not sure if I'm in the right place.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 4
not sure if I'm in the right place.
Wow! Writing the title that my husband is an alcoholic is very confronting!
I'm a mum of two beautiful young children and married to a highly functioning alcoholic. It is only tonight that I have finally begun to allow my mind to play around with that term.
I know my husband does not want to do what he does to me (he's not abusive, I'm just referring to the impact of his drinking on me and the babies) but he still does it regardless. This has lead me to the idea that he really is sick.
My husband is very successful and his drinking has been minimised by his family and friends for years. In fact they joke about how drunk he gets (its quite a strong drinking culture with his parents and friends) and vomits. His industry is also known to have a strong drinking culture and in fact it was a work function he was at today/tonight that has brought this to a head.
I'm just at the very early stages of this understanding (although his drinking has been a problem for several years) and am not sure how I'm even going to handle the sutuation tomorrow once he has sobered up.
I am so incredibly sad for my babies, myself and my husband. This revelation is like a big smack in the face. I'm afraid for my family and don't want to lose it but I'm not sure there is any way around it.
I don't really know who to turn to and feel like all our friends are aware of the problem but I'm reluctant to keep putting this on others to deal with.
Just hoping to hear that there are others like me out there in the world I guess...
I'm a mum of two beautiful young children and married to a highly functioning alcoholic. It is only tonight that I have finally begun to allow my mind to play around with that term.
I know my husband does not want to do what he does to me (he's not abusive, I'm just referring to the impact of his drinking on me and the babies) but he still does it regardless. This has lead me to the idea that he really is sick.
My husband is very successful and his drinking has been minimised by his family and friends for years. In fact they joke about how drunk he gets (its quite a strong drinking culture with his parents and friends) and vomits. His industry is also known to have a strong drinking culture and in fact it was a work function he was at today/tonight that has brought this to a head.
I'm just at the very early stages of this understanding (although his drinking has been a problem for several years) and am not sure how I'm even going to handle the sutuation tomorrow once he has sobered up.
I am so incredibly sad for my babies, myself and my husband. This revelation is like a big smack in the face. I'm afraid for my family and don't want to lose it but I'm not sure there is any way around it.
I don't really know who to turn to and feel like all our friends are aware of the problem but I'm reluctant to keep putting this on others to deal with.
Just hoping to hear that there are others like me out there in the world I guess...
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Welcome to the Forum outtamydepth!! 
Here is just fine for posting!!
The addiction of alcohol can be pretty selfish, facilitating drinking regardless of the consequences to others, whether it be family, kids, health, job, driving licence etc, but bear in mind an alcoholic doesn't have to be down and out to have a problem, that is where the term "functioning" comes from I guess!!
Support for you is very important looking in from the outside, you'll find loads here on SR, we also have a family and friends section too, which may be worth checking out, there's loads of advice that might be useful!!
Here is just fine for posting!!
The addiction of alcohol can be pretty selfish, facilitating drinking regardless of the consequences to others, whether it be family, kids, health, job, driving licence etc, but bear in mind an alcoholic doesn't have to be down and out to have a problem, that is where the term "functioning" comes from I guess!!
Support for you is very important looking in from the outside, you'll find loads here on SR, we also have a family and friends section too, which may be worth checking out, there's loads of advice that might be useful!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 4
Thanks so much. I really could do with the support because I just don't know what to do. It's very isolating. I'll go and have a read of the family and friends section. Thanks for the heads up. I'm obviously a bit fragile because your kind words have brought me to tears. Thanks again.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Originally Posted by outtamydepth 
Hi, I'm hoping I'm posting in the right spot.
I'm a mum of two beautiful young children and married to a highly functioning alcoholic. It is only tonight that I have finally begun to allow my mind to play around with that term.
I know my husband does not want to do what he does to me (he's not abusive, I'm just referring to the impact of his drinking on me and the babies) but he still does it regardless. This has lead me to the idea that he really is sick.
I'm just at the very early stages of this (although his drinking has been a problem for several years) and am not sure how I'm even going to handle the sutuation tomorrow once he has sobered up.
I don't really know who to turn to and feel like all our friends are aware of the problem but I'm reluctant to keep putting this on others to deal with.
Just hoping to hear that there are others like me out there in the world I guess...
I'm a mum of two beautiful young children and married to a highly functioning alcoholic. It is only tonight that I have finally begun to allow my mind to play around with that term.
I know my husband does not want to do what he does to me (he's not abusive, I'm just referring to the impact of his drinking on me and the babies) but he still does it regardless. This has lead me to the idea that he really is sick.
I'm just at the very early stages of this (although his drinking has been a problem for several years) and am not sure how I'm even going to handle the sutuation tomorrow once he has sobered up.
I don't really know who to turn to and feel like all our friends are aware of the problem but I'm reluctant to keep putting this on others to deal with.
Just hoping to hear that there are others like me out there in the world I guess...
I would suggest as people reply to you read some of there past threads. If they post one thing and seem to do another, take away what you think may help with those who offer some apparent quality in their sobriety.
All the stated, I am in my mid 50's and have only been sober for 76 days. I do have some comments for you, but take them viewed through the lens of who I am. The reason I am responding to you is I stayed a high bottom/functioning alcoholic for many years. Or, so I thought.......
In hindsight a drunk/wet brain typically makes poor decisions. Sometimes we would get it right, but sober decisions effecting those who we love around us - even it incorrect - are apt to be done more in the light of reasonable and responsible choices.
PK stated seek help for yourself. He is correct. You will find myself and others here that will post - you cannot help him unless he is WILLING. Until such time, there is little you can do except avoidance of enablement. You can learn those tools and calmly explain that and boundaries to him as you come to understand their meaning.
My wife, for whatever reasons ( she rarely drinks ) has stayed with me for over 31 years during my drinking. We raised 3 wonderful kids - they are doing well in life.
HOWEVER, as I reflect - what resentments and messed up things have I buried in their psyche? When will these come to the surface??
There is no doubt whatsoever that I did things, said things that were stupid and cruel. Not all of it, as I am a loving person. But, on the margin - I could have done so much more and our family would have been so much better off. I am NOT talking about anything material.
Well, that's all I have for you - take what works, and leave what does not.
Peace to you and your Family
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by Flynbuy
As Pk posted - you have found the right place. Lot's of good advice/sobriety - and some maybe not so good. I guess you get what ya pay for!
I would suggest as people reply to you read some of there past threads. If they post one thing and seem to do another, take away what you think may help with those who offer some apparent quality in their sobriety.
All the stated, I am in my mid 50's and have only been sober for 76 days. I do have some comments for you, but take them viewed through the lens of who I am. The reason I am responding to you is I stayed a high bottom/functioning alcoholic for many years. Or, so I thought.......
In hindsight a drunk/wet brain typically makes poor decisions. Sometimes we would get it right, but sober decisions effecting those who we love around us - even it incorrect - are apt to be done more in the light of reasonable and responsible choices.
PK stated seek help for yourself. He is correct. You will find myself and others here that will post - you cannot help him unless he is WILLING. Until such time, there is little you can do except avoidance of enablement. You can learn those tools and calmly explain that and boundaries to him as you come to understand their meaning.
My wife, for whatever reasons ( she rarely drinks ) has stayed with me for over 31 years during my drinking. We raised 3 wonderful kids - they are doing well in life.
HOWEVER, as I reflect - what resentments and messed up things have I buried in their psyche? When will these come to the surface??
There is no doubt whatsoever that I did things, said things that were stupid and cruel. Not all of it, as I am a loving person. But, on the margin - I could have done so much more and our family would have been so much better off. I am NOT talking about anything material.
Well, that's all I have for you - take what works, and leave what does not.
Peace to you and your Family
I would suggest as people reply to you read some of there past threads. If they post one thing and seem to do another, take away what you think may help with those who offer some apparent quality in their sobriety.
All the stated, I am in my mid 50's and have only been sober for 76 days. I do have some comments for you, but take them viewed through the lens of who I am. The reason I am responding to you is I stayed a high bottom/functioning alcoholic for many years. Or, so I thought.......
In hindsight a drunk/wet brain typically makes poor decisions. Sometimes we would get it right, but sober decisions effecting those who we love around us - even it incorrect - are apt to be done more in the light of reasonable and responsible choices.
PK stated seek help for yourself. He is correct. You will find myself and others here that will post - you cannot help him unless he is WILLING. Until such time, there is little you can do except avoidance of enablement. You can learn those tools and calmly explain that and boundaries to him as you come to understand their meaning.
My wife, for whatever reasons ( she rarely drinks ) has stayed with me for over 31 years during my drinking. We raised 3 wonderful kids - they are doing well in life.
HOWEVER, as I reflect - what resentments and messed up things have I buried in their psyche? When will these come to the surface??
There is no doubt whatsoever that I did things, said things that were stupid and cruel. Not all of it, as I am a loving person. But, on the margin - I could have done so much more and our family would have been so much better off. I am NOT talking about anything material.
Well, that's all I have for you - take what works, and leave what does not.
Peace to you and your Family
I really identified with your comment about how much better off your family could have been.
I plan to go to my first Alanon meeting this week to start trying to sort my head out and figure out what I'm going to do. Thanks again, it's reassuring to know I'm not alone.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Originally Posted by outtamydepth
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me. Its interesting to hear from someone on that side of the problem. I can't tell you how relieved I was to read the comment about your children being fine. It is such a great fear of mine that they won't be.
I really identified with your comment about how much better off your family could have been.
I plan to go to my first Alanon meeting this week to start trying to sort my head out and figure out what I'm going to do. Thanks again, it's reassuring to know I'm not alone.
I really identified with your comment about how much better off your family could have been.
I plan to go to my first Alanon meeting this week to start trying to sort my head out and figure out what I'm going to do. Thanks again, it's reassuring to know I'm not alone.
I will say my youngest child is turning 18 today - his siblings are several years older. The youngest one is/was affected the most as I continued to spiral. Of all my kids, I have THE most remorse about him.
BUT, in a very short period of time - without any promises from me about quitting, or things will get better - I now see hope and joy in his eyes where there was despair and distrust.
My final piece of advice that is a work in progress - whether AA or Al-anon - look for HOW YOUR STORY IS SIMIALAR TO OTHERS AND NOT DIFFERENT. Do not judge in short periods of time......keep your mind open to the possibilities.
It is apparent you love your family - Many times, without lectures to our loved ones - the care and change they see in us starts the ball rolling......
Take care - and keep coming back....
It works, if you work it.....(or it hurts, then it works!)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 4
I'm not sure what, if anything is going to work for my husband such is the strength of his denial (and the disease I think!). I do love my family more than anything but I'm so afraid that there's no way of keeping us together because of the alcoholism.
I think I just have to figure out what I'm going to do to protect myself and our kids and then lay it out for him and leave him to it.I understand I can't do it for him but it's hard feeling so powerless about the destructing of my family.
Good on you for making the changes you are. Your babies are always your babies and is not too late to love them the way you always wish you had. Keep going!
I think I just have to figure out what I'm going to do to protect myself and our kids and then lay it out for him and leave him to it.I understand I can't do it for him but it's hard feeling so powerless about the destructing of my family.
Good on you for making the changes you are. Your babies are always your babies and is not too late to love them the way you always wish you had. Keep going!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
You are definitely in the right place. The RAs always have great insight, and here in friends and family you will find many of us who have been in your situation.
If you're looking for real life support beyond immediate family and friends, Alanon meetings are a great place to find it, so you are on the right track already.
Take care and keep posting. We are here for you.
If you're looking for real life support beyond immediate family and friends, Alanon meetings are a great place to find it, so you are on the right track already.
Take care and keep posting. We are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Welcome to SR--I hope you find the help you're looking for.
I'd recommend reading here as much as you can, to begin with--I feel sure you'll see yourself in others' stories and know that you are far from alone. Make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. There is a lot of wisdom there. This thread from the stickies might be helpful for starters: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I've also found Alanon to be a great resource for face-to-face help; between Alanon and SR, I've learned a lot and gotten a lot of support. This link http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ will help you find a meeting if you're interested.
Learn as much as you can about alcoholism, and bear in mind the Alanon saying about "the 3 C's": You didn't Cause the drinking, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it. As you learn more, you'll start to see your path more clearly.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
I'd recommend reading here as much as you can, to begin with--I feel sure you'll see yourself in others' stories and know that you are far from alone. Make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. There is a lot of wisdom there. This thread from the stickies might be helpful for starters: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I've also found Alanon to be a great resource for face-to-face help; between Alanon and SR, I've learned a lot and gotten a lot of support. This link http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ will help you find a meeting if you're interested.
Learn as much as you can about alcoholism, and bear in mind the Alanon saying about "the 3 C's": You didn't Cause the drinking, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it. As you learn more, you'll start to see your path more clearly.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
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