hatelife1

I don't exactly hate life. Its just how I feel at the moment. Not sure where to turn or vent and this may be the wrong site. I have been with an alcoholic for almost 3 years and I am now 20 weeks pregnant. Every weekend he binges and we fight and its unhealthy for my baby now and will be in the future. He says every time he sobers up he wants to change, recognizes its affecting his whole life in all negative ways, but still continues to binge and be a total different person under the influence. I dont have anyone to say this too and I feel wrong for thinking it, but he is making me hate this choice of keeping this baby. I am not even sure if I love it yet because I dont want this life of drinking. And a baby means it wont go away for a least 18 years. I feel so full of regret and hate myself right now and him for treating me in a disrespectful way in a relationship. Alcohol is his number one priority. How can I walk away when I do not want to be a single mom but continue to stay and be miserable?

feeling-good

I have no word of advice but wanted to give you

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum, you are definitely in the right place!!

SR is full of support and advice, the important thing is for you to look after you in all of this, looking in on an alcoholic from the sidelines can be very isolating and frustrating, it can affect your whole life, but you'll find loads of people here that understand the nature of alcoholism.

We also have a friends and family section, which is also worth checking out, that has very specific information for family members of an alcoholic, and many people that can offer specific advice on your situation!!

You are not alone in all of this!!

WhoIsHe

Have you thought about giving your baby up for adoption? That could give him/her a good life, and give you the opportunity to get your life straightened out. It's clear that neither you nor your baby should be with this man, and if you're addicted to alcohol how could you care for a child?
Sending you blessings...

snakes

That is a really difficult situation and certainly a baby is not going to make it easier. Are you also drinking? I don't think it is a good environment for a child to grow up in. If you do want to keep the baby and not give it up for adoption, or even if you want to give it up for adoption, you probably do need to get away from this man. He has to want to get better on his own and maybe he just isn't ready yet.

I know so many people who are so wanting to have children but cannot for one reason or another. You are not alone. I hope you keep posting and know you do have support here.

soberjuly

I stayed with a man because of a pregnancy. We were already married but I knew I had to get out. I didn't. I thought I should give it a try. Gosh, nothing changed, just got worse.

Anyhow, that baby is now 13 and I have pick him up. I will read more later but current hubby is glaring at me on this site so I think I need to stay off for a bit.

As far as giving the child up for adoption, the problem is you spend 9 months with the baby growing inside and it's a huge attachment and then after it is born...I don't know, that's a hard call. Not an easy decision.

Spinach

Good luck I'm sure you know what you need to do especially for yourself.
Don't be too hard on yourself, you do not have to be any of your fears. Find someone to talk to about your relationship and about your pregnancy.
Love John.

Anna

I'm so sorry that you are going through this situation. Being pregnant can be challenging physically and you need to use your energy to care for yourself and your baby. You need to do some hard thinking on what to do. There are choices and none of them is likely going to be easy. If you stay together, then possibly there will be a family scenario for you and the child, but that's unlikely due to the alcoholism. If you leave, you will be a single mom and you will face the emotional and physical upbringing of your child on your own. And, it would be very hard to put the child up for adoption at birth. There would be the hope that the child would have a loving family, but it would be hard for you.

Do you have any family members who would offer financial or physical support to you and your child?

Please know that we understand how terribly hard this is, and you can always come here and talk, and feel free to PM me anytime. I'm always around.

autumn2

I would set ground rules a.s.a.p. Tell him things have to be different with the baby coming. If I had of stood my ground I think my dh would have quit the drugs, But, I didn't. I kept letting it go on. It was too much work for me to actually pack up all my stuff and leave.

In hindsight,it would actually been a lot less work than the current. Fights and arguments everyday about the pills. Continuous anger him going around messed up all the time.

I think I've just got use to things. Which is not a healthy way to live life. Sometimes a relationship can become addictive also. You know they are so many reasons to leave,but continue to stay.

As far as adoption, that is also an option. But, you will have to be 100% positive that is what you want or you will live the rest of your life in regret.

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. It's emotionally exhausting.

Nowsthetime

Be aware that nothing is going to change unless he really wants to and sometimes by forgiving you are enabling him. You must set rules and crack your whip. You mean business. Your baby is being made and you need tranquility and good thoughts not stress and negativity. It is really hard even more when you're pregnant but remember that you have to make your life how you want it. I send you good vibes...

hatelife1

Thank you to everyone who lent advice, I was not expecting that at all. I do want to say, I myself am NOT drinking and just want to make that clear. I also want to stress that I do have support and family and friends are over joyed about the new baby, it just sometimes seems hard to join in when my weekends are filled with fighting over drinking. Its so seems so strange I can have a great boyfriend during the week and once Friday or Saturday comes, something switches and the drinking starts. We are in our 30's, should know right from wrong. I am afraid of being judged or embarrassed to talk to anyone about the problems, considering the problems were happening before baby is coming as well. This child will be loved, very much so, I am maybe feeling a hard time connecting due to stress? I know I will have to do what I have to do to protect my child and give them the best living environment possible. I will be thinking of the positive thoughts sent my way, I thank everyone again for letting me get this off my chest.

ReadyAtLast

Welcome to SR. He won't stop drinking until and unless he truly wants to. Nothing you say or do or even a baby won't make him stop unless he wants to. All you can do is provide the best loving , living environment for you and your child. Growing up with a loving, decent single mum is way better for a child than living with an abusive,alcoholic father whose first priority is alcohol.

MythOfSisyphus

Welcome, hatelife1. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. As others have said it's impossible to force a change on someone that doesn't want to make one. He says one thing but his actions speak to something else. I think the best thing is to be firm and set some boundaries. You have to protect yourself and your baby. Like you say, you may not want to be a single mother but you also don't want your child to grow up around a drunk.

Meraviglioso

I was thrilled when I became pregnant, despite being in very much the wrong relationship. The father of my children was emotionally abusive and completely unsupportive during my pregnancy and after my first birth when I suffered massively from post partum depression.
I want to tell you a few things
1. the father of my children was a horror to me, I was so worried that he would be horrible to our children as well. This is not the case, he is the most wonderful father I could ever imagine my children having. We are now separated and have a good co-parenting relationship. It is possible to get out and create a positive life for your child.
2. I heard almost every mother on planet earth describe a feeling of "love at first sight" upon the birth of their children. When I did not experience this with either of my children I was deeply worried. Right now you have a child growing inside of you, who is a part of you, yes. Bt you have not met this child yet. Don't question your feelings for this child too much. Real, true, deep love times time to develop. I think you need to know the other person. I found this to be true for my children too. I loved them in the parental sense, but did not feel this overwhelming feeling of true love at first sight that so many other mothers described. I thought something was wrong with me. I thought I was a horrible mother for not feeling this. I found my love for both my children grew over time, just as other loves grow inside us. I now love both of them completely. It is possible for this love to grow.
Best of luck to you, you need it with an alcoholic partner and only you know what is best (leaving him, staying with him, adoption, etc) but I wanted to give you some things to consider from my own experiences.

KDBnSLC

I would suggest seeing a therapist with or without your boyfriend.

Gronk

I'll leave the relationship stuff to the professionals here....regarding the kid......here is one from LEFT field.........

I mean it is way out there.........

Go to the book store......buy a couple/three of your FAVORITE children's books from when you were a kid.

When it is just the "two" of you around......read them out loud......a lot.

I read books to my son for months and months. I felt like I knew him when he was born. Sounds crazy.....probably because it is...I wish I had video of me hunched over on the couch reading to my wife's bare belly......(I told you it was way out there)

FeenixxRising

Welcome hatelife. You may want to spend some time at the "Friends and Family" sub-forum. There are many people there who can relate to what you're going through. I hope things work out for the best.