ANewDayNYC

Yesterday after work I drank. It was completely pre-meditated and I made minimal effort to drink in moderation. It was one of the worst drinking nights I ever had. I lost my credit card which I had to cancel. I also lost my cellphone which I replaced this morning. As reckless as my behavior was – I feel completely unbothered by losing the items – I feel strangely detached from it almost as if it never happened. I also had to call in sick to work.

My main feeling right now is a feeling of depression and a deep sense of self-loathing. The main thought in my head right now is “What am I doing with my life?”.

Another strange urge I have is a desire to apologize. I guess I feel I let people down. I also let myself down.

The reason why I drank sounds silly, but basically the thought-pattern was “there is no way you are going to get through football season without drinking, so you might as well start now”.

The whole incident would have a silver lining if it would motivate me to stop drinking. Although I don’t have a desire to drink this weekend, I still have a desire to drink during football season.

I know I am not on the right path right now – it is weird how I realize my destruction yet still feel apathetic about changing. I will commit to Day 1 and another 24 hours, but I think I need to do some major soul-searching.

Soberwolf

Wow

Keep posting don't beat yourself up it's happened it happened to me to

Keep trying we are always here loads of discussions helpful suggestions in no time you get that vital 24 hours its well wortht it

Shake the dust off your shoulder and try again but to be honest by posting you are already helping yourself into that 24h

Good luck stay in touch

doggonecarl

If it's difficult as heck to quit when you are 100% sure about getting sober, it's darn near impossible if you still want to drink.

I hope your soul searching leads you to the committment to seek sobriety. Because this drinking path isn't working out so well.

Good luck.

MrBen

I relapsed a little while ago. Vital for me was not beating myself up- all that would do is make me want to drink. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off on start over, for tomorrow's another day.

PurpleKnight

Draw a line under things and go at it again!!

I found that I could convince myself of anything in isolation, it was just myself and my own thoughts, and so my addiction always got what it wanted, the important thing is to reach out for support to get a second opinion, to short circuit those thought processes!!

Tweak your plan and go from there, you can do this!!

ANewDayNYC

Thank you for the encouraging posts. I decided to 100% commit to sobriety.

IOAA2

Hi. I was taught by the old timers that we have to want to get sober for ourselves first. Perhaps you need some more pain in your life for a push to find out that we don’t get any better than today if we continue to drink. No one else can get you sober so without the desire to push you, be grateful you have today.

BE WELL

oldsoul1122

You made a commitment now stick to it. That's being on the right path. Forgive yourself and move forward.

Anna

We'll be here for you if you decide to stop drinking. In the meantime, I hope you continue to read and learn.

ScottFromWI

That's what it took for me, along with making sobriety my #1 priority over anything else.

Associating drinking with football is merely an excuse your addiction uses. Treat your drinking as a separate issue - once you learn to live sober you can still do nearly all the things you used to do, and enjoy them ( many times even more so ) without drinking.

ANewDayNYC

I just want to say that I am very grateful for this website and the supportive community. Before I relapsed yesterday, I made it to a month which is the longest I had ever been sober. Earlier today I basically weighed the pros and cons, and basically determined that drinking is not worth it. I actually feel a sense of relief knowing that I know what I want to do. I appreciate the help with getting me back on track.

anattaboy

Time and nutrition will help the self loathing. The only thing that made me quit was pain. Drunk for years, Sober for years, then drunk, then sober is a circular pattern. Sober is more linear with ups and downs but you never have to revisit the place you're in right now. Best wishes on remembering how bad you feel right now. The only winners in this game are the the ones who quit.

Inchworm

Im sure you don't want to spend football season in self loathing, NYC. I find my programs and movies much more interesting and fun when I am sober. It's only day 3 for me - again - because the Beast within convinced me that I couldn't go out to dinner without a little something. I didn't even really enjoy the dinner. Have learned that my addictive voice can be really sly and not make much sense at all.

Hobbers

Yeah, I think a lot of us 'Yanks' who are new to this are worried about football season approaching. I know it has crossed my mind more than once, especially as preseason winds down.

The fact is, we/I CAN watch football and not drink. I believe it. I can drink coke. Or Tea. Or hell, Monster/Rockstar. But I don't NEED to drink beer (okay, beer and shots) to watch a game- even one as pitiful and drunk-worthy as my Detroit Lions.

soberclover

I used to think the same about hockey but it was just one of my many excuses as I always had a reason to drink. I really enjoy watching hockey (and football) sober as I can actually remember what I watched.

I also replaced a lot....a lot...of cell phones. I also wrecked my marriage, my car, and my health. Hopefully you don't have to go to that extreme too. Glad you are back on board....literally...stay on the various SR forum boards and you will discover the tools that you need for ongoing sobriety

Nuudawn

Amen. It was basically my 100% "commitment" to sobriety that got me through the last few days. The notion of drinking nipped at my heels repeatedly for days. I just kept doing what I thought was best to do... I posted here. I went to a meeting, I went for walks, I felt my irritation and anxiety and kept looking for not only answers to resolve..but what was causing it...

I got on through...
Ya gotta want it ..even when you don't.

courage2

ANewDayNYC, I'm glad you've decided you want sobriety more than anything else.

Now, I have to ask a couple of questions that might annoy some of you:

1) If you actually enjoy watching football, why do you feel you have to drink to do it? I used to drink to make things that were not enjoyable to me, enjoyable -- work, social events, travel. Things I actually enjoy I did not have to drink through and haven't been triggers for me in sobriety.

2) If you don't enjoy watching football in and of itself -- the best thing about it was the booze -- why do you do it?

Please don't take these questions as just those of a non-fan who doesn't understand. All triggers are alike. You can only avoid or radically change the way you approach the trigger, and first you have to know what it is -- is it football? Why do you drink over football? Is it the people you associate with while watching football? How can you change that?

In early sobriety, if you don't avoid your major triggers or seriously deal with why they trigger you and change that, you're going to be very challenged.

I'm on your side. Keep pushing forward, ANew!

ccam1973

Carl, you hit this right on.

Glad you are committed now anewday.

It was impossible for me until I committed 100%. Before that I always knew in the back of my mind I would drink again... the reason didnt matter, I just knew it was a possibility. That possibility always turned into a reality.

Set myself up to fail.

Now i'm much more at peace knowing that option isn't even there.

You can do this.

ANewDayNYC

Thanks courage2, I am glad to be back on the right path.

I appreciate your questions, and I think it is something important for me to think about.

Your main question was “If I enjoy watching football, why do I feel the need to drink while I do it”. It’s a really good question and something I had to think about.

I do enjoy watching football, even when I don’t drink. However, there is something about watching games in bars that I felt was appealing (multiple TVs, surround sound, bonding with friends, meeting new people, etc). There are people who go to my alumni bar and don’t drink there – but unfortunately I think that would simply be too difficult for me. I would rather avoid bars completely.

I know I could invite friends over and watch a game and not be tempted to drink. The temptation is largely the bar scene – but avoiding it is a small price to pay to get my life back on track.

ANewDayNYC

I agree with all the posts about commitment being a 100% thing. I feel a lot “safer” and optimistic now that I am fully on board. I also appreciate all the encouragement since today was sort of a rough day.