our own actions and/or inaction. I'm learning how to listen, how to open up my heart to others -- not only with my husband and family, but with life in general. It's good.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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Originally Posted by keepingthefaith 
What I found in my recovery is being strong enough to stay. I've also been learning what to say, how to say it (no longer ignoring the BS or arguing uselessly with illogical thinking) and luckily enough, my husband has been open to it. That hasn't always been the case on either end -- I used to push and demand, or ignore -- he would push back, defend and isolate himself. Things on both sides have greatly improved. It's been a hard but good journey so far, with a long way still to go for both of us.
My recovery has been more important to me than his. His is up to him. We're now supporting ourselves and each other, and taking responsibility for our own actions and/or inaction. I'm learning how to listen, how to open up my heart to others -- not only with my husband and family, but with life in general. It's good.
My recovery has been more important to me than his. His is up to him. We're now supporting ourselves and each other, and taking responsibility for our own actions and/or inaction. I'm learning how to listen, how to open up my heart to others -- not only with my husband and family, but with life in general. It's good.
So did your husband decide to get sober? Because you stated that you were strong enough to stay.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
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Originally Posted by Bullfrog
I just knew when I knew. I was done. Done done.
It took me a long time to get there. But I see in other's stories that it seems to be a similar thread that 1) it takes most of us a very long time of playing the game and holding on and going insane until we finally are done. However, 2) when we are done, we are truly done. A light goes on. We get it. We leave. Then our recovery really starts.
There seem to be a few exceptions on here of those who are detaching and recovering while still with their A, but most of those partners are working their own recovery. And it's still a really rough road.
It took me a long time to get there. But I see in other's stories that it seems to be a similar thread that 1) it takes most of us a very long time of playing the game and holding on and going insane until we finally are done. However, 2) when we are done, we are truly done. A light goes on. We get it. We leave. Then our recovery really starts.
There seem to be a few exceptions on here of those who are detaching and recovering while still with their A, but most of those partners are working their own recovery. And it's still a really rough road.
FWIW, I don't think it's braver to leave or to stay but it's brave to do what is in your own best interests. I think a lot of people here are accustomed to sacrificing themselves for someone else's happiness and feel obligated to "keep families together" or take care of sick spouses.
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Stung, when you say that in your alanon group it seems that most couples stay together whether the alcoholic is working a program or not, what does this exactly mean? Are they staying together and the alcoholic is still drinking? Or are they staying together with the alcoholic not drinking but not working any program?
Well, husband recently got home, and now he has the next two days off. For some odd reason, he suggested we go out to a late movie (it was already 10:30 pm), and we never do that. I was already in my PJ's and tired. I asked him if he just wanted to go out so he could have a beer, and he denied it. I told him I am too tired to go out, and he was agreeable to that. Now we are just watching a movie together. Praying that the next couple days go well.
Well, husband recently got home, and now he has the next two days off. For some odd reason, he suggested we go out to a late movie (it was already 10:30 pm), and we never do that. I was already in my PJ's and tired. I asked him if he just wanted to go out so he could have a beer, and he denied it. I told him I am too tired to go out, and he was agreeable to that. Now we are just watching a movie together. Praying that the next couple days go well.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
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I was here 5 years before I hit my bottom and knew I was done with xah. Reading here helped. When I first joined I believed all his quacking. A light went on and then I got physical stress symptoms. I knew when I couldn't get out of bed any more the time had come to split. In hindsight I should have call time many years ago but I wasn't ready.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
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People stay for various reasons. I think everybody's situation is different. People leave when they are ready to leave. It would be the greatest thing in the world for me to say, "He is an active alcoholic who has no plans to work any programs," and pack my bags and leave. It should be easy, right? But it is not that easy for pragmatic reasons. For example, you need money and a secure job. You have kids, and then things get even more complicated. It is possible that you are far away from your family and friends. You have no support system anymore. You are simply scared. And divorce is generally expensive. So, everything may take time.
I do not work the Alanon steps, am not part of any support group, and have been wandering in the dark for years. But everything I read on here, everything I learned so far, proved to be painfully true. When people advise me to be careful and take care of myself, I do it.
Whatever you decide to do, make sure you educate yourself about the disease so you simply know what to expect and be ready when the storm comes.
I do not work the Alanon steps, am not part of any support group, and have been wandering in the dark for years. But everything I read on here, everything I learned so far, proved to be painfully true. When people advise me to be careful and take care of myself, I do it.
Whatever you decide to do, make sure you educate yourself about the disease so you simply know what to expect and be ready when the storm comes.
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Join Date: May 2010
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Originally Posted by Stung
I agree with this. Some people stay and some people go. It really depends on the pool of people you're polling as well. From SR, the common outcome appears that people split from the alcoholic in one way or another. In my alanon group it seems like most couples stay together whether the alcoholic is working a program or not. Really depends on who you're asking.
FWIW, I don't think it's braver to leave or to stay but it's brave to do what is in your own best interests. I think a lot of people here are accustomed to sacrificing themselves for someone else's happiness and feel obligated to "keep families together" or take care of sick spouses.
FWIW, I don't think it's braver to leave or to stay but it's brave to do what is in your own best interests. I think a lot of people here are accustomed to sacrificing themselves for someone else's happiness and feel obligated to "keep families together" or take care of sick spouses.
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JustBreathe, both. In alanon no one tells you what you should do or gives you advice on your relationship with your addict, its a lot different than the dynamic of this forum (but this forum provides me with instant gratification and doesn't require a babysitter). Alanon is just a lot of ES&H. I know women in my group that are still married to alcoholics (or other kinds of addicts) that are drinking and others that are married to alcoholics that are not drinking and use whatever tools to abstain. People do stay married to active alcoholics. Lots of people divorce active alcoholics and recovering alcoholics too. It really depends on what you're willing to accept in a partner and what you're willing to change in yourself.
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Originally Posted by Justbreathe1980
So did your husband decide to get sober? Because you stated that you were strong enough to stay.
I take what I've learned from family week at the rehabs (2), what I've learned here, from books and groups (all necessary for both my recovery and education), and now I am strong enough to trust my instincts. He's a good man. He's also an addict. He has an addiction to alcohol. Those two things aren't separate. They are both a part of him and if he at any point decides to give up on himself, there is nothing I can do about that. One sober week, month or year is but a beginning on this journey. There are many alcoholics who relapse after years or decades of sobriety. That is why active recovery is a lifelong journey. It can and does get better, yet only he can take care of his side of things. Only I can take care of mine. I've been dealing with my other issues for some time now. He has fairly recently started to deal with his. As he learns other techniques to deal with his anxiety, guilt and fears, perhaps he'll be able to start letting them go, yet that is his journey not mine. As he delves deeper into things and emotions get stirred up, I wouldn't be surprised if more relapses are ahead. I would hope not, but I'd be a fool to expect anything other than what has consistently happened in the past.
So where does that leave me in the present? I've been triggering the past few days with anxiety. It's old stuff I'm now releasing and working through. It's a few minutes at a time 1-3 times a day. I feel it, acknowledge what it is and don't try to stop it. What I resist persists. I let it come and work on fully letting it go.
I'm praising God for the day as it is. Figuring out what I can handle and not taking on more than that. Trusting my instincts. He has newly relapsed again and it's not the end of the world. That doesn't mean I'm blind to it, but that my eyes, mind and heart are wide open to what's going on.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
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So true!! When I first joined here, I wasnt at my bottom either. But, as time went on and more and more of the "predictions" came true, I got there. It's been a long process. Believe it or not, even as I am in the divorce process as we speak, I am so much happier and stronger than I was when I first joined. I wish the same for you, whether your partner continues to drink or not. You and your serenity are what matters!!!
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