How many chances?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Sydney, Australia
Posts: 27
How many chances?
Hey everyone,
Just to recap my situation, my 28 year old fiance is an alcoholic but doesn't think he has a problem!!!
Anyway, last night he went to talk to his mum about everything and came back determined to quit.
This is his 4th day without a drop which I am glad for don't get me wrong, I'm just wondering how long it will last.
He was really serious this time, I'm not 100% naive though as I've heard it all before but I do believe he is making a real effort this time.
So our wedding is supposed to be next June, we were talking about how he could go about his everyday life without alcohol and he asked, what about on my bucks night, can I drink then? And I said, that's 9 months away, hopefully by then it won't be an issue. He just stared at me in anger.
I know he is doing this for me, not for himself, that's why I'm so skeptical.
I just wanted to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation to myself. Alot of the posts I've read seem to be from couples that are already married. I want to know if anyone has been through this before they got married or any spouse who regrets getting married as I'm starting to think that way myself.
I guess what I want to know is how many chances should you give someone once they make a serious attempt at quitting?
Mind you, he won't go to a counsellor/doctor/therapist/AA as he doesn't want "people who have no idea what they're talking about giving me medication for a problem I don't have!".
So that is where I am at the moment, he thinks he can do it alone, cold turkey, I am bot so sure.
Thanks for your advice/opinions everybody, they're really helpful
Just to recap my situation, my 28 year old fiance is an alcoholic but doesn't think he has a problem!!!
Anyway, last night he went to talk to his mum about everything and came back determined to quit.
This is his 4th day without a drop which I am glad for don't get me wrong, I'm just wondering how long it will last.
He was really serious this time, I'm not 100% naive though as I've heard it all before but I do believe he is making a real effort this time.
So our wedding is supposed to be next June, we were talking about how he could go about his everyday life without alcohol and he asked, what about on my bucks night, can I drink then? And I said, that's 9 months away, hopefully by then it won't be an issue. He just stared at me in anger.
I know he is doing this for me, not for himself, that's why I'm so skeptical.
I just wanted to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation to myself. Alot of the posts I've read seem to be from couples that are already married. I want to know if anyone has been through this before they got married or any spouse who regrets getting married as I'm starting to think that way myself.
I guess what I want to know is how many chances should you give someone once they make a serious attempt at quitting?
Mind you, he won't go to a counsellor/doctor/therapist/AA as he doesn't want "people who have no idea what they're talking about giving me medication for a problem I don't have!".
So that is where I am at the moment, he thinks he can do it alone, cold turkey, I am bot so sure.
Thanks for your advice/opinions everybody, they're really helpful
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: over there
Posts: 253
Oh dear 
My now xeah started the trying to quit pre marriage. It never lasted. He always had an excuse to have a drink. On our wedding day he was drunk at the wedding ( 1 pm )and had to leave the service to use the loo! He carried on all day and when I got up on the morning after he was drinking in the kitchen at 10 am. I was considered a party pooper for not joining in.
I'd think long and hard before I married him. 9 months is nothing being sober even if he gets that far. The fact he already talking about drinking on his bucks night suggests to me he's not serious about a long term quit. I wish I got an annulment for mine.
My now xeah started the trying to quit pre marriage. It never lasted. He always had an excuse to have a drink. On our wedding day he was drunk at the wedding ( 1 pm )and had to leave the service to use the loo! He carried on all day and when I got up on the morning after he was drinking in the kitchen at 10 am. I was considered a party pooper for not joining in.I'd think long and hard before I married him. 9 months is nothing being sober even if he gets that far. The fact he already talking about drinking on his bucks night suggests to me he's not serious about a long term quit. I wish I got an annulment for mine.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Yes I went through that before I was married. I then went through 15 more years of the same only it gets worse (alcoholism is progressive - that is a fact - he got worse and so did I) and selfishly brought four small children into this world. I then went through a divorce.
Now I am a middle aged single mother that works all the time and four boys have a father they talk to about 5 minutes a month and see about 10 days a year.
My ex is a lot of things, some of them quite positive. I didn't marry him because he was an alcoholic after all but in the end - the alcoholism won. It mattered more than all the rest - to both of us.
Think very carefully if you want the life of being married to an alcoholic. Read around the boards for awhile. The stickies at the top of this forum are very good.
Now I am a middle aged single mother that works all the time and four boys have a father they talk to about 5 minutes a month and see about 10 days a year.
My ex is a lot of things, some of them quite positive. I didn't marry him because he was an alcoholic after all but in the end - the alcoholism won. It mattered more than all the rest - to both of us.
Think very carefully if you want the life of being married to an alcoholic. Read around the boards for awhile. The stickies at the top of this forum are very good.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Originally Posted by feelsohelpless 
what about on my bucks night, can I drink then? And I said, that's 9 months away, hopefully by then it won't be an issue. He just stared at me in anger.
I know he is doing this for me, not for himself, that's why I'm so skeptical.
I know he is doing this for me, not for himself, that's why I'm so skeptical.
It sounds to me like he really isn't ready to quit and that he is in denial and I think you should be skeptical. How many chances you give him is totally up to you. Always remember that the merry-go-round ride ends when you have had enough and you decide to get off.
Once you are married and have kids and he hasn't changed it is even harder to get out of these situations.
Alcoholism is progressive and it normally gets worse before it gets better. At least that is how is was for me. And unfortunately family also gets dragged into the cycle as well. It really is a family disease in that sense, it affects everyone around us.
I am sorry you are having to go thru this. You will find lots of support and help here.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
He's already planning his next drink. That is his #1 priority in life and will be unless he decides to get sober for real. This sounds more like he is trying to quit long enough to prove to himself that he doesn't have a problem.
There will always be an occasion, a celebration, an event that can be used as an excuse to drink.
My ex drank on special occasions- the cat's birthday, a full moon, Friday the 13th, just to name a few. Not to mention "real" holidays and special days. My last two birthdays with him ended with police cruisers in front of our house. Same with Valentine's Day. Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, July 4th were always a nightmare.
The day after we brought our son home from the hospital was so special that he drank two quarts of Jim Beam and ended up passing out with his head in the dog's water bowl.
Agree with LadyinBC. He is not ready to quit. You can potentially save yourself from years of heartache here. Keep reading and posting. Maybe check out an Alanon meeting. Just because he doesn't want recovery doesn't mean you have to deny yourself the gift of serenity.
There will always be an occasion, a celebration, an event that can be used as an excuse to drink.
My ex drank on special occasions- the cat's birthday, a full moon, Friday the 13th, just to name a few. Not to mention "real" holidays and special days. My last two birthdays with him ended with police cruisers in front of our house. Same with Valentine's Day. Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, July 4th were always a nightmare.
The day after we brought our son home from the hospital was so special that he drank two quarts of Jim Beam and ended up passing out with his head in the dog's water bowl.
Agree with LadyinBC. He is not ready to quit. You can potentially save yourself from years of heartache here. Keep reading and posting. Maybe check out an Alanon meeting. Just because he doesn't want recovery doesn't mean you have to deny yourself the gift of serenity.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Ahhh yes, the negotiation period. I remember it well. Only drink on an odd night out. Only drink on Saturdays. Only one on Friday evenings. All any of it caused in my situation was the addict to attempt to hide it on the other days. Until they realize THEY CANNOT DRINK at all, it continues in my opinion. I told my X he had to treat it like an allergy, that if he drinks it could cause severe illness. I should have also said divorce, that is where we are now.
For my X it is always some trigger. Change of seasons, celebrations, death, you name it.
I don't mean to be harsh, just truthful. Think long and very very hard before you continue to build a life with an alcoholic.
For my X it is always some trigger. Change of seasons, celebrations, death, you name it.
I don't mean to be harsh, just truthful. Think long and very very hard before you continue to build a life with an alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
I guess what I want to know is how many chances should you give someone once they make a serious attempt at quitting?
I'm further down this road than you are and my husband has had a few months of sobriety but he did it for me and our daughters. It doesn't usually last if those are their motives.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 278
I'd been doing the long distance thing with my then fiancé before moving in with him - and realising, even with my own levels of denial, how serious his drinking was. After moving in he became very emotionally abusive quite apart from the drinking - actually, all the signs had been there long before but I'd chosen to ignore them in my rosy-tinted haze of romance. My father was alcoholic, too, and so many behaviours that a healthier person would have run from seemed 'normal' to me.
I'd been living with him for about a month when I told him I was frightened of his drinking. He then stopped for the next few weeks, telling me that once the Christmas period began, he'd be attending parties and would be drinking again. And, wow, did he mean it!
The relationship ended one evening when I'd been out all day, we'd left it open ended because he was going out drinking with friends and didn't know when he'd be back... and he had an empty wine bottle and an empty vodka bottle in front of him. Let alone what he'd had when he'd been out. Actually, he ended the relationship - though, looking back, I think I was meant to grovel and ask if we could start again. He was certainly very surprised when I started looking for a flat shortly afterwards.
So... I found myself at the beginning of the New Year in 2012 with nowhere to live (my own house was rented out to tenants and I couldn't have it back for several months), no job, had got rid of most of my furniture etc because we didn't have room for it in his house, alone in a town where I knew hardly anybody - and the people I did know were acquaintances of his. But even that was less stressful than living with him.
After he'd ended things I went to stay with my mother for a few days, and started attending Alanon meetings the day after I got back. I'd attended Codependents Anonymous meetings for a few years some time before, and during that time something shifted - and I'd found for a while that I could let go of unhappy relationships without yearning for the ex-partner. That ability stood me in good stead whilst rebuilding my life.
I'd known him socially for a couple of years before I got romantically involved with him, and in the early days of our relationship most of our communication was via skype. I recall one evening he said he'd just drunk a bottle of wine. He then went on to get very angry and defensive about it without me making any comment.
These days, with the experience of both him and Alanon, I'd be ending the relationship at that point. I wouldn't wait to be lied to, abused, gaslighted and taken advantage of financially before deciding the relationships wasn't going to work.
As to how many chances do you give them? Depends how many times you want a spin on that old merry-go-round. I personally wouldn't even contemplate getting on it in the first place these days.
You may still decide to continue your engagement; you may also find it helpful to look at the many threads on here from people who've married alcoholics, to let yourself know what you'd be signing up to.
When you think about your ideal marriage, what you might have wanted for yourself since childhood, compare this with the experiences related by others on this board.
I'd been living with him for about a month when I told him I was frightened of his drinking. He then stopped for the next few weeks, telling me that once the Christmas period began, he'd be attending parties and would be drinking again. And, wow, did he mean it!
The relationship ended one evening when I'd been out all day, we'd left it open ended because he was going out drinking with friends and didn't know when he'd be back... and he had an empty wine bottle and an empty vodka bottle in front of him. Let alone what he'd had when he'd been out. Actually, he ended the relationship - though, looking back, I think I was meant to grovel and ask if we could start again. He was certainly very surprised when I started looking for a flat shortly afterwards.
So... I found myself at the beginning of the New Year in 2012 with nowhere to live (my own house was rented out to tenants and I couldn't have it back for several months), no job, had got rid of most of my furniture etc because we didn't have room for it in his house, alone in a town where I knew hardly anybody - and the people I did know were acquaintances of his. But even that was less stressful than living with him.
After he'd ended things I went to stay with my mother for a few days, and started attending Alanon meetings the day after I got back. I'd attended Codependents Anonymous meetings for a few years some time before, and during that time something shifted - and I'd found for a while that I could let go of unhappy relationships without yearning for the ex-partner. That ability stood me in good stead whilst rebuilding my life.
I'd known him socially for a couple of years before I got romantically involved with him, and in the early days of our relationship most of our communication was via skype. I recall one evening he said he'd just drunk a bottle of wine. He then went on to get very angry and defensive about it without me making any comment.
These days, with the experience of both him and Alanon, I'd be ending the relationship at that point. I wouldn't wait to be lied to, abused, gaslighted and taken advantage of financially before deciding the relationships wasn't going to work.
As to how many chances do you give them? Depends how many times you want a spin on that old merry-go-round. I personally wouldn't even contemplate getting on it in the first place these days.
You may still decide to continue your engagement; you may also find it helpful to look at the many threads on here from people who've married alcoholics, to let yourself know what you'd be signing up to.
When you think about your ideal marriage, what you might have wanted for yourself since childhood, compare this with the experiences related by others on this board.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Sydney, Australia
Posts: 27
Hi guys,
So this morning as my fiance was leaving for work, we started talking again. He is basically putting the ball in my court, which should make things easier right?
He said he knows he has a problem now, he knows what he wants, he wants me. Does he want to be an alcoholic? No. Does he want to drink? Yes. That was pretty much the conversation.
He said it feels like I'm just using the drinking as an excuse to break up with him. Maybe I am. I said, you can't expect to keep shitting all over someone and think that they'll just take it again and again, something has to change.
So he said, well you know where I am, it would be nice if you could make up your mind and let me know what you want.
Really confused right now. I've been with this man for 5 years, I know it doesn't seem like much but it feels like it. We met when I got a job at the local supermarket when I was 15 and I instantly fell for him. He is my first love, first everything. We've travelled together, experienced so much together already, our families know eachother etc..
But he's right about one thing, my love for him has changed. I think I knew it was over a long time ago but I didn't want to admit it to myself. And seeing as we live together already, the practicalities of splitting up made it harder still. What do I do? Do I start looking for a new place now? Even though his name isn't on this lease, I wouldn't want to live here still. Do I change my number? What about our savings account that we had been using for our wedding? It is so complicated!!!
Please keep your advice coming guys.
So this morning as my fiance was leaving for work, we started talking again. He is basically putting the ball in my court, which should make things easier right?
He said he knows he has a problem now, he knows what he wants, he wants me. Does he want to be an alcoholic? No. Does he want to drink? Yes. That was pretty much the conversation.
He said it feels like I'm just using the drinking as an excuse to break up with him. Maybe I am. I said, you can't expect to keep shitting all over someone and think that they'll just take it again and again, something has to change.
So he said, well you know where I am, it would be nice if you could make up your mind and let me know what you want.
Really confused right now. I've been with this man for 5 years, I know it doesn't seem like much but it feels like it. We met when I got a job at the local supermarket when I was 15 and I instantly fell for him. He is my first love, first everything. We've travelled together, experienced so much together already, our families know eachother etc..
But he's right about one thing, my love for him has changed. I think I knew it was over a long time ago but I didn't want to admit it to myself. And seeing as we live together already, the practicalities of splitting up made it harder still. What do I do? Do I start looking for a new place now? Even though his name isn't on this lease, I wouldn't want to live here still. Do I change my number? What about our savings account that we had been using for our wedding? It is so complicated!!!
Please keep your advice coming guys.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
He is attempting to shift the responsibility for his sobriety and choices and behavior onto your shoulders. That is not "putting the ball in your court" because there is nothing proactive for you to do that will actually help him. That is avoidance and blame shifting. Actual drinking is just the tip of the alcoholism iceberg, there is a whole other set of behaviors that goes hand in hand with addiction. That's why quitting drinking for a couple of days is not going to alter the course of his disease in any significant way. He is not doing anything to work on those other behaviors.
If you don't want him exactly as he is right now, then he is not the right man for you to marry. Him changing his entire life and value system (because that is what it will take for him to live in sobriety) should not be a condition for your happiness in this relationship.
He is trying to guilt you into staying on his terms. This is a good time to think about what you really want in your life and in your future.
If you don't want him exactly as he is right now, then he is not the right man for you to marry. Him changing his entire life and value system (because that is what it will take for him to live in sobriety) should not be a condition for your happiness in this relationship.
He is trying to guilt you into staying on his terms. This is a good time to think about what you really want in your life and in your future.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Originally Posted by feelsohelpless
Hey everyone,
Just to recap my situation, my 28 year old fiance is an alcoholic but doesn't think he has a problem!!!
Anyway, last night he went to talk to his mum about everything and came back determined to quit.
This is his 4th day without a drop which I am glad for don't get me wrong, I'm just wondering how long it will last.
He was really serious this time, I'm not 100% naive though as I've heard it all before but I do believe he is making a real effort this time.
So our wedding is supposed to be next June, we were talking about how he could go about his everyday life without alcohol and he asked, what about on my bucks night, can I drink then? And I said, that's 9 months away, hopefully by then it won't be an issue. He just stared at me in anger.
I know he is doing this for me, not for himself, that's why I'm so skeptical.
I just wanted to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation to myself. Alot of the posts I've read seem to be from couples that are already married. I want to know if anyone has been through this before they got married or any spouse who regrets getting married as I'm starting to think that way myself.
I guess what I want to know is how many chances should you give someone once they make a serious attempt at quitting?
Mind you, he won't go to a counsellor/doctor/therapist/AA as he doesn't want "people who have no idea what they're talking about giving me medication for a problem I don't have!".
So that is where I am at the moment, he thinks he can do it alone, cold turkey, I am bot so sure.
Thanks for your advice/opinions everybody, they're really helpful
Just to recap my situation, my 28 year old fiance is an alcoholic but doesn't think he has a problem!!!
Anyway, last night he went to talk to his mum about everything and came back determined to quit.
This is his 4th day without a drop which I am glad for don't get me wrong, I'm just wondering how long it will last.
He was really serious this time, I'm not 100% naive though as I've heard it all before but I do believe he is making a real effort this time.
So our wedding is supposed to be next June, we were talking about how he could go about his everyday life without alcohol and he asked, what about on my bucks night, can I drink then? And I said, that's 9 months away, hopefully by then it won't be an issue. He just stared at me in anger.
I know he is doing this for me, not for himself, that's why I'm so skeptical.
I just wanted to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation to myself. Alot of the posts I've read seem to be from couples that are already married. I want to know if anyone has been through this before they got married or any spouse who regrets getting married as I'm starting to think that way myself.
I guess what I want to know is how many chances should you give someone once they make a serious attempt at quitting?
Mind you, he won't go to a counsellor/doctor/therapist/AA as he doesn't want "people who have no idea what they're talking about giving me medication for a problem I don't have!".
So that is where I am at the moment, he thinks he can do it alone, cold turkey, I am bot so sure.
Thanks for your advice/opinions everybody, they're really helpful
My ex fiance was an A too. I set little goals for him to achieve with his quitting and getting rehab/therapy. He wanted to please me back then. However, I would not wear my engagement ring publicly (he is a very proud man) until he had 6 months of sobriety. He faked it for a while, very convincingly, enough to fool my attorney father and attorney godmother. I later added that if he drank after our wedding, I would leave him, period. He totally went along with this as he was on his please me tour those years. I gave many chances, but in the end, he began cheating on me with a fellow drinker and they got married at our venue in MY hometown (right next to it). It was sick. He followed through with a wedding at that time and location, but to a fellow drinker instead of boring old goody-two-shoes Missfixit.
Again, my answer is 2 chances.
Good Luck.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 66
I found out about my stbxh's drinking the first time 2 mos after we were married. He had many chances for the 2 months following that until I kicked him out. Then he was a dry drunk until I found out he was drinking again almost 2 months ago. That was the last straw. I had warned him when he came back that if he were to drink again I was done.
We will be filing for divorce within the next few weeks. We've only been married 2 yrs (2nd marriage). I'm not putting up with this for the rest of my life. I'm taking care of me and my kids by removing us from this situation.
Your threshold for leaving is different from the rest of us. Only you can decide when enough is enough. You are so young to start your life like this. And if you think that marriage will change him...it won't. And love isn't enough. The closer you get to your wedding, the harder it will be to cancel.
Sounds like he's not serious about his sobriety, not at all.
Read up here and read up on codependency. Melody Beattie books are excellent. And get to alanon if you can
{hugs}
We will be filing for divorce within the next few weeks. We've only been married 2 yrs (2nd marriage). I'm not putting up with this for the rest of my life. I'm taking care of me and my kids by removing us from this situation.
Your threshold for leaving is different from the rest of us. Only you can decide when enough is enough. You are so young to start your life like this. And if you think that marriage will change him...it won't. And love isn't enough. The closer you get to your wedding, the harder it will be to cancel.
Sounds like he's not serious about his sobriety, not at all.
Read up here and read up on codependency. Melody Beattie books are excellent. And get to alanon if you can
{hugs}
Recovered
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,129
I would consider not marrying this person for now.
Focus on you and getting yourself in a good place. Wedding can always be rescheduled. This is serious. Do not listen to what they say. Watch what they DO. Actions speak louder than words. When they have a year of sobriety and act a completely different way because they have rewired (or are in the process of rewiring) their brains, THEN talk wedding.
You will be glad you took your time and waited for them to focus on sobriety.
Focus on you and getting yourself in a good place. Wedding can always be rescheduled. This is serious. Do not listen to what they say. Watch what they DO. Actions speak louder than words. When they have a year of sobriety and act a completely different way because they have rewired (or are in the process of rewiring) their brains, THEN talk wedding.
You will be glad you took your time and waited for them to focus on sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
But he's right about one thing, my love for him has changed. I think I knew it was over a long time ago but I didn't want to admit it to myself. And seeing as we live together already, the practicalities of splitting up made it harder still. What do I do? Do I start looking for a new place now? Even though his name isn't on this lease, I wouldn't want to live here still. Do I change my number? What about our savings account that we had been using for our wedding? It is so complicated!!!
Please keep your advice coming guys.
Please keep your advice coming guys.
If your residence is in your name only then you ask him to leave, and set a date for that. Split the saved money so he has means to get himself another apartment and you use it to pay rent/bills until you can figure out if you want to stay there or move yourself.
Surviving the ending of a relationship is far easier then enduring one with an active alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
"I guess what I want to know is how many chances should you give someone once they make a serious attempt at quitting?"
this is comin from the other side of the fence-the alcoholic.
I was going to marry my sons mom. many times I stopped drinkin, but it was to please her.
she did a very wise move of leaving me. for her own good.
i had a fiancé up until 4/21/05. i had stopped drinkin many times, so many that she would say something like,"yeah,right."
even though i got sober after she threw me out, it was a very wise move for her.
every relationship i had been in was filled with false promises and attempts to stop drinking. they weren't serious attempts. all i did was put down the bottle, not for me,and did absolutely nothing to change me.
i think what im getting at is the "serious attempt" thing. when i got sober, i didn't "attempt' to do it. i did it. saying im going to 'attempt" to do something leaves a possibility for failure.. but if i say im going to stop drinking( or anything else) theres more seriousness in it.
this is comin from the other side of the fence-the alcoholic.
I was going to marry my sons mom. many times I stopped drinkin, but it was to please her.
she did a very wise move of leaving me. for her own good.
i had a fiancé up until 4/21/05. i had stopped drinkin many times, so many that she would say something like,"yeah,right."
even though i got sober after she threw me out, it was a very wise move for her.
every relationship i had been in was filled with false promises and attempts to stop drinking. they weren't serious attempts. all i did was put down the bottle, not for me,and did absolutely nothing to change me.
i think what im getting at is the "serious attempt" thing. when i got sober, i didn't "attempt' to do it. i did it. saying im going to 'attempt" to do something leaves a possibility for failure.. but if i say im going to stop drinking( or anything else) theres more seriousness in it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
Posts: 645
"So he said, well you know where I am, it would be nice if you could make up your mind and let me know what you want."
Translation: "I have made my mind up and I am going to drink. I'm not willing to stop for you, for us."
Honey, I wish I had a "do over" at this point in my relationship with my now XAH. I was so naive. You have a chance for a normal and wonderful life. TAKE IT!
Yes, there are several things to do regarding living arrangements and finances. Just take them one at a time.
You deserve so much more than this man has to offer. Run and don't look back.
Translation: "I have made my mind up and I am going to drink. I'm not willing to stop for you, for us."
Honey, I wish I had a "do over" at this point in my relationship with my now XAH. I was so naive. You have a chance for a normal and wonderful life. TAKE IT!
Yes, there are several things to do regarding living arrangements and finances. Just take them one at a time.
You deserve so much more than this man has to offer. Run and don't look back.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Originally Posted by feelsohelpless
He said he knows he has a problem now, he knows what he wants, he wants me. Does he want to be an alcoholic? No. Does he want to drink? Yes. That was pretty much the conversation.
He said it feels like I'm just using the drinking as an excuse to break up with him.
He said it feels like I'm just using the drinking as an excuse to break up with him.
IF he is an alcoholic, he will never be able to drink normally again (assuming he was ever able to in the first place). Not next week, not on his Buck night next year. When he resumes drinking, he will pick up exactly where he left off. If someone told you they quit having sex for a year, and therefore they are now a virgin - it would be insane, right? Drinking for an alcoholic is exactly like that, sorry but it will never be the same again.
The quote from your post above screams to me that he does not get it. If he is an alcoholic and drinks, whatever consequences he's suffered thus far will be exceeded. Be very clear about that if you choose to go forward with the marriage.
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