TerpGal

So I have had a few good days. Where I felt like I had some semblance of hope, and that "its ok to focus on me without feeling guilty" but boy whammy, here I sit tonight more confused, angry, and desperate as ever.

I am really angry at AH.........so, so angry. I am really angry that he gets to go away to rehab and really have some intensive therapy and "healing" and all that BS when I have to tough it out here. I have a mental illness and I was feeling, "Wouldn't it be nice if there was a rehab for people with mental illnesses and no addiction" It sure beats the 3-5 day psych ward stays and then getting kicked to the curb when you are still suicidal (that's happened more than once). So I started googling. They exist, but are very few and insurance doesn't cover them. Most of AH's rehab is being covered out of the insurance *I* maintain and comes out of *my* paycheck. His parents are picking up the tab for the rest. So there's really no place like that for me. Would be nice, wouldn't it?

He leaves Friday and has been spending the night at his parents since last Friday since he cannot be trusted here. Heck, at least in my eyes, he cant be trusted anywhere. I work 2nd shift as a RN in a psych hospital (HA!) and he's been driving to my work while I am there and leaving "presents" in my car. Last night he left me 2 12 oz Red Bulls and a 20 oz Gatorade. And left me another Red Bull tonight. I haven't drank any Gatorade in weeks. I am trying to loose weight and decrease my sodium. I have been talking about that for WEEKS. And yes, I still do have a Red Bull habit. I cut down to the smallest can weeks ago too. This is how little this man knows about my anymore. I makes me want to vomit. Yesterday was our 8 year wedding anniversary.

I'm not planning on divorcing him. I will work on me and I hope sincerely that he works on himself. I believe he is ready. He told me and his parents he knows he has to stop or he'll die. That's a total 180 from not even admitting he had a problem last week. Who knows. Time will only tell.

I wonder if its even possible to have a healthy marriage with an alcoholic, recovered or not. MIL thinks that we "will get him back" after rehab. I truly don't know if that is even possible. Over the years he has turned bitter, angry, spiteful, vengeful, violent at times, and has panic attacks if he has to leave the house.

This same person was voted "Best Personality" in the class of '98. How the bleep did this happen? When I met him in college, he was carefree, kind, funny, thoughtful, and nurturing. People always wanted to be around him and he thrived in social situations. After he graduated, the roller coaster of insanity began. Slowly, slowly. At first we drank together. We were regulars at one of the bars downtown. I started wondering if *I* had a drinking problem so I just stopped. Today, if I have even one glass of wine or one beer I feel it and do not feel the greatest the next day. He kept on the insanity train.

It was bad the year we got married. I admit, I got a little intoxicated at our reception but when I look back on it, it was really out of control. Everyone was boozed up, and I do mean everyone. He got beyond intoxicated and later that night at the hotel, we had a fight and I ended up falling asleep in the bathroom for a time. And this is how our marriage STARTED. Its only grown worse since then.

I wonder if Im holding onto a pipe dream of who he was. That is the person I love. Not what he is now. And was that person that I love even real?

Soberintexas007

Hi TerpGal,
Sorry you are going through that chaos, but I wanted to relay some thoughts and feelings I had while reading your post. I think it is great that he is going to rehab, and there is hope that he can become sober while also working a program. I have worked the 12 steps several times and continue to use the principles in my life today. Also, although you are working on the Red Bull and you don't drink gatorade, I thought it was sweet that he gave you these presents. Try and stay positive and see if there is a change after his rehab.

TerpGal

I do appreciate the gifts. It feels like he's trying at least. Just makes me sad that we really don't know each other anymore

torquemax777

Oh WOW! you should read the post I just submitted "A baby step" I can SOOO relate to you!!! And I didn't write about it there, but I too, am about to celebrate our 8th anniversary and we both drank together and went to the bar in the beginning AND I am a CNA.... Anyway, if you have time, read my post from today; I think you will see we have a lot in common. It doesn't solve anything, but I sure do get some temporary reprieve from having things in common with people here. A big hug to you!!!

CodeJob

Hello TerpGal,

I too was peeved that the A got a 28 day break from reality while I did my best in the real world. If we are "sick" in tandem with our addict, it is disheartening to be left out there. When my qualifier got home, he had worked the steps at an accelerated pace. I had just managed to work through 1-2. I too helped pay and my H is in my insurance....

All I can advise is make the most of this upcoming time apart by focusing on you.

You are seeing your past in a different point of view? Painful. That can hurt. Be kind to yourself Terp.

dandylion

TerpGal......there isn't anything fair about alcoholism. Just a fact.

I encourage you to get set for your own support for when he comes back from rehab. Most report that the early recovery period---the first year can be more difficult for them than the period of actual drinking.
Alanon and a personal counselor who is experienced in addictions is the usual standard that others on this forum seem to recommend.

LOL...I think that a "vacation" is what you were describing above. A good vacation...

dandylion

meggem

Oh my god could I relate to your whole story. My 7 year wedding date was this month and we as well started off in a disaster. My soon to be EX supposed RAH was the same way. Popular in college, degreed, had good female and male friends..well cultured.. Responsible, funny, the whole thing. And we drank together too. Same thing. We also had a fight the night before we got married (the Bahamas) – He got upset with me for something and we fought and he pretended to call the travel agent to arrange a flight home “as soon as possible” – When I called his bluff and pretended to call off the wedding (classic codie behavior) he was sorry blah blah. What a red flag. But I guess I chalked it up to a “fight”.

He went to rehab October of this year that was my dream for years but looking back, it was too late. I wanted to be excited and supportive but I couldn’t -But the few times he called, I remember he mentioned he had gotten a massage that day and I was furious and felt the same way you did –what about me??!?! When do I get a team of professionals petting my mental state? I figured I was just playing poor me and being a victim. Here I was home, as usual, living in reality and there he is getting massages – OH and he was bragging that the Chef there was a former food network show or something like that – that p*ssed me off too in a big way. Must be nice I was eating take out most nights..

Also, I drink coffee, but I cannot have it after 2 or 3 – otherwise it will keep me up. When he got home from rehab and went back to work his new addiction was coffee. He would constantly call me after work telling me was picking up a coffee and did I want one. I thought the same thing you did – Have we met? How many times do I have to tell you I don’t drink coffee late in the day???

I suppose you could have considered me somewhat of a big drinker, but the same thing happened to me. The more he needed it and wanted it, the less I did.

Fast forward.

I hope it’s not too late for you. I hope it works out, if that is what you want. I wanted it to work out for me but it was about a good 2 years too late. Here is one thing I know I would have done differently. I would have found a way to get myself intensive counseling while he was away and I would have insisted on intensive couples counseling when he came home (30 days in- 30 days out). I don’t know if that would have made a difference or not, but…

I also will share with you that I really thought I was going to see a “BIG” difference when he got home. I knew it was going to be a long and forever road but I didn’t think I was going to hear that “mentally he was at age 16 and he is learning for the first time how to handle his emotions without alcohol and all of that.. “ So I needed to excuse, understand, and be patient with his continued outbursts (around a 5 and 2 year old) What I heard was “I’m basically going to be the same person for at least a few more years if not forever, without the alcohol”

I didn’t have that kind of time and neither did my babies. So I guess I would say know that you probably aren’t “getting him back” when he gets home. I hope you do if that is what you want, but in my experience that wasn’t the case.

honeypig

TerpGal, I understand your feelings. I could have written those words myself, and actually I think I have, in my journal, on more than one occasion.

There were times where I'd be looking for a particular item of clothing that was apparently misplaced--nothing new, something I wore often and had owned for a long time--and he'd swear he'd never seen it, never saw me wear it, had no clue what I was talking about.

He would be unaware of where things were in the house, so much so that I asked him at various times if he even lived in the same house w/me. My sister said, "that's just how men are", but I think it's taken to a whole new level w/an A.

I'd tell him about plans I had made, ideas I had, people I met, things I did--and he'd swear he knew nothing about any of them when I brought them up at a later date.

I wondered, as you have, if anything about him or us was real or all just something I fabricated out of my desires, hopes and needs.

I've got no sage words for you. I just wanted to let you know I am oh so familiar with the pain of feeling that you've not been seen, heard or understood by the person who you thought was closest to you in the whole world. (((Hugs))) to you. You are not alone.

bringiton

My H had been home from this 30 inpatient treatment for 20 days today. Unfortunately he is very much the same as when he went in only sober. The steps and recovery take a lot of time and work. I don't say this to discourage you but I want you to be prepared that there may not be the changes you were hoping for. My expectations were very far off. Work on yourself as much as you can and don't expect too much from either of you. We have fought almost everyday since he has been out and we are also attending counseling together and apart. My current selfish feeling is that I waited 13 years to get him back and he still can't be found. It takes a lot of meetings to keep a person sober, that means a lot of time away from the family just like before when he was drinking. Not sure how much longer I will last as what feels like a single parent, still. I clean, take care of kids and he goes out for coffee and dinners and meetings. I'm incredibly lonesome and pretty pissed off. I'm happy he is sober and will be alive for his kids as long as he stays sober but I'm certainly not happy with the marriage. Maybe eventually I will be. To soon to tell I guess. Not sure if the person I love is real but I know I still can't find him.

Be good to yourself, sending you hugs

mejo

I was angry, like you, about my H being pampered and having a "team" of people to not only help him get sober, but see if he had a mental disorder as well, in treatment while I had just gotten out of the hospital for being suicidal and having PTSD. But now I am past that anger (currently). Don't future trip. Take it day by day. He may be back to the person you dated when all is said and done.