FenixRising73

So it has been 30 days since the inevitable separation. In this time I have maintained NC. He calls my job almost every day (except his days off - of course) and I don't answer. I have changed my cell phone and blocked his emails, no social media This weekend he called my mom and my son (who hung up on him - step dad who couldn't engage all the sudden is calling him fond names? HE saw right though that and click). Yesterday he called my job and for some insane reason I answered, was feeling weak. We agreed to talk that evening and when I called (blocked) as per the agreement he didn't answer! This really set me off and I called back later (WHY?) he said he had been at laundromat - REALLY after you have been chasing me down to talk to you, you couldn't answer? When we did talk, he did the usual quacking, about how I treated him, how I was mean (UM MAYBE it was because you only sat there drinking), how things were always about me and my kids (his kids refused to come over, wonder why?), and so on and so quack - and I figured out while we were talking that he was drinking (only two because I have to work tomorrow - which means 6) AND it really got to me, I spent the rest of the night in bed sick and crying and we didn't finish talking. I talked to him again this morning and told him that he wasn't offering me anything real, so if he could please just stop calling me, or my family. He asked about counseling, said he loved me, quack, quack, quack. I was in my car and crying ON the way to work and wanted so badly to call in sick - instead I sucked it up and have been having a very productive day.
So Two things:
1. I already know the answer to this - but WHY is it so hard to separate yourself from that feeling of love - missing someone - all the dysfunction I've been through with him (and like many here, he's a nice person, never violent, works but his drinking and inability to separate from his ex's family were our greatest problems) Why do I still love and miss him when I have NO reason to love him - I have been stepped on too many times to count by the ugly beast of disrespect and disappearing. The last three months together were spent asking him to find another place to live, telling him I couldn't handle feeling neglected because if he wasn't working he was drinking but here I sit, all heart broken when I received the VERY thing I prayed for (religiously bankrupt but can still pray for someone to be taken from my life - go figure).
2. HOW many sickness's can you name that you have experienced with your drinker? For me its quite a bit, the main thing being anxiety, depression, and feeling "sick" all of the time - but if you are ALWAYS sick, no one cares after a while. I also am sure I have some form of PTSD (from my sons father before him who wasn't a drinker but an abuser) and from other "events" in my life, and obviously self esteem issues, again, depression, etc.

I should have just stayed NC, at least then I wasn't walking around with scrapes on my knees because I fell and I fell hard.

I just want to smile again.

lillamy

I don't think I know a single person who has gone NC and managed to stay NC without at least one of those moments of "I can handle this now"... And then you feel silly in retrospect because this is what everyone told you was going to happen, and it did, and you should have listened... but sometimes, we just need to fall and scrape our knees to remember next time... what happened last time...

You will smile again. You will smile and laugh and skip across meadows and get dizzy from the beauty of sunsets and just being alive. That day will come. There's just a pile of garbage and hard stuff and pain you have to get through first. And the fastest way it through. Always. (((hugs)))