schnappi99

3. Our sight, once clouded and confused, will clear and we will be able to perceive reality and recognize truth.

I've been feeling kind of bummed out in meetings the last few weeks- just having problems coming up with something to say. Its not that I don't have things I'd like to share, but that I begin to realize how deeply and often I've betrayed myself with the codependence, fear, anger etc.. at this point I'm feeling reluctant to speak because I don't trust my opinions. I've also felt the return of some of the debilitating shyness that I recall dating back to teenage years.

Its a curious thing... on one hand I recognize an increasing awareness, on the other I wonder if this speaks to the child-of-alcoholic issues and related neglect that I am slowly getting to in the step 4 work.

I do better one-on-one, there are a couple other members in my homegroup working 4th step stuff and I value shop-talk with them. I think this topic is something I want to share in an upcoming meeting- silence feels like being stuck- writing this does help me compose my thoughts... thanks for listening

Ann

Schnappi, I went through several times like this early in my recovery. I think it was because I was un-stuffing feelings and thoughts that had been buried for so long and I felt very raw and vulnerable, so became shy and withdrawn a little as I worked though it all.

It's hard to share stuff that "we" don't know how to deal with or even express properly.

What helped me sometimes was to just begin...and let the words come. People at my meetings understood if I struggled to express it properly. The important thing was that I was expressing it at all.

Thanks for this reminder today. It's good for me to be aware of why I withdraw, even today, sometimes when I am struggling with expressing my feelings.

Hugs

Neagrm

Silence is okay; at times we need to just be quiet, rest, listen, absorb, process, and fill the well. What you wrote tells me lots of work is going on "behind the scenes." It takes time to incubate and percolate :-). There will come a day when you'll have the energy to speak.

You'll share important experience, strength and hope with the group even if you simply read aloud your statement, "I've been feeling kind of bummed out in meetings the last few weeks- just having problems coming up with something to say...."

Keep coming back...

schnappi99

Thanks all, I have shared about this a couple times in the last 2 weeks- first time was really bad- anxiety, twitching etc. but I did it anyway. The sharing didn't come around to me, I volunteered at the last call. What got me over the top was another guy who mentioned how nervous he was too.. .if he can then I can. After the meeting he mentioned how much he appreciated someone else saying sharing was tough... liked that.

A speaker we had last month proposed that a way one can handle this issues is to keep sharing about them, keep at the work and opening up.

irisgardens

schnappi99--your post above fits me in some ways...and you just left me the perfect support for today...I can be reticent in sharing...as a business woman...there is so much focus on the 'right thing' and 'wrong thing' to say...but I have been sharing at the f2f naranon meetings I started 4 weeks ago...and the feelings are pretty overwhelmed...and I am not compartmentalizing very well...but I am posting and your post helped me so much...because I listen well to many people...but have a hard time knowing what to do for myself when it is recovery....glad to see two sides of the same coin and to know that we all have our way...and that it can be okay...whichever mode I am in. I have always wanted certainty as well but have had no success at it...so am hoping that this next deeper layer of recovery for me helps as all the other layers have.

schnappi99

Hey iris- sharing remains difficult for me. I was in my friday mtg the other night, I've been going there since Feb and even still as soon as its my turn (or even if I volunteer) all the words jam up in my head- I'm envious of those who can rattle off a cogent share, staying on point and eloquent about their part in it. But this is nothing new for me, it goes way back. At work, on work topics, I have managed it by thorough preparation, outlines, practice. But expressing myself in alanon about feelings (and I mean actually expressing them instead of discussing events) and more difficult still, trying to offer an opinion has been troublesome. I volunteered to chair a meeting sometime pretty soon, I'm going to try the outline on notecard approach to at least keep on-topic and express the points I want to.

I like your layer idea though, I've experienced several so far- each different, sometimes they are exposed by an event sometimes not.

Which brings to mind something that pops in my head frequently (there being a young daughter in the house...)

Theres a lot more to recovery than you think.
Example?
Uh, recovery is like an onion.
It stinks?
Yes...no!
Oh it makes you cry?
No!
Oh, you leave it out in the sun, gets brown and starts sprouting little white hairs?
No! Layers! Recovery has layers! Onions have layers, Recovery has layers!
Oh, you BOTH have layers etc...

irisgardens

That's awesome schnappi99--peeling back the onion! They even use it in the world of business analysis now...but I know it means me.

Right now, I am sharing from the heart (when I do that...it means I have no idea what I am saying or what I mean)--have done it at a couple of funerals for people I cared about and was told I was articulate...right now...I am just introducing myself and it is blurbling out...the pain, the fear...the overwhelm...everything and some very real examples...a few months ago...I was looking at this site and was fearful to post anything that wouldn't sound ok...the last week (had a huge setback in my own life difficulties and feeling overwhelmed and went down with stress and anxiety and fear that I won't get up again (but I do get up...I have always gotten up...but there you go...it is real fear to me)--so this week I have blurbled everywhere and I just hope nobody kicks me out for breaking rules (I am so fearful of breaking rules that I think everybody else knows but that I don't)--and I need to be here...just as I needed to be at the naranon meeting this week...and I am blurbling...and don't know if it will help or it is the wrong thing.

So, funny thing...my therapist last week told me to go to tons of alanon meetings (that seems impossible to me today but I know I internalize and will start trying in my HP's order)--and she told me it was ok to hate them (she is a codependency/addiction therapist and used back in her day)--and that it was perfectly fine to hate them and stay quiet (which I have always been a talker...but just getting to these meeting(s) 1 at a time is going to take a lot--it took me 4 weeks to get myself to the naranon meeting...so she said that these will help me even if I hate everything I hear and if I don't say a word.

Well, thought I could pass this along to you...because right now the only words I have are anxiety, fear, some of my examples (already on other posts) of what I need to deal with and overwhelm. I am finding that some days it is just better for me to read the posts here and post thank you. It is really odd...because I was always a talker...but I don't trust what I am saying right now...so trying to be more silent.

Maybe it's okay (I think it is...about you...and so in saying this...I am saying something that I have to listen to as well)--to just communicate in our natural style...sometimes it's listening and sometimes it's talking and our HP will let us know when each is appropriate. I have spent years thinking of the 'right things to say', the 'right times to say it'...and I feel as if you are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing when you do it...and the worst part of this for me (laugh) is that when I mention someone to somebody else...I need to listen to it myself...and I am struggling to do that...but will try.

Well, lifting a glass of water to peeling the onion!

Neagrm

"Burbling." Thanks for that word. Now I have a word for what I did this week. I've been Al-Anon for years and years, worked the program and therapy, etc. for years and years. So. Lots of experience and wisdom, right? Ha!

This past week I went to a meeting, usually lots of people, and due to weather there were less than a handful of us and all long-timers. Because of the small group, it felt more intimate. There was also a lot more time for sharing, lol. I felt safe with them and shared a bit.

Later, after the meeting, I suddenly began thinking. The Word Police leaped into my head and gave me hell; what you said was sooo stupid; you sounded like a naive idiot; what the heck got into me? why in the world did I say what I said? etc. I wanted to call up those few friends and apologize for my motor mouth, for temporarily forgetting everything I knew. Into the Mud Puddle of Shame I went. I heartily wished I'd never said a word; wished I'd given myself time to process more before I spoke aloud.

Fortunately, after a moment I stepped back to kindly chuckle at myself. Then gave myself a gentle talk. Reminded myself, these people unconditionally accept and love you. What they think is not your business in any case. You've been under a lot of stress lately; you're human. You don't have to be perfect. You are okay.

The beauty of my burble is that ... in only a few minutes, in the wisdom and hope, the sharing and support from those around me at the meeting ... I regained clarity and insight and was grounded in serenity once more. I was also humbled by the experience and let go of some arrogance that might have been creeping in unnoticed by me. Observing my inner reaction illuminated something -- little triggers can still throw me right back into childhood patterns of thinking. It was an opportunity to practice self compassion, which I really really need to work on and develop thoroughly.

I'm glad I did some burbling. I received the insight and support I needed to get back on track in my program. I gained the perspective I'd lost sight of. My anxiety over all I carelessly revealed to those safe people, goes way back. The difference now is, I can show up for myself, not abandon myself to the "wolves" lurking in my head. I needed my friends, needed my burbling, to get to a better place.

Something about your post and the wisdom shared above, really speaks to me today. Thanks for listening! Keep on burbling! It works!

irisgardens

Thanks Neagrm...am an overachiever and trying to get my recovery back on that...and your blurble works too!

schnappi99

My "word police" show up just before I start to share, I get confused lose my train of though etc and then get embarrassed by it which makes things worse. I recently shared something of my experience at a Buddhist discussion group, I prepared by writing out what I wanted to say- then read that in front of the group which really helped. But I also noticed some tendencies in myself before the meeting- I tend to stir up my emotions and things get lurid & intense; in effect creating my own fear and feeding off it. But its just speaking in front of a group, not charging across a battlefield under machinegun fire, there isn't anything worthy of fear- so self-care suggests I should not be working up my emotions.

Its funny how often working my program amounts to seeing the next right thing to do for self care, sometimes its not what I think & I have to learn what it is. And it really makes me think my recovery needs to amount to a fundamental transformation of my attitude- to find these self-destructive tendencies and do things differently.

Thanks all...

irisgardens

schnappi99--can so relate to what you say...sometimes when I post...I stir up so much in me...or I am writing from a possibly too emotional place...but I think the way you post and share...and I consider myself lucky after having posted (when it is really emotional...I sometimes need a few days to calm down and internalize)--or shared...that it is good for me...and that I have released something (usually don't know what it is but it is good). So I keep doing it when I need to. I know what you mean about 'word police'...and just know that you have support. you are doing an awesome job and your posts especially help me.

schnappi99

Thx iris- I'm always glad to read your posts as well... Realizing that stuff about how I stir up my own fear etc was most helpful. I've been paused in my 4th step work for a month or so sort of waiting and watching to see why I was so relieved to be finished answering the self-worth questions from Blueprint. Getting over that speaking-to-a-group hump seemed to do it... so now on to the section on fear. A quick preview of that last night showed plenty of interesting questions lol.

irisgardens

That is awesome schnappi99--and your share really helped me too.