Serper2014

It's been a month or maybe a little more since I was last on the site. I'm doing really well. I know success is measured on these forums as the number of sober days, but I don't know if that measure is really useful in my case. So in the last month to month and a half I only drank 3 times. This is less than i've ever drank in a month since I started drinking 3 years ago. My main problem was daily drinking to excess and fear of withdrawal and I don't have to live with that anymore--at least for the foreseeable future. I read some old journal entries today and I can't believe the life I used to live. Constantly needing a drink to curb the withdrawals was hell. So the last 3 times I drank I had broken a 12 day clean time and two 8 day clean times (maybe one was a 7 day I'd have to look at my journal to know for sure. I'm well on my way to beating the 12 day clean time as we speak. All three times that I drank were out with friends and for fun-- and it was fun. I wasn't caving to cravings, I wasn't curbing withdrawals, and I wasn't drinking alone. One of the surprising factors was that each time I drank it was very spur of the moment. Another thing that surprised me was that each time I drank, I didn't go through withdrawals or have anxiety, just a bit of shakiness in the morning, but I'm dieting like crazy now and trying to get rid of my beer belly that I built up in the last year so that is reason enough to be slightly shaky. Had I never had a problem with alcohol I wouldn't even have checked for shakes, nor would I have noticed them in the morning. I'm really enjoying the weight loss. I'm down 8 lbs this month. And down 3 from last month. So my total loss is -11. Let me tell you what a huge difference this has made in energy and overall happiness. When will I drink again? I don't know, but I do know that I don't have to. I'm sure I wont until sometime after labor day weekend, because I'm going away to see family and there won't be any alcohol where I'm staying. Technically I could drink before then, but I doubt I will unless I get invited out to a social event or something. I'm definitely not promoting moderation because the times I did drink in the last month and a half I definitely got toasty. I still can't stop after one, and thinking back, I never could, even before the daily drinking ensued. I never wanted to stop at just one. I have reason to believe that I'm young enough and I hadn't been drinking long enough to cause permanent changes in the brain. It's likely that my brain has rewired itself. In two months I'll have a full year without ever drinking two nights in a row!!

ScottFromWI

Welcome back Serper. To be blunt, not sure how to respond, it's good that you aren't drinking to excess daily, but your post sounds a lot like rationalization of your recent drinking. You say you aren't recommending moderation, but in essence that is what you are attempting.

Soberwolf

That's 4 days of the week drinking and 3 days off

It sounds like alcoholism from the start read your post again but this time just read about someone else pretend its somebody else would you think they have alcoholism i'm glad you posted take in what others will post

Thank you so much for that post

Serper2014

I'm not recommending anything. When I think about moderation I think about people that try to go out and drink just two beers. I definitely can't do that and I probably will never want to. Now if moderation is considered to get toasty every now and then? I wouldn't recommend that either. Especially not to a friend, but it has been working for me. I'm only on the site tonight because I'm kind of bored and I realized I hadn't posted in awhile, not because I'm craving or I need to drink, I'm not, and I don't. I don't know if I'm necessarily rationalizing, because that requires the intent to explain. I'm not explaining or justifying my drinking as if I'm in trouble or something. I'm just telling what has happened in the month and a half or so.

Serper2014

No that's not. That's 3 drinking nights in the last month or a bit longer. I actually haven't been counting days or anything like that. I could look on my calendar and remember which nights I drank if I needed to.

Ok I went back and read the post and pretended it was my friend. From an outsiders perspective I wouldn't know if they were an alcoholic. I definitely would think they had a drinking problem. And going back to being me...I know that I do... or I did? In the last month drinking has not been a problem, but a month is a short time so... I guess we will see. I just know that every morning when I wake up I'm so happy to be free from the chains of withdrawal... people come on here all the time and make vows to never drink again. I did. It didn't happen. I'll tell you something though. I will never....ever.... drink more than one night in a row...no matter what. Now realistically does that mean I want to drink every other night? Hell no! lol. I don't know what will happen with the rest of my life... that is a LONG time to make any promise (50% divorce rate...right?) but I can definitely say that I wont ever drink two nights in a row again.

jdooner

This entire post is

We will be here for you when you want to stop lying to yourself. Recovery is about getting honest - not with a bunch of anonymous addicts but yourself. Hope the seed germinates.

SoberHoopsFan

Why are you fighting so hard to keep an addictive and dangerous drug in your life? So you can spend a lifetime battling control over an addictive substance that has already once gotten you low enough to join a "sober recovery" website?

Quitting alcohol altogether is the only type of freedom from the drug. There is only one way to have complete control over drinking - to have none at all.

For me, I don't need it in my life and the physical and mental toll of trying to control this substance is a painful cross for anyone to bear, especially someone who has struggled before. I just don't see this ending well, to be blunt... if you want to truly be happy, you won't find it in a bottle.

Serper2014

I'm kind of offended to be honest. I went back and reread my post. I didn't lie at all. Not a single sentence was a lie. Every sentence was that I wrote was 100% true. So what am I lying about? and who are you question my honesty?

Serper2014

I'm not fighting to have alcohol in my life. Lol. I don't need to fight for that. If I want to drink I can just go to the bar and drink. I don't want to though. At least right now, and at least **% of the time I've spent in the last month I haven't wanted to. I used to want to drink literally every hour of the day, mostly because of withdrawals and anxiety. Quitting altogether is ONE type of freedom from the drug. And really it's can't be really considered freedom until you are dead because then that is only point at which you know for sure you have quit alltogether. I have freedom from the drug at this point. I don't NEED to drink, at all. However if I had a drink tonight, I wouldn't have control over the drug. It would alter me and I'd want to drink a lot. You would too, you are no better than me just because you have a lot of clean time. However, if I did drink tonight, i'd wake up tomorrow and probably not drink for another week or two. I can't say the same for you, obviously, that is not the case for you. You would spiral back into the cycle. Maybe I would too, although it hasn't happened yet, I'm at least 3 for 3 and possibly a lot more than that. We will see though.

SoberHoopsFan

You joined a recovery website because alcohol was obviously harming you in a variety of ways, and now you're trying to justify your alleged "control" over the drug and your new intake. Sounds like you are fighting quite hard to keep it an option in your life. What exactly is it doing for you that you would risk going down the rabbit hole again?

Most people who constantly have to justify their intake and say things like "they don't NEED alcohol" are generally addicted to the drug, at least in my experience. Maybe you aren't as addicted as I was, but dependence is dependence, in my book. I hope it works out for you and we aren't having a different conversation in a few months.

Also, I don't need to wait until I am dead to know that I have really quit or have freedom, I don't drink anymore, that's enough proof for me.

MyTime86

Serper, post whatever you want, and go about drinking how ever you want. Lately I been seeing a lot of people in here acting like they are professionals at this. Take in what feels right on this site an ignore the rest good luck to you we all have problems.

Serper2014

You are right. I joined because I was struggling with daily drinking and I was just trying to stop drinking, I wasn't actually going through recovery. I underwent that process and it was a huge transformation in my thinking. Yes I swallowed the propaganda at times, and I think at the time that I joined I needed to. I'm not justifying my control. I will never say that I have control over alcohol, but never say never. I am not justifying the past month. I am celebrating it, and yet, noone has yet congratulated me on my success? I'm not sure why I made the post if noone is going to congratulate me. If I posted "I got 15 days sober!" I would have gotten a slew of congrats posts, but nobody wants to touch this thread because they can't process facts that go against convention. So even though we are disagreeing to some extent, I do want to thank you for responding. I'm on day 7 now technically, but I had to check my calendar to verify that I was on day 7, if that isn't success from dependency I don't know what is. That should be the definition of not letting a substance control you. Why do I want to keep it an option? I'm not even sure if I do. All I know is that it's not harming my life anymore--at least right now. And the last 3 times I drank I had nights that I don't regret at all--they were really fun. Could it possibly harm my life in the future? Sure could, but so could crack or heroin-- at this point, I don't think either scenario is likely. Although time will tell. I'm not sure how addicted you were. I was pretty addicted, but I would say that I was more dependent than addicted. Physically dependent. I'm definitely not dependent anymore.

ScottFromWI

So is your overall goal still absinence? You don't need to answer me or SR, simply ask yourself the question.

lillyknitting

I hear what your saying. In my experience each time I restarted drinking again, after a period of sobriety, my drinking would escalate:one drink, maybe two. Next time two drinks, then three - still suffering some form of hangover albeit light, I still didn't like it nor could I perform normally the next day. Then, bang....back to drinking full blown binge. I have tried to moderate thousands of times, each with exactly the same end!!!!

Take care

Jimboagust

If you're happy and taking care of yourself then more power to you, whatever you decide to do.

Be careful, though. Try to keep aware of how the booze is affecting you and be careful that you don't fall back into dependency.

I think the main reason why people on websites such as this are suspicious of anything other than complete abstinence is that they have seen the worst of what addiction can do to a person. You can probably safely assume that the "negative" responses to your post are primarily motivated by concern.

jdooner

I don't doubt you believe what you wrote. But it strikes me as deluded thinking. In essence, my opinion is that you are fooling yourself. But I don't know you. I am basing this on simply seeing many like you that write posts just like yours from time to time all with the same outcome. Perhaps you are different and if so then sorry. For now I will strict to the law of large numbers.

What did you hope to achieve? I mean you write about moderation on a recovery site with seven whole days of experience. Did you hope to illuminate? Help the newcomer? I am curious what your goal might be. My guess is you yourself know the post is an illusion and perhaps hope to get reinforcement to make it true. Like telling the same lie over will somehow make it true.

Soberwolf

You can't stop after 1 and wanted to drink every hour of he day ?

Your only here because you are kinda bored ?

Before this site I was 13 months sober on my own not a drop still not a drop

The reason I'm here is 1 I love the honesty and I want to be here I share my experience becasuse i'm alcoholic and it helps others as much as it helps me (i hope lol)

From your sharing it sounds like alcohol is problamatic for you and your doing the time honoured classic

Me an alcoholic.....no way routine (i done it as well we all did) and that's the point

Im not trying to label you or hurt you, be rude or offennsive to you, look around !

Your never be alone we will always be here just helping each other out

And not because were bored

Why give it a chance to get worse ? Control ? Think about why you used that word control ?

Control your drinking ? If you could you wouldn't be talking it on a sobriety website

But yet here you are because you are bored and wanted to post.

Boredom didn't bring your here and you know it what really brought you here look at your posts

There's nothing worse than fuelling a problematic drinker I'm dropping the mic on this 1 now (got that from dee) if you ever want to talk there is thousands of ppl willing to listen but u gotta be honest and if u can't see it what do u think we actually see we care we try to help

Good luck in everything u do

Serper2014

Yeah it is for right now... like I said I want to beat my 12 day streak... maybe hit 30 days and take it from there?


To say that I'm only 7 days in is ********. In the last month or more... I've only dranke 3 days... so I'm at least on day 27.... I feel like I'm on day 27...my body and skin looks like I'm on day 27.... I feel so good that I want to continue being sober for now...I'd like to hit 30 days straight or possibly more.

Serper2014

Well I've never tried to moderate.... I've tried to taper...and I def can't do that... once I have a drink, I tend to get pretty drunk.

So we will see.

Serper2014

7 whole days of experience....?? I've been moderating for 10 months now... I wasn't good at it at first, but lately it seems like after I came to SR and learned some things, I've become way better at it. I don't have a goal. This isn't some type of trick lol. I literally had an impulse to come post on SR. There's no illusions here. This isn't deluded thinking, because I'm not drinking. I respect your opinion, but if you want me to keep talking to you. You need to realize that just because I have 7 days straight today, doesn't mean that I only have 7 days sober... I get why people do that, if your goal is complete abstinence then it's fun to count the days and you don't to "start over" but in reality that is just a fabricated system to motivate people to stay abstinent. My goal at this point is not to stay abstinent, it is to have this upcoming month, but just as successful if not more so than this month.