sunny09

I can't seem to find the post from a few days ago where someone was talking about their AS and a cycle. The A is able to stay sober for awhile, it goes pretty well for awhile in fact...then the A starts to get a little angry, a little hostile, mean, etc...progresses to full on crazy, anger, ranting, quacking, etc...then relapse....then sorry, apologetic, admitting they're "sick"....commit to being sober and start the cycle all over again.

Is that a common scenario?

My husband is "in recovery" but there have been a number of relapses. He is living in a different state, so I am not seeing it firsthand, but this seems to be a cycle he goes through. Doctors even suggested a possible bipolar diagnosis, but it would seem to me that he'd have to truly quit drinking for a solid length of time before they can accurately look at bipolar.

I hear where he's at in his voice on the phone, and in the "degree of rant-i-ness" in his conversations. I'm wondering if knowing that this is the cycle to expect will help me.

KidsR#1

Interesting. I was thinking the same thing today. Each time my AH has relapsed the last few months I can see signs before he even starts to drink.

Its been a few weeks since the last relapse and wondered if I would see the signs again. This last time though I put boundaries in place and enforced them and reviewed them again several times when he was sober, so hoping I don't have to enforce the boundaries again.

LadyinBC

Oh I well remember this cycle. I would commit to 2 weeks and I would always find something that would set me off. I could make myself have a bad day just to have an excuse. Then when my daughter "caught" me be all full of apologies and I'm sick and can't help it, let's have a pity party and blah blah blah blah blah. Then I would wait 2 weeks and do it again. Over and over and over again. I honestly don't know how I did it to or how she put up with me for so long.

I did this over and over again because I wasn't really wanting to commit to sobriety because......................I still wanted to drink and I needed the booze. And I know for me I did plan my relapses. The plan happens before we actually do start drinking. I set myself up all the time for this.

Quitting is definately not easy, however, it did require me to want to be sober more than I wanted to be drunk. And as long as I wanted to be drunk the cycle was going to keep going.

I'm just lucky that I decided it was time to get off the ride so to speak. Quitting is one thing, trying to live and stay sober is harder I think. In order to stop the cycle I had to be willing to change.

sunny09

I definitely think my AH has "planned" his relapses. It almost seems like the whole buildup towards the relapse is planned too! It's like suddenly something that might not have upset him before is suddenly SUCH a big deal...so hard for him to deal with...it just causes SO MUCH STRESS for him. Then it seems to be all about how hard this is for him, how much he is suffering, how hard he is trying. But it's just too much.........and then he relapses.

He was ranting the other day about how difficult it is for him to connect with our 2 daughters. I said (again) that he can call ANYTIME, email ANYTIME, facetime ANYTIME. If we are free, we will chat. If not, we'll call back. He ranted about the time difference (4 hours) and how that makes it SO HARD for him to call us. He ranted about how the girls goof around on facetime and make silly faces instead of talking to him. Ummm- they're nervous? It's awkard that their dad left us months ago and seems to have no plans to return? He can only seem to rant about how hard all this is FOR HIM, and it honestly seems like he is just building up, stacking up reasons, to have another relapse.
I feel bad for him, but honestly, it's such a bunch of BS. Just feeling angry, and i HATE when he seems to portray himself as the victim, and me and my daughters (children!) as making things SO HARD for him.

KidsR#1

my AH definitely planned his relapse today, it's a 3 day weekend for him

mejo

Well, my AH used to start arguments to give him an excuse to drink. I knew that cycle well.

However, once someone is really committed to recovery, the start of relapses actually happen days before the actual relapse itself. One must look at the relapse and try to find the trigger to prevent it from happening in the future.

sunny09

Do you think the A knows they're gearing up for a relapse? Like a week before- this is really hard, it might just drive me to drink (next week Friday).
Or are they just on a crazy ride of building stress and anger, and then they suddenly find themselves relapsing?

ladyscribbler

I think that this sounds more like a cycle of binge drinking than one of recovery and relapse. My ex was a binge drinker. He never said anything about sobriety though, so I might be mistaken. He just drank until he ran out of money, was sober for a couple of weeks, then started drinking again when he got paid.
Eventually he progressed to the point where the sober period between binges got shorter and shorter. I haven't lived there in almost a year, but all signs now point to him being a daily blackout drinker.
That period between binges is not recovery. It is just the time between binges where he is building up to drink.

Stung

Oh, I know my husband was planning his. It's hard to explain though. I remember before he just nosedived he was telling me that he kept thinking that he could trick his Soberlink so he asked his therapist to give him random pee tests IN ADDITION to his Soberlink to keep him honest. He ended up timing his drinking so that he would still blow sober when he got here and started avoiding his therapist entirely.

It's almost like he has a drinking alter ego. When people talk about having alcoholic voices, I think my husband has a REALLY rough time telling his AV to STFU.

seek

You might want to read up on PAWS . . . it lasts for two years . . .I doubt many people actually "plan" relapses . . . they are probably just not prepared for bad days and bad feelings.

mejo

Yes, I agree. These relapses tend to start subconsciously prior to the RA even taking a drink or using. The A needs to be able to recognize this and get to meetings or calling there sponsor when they start to feel off. However, this is only true if the A is really in recovery. Like I said, some may know they want a drink and make it happen and then afterwards use the whole "oh, no, what have I done? I am sorry. I am back on the wagon" just to start the cycle all over again. I lived that for years.

When my AH finally got sober from alcohol, and was working a program there was one time when he found himself in the parking lot of a convenient store with an unopened beer. He did not remember driving there, going in, buying it. Heck, he did not even know he wanted one. But he threw it away and went straight to counseling to find the trigger to prevent it from happening again. Crazy how the subconscious brain works.

AnvilheadII

I don't think it's as much as planning a relapse as it is to never being committed to sobriety in the first place. there's a big difference between:

I will not drink again ever NO MATTER WHAT

and

I will not drink again unless <<fill in the blank>>