Just need to have my say.

Old 08-23-2014, 01:06 PM
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Unhappy Just need to have my say.

Hi.
I am new to the forum..and I am unsure of what it is that I want from it tbh. Maybe to just be heard (or read), my heart is feeling heavy and having the conversations with myself just is not doing it for me any more.

About myself, I am 25 and a student - going into my second year of psychology and counselling soon. Not much else to say really. My partner of seven years has just recently began getting help for his alcohol issues.

And I am really struggling to keep a level head about it all. I have been through a lot with him, he has been through a lot with himself. Previous mental health issues which came to the forefront when we first got together have engulfed our relationship, we have not really moved anywhere as a couple as all focus has been on his mental health. I have tried to keep things for myself such as university, or work, or college. But that has still been affected by the things which he has been going through. Now please do not think that I begrudge any of this. I dont, I made clear decisions to stick by him through all of this.

But alcohol has by far been my biggest issue with him..him on a personal level, from the time which we got together. I have spent a lot of time trying to explain to him how his drinking is affecting us, and him, what a strain it puts on me...seven years down the line and he has looked for help. He is currently on medication for cravings, and attending a recovery program etc etc.

...I just cant let any of the past go..and the stubborn-ness inside of me says "why should I?". He has done things which I cannot forgive him for, and has said things which have really hurt. But that is what he does when he drinks, he says things which he knows will break me. He ALWAYS apologises when he sobers up, but this does not give me any comfort. When we are arguing about his drinking he does the usual "its your fault, no wonder I drink" and I KNOW that this is all words. Or the emotional blackmail "well I just go back to drinking like I was"...This winds me up the most.

We argued the day before yesterday because I KNOW that he has had a drink (he seems to forget that I dont need him to say "yes I have", I know the moment that he walks through the door). This blew up into a huge argument which got changed around on me and why I am a bad person. I never get my say, because he shouts harder. louder and meaner than I do. So, it ended with us "breaking up" and he "will be leaving the house on monday" we havent spoken since. Part of me hates myself for not saying what I know he needs to hear, and putting down his cr***y excuses for why he has had a drink AGAIN and tried to hide it from me, or has taken money out of my account AGAIN because he wanted a drink. But I dont want to make him feel the way that he makes me feel when he does it to me.

He says to me that I dont understand what it is like (I will admit I am pretty pig headed about it "just stop drinking".....but trust me I know the science behind it and I have read countless studies and explanations about the disease. Can guarantee he has not done the same about the effects it has on those around him though). He is trying hard to stop but sometimes I cant help think that it is just to shut me up, or give him a cover story. He tries to find excuses before he has even messed up. I am at the point where I dont know what he wants from me and I dont know if I have the energy to put up with constant barrage of drama. I love him with all of my heart and soul but the anger that I have for him sometimes makes me think that I am making it worse for him. I am not looking for sympathy, pats on the head and "it will be okays" just dont do anything for me any more. Im just venting I suppose.

Thank You for reading.
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Old 08-23-2014, 06:53 PM
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You know way to much, that this isn't going to work out for you two. Let him walk out that door on Monday and when he is out, come back, let all your pain and suffering out and we will be here to give you insight on how your life can become better again.

You're never going to make him better and it's not your fault. You don't deserve to be yelled at or made to feel responsible. Good Luck. Keep reading. Take care of YOU!
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Old 08-23-2014, 07:03 PM
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We are here for you, we understand, and we support you.

Thank you for sharing...glad you chose us. This is an awesome place.
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Old 08-23-2014, 11:36 PM
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Originally Posted by Nenya View Post
I am not looking for sympathy, pats on the head and "it will be okays" just don't do anything for me any more.
If you're looking for more than pats on the head, you are in the right place, Nenya. There is a lot of tough love and hard-earned wisdom here at SR, and the focus is on you and taking care of yourself, not the A. I hope you find what you're looking for.

I'd suggest reading as much as you can here, especially the stickies at the top of the page. You'll almost surely see yourself in some of the stories and you'll know you're not alone.

Alanon is another great resource, and many here have found that having some face-to-face support in addition to SR is a strong combination.

Wishing you strength and clarity.
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Old 08-23-2014, 11:53 PM
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Sorry you're going though this...I've recently been coming to terms with the fact that my GF of over 2 years is an alcoholic as well...this one sentence struck a chord with me cause it sounded so familiar...

Originally Posted by Nenya View Post
He says to me that I dont understand what it is like
I get that all the time...granted, she's had a rough hand dealt her...chronic illnesses, getting screwed over by guys in the past, etc. But really, that's such an utter BS excuse. No one really understands what it's like to be anyone else, and in the end their self-destructive, addictive behavior is the problem. While it MIGHT be helpful to know their past, to know the reasons "why," putting up with an addict isn't any easier if they suffered some terrible trauma in their life or have had an easy ride the whole way...and the real reason why will always be their addiction. But then again, logic and reason need not apply for addicts.

I'm hoping my GF will seek treatment and we can build a life together, but that hope seems to dwindle on a daily basis. In the end it's up to you to decide when enough is enough and move on.
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Old 08-24-2014, 12:10 AM
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Hi Nenya, welcome to the forum.

Perhaps him going on Monday will be best for both of you though he may try to get round you to stay. Be strong.

You have been his crutch for long enough now it's time to take care of yourself.
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Old 08-24-2014, 12:30 AM
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Hi Nenya,
It's frustrating and sad to be going through this all. I am in a similar situation as you with my 4.5 year husband. I am not at the breaking point yet, so I am choosing to stay at the time. You have to decide for yourself whether you want to continue working on this relationship, or if you have had enough (it is causing too much pain in your life). My prayers are with you.
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Old 08-24-2014, 04:22 AM
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Thank you for all of your words.
I woke today feeling no better than yesterday. We still haven't spoken a word to each other, instead turning our backs to each other if we have to pass by one another. My heart is feeling very heavy. Everytime I see him or hear him pass close by, I tear up and breakdown when he can't her or see me. I don't want this to be it , I really don't. i want our happy ending. I don't mean to sound pathetic. You all generally have the hard attitude towards it (I do not mean any offence by this, I know everyone has a story, and experiences). He is all I have known gore all of my adult life, and his alcohol stuff is all I would change. Maybe Im naive.
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Old 08-24-2014, 10:15 AM
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He is trying hard to stop


hmmm, really? think you might be giving him a little too much credit there. it concerns me how he turns on you and makes it al your fault. it's not. you are in now way responsible for his drinking. he just uses you as yet another EXCUSE.

it's sad but him leaving is probably for the best. for you. we can only swim in the toxic stew for so long before we begin to flounder and drown. you are very young and this is a damaging unhealthy situation. just cuz we love people doesn't mean they are good for us.......
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Old 08-24-2014, 11:16 AM
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Originally Posted by Nenya View Post
Maybe Im naive.
Yeah, but then we're all naive before we go through something, and by the time we've gone through it we don't need to go through it again :=] Give yourself a break, please. It will make sense sometime soon.

Maybe you're going through a 'shock' period, ya know, when something major happens and things don't make any kind of sense for a few days. Whatever you decide to do, be kind to yourself :=]
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