Thatdeliveryguy

I am on my knees trying to figure out today, so much is going so well, I mean everything I could regain from not drinking and I drink. I've posted so much on here about not drinking and then I drink. I think I am truly insane and stupid, I am so lost...... I have meds, I cancelled my detox appointment but have another appointment concerning rehab on Tuesday. I have an opportunity for getting my job back and then I celebrate with just one. Reset the clock, crazy old TDG is at again.

This is becoming mind boggling a stupid on a level that I don't understand. So much progress and then I regress. This is a mind obsession, so sick and sad. I can't even define what it is to be sober, because I want to live drunk.

Why oh why, all the positive and then bam negative because I can't get past my own habits. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I suppose by now I've warn on all your nerves, I just don't get me! I actually told myself just one, had only one, and now feel like I've let the whole world down mostly myself.

Its a sad state of being when you start solving problems and then think you should go back to the one thing that started your problems. I've read my past post over the last couple of hours and I can see the evolution, the heartache, the pain the success and the failure, the crazy and the insane, the hopeful and the hopeless and I am glad I posted those things. You know its nice to know where you are going and where you have been. Its just now at this moment, I am stutter ( insert bad word here). Why Jeremy haven't we suffered enough? Guess not!

Sigh, start the clock again, I did cancel detox and rehab and i tried to get my appointment back but they said no not till Thursday. Nothing positive tonight, just regret and at a loss for words. Maybe I am doing it all wrong 8 months in got mental help, got a miracle and still just blowing it. I guess I am insane good night and please please please stay safe and sober friends....

ScottFromWI

Why did you cancel the Detox TDG? Can you get back in? I think you know that you are going to need some supervision to get back on track, no?

Thatdeliveryguy

Yes, ScottfromWI, I must admit I need long term rehab, I don't want to do inpatient, I hate the idea of losing control, but now more than ever I realize I need to sign up for rehab and detox and get over whatever it is I think I can do. My own thinking only gets me in trouble.

ScottFromWI

Were you able to get rid of the drinks you have and get ready to start again tomorrow at least?

Altoids

This is a mind boggling disease, DeliveryGuy. First ~ don't beat yourself up. It won't help. Glad you were able to reestablish the appointment for this coming week. You CAN do this. Keep reading posts, take CARE OF YOURSELF, and get the alcohol out of your home. Sending tons of positive vibe and support and hugs and prayers.

Thatdeliveryguy

there is no more alcohol here, I am totally lost. I've never ever gotten so much help and then had to restart again. I am truly beginning to think alcoholism is going to kill me because its apparent I guess i don't want to stop. I flap my lips, but continue in this habit.

Altoids

I don't believe this one bit. If you didn't want to stop you wouldn't be making appts for rehab/detox, posting on a recovery site, asking for help, etc. You can do this. Believe it.

Croissant

That's alcoholism.

We've all been a mouse on that wheel.

ANewDayNYC

Stay strong thatdeliveryguy -- you can do this!

autumn2

Well you only drunk one beer. That's better than a 12 pack or a case.
Tomorrow you will be able to take care of the paperwork you were worried about.

I was trying to come up with a solution on the other thread,but I had no idea how to handle that,so I didn't post.

Maybe just give yourself a pat on the back for being one and done. No need to freak out! You have paperwork to fill out and an appt for detox later in the week.

Keep your head high. I don't see how you've completely fell off any wagon.

GotGrace

Come on TDG. You know you want sobriety and it is not impossible for you. Twelve hours ago you were on the right track. You messed up, but you can get back on track. You have proven that you are brave enough to seek the support you need. Please don't give up now.

WhiskyTengo

Just keep trying. Keep quitting. Don't give up on yourself.

Mountainmanbob

if we have a true desire to stay sober
there are two times in which we need to be very careful

when we are feeling low
and when we are feeling all so good

why not reward ourselves with a drink ???

MM

DeannaM77

so I feel just like you. Want to stop drinking so badly. But every excuse just continues on. Why is it so hard to group something that we hate so much?

sprout50

Your story sounds a lot like mine. When things are going well, we tell ourselves we have control and have just one drink. You made the comment that you don't want to do inpatient rehab because you hate the idea of losing control. The fact is that going to rehab puts you in control.

I am new here but I can say that you will never wear on my nerves. I can't even count the number of times that I have had to wind the clock back to day 1 again. Don't beat yourself up. Consider all those times as practice for the day that you finally quit for good.

Eddiebuckle

TDG, you are an alcoholic. You aren't losing control, unfortunately that line was crossed a long time ago. Whatever you have tried previously has not been sufficient to get sober. This is not a condemnation - I got sober only after going to inpatient rehab for six weeks, it was the best decision I ever made. I got out of rehab in Feb 2010 and have been sober since, but I still need to work on my sobriety virtually every single day, even now. Does that mean I have lost control? I don't care. The results speak for themselves.

Try to set your ego and fears aside. Go to inpatient and do everything they suggest as if your life depends on it... because it does.

You CAN do this, and you won't regret it. Good Luck!!

DrakeCKC

You are embarking on a most difficult but worthwhile journey, hang in and keep trying TDG.

Persys

I wanted to share something that I went though several years ago. I keep reading your posts and you allude to the fact that you are insane and mentally ill, etc. Please let me preface this by saying I am not trying to draw a parallel. I am only sharing since my experience sounds similar.

I (alcoholic) also went though a time in my life where I was seeing doctors and therapists, ending up in hospitals and short-term detoxes, and getting all sorts of different diagnoses from people who were qualified to give them. At one point I was on 7 different medications even though I was drinking every day. They told me I was OCD, then bi-polar, then GAD and depression. I was baffled since even though I was on all of these meds that were supposed to help I was still drinking every day and the desire to do so was as strong as ever.

Fast-forward about 6 months. Another detox and a physician who actually knew something about addiction. He told me flat out- "when an alcoholic is actively drinking I can confidently diagnose them with all sorts of actual mental disorders, although I do not since a huge part of the time the problem is the alcohol."

Years later I now know that I don't suffer any worse than the average guy. Those symptoms that led to my multiple diagnoses are totally gone. They left when I stopped drinking. They haven't been back. I haven't cut myself or been in handcuffs in an ambulance ever since. I haven't done any of the crazy stuff that I did before.

anattaboy

TDG I too relapsed when everything was seemingly perfect in my life-once after 8 yrs. Everything has been said. The pain is immense but passes and we never have to go there again. I kinda like your "chop-wood-carry-water" attitude when it comes to your work too (I'm a framing carpenter) so I know you want to get back to that. Any which way you can brother. Peace...

Soberwolf

TDG there's no shame jump back on the horse but I think you already have tbh you got rid of the drink you made a new apt like someone said

Keep posting your story is going to inspire thousands