PinkCloudsCharley

I'm slowly realizing that he is not going to get better. This thing is going to steal him and he's going to go willingly with it. I miss my family. I miss my husband. Things are never going to be the way they used to be, before the drinking started.

I am so very scared and so very sad. I think I'm in mourning. I thought he was different. I thought he was stronger. And i thought his family and our marriage meant more to him. I'm beginning to think I was wrong. I am not enough for him, i will never be what alcohol is to him. It kills me somewhere inside.

I'm very sad tonight.

smc92va

I understand that feeling. I'm so sorry for your pain- no one should have to experience the roller coaster, soul crushing sadness experienced when loving an addict. His love of alcohol has nothing to do with you- he is sick with a chronic disease that stole his soul. I know the feeling of "it having nothing to do with you" is also so very sad. When you feel in love with him - it felt like everything would be great bc you had someone to go through life with. A soul mate, a best friend. Hopefully he will hit bottom and want to get sober on his own- on his own is the only way it will ever work. Try going to support groups like Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. They have really, really helped me. Also, seeing a private therapist is also very helpful. Let yourself be sad tonight bc understandably, you feel as if you are grieving. But try not to stay there. Plan things to do tomorrow that will keep you busy and occupied. Happy things- like a massage, spa day, lunch with a trusted friend, a milkshake, a bike ride- anything that you enjoy and will occupy your time. And look for a Al-anon meeting to go to tomorrow. And keep coming here to SR, because you are not alone with your experience. I will be sending you positive and good vibes and please understand that his choice is not a reflection on you or his feelings for you.....it's a reflection of the disease. Hugs

Dojang

You need to stop thinking you aren't enough for him. It has nothing to do with you, your family or your marriage. I spent a long time thinking the same thing & it destroyed my self-esteem. Go to Al Anon & read everything you can about alcoholism. It's not you, it's the disease. Please don't blame yourself like I did. I know how hard that is, I have been there. I beat myself up for a long time. But I finally realized his alcoholism has nothing to do with me. I hope you can see that too.

healthyagain

Hugs to you and please try not to be sad. It is not that you are not enough; it is just that his list of priorities is a bit messed up. He is sick. He is blind. He does not recognize love that only a human being can give. He is not capable of appreciating it. You must stay strong, educate yourself about the disease. It truly helps.

PinkCloudsCharley

Thank you , everyone. I think the realization of this has really hurt. It's so hard to not believe that it's not me. I feel like, if i could only be more (fill in the blank with just about everything) but I will never be enough. Not to him.

When we got married, alcohol wasn't a problem. It wasn't even on the radar. How could I let this happen to us? To me? How could he let it go this far?

Rationally i know this is a disease. Emotionally this is another woman who has stolen my husband's heart.
I always thought he was better than this. I thought we were better than this.

The future scares the crap out of me.

Stung

Emotionally I know it feels like your husband is choosing something over you, but he's not. He's choosing alcohol over himself. Alcoholism is so ridiculously selfish that he really probably does not consider how his drinking makes you feel or effects you and if he does it probably makes him feel ashamed or guilty or angry - all of which are "good" reasons to drink more.

I have felt exactly like you feel now and I can tell you that it does get better. Maybe not for him but it does for YOU! I have gone to absurd lengths to control my husband and prevent him from drinking and monitoring his behaviors and actions to tell what he's doing. All for naught. He still drinks (although he is trying to stop). But I know it has absolutely nothing to do with me. Your husband isn't drinking at you or because of you or the lack of anything that you could possibly be or do. His drinking is 100,000% all about him. It's that simple.

Also, don't be too hard on yourself. Alcoholism is a crazy disease. My take on it is that my husband could be compulsively drinking vodka or bleach and it would have the same outcome, he's slowly, slowly poisoning himself. I just cannot understand having the desire to bring such ruin to your life and then to actually do it over and over and over again to the point of destruction. It really is baffling. And he has a high paying career, beautiful children, an uber controlling but otherwise nice wife and we were vacationing at Four Seasons resorts twice a year and a beautiful home, exclusive health club, lots of (similarly alcoholic) friends. Alcoholism effects people of all classes, races, and intelligence levels. It doesn't discriminate and it is thoroughly destructive to every family it touches.

Timeiskey

I had to give my ex abf an ultimatum...didn't realize I was doing so by telling him that the drinking was interfering with our relationship and that I needed him to moderate...but that request- in his mind- was unacceptable. I told him repeatedly that he was choosing alcohol over our relationship as it was ending and he just wouldn't process it...once, he told me, "well, its not just that, its my way of life that I am choosing", which is about what? hmmmm, let's think about this...

At first, I felt the same way- that I wasn't enough- that I had lost my temper and that made me less valuable in our relationship, that I hadn't been cool enough to handle his last binge in a way that would have been more acceptable to him...but it isn't about me making a wrong move after his ridiculous behavior. It is about him choosing- or being compelled- to drink. I had a little of the same jealousy over the alcohol too, but it doesn't speak to my value and not to your value either, but to how little your hubby values himself right now. Try not to internalize his addiction and process it as an equation to your value, none of this is fair, but people on SR have reminded me over and over again to be gentle to myself and I suggest the same for you HUGS.

NYCDoglvr

My heart goes out to you, a big hug. It may help to understand that for active alcoholics, booze is their Higher Power, best friend, the most important thing in the world, like oxygen. It's a mental illness and he only thing that works is abstinance. I think you're starting to realize there's nothing you can say or do that will stop him drinking. Now it's time to start saving your own life ... Alanon is a program that saved my sanity and I hope you take advantage of it.