Many blessings today
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Olney, MD
Posts: 268
Many blessings today
AH goes to rehab tomorrow. Today, well the end part of today, was really good. The day started off really bad. AH and I had been planning on spending this next week at my parents condo at the beach. Took the week off and everything. My mom, bless her heart, told me she'd go with me, but our trip would be shortened by a few days due to her work schedule.
Today she told me she couldn't go. In her text, it made it seem like it was too short notice from work but when I called her, it turns out my dad had basically forbade her to go with me. Oh God did the waterworks start. My father is not a substance abuser, but he does everything to excess. If there is wine in the house, he'll drink it until its gone. If there is food still on the stove from dinner, he will eat it all after everyone else has eaten (no leftovers in their house), when he decided to lose weight, he lost so much that he looked sick. He spends time worrying about making and saving as much money as humanly possible. They aren't poor. My dad is an orthodontist. To sum it up,
his behavior is exactly that of an addict.
I lost it. I have never asked that man for anything. ANYTHING. And now in my hour of greatest need, when I just need to get away for a few days with my mom, he won't even allow that. He is my FATHER. This is not what fathers do. Anyway. That sucked.
I went for a massage later and it was wonderful. I tried practicing mindfulness during it and I walked out with a completely new perspective. Then we went to meet with our pastor who is just about the most amazing person I have ever met. I thought we would go in and it would be, "God this and God that." It wasn't. It was real, legit marriage counseling. With some stuff about God, of course. He made me see things in a new way. He told us that in his 25 years of ministry he has NEVER had a man come to him for pastoral counseling and tell him, "I have a problem and I want help." He's had a lot of terrorized family members come in saying, "He/she won't go get help, what should I do?" He volunteered to come with us tomorrow when he checks in, which we did decline. He told us about a parishioner who has fully given him permission to give her contact info to anyone that needs help. She's big in the AA/NA community. Did prison time and when she came out, the church rallied around her. After so many years with my abusive, religious zealot father shoving Catholicism down my throat, I equaled God with abuse. I had been driving past my church for many years wondering if I should take a chance. This winter when I was suicidal and had nothing left, I went. I found a loving, welcoming, tolerant community. A true blessing.
I needed the day off from work at the last notice for tomorrow and while my job was very understanding, they wanted me to at least try to get someone to cover the shift. I had one nurse left to try, she was working today and it was busy, she didn't call until after day shift was over and I missed her call. I called back and left a message with what was going on and she was basically my last hope. I never heard anything back and around 10 I got a text from her that she had it all worked out, she would stay until 8:45 and one of the night nurses would come in then to relieve her. Another blessing, and this is a nurse I have not always seen eye to eye with.
AH drove me to my Al-Anon meeting (been every day since Monday) and when I walked in, I realized an AA meeting was going on at the same time. I went out to the car to tell him and he went to a meeting while I was at mine. It happened to be an anniversary for one of the members who had quite a number of years sober. He did not like the group at the first meeting he went to on Monday. Not AA as a whole, but that particular group didn't jive with him, but that's ok. Some groups haven't jived with me either. He got about 15 phone numbers tonight. I had no idea there was even an AA meeting there that night. Another blessing. He wanted to come home and watch a movie before he went back to his parent's to sleep. I told him I would rather not, since that's always how the drinking started. Pop on a movie, sit on the couch and pop open a beer, then another, then another. We thought about going to see a movie but there is nothing good out right now. We ended up going to a local coffee house, having some coffee (I had a pastry too. Yum) and we had a good talk. We got here and he did want to watch last Sunday's episode of True Blood. We did that and then he left. It turned out to be an amazing day. One I wish I could just keep repeating over and over.
I also bought some clothes for myself. I have been neglecting my self so badly for years, I haven't gotten new clothes in years a lot of them are very worn and my bras are totally shot (got a new one of those too). He has always had more clothes than me, never thinking twice about getting new things. He has more shoes than me too. Since when has a man been more into shoes than a woman. I probably need new shoes too, haven't gotten any in years and most look terrible. But that can wait. I am really not that into shoes.
Today she told me she couldn't go. In her text, it made it seem like it was too short notice from work but when I called her, it turns out my dad had basically forbade her to go with me. Oh God did the waterworks start. My father is not a substance abuser, but he does everything to excess. If there is wine in the house, he'll drink it until its gone. If there is food still on the stove from dinner, he will eat it all after everyone else has eaten (no leftovers in their house), when he decided to lose weight, he lost so much that he looked sick. He spends time worrying about making and saving as much money as humanly possible. They aren't poor. My dad is an orthodontist. To sum it up,
his behavior is exactly that of an addict.
I lost it. I have never asked that man for anything. ANYTHING. And now in my hour of greatest need, when I just need to get away for a few days with my mom, he won't even allow that. He is my FATHER. This is not what fathers do. Anyway. That sucked.
I went for a massage later and it was wonderful. I tried practicing mindfulness during it and I walked out with a completely new perspective. Then we went to meet with our pastor who is just about the most amazing person I have ever met. I thought we would go in and it would be, "God this and God that." It wasn't. It was real, legit marriage counseling. With some stuff about God, of course. He made me see things in a new way. He told us that in his 25 years of ministry he has NEVER had a man come to him for pastoral counseling and tell him, "I have a problem and I want help." He's had a lot of terrorized family members come in saying, "He/she won't go get help, what should I do?" He volunteered to come with us tomorrow when he checks in, which we did decline. He told us about a parishioner who has fully given him permission to give her contact info to anyone that needs help. She's big in the AA/NA community. Did prison time and when she came out, the church rallied around her. After so many years with my abusive, religious zealot father shoving Catholicism down my throat, I equaled God with abuse. I had been driving past my church for many years wondering if I should take a chance. This winter when I was suicidal and had nothing left, I went. I found a loving, welcoming, tolerant community. A true blessing.
I needed the day off from work at the last notice for tomorrow and while my job was very understanding, they wanted me to at least try to get someone to cover the shift. I had one nurse left to try, she was working today and it was busy, she didn't call until after day shift was over and I missed her call. I called back and left a message with what was going on and she was basically my last hope. I never heard anything back and around 10 I got a text from her that she had it all worked out, she would stay until 8:45 and one of the night nurses would come in then to relieve her. Another blessing, and this is a nurse I have not always seen eye to eye with.
AH drove me to my Al-Anon meeting (been every day since Monday) and when I walked in, I realized an AA meeting was going on at the same time. I went out to the car to tell him and he went to a meeting while I was at mine. It happened to be an anniversary for one of the members who had quite a number of years sober. He did not like the group at the first meeting he went to on Monday. Not AA as a whole, but that particular group didn't jive with him, but that's ok. Some groups haven't jived with me either. He got about 15 phone numbers tonight. I had no idea there was even an AA meeting there that night. Another blessing. He wanted to come home and watch a movie before he went back to his parent's to sleep. I told him I would rather not, since that's always how the drinking started. Pop on a movie, sit on the couch and pop open a beer, then another, then another. We thought about going to see a movie but there is nothing good out right now. We ended up going to a local coffee house, having some coffee (I had a pastry too. Yum) and we had a good talk. We got here and he did want to watch last Sunday's episode of True Blood. We did that and then he left. It turned out to be an amazing day. One I wish I could just keep repeating over and over.
I also bought some clothes for myself. I have been neglecting my self so badly for years, I haven't gotten new clothes in years a lot of them are very worn and my bras are totally shot (got a new one of those too). He has always had more clothes than me, never thinking twice about getting new things. He has more shoes than me too. Since when has a man been more into shoes than a woman. I probably need new shoes too, haven't gotten any in years and most look terrible. But that can wait. I am really not that into shoes.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Terpgal, what an uplifting post! So many hard hard things to deal with, and yet, you have reached out for support, you have reached deep for your own inner resources, and you are soaring!
Keep this post handy, and read it again and again when you need it - you are inspiring!
ShootingStar1
Keep this post handy, and read it again and again when you need it - you are inspiring!
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Terpgal, what a great post. It just shows that with the right mindset and support system no matter what is going on it does not have to ruin our lives!!!
So glad you are getting support and some rest!
Hugs!
So glad you are getting support and some rest!
Hugs!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hugs Tergal. I am very impressed with you reaching out. There are clearly angels nudging and acting through others on your behalf.
As for your father, my father has not particularly been a supportive character in my life, so I empathize with that hole. The hole in your universe that you should not be there - but should be your rock. But he definitely has some addictive behaviors and you are wise to see that in him. Hard to be a rock when you are busy being addicted...
Peace Terp.
As for your father, my father has not particularly been a supportive character in my life, so I empathize with that hole. The hole in your universe that you should not be there - but should be your rock. But he definitely has some addictive behaviors and you are wise to see that in him. Hard to be a rock when you are busy being addicted...
Peace Terp.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
What a wonderful post. I hope you continue to take care of yourself and address your needs while your H is addressing his.
I wanted to share with you that I've had a similar experience with the Catholic church since dealing with RAH's addiction. I was raised Catholic, not real devout personally. Our priest has been so helpful, insightful, and realistic. He does not push any doctrine on us. Instead he offers support and a different view of the teachings than how I learned them in Sunday school. Between him and what I have learned in Al-Anon, I have a completely different perspective on my faith.
I hope you have a good day today...I suppose it will be hard, but hopefully you will find some joy in the day too.
I wanted to share with you that I've had a similar experience with the Catholic church since dealing with RAH's addiction. I was raised Catholic, not real devout personally. Our priest has been so helpful, insightful, and realistic. He does not push any doctrine on us. Instead he offers support and a different view of the teachings than how I learned them in Sunday school. Between him and what I have learned in Al-Anon, I have a completely different perspective on my faith.
I hope you have a good day today...I suppose it will be hard, but hopefully you will find some joy in the day too.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Awesome share, Terpgal. Hey, I used to live in MD, I met my AH there when I was fresh out of college!
As for shoes, my AH used to have more shoes than me and he was way more fashion conscious than I was when we met. I didn't know who or what Polo was when I met him, LOL. I am proud to admit that I do have more shoes than he does now, but that's because I keep mine for years and years until they wear away to nothing and that includes my underwear and bras, too. I finally just threw out 3 pairs of undies that had holes in them.
Also, good for you for taking care of yourself, too! Hugs to you as you adjust to your AH's time in rehab. Gratitude comes in many forms, doesn't it?
As for shoes, my AH used to have more shoes than me and he was way more fashion conscious than I was when we met. I didn't know who or what Polo was when I met him, LOL. I am proud to admit that I do have more shoes than he does now, but that's because I keep mine for years and years until they wear away to nothing and that includes my underwear and bras, too. I finally just threw out 3 pairs of undies that had holes in them.
Also, good for you for taking care of yourself, too! Hugs to you as you adjust to your AH's time in rehab. Gratitude comes in many forms, doesn't it?
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