More desert rambling...
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
More desert rambling...
I swear to God..I feel like I am in some sort of sobriety desert here. In "googling" irritability (which for me feels EXTREME lately) I came across the notion that anxiety is the likely culprit...
I got to thinking bout the days before cigarettes and booze starting holding my hand. I was an emotional and irritable child that had difficulty with her own head. I couldn't help remembering that once vices entered the picture in my teens, I think I exhaled a little. I don't remember being quite so snippy with gal pals etc. I honestly remember some sort of...relief from myself.
I haven't showered today..nor did I yesterday. Good Lord. I went out for a couple client appointments this morning with my hair in a ponytail. This afternoon...I fixed up a little and went to the bank and then bought some new undies as the lingerie store in the mall had a sale.
Then I went back to my truck with anxiety still running amok. I wanted to smoke. I wanted to drink. I even started to rationalize the smoking thing for a while (telling myself I could smoke a little today and put my patch back on tomorrow). I did not. I started to drive to Starbucks for a coffee with the intention of sitting in the sun on their sidewalk patio with a book. My mind still....intense. I wondered if a massage might help the tension cursing through my veins making my limbs and shoulder blades feel like a pulled taut elastic band.
I remembered that near my gym there was a chinese herb and acupuncture shop that advertised $25 massages for 30 minutes. I turned my truck around. On the way to chinese herb guy, I called and made a doctor's appointment at the mother's suggestion (first available appointment is Sept 18th). I need to talk to the doc as he has ALWAYS suspected an anxiety problem for me when I had discussed smoking cessation prespcriptions and depression etc (I have always waved away his anxiety suggestion).
I got to chinese herb shop and found them booked up until Friday. I made an appointment. I then took my book and found a bar and grill patio in the sun. I chowed down on natcho's and drank two virgin strawberry margarita's whilst reading a recovery book...that helped quite a bit actually.
I'm home now. Forgive me that I am having to lean so close to SR right now..but I'm scared I guess. This feels like it has all come upon me. I don't remember feeling so perilously close to some sort of relapse before. I have no intention of drinking..yet I still feel like anxious...like some inner monster is gonna jump out..or up..and take possession of my senses.
I am not digging this ...AT ALL.
I'm going to linger here awhile..then I'm going to head out for a run..
then come home and yes...have a shower!!!!
Some days in soberville are really effin' hard man.
I got to thinking bout the days before cigarettes and booze starting holding my hand. I was an emotional and irritable child that had difficulty with her own head. I couldn't help remembering that once vices entered the picture in my teens, I think I exhaled a little. I don't remember being quite so snippy with gal pals etc. I honestly remember some sort of...relief from myself.
I haven't showered today..nor did I yesterday. Good Lord. I went out for a couple client appointments this morning with my hair in a ponytail. This afternoon...I fixed up a little and went to the bank and then bought some new undies as the lingerie store in the mall had a sale.
Then I went back to my truck with anxiety still running amok. I wanted to smoke. I wanted to drink. I even started to rationalize the smoking thing for a while (telling myself I could smoke a little today and put my patch back on tomorrow). I did not. I started to drive to Starbucks for a coffee with the intention of sitting in the sun on their sidewalk patio with a book. My mind still....intense. I wondered if a massage might help the tension cursing through my veins making my limbs and shoulder blades feel like a pulled taut elastic band.
I remembered that near my gym there was a chinese herb and acupuncture shop that advertised $25 massages for 30 minutes. I turned my truck around. On the way to chinese herb guy, I called and made a doctor's appointment at the mother's suggestion (first available appointment is Sept 18th). I need to talk to the doc as he has ALWAYS suspected an anxiety problem for me when I had discussed smoking cessation prespcriptions and depression etc (I have always waved away his anxiety suggestion).
I got to chinese herb shop and found them booked up until Friday. I made an appointment. I then took my book and found a bar and grill patio in the sun. I chowed down on natcho's and drank two virgin strawberry margarita's whilst reading a recovery book...that helped quite a bit actually.
I'm home now. Forgive me that I am having to lean so close to SR right now..but I'm scared I guess. This feels like it has all come upon me. I don't remember feeling so perilously close to some sort of relapse before. I have no intention of drinking..yet I still feel like anxious...like some inner monster is gonna jump out..or up..and take possession of my senses.
I am not digging this ...AT ALL.
I'm going to linger here awhile..then I'm going to head out for a run..
then come home and yes...have a shower!!!!
Some days in soberville are really effin' hard man.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Nu...I have chronicled my journey on here. I like you needed to better understand the why, particularly in early sobriety. I needed to make sense of it all. Some did and some did not. However, when I really worked the steps, particularly step four with a great step sponsor my world began to really shift. I was able to see many patterns clearly.
I had brunch today with a good friend. We chatted about recovery. I have not changed all my traits or behaviors. But I am more aware of my feelings, emotions, resentments, fears. I believe this awareness is a leading indicator for the behaviors, as those take time to shift and become engrained.
While you feel like your out of control, your the most in control I have seen after reading your posts for a while. Your aware. Do you have a sponsor though? Do you have someone to begin step work with? Sorry if I am taking liberties with presumptuous questions, but these are what strike me when I read your post. I also think you will be fine but just need some hand holding to get through the fear.
Your going to be alright...
I had brunch today with a good friend. We chatted about recovery. I have not changed all my traits or behaviors. But I am more aware of my feelings, emotions, resentments, fears. I believe this awareness is a leading indicator for the behaviors, as those take time to shift and become engrained.
While you feel like your out of control, your the most in control I have seen after reading your posts for a while. Your aware. Do you have a sponsor though? Do you have someone to begin step work with? Sorry if I am taking liberties with presumptuous questions, but these are what strike me when I read your post. I also think you will be fine but just need some hand holding to get through the fear.
Your going to be alright...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
When I was in my mid thirties I had to face myself. I agree that for me it was all about fear.
I had to stop thinking about the past and I had to stop worrying about the future. I actually learned to do that without AA, and I did stop drinking for 18 years. The Steps of AA are the common sense way for alcoholics to get over themselves
. I did a "me" version of them myself without even knowing there were 12 Steps of AA.
It just made sense to go through my past and realize my part in things. Being forever the victim and being forever scared, worried and sad just wasn't going to work for me long-term and I instinctively knew it. Sometimes things overwhelm me still, but it's not at all like it was before I made peace with my past.
I deal with things much better now that I use mindfulness, meditation and prayer. These tools have dialed back my anxiety to almost non-existent.
I had to stop thinking about the past and I had to stop worrying about the future. I actually learned to do that without AA, and I did stop drinking for 18 years. The Steps of AA are the common sense way for alcoholics to get over themselves
. I did a "me" version of them myself without even knowing there were 12 Steps of AA. It just made sense to go through my past and realize my part in things. Being forever the victim and being forever scared, worried and sad just wasn't going to work for me long-term and I instinctively knew it. Sometimes things overwhelm me still, but it's not at all like it was before I made peace with my past.
I deal with things much better now that I use mindfulness, meditation and prayer. These tools have dialed back my anxiety to almost non-existent.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
I'm really glad you posted and, yes, some days in recovery are just really hard.
Looking at yourself and really facing yourself full-on is just hard. Try to remember the feelings are just feelings and they don't control you. You can feel them and let them go.
Looking at yourself and really facing yourself full-on is just hard. Try to remember the feelings are just feelings and they don't control you. You can feel them and let them go.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by biminiblue 
I deal with things much better now that I use mindfulness, meditation and prayer. These tools have dialed back my anxiety to almost non-existent.
I then walked my dog in the sun to a nearby store to pick up dog food. (Bless you Canadian Tire for allowing dogs in store..gets my business!). On the way back I was still plagued by the thought that a "wine session" would clear my head. Yes..no lie. I quite frankly just want to "check out" awhile. That is my emotional mind..not my logical one.
Agreed, Anna...this takes effort. I have not yet learned healthy ways to wrangle the wild horses.. but I'm working on it I guess.
JD..not I don't have a sponsor. I have one in mind but she needs to be okay with my multi faceted recovery plan. She also has to be okay with committing to my home group meeting and that's it that all. I am certainly open to the step process... but I'm not sure AA always is the answer for what ails us in sobriety. It might be meditation. Nevertheless..I'm open to it..so thank you.
Thank you all..thank you so so much. As I've said to others...I guess I'm building up some sobriety muscle here.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Excellent.
Meditation - do some research on it as well as doing the sessions. There is hard science behind it as well as the obvious benefits of breath and thought-minding.
All of my anxiety comes down to my thoughts and my breathing. My favorite all-time saying is "Don't torture yourself with your own thoughts." Really, for me that's what it comes down to. Being able to choose what to think about and what to allow in my head. There is an old Bible verse that helps me as well - you can Google it: Philippians 4:8. (I like the NIV version) I'm not religious, but that book has some wisdom!
Philippians 4:8 NIV Version
I only control what I think about. What I think about I become. Really powerful stuff.
Meditation - do some research on it as well as doing the sessions. There is hard science behind it as well as the obvious benefits of breath and thought-minding.
All of my anxiety comes down to my thoughts and my breathing. My favorite all-time saying is "Don't torture yourself with your own thoughts." Really, for me that's what it comes down to. Being able to choose what to think about and what to allow in my head. There is an old Bible verse that helps me as well - you can Google it: Philippians 4:8. (I like the NIV version) I'm not religious, but that book has some wisdom!
Philippians 4:8 NIV Version
I only control what I think about. What I think about I become. Really powerful stuff.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by biminiblue
Excellent.
Meditation - do some research on it as well as doing the sessions. There is hard science behind it as well as the obvious benefits of breath and thought-minding.
All of my anxiety comes down to my thoughts and my breathing. My favorite all-time saying is "Don't torture yourself with your own thoughts." Really, for me that's what it comes down to. Being able to choose what to think about and what to allow in my head. There is an old Bible verse that helps me as well - you can Google it: Philippians 4:8. (I like the NIV version) I'm not religious, but that book has some wisdom!
Philippians 4:8 NIV Version
I only control what I think about. What I think about I become. Really powerful stuff.
Meditation - do some research on it as well as doing the sessions. There is hard science behind it as well as the obvious benefits of breath and thought-minding.
All of my anxiety comes down to my thoughts and my breathing. My favorite all-time saying is "Don't torture yourself with your own thoughts." Really, for me that's what it comes down to. Being able to choose what to think about and what to allow in my head. There is an old Bible verse that helps me as well - you can Google it: Philippians 4:8. (I like the NIV version) I'm not religious, but that book has some wisdom!
Philippians 4:8 NIV Version
I only control what I think about. What I think about I become. Really powerful stuff.
Love the Philippians verse! I too have reeled in some wonderful wisdom from "that book" : )
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Today I learned that my neighbor has been meditating for 25 years. She does it daily.
She said, "Yeah! This is me calm, if you can believe it! I believe it has changed my physiology." She is high-strung like me and we often struggle to communicate well. I think this was a huge turning point for our relationship
I lack discipline with it, too. She mentioned her son and that she paid for him to go to TM (I guess it's spendy) and that she can tell by his behavior when he hasn't been practicing. I know I need to set aside the time every morning.
I'll commit to a morning routine for one month. How 'bout you?
That Oprah /Deepak one month meditation thing is going on this month...haven't checked it out, but there are threads about it.
She said, "Yeah! This is me calm, if you can believe it! I believe it has changed my physiology." She is high-strung like me and we often struggle to communicate well. I think this was a huge turning point for our relationship
I lack discipline with it, too. She mentioned her son and that she paid for him to go to TM (I guess it's spendy) and that she can tell by his behavior when he hasn't been practicing. I know I need to set aside the time every morning.
I'll commit to a morning routine for one month. How 'bout you?
That Oprah /Deepak one month meditation thing is going on this month...haven't checked it out, but there are threads about it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Deep in the heart of Texas
Posts: 1,736
I'm not a proponent of any particular recovery program (other than my own personal cafeteria plan I've got going), but I thought I'd echo the Steps idea. I worked them in another 12 Step program with a group of women & it was one of the most powerful, empowering, precious, hardest things I've ever done for myself. Just saying...
The anxiety I get though. I'm much earlier in recovery than you but I understand everything you're saying. Stick around & lean in for a while. Not just for you, but for me too. I gain something from almost every, single post/response of yours.
Take what you like, leave the rest...thanks for being here.
The anxiety I get though. I'm much earlier in recovery than you but I understand everything you're saying. Stick around & lean in for a while. Not just for you, but for me too. I gain something from almost every, single post/response of yours.
Take what you like, leave the rest...thanks for being here.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Yes, I tend to time myself now if I'm stressed or worried about something. It's a process that goes something like..."girl, if you haven't solved this in 10 minutes, let it go and give it another 10 minutes later".
I've told myself to "shhhh" out loud many times!
I don't know if you've read, "The Heart of Addiction", by Lance M. Dodes, but he speaks to the feeling of powerlessness that leads us to alcohol. Just walking to the bar or bottle shop, gives us a sense of relief that we have an option to relieve the feeling.
I do stop now and ask myself what am I feeling powerless over and is worrying right now working towards a solution? Is it relieving the sense of powerlessness?
I sound like a broken record, but journalling really got me through the emotional turning point of letting go of alcohol as my go-to bandaid. I'd jot down phrases from here, positive thinking - swear my guts out sometimes! But not only did it relieve me that day, I suddenly had a record of my highs and lows that I could flick through. And I'd look back and think, "wow, I felt really bad that day, but I got through it, and worrying myself sick didn't change the outcome"....it started to make for a calmer, centred life.
Anyways....just my musings!
I've told myself to "shhhh" out loud many times!
I don't know if you've read, "The Heart of Addiction", by Lance M. Dodes, but he speaks to the feeling of powerlessness that leads us to alcohol. Just walking to the bar or bottle shop, gives us a sense of relief that we have an option to relieve the feeling.
I do stop now and ask myself what am I feeling powerless over and is worrying right now working towards a solution? Is it relieving the sense of powerlessness?
I sound like a broken record, but journalling really got me through the emotional turning point of letting go of alcohol as my go-to bandaid. I'd jot down phrases from here, positive thinking - swear my guts out sometimes! But not only did it relieve me that day, I suddenly had a record of my highs and lows that I could flick through. And I'd look back and think, "wow, I felt really bad that day, but I got through it, and worrying myself sick didn't change the outcome"....it started to make for a calmer, centred life.
Anyways....just my musings!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Strailya
Posts: 8,011
Hey Nuudawn
I hear you ! I've also had a ton of negative emotions running through my head this week. Then I realised last night that it was all in my head. Nothing has changed in the outside world. Confronting your worries and fears is tough work and its unpleasant. But when you work through them, you get relief.
I am also a huge fan of meditation and mindfulness. I've been practicing meditation at least once a day for over a year and it saved me this week. Truly. It takes time to feel the benefits but it does work.
Keep going Nuu, you will get through it.
I hear you ! I've also had a ton of negative emotions running through my head this week. Then I realised last night that it was all in my head. Nothing has changed in the outside world. Confronting your worries and fears is tough work and its unpleasant. But when you work through them, you get relief.
I am also a huge fan of meditation and mindfulness. I've been practicing meditation at least once a day for over a year and it saved me this week. Truly. It takes time to feel the benefits but it does work.
Keep going Nuu, you will get through it.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,359
You are doing a great job Nu. Anything but drink over it. The early part of this can be suckie. I cut back my hours at work to 40 so I had almost no outside stress. Still I had huffing and puffing episodes. I couldn't calm down. The good thing is that it eases up. Running and SR are good ways to cope.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Morning Nuudawn.
I am also a great believer in meditation. My sponsor recently suggested this....
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=yzBocWlHhxo
I have only recently started it but it has really put a spring in my step and seems to be helping with some deep-rooted fears. Great stuff. As regards AA, I can't really say I 'do' AA, as I haven't been to a meeting at all for the past few months. I do however have a sponsor and have worked through the steps formally twice. I incorporate the steps into my everyday life. This combination, plus support from SR has held me up through some recent tough times. I'm a great believer in doing what works..and that varies for each of us. There are sponsors who won't dictate that you need to attend meetings. I know because I have one...and I now AM one..
Above all, remember...feelings aren't facts. 2 weeks ago I thought drinking again was just inevitable for me. Guess what? I was wrong. I came through and am stronger in sobriety than ever, despite no change in my circumstances.
You will be too. Happy to help if I can. Keep moving forwards.
I am also a great believer in meditation. My sponsor recently suggested this....
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=yzBocWlHhxo
I have only recently started it but it has really put a spring in my step and seems to be helping with some deep-rooted fears. Great stuff. As regards AA, I can't really say I 'do' AA, as I haven't been to a meeting at all for the past few months. I do however have a sponsor and have worked through the steps formally twice. I incorporate the steps into my everyday life. This combination, plus support from SR has held me up through some recent tough times. I'm a great believer in doing what works..and that varies for each of us. There are sponsors who won't dictate that you need to attend meetings. I know because I have one...and I now AM one..
Above all, remember...feelings aren't facts. 2 weeks ago I thought drinking again was just inevitable for me. Guess what? I was wrong. I came through and am stronger in sobriety than ever, despite no change in my circumstances.
You will be too. Happy to help if I can. Keep moving forwards.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,224
Nuu, I spent my entire evenings at SR during my early months of recovery. I still check in morning and evening but for reasons of supporting others and not becoming complacent.
I do think recovery can be aided by routine. You mention the showering (and lack of), running, etc. Adding structure to my day really helped me, because I wasn't drinking I needed other elements of control.
I do think recovery can be aided by routine. You mention the showering (and lack of), running, etc. Adding structure to my day really helped me, because I wasn't drinking I needed other elements of control.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Thank you all so much. I ended up finding an AA meeting last night. I went to one I had never attended before and glad I did. It was a 12 Steps 12 Traditions meeting and last night...well, well, well...wasn't it ALL about prayer and meditation. The chapter even mentioned a lovely prayer I had not heard before....
The chapter that was read aloud mentioned the thought how God works in mysterious ways and I couldn't help smiling in a agreement. It was a large meeting and I was able to simply sit in the back and download it all.
Thanks again guys...hoping today is a stronger day.
The chapter that was read aloud mentioned the thought how God works in mysterious ways and I couldn't help smiling in a agreement. It was a large meeting and I was able to simply sit in the back and download it all.
Thanks again guys...hoping today is a stronger day.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
