Soberintexas007

I wrote in a previous post how my husband had about 4.5 beers in a few hours last night and started to quack about wanting to move out of my parent's home, and I felt very pressured.

Today is his first day back to work (he does not drink during the work week), and he is very loving and nice. When I told him that my dad agreed to match our rent this December, he was very calm and replied that we do not need to rush. This goes to show what alcohol does to his personality. It made him aggressive about this topic yesterday, when in reality he is actually not in a rush, which is how he sounded yesterday.

So, I will enjoy the next five days alcohol free with my husband in which he is loving and caring. I know that I cannot control his drinking on his two days off, but he tends to drink at most 1-2 beers if not in an alcohol saturated environment, like when we were at the casino the other night. Also, now that he knows that I am agreeable to moving out this December, it will be interesting to see if he finds another theme to quack about the next time he has too many beers.

Finally I get to sleep well tonight and catch up on the sleep I did not get last night. I will cuddle and snuggle with my hubby and try and enjoy him one day at a time, as no one knows what the future holds.

NWGRITS

You do realize it will get worse, right? Left untreated, the disease is going to swallow him whole. His only-on-the-weekends drinking isn't going to last forever. Also, remember that they aren't two different people. You can't blame his words or actions on alcohol and sweep it under the rug. He is that nasty, verbally abusive man. You can't separate them and try to justify his behavior. They are the one in the same.

Bullfrog

I have to echo what Grits said. Unless he works a program for true recovery, this will be as good as it gets. Just prepare yourself.

Pia

Until he wants help and fix himself it will only get better. He can go through the motion to please you but until he wants to it will get so much worse.

My STBXAH use to tell me " I could tell him when to stop", "He doesn't have a problem", "He likes to drink at parties" blah blah . . It has only gotten worse along with the manipulation. I thought he was only drinking on the weekends then found out he was drinking on his way home while he was driving. Covered up with different smells. They are very good and what they do.

healthyagain

I just noticed this: "It made him aggressive about this topic yesterday, when in reality, he is actually not in a rush, which is how he sounded yesterday."

What is reality?

It is also possible that with alcohol, he loses inhibition, and tells you how he really feels about it. See, with my husband, when he is sober he is "nice" and actually does not rage. I may ask him, "Are you going to be OK with this? Is this upsetting to you?" And he will say, "Oh, I'm OK. No problem. I am not pissy." Then even a few weeks after, or months, he will remember, and may just explode.

And I absolutely agree with NWGRITS. I wish I could see this myself years ago.

Pia

Until he wants help and fix himself it will only get better.

I meant to say it will only get worse.

hopeful4

I hope you get some rest and relief this week. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best. You should not have to be verbally and emoationally abused or worry that will happen, ever.

Good Luck, and God Bless!

HikerLady

So glad you will get some sleep. I recall those 5 days a week of no drinking very well with my AH. Keep working towards loving detachment towards the alcoholic behaviors and you will soon find that the alcohol quacking will no longer affect your ability to get a good nights sleep.

AnvilheadII

so this plan of yours to move out in December....do you have an idea of where you will move, how much it will cost, etc? this is a VERY good time to think long and hard about whether you want to keep co-habitating with someone who becomes aggressive and unreasonable when they drink.

you say he doesn't drink during the week. add a YET on that. because alcoholism is a progressive series of YETS.

Soberintexas007

NW, I am just hoping that it will not get worse. I am not sure that he is that nasty man that alcohol makes him. I believe that alcohol is a drug/poison and changes people for the worse.

Healthyagain, I do think alcohol lowers people's inhibitions, and they can say things they otherwise would not have said to keep the peace. I do think that my husband wants to move out ASAP b/c my mom called the cops on him, and he is worried that something like that will happen again.

Hopeful, that is true. I am preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. I should not have to worry about being verbally or emotionally abused, and everyone has their limits as to how much they are willing to take before leaving a relationship. Everyone has a different threshold.

Anvil, it will probably be between December and the next six months, depending on if we find a place. We plan on renting an apt. in the same city, as I would like to be close to my parents. My dad will match what my husband pays, so it will not be that much. My plan is to put the rental in my husband's name, and move back in with my parents if things do not work out. My parents have already agreed to this.

Thank you for the other replies, as I read them all and love reading what others have to say, whether I agree or disagree. The other day I was fed up with my husband, and last night I was happy with him. I understand that my husband's alcoholism can get worse, and that there are a bunch of yets. At the time, however, I enjoy him during his work week and try to find things to do with him on his days off that limit his alcohol intake to 0, 1 or 2 beers. I am not willing to leave my husband AT THIS TIME. Who knows what will happen. He may get worse, he may choose to get sober. I have gotten sober without any treatment, although I did attend AA years back. I understand that everyone's responses comes from a particular lens that he or she has developed from their experiences, and I appreciate that. I am just glad that I have this forum for support as I go through this process.

NWGRITS

The truth, the FACT is that he is going to get worse if his disease goes untreated. You can hope all you want to, but that's just the way the alcoholism cookie crumbles. Denying it and choosing to be ignorant about it won't stop it from happening. Yes, he is that dark, nasty man. That is who he is right now. And that man is going to continue taking over until either your AH seeks recovery for himself, or he lets go and succumbs to the darkness. And there's not a thing you can do about it.

Santa

HikerLady you must be married to the nice kind of alcoholic? My ex would wake me up when he felt like starting a fight (several nights a week). It was incredibly stressful going to bed not even knowing whether I would be allowed to sleep.

ladyscribbler

My ex did this also. Then he would sleep the whole next day while I dragged around like a zombie taking care of kids, going to work, etc.

To the OP: staying is your choice, I have no advice about that. Have you been to Alanon?
Also, hope is not armor against the progressive reality of alcoholism. Take care of you, first and foremost. And for Pete's sake, stop counting his beers. How does that help you? Or him for that matter?

LoveMeNow

I am sorry your mother felt the need to call need police on your husband but it sounds like he is blaming her for that decision? I am not sure I have ever been afraid someone will call the police on me .... But then again, I don't drink and become abusive.

Soberintexas007

NW, what is this treatment you are talking about? As a recovering alcoholic, I am not in treatment and am sober and doing well. What does treatment mean to you? AA? Individual counseling? Also, you are saying that if he does not get treatment, he will have to succumb to the darkness. I am not saying this will not happen to my husband, but I know plenty of alcoholics who are still married. Although they are unpleasant to live with, they have not yet fallen into the darkness.

Lady, yes, I am choosing at this time to stay with my husband. I have not been to an Al Anon meeting yet, and I know that it would be a good thing. Hope will not cure his alcoholism, but I am sure there have been alcoholics who have gotten sober, and their partners at one time were hopeful. Because I have chosen to stay with him at this time, my life is somewhat sane if he only drinks 0, 1, or 2 beers on his days off. I just know this. For example, if I had allowed him to have another beer 2 days ago, he was in a bad mood and was likely to become even more irrational. So I guess I did a harm reduction approach at the time.

Love, I think he is upset that my mom called the police on him. I believe she had every right to, however, as she felt threatened and scared.

I hear that many of you are saying that his disease will just get worse and things will get worse. Even though that may likely happen, that is not a fact. Anything can happen. I am choosing to stay with him at this time and see where it goes. I most likely will regret this decision, but that is what I am choosing at this time.

NWGRITS

How about your work on your own sickness; your codependency? You may be an RA who did it completely on their own, but you aren't recovering in the sense of truly understanding the disease and staying on your side of the street. These are the things you learn in AA, counseling, Al-Anon, and here. You are just as sick as he is, and unless you decide to work recovery, you will keep going down with the ship. That's no way for anyone to live. Denial doesn't make it go away.

Soberintexas007

NW,
I joined this site and was in a lot of pain. Since joining, other members have been honest, and their responses have been okay with me. But your responses have been somewhat brutal, as if you lack the ability to understand the pain someone is in. I then read some of your previous posts, and you stated that you do have a difficult time being empathetic because of your Aspergers.

MissBeth

JustBreathe,

I don't think NW is deliberately trying to be brutal, and insensitive. I think the posts are intended to be blunt and confrontational in order to try and force you to confront your denial.

You may not agree with me, but all I can see in your posts is denial of your husband's problem. You are "teaching" him that he can drink and be a total a$$hole to you, and then if he is loving the next day you will forgive him. He will take advantage of this more and more. My XABF was the exact same. He didn't used to drink during the work week, only the weekends, and then one day he had a really "stressful" day at work and needed alcohol to "de-stress" and then he would just use that excuse every second day. He'd make sure he was attentive and apologetic for his behaviour the previous day and I would accept it. It only got worse and worse.

Basically you are going to accept someone who is (at the moment) a decent person during the working week and a jerk on the weekends. Aren't you then going to start dreading the weekends knowing what is coming?

In all honesty, I can't see how you can be a recovering alcoholic yourself and not see his behaviour for what it is. Or, for that matter, see that it's compromising your recovery.

Your own mother called the police on your husband because she felt scared, and that does not give you pause? If my XABF had caused any pain to my family, that would have been the end, then and there.

I totally agree with NW on this one, you have a severe case of co-dependency.

I hope this hasn't come across as too harsh, but maybe it needs to be. You are putting your husband ahead of your own recovery and ahead of your family. Unless your parents were neglectful or abusive of you as a child, I can't believe you would allow your husband to treat them this way.

Please, please, please go to Al-Anon or get some counselling. You really need to see the reality of the situation as the people here already do.

Take care of yourself.

Hollyanne

Justbreathe,
I am a recovering alcoholic and the adult child of an alcoholic/severe codependent.
You might dismiss all I have to say as I might be brain-damaged and am obviously traumatised by my childhood.
You are so far in denial, it is quite frankly, pointless talking to you at this time.

I didn't drink all week either. I went out with my friends and stayed out late and had mostly great fun. I was usually one of the last standing. The only other people still going were the ones who had taken drugs to keep them up.

There were the awful nights when things went wrong.
The drunken fights, the getting into dangerous situations, the poor choices. Oh, and my girlfriends were prettier than me.

I then left the room-mate situation. I was sick of them.
Well, I just wanted to be able to do my thing without judgement basically.
I lived alone and the drinking increased.
I kept working and socialising and moved cities where I was a big partier for a couple of years and then started drinking a lot at hone. "To Unwind".
Everyone was wrong. Family in another country, work, sister in another country. The friend who moved with me, etc.

I went for therapy and that helped but I was exhausted after sessions and drank more. I think I might be one of the few who needed to schedule 2 days off for a 1 hour appointment!

I was told by my therapist that I had to quit drinking after it became apparent that I had a serious problem.
I quit with AA. I left AA because I was "cured".
Something big happened with my friend at work.
She was fired for drug use and her whole world was turned upside down.
She looked like Elizabeth Taylor and also started drinking a little too much.
She had to switch to pills as the drinking was causing problems.
She was a mother of three. Lovely husband.
She had been enabled to the point of near death by her husband.

I had no one to turn to at the time.
I sorted her out and helped with the kids etc, then drank.
I kept drinking.
I isolated to the point that all I did was work and drink.
I rejected visits and phone calls and then felt lonely.
A close relative and friend and father of 4, who had been sober and not working a program killed himself.

He saved my life.
I quit my job.
Moved back home and started from scratch.
I went to AA, got sober.
I have been dealing with Family of origin stuff.
I now have compassion for my dry father and am very conflicted with my mother.
She was warned over 50 years ago about what he was like.
"A hot head". Hilarious.
She says that, not in apology for the carnage of our childhood, but as an attempt to get pity for herself.
She is as sick as ever. So is he. They do their own thing. In their 80s now.
They have a nice little life.
Every day, he brings her tea in bed and a bowl of oatmeal.
He shares an apple with her, every day at the same time.
They watch Fawlty Towers and Mrs Bucket and laugh.

I am still damaged.
I am single.
I am the one with the issues.
And why I wrote this big long story?
Because, you, like my mother are the one who is "normal".
You will bring children into this world on the crapshoot chance that everyone is wrong and then, when they are damaged and hurt, will shake your head and say how difficult your life has been.

I have no pity for you.
I pity your un-born children.
I pity your mother who had to call the police on your punk husband.

I laugh at your complete ignorance.
What son in law behaves like that in his in laws' house?
You both are getting a free ride to set up enough to go out on your own and he can't behave himself?
If you were sane, you would be mortified at the imposition and be gone from their house.
I have no idea how you have the gumption to judge other people's responses and dismiss them for their experiences.
These are the people who got back up and put their lives together after being nearly destroyed by alcoholics and co-dependents.

Your husband wants to move out when he is drinking because at that time ALL HE IS THINKING OF IS DRINK.
He does not care about the help financially, or manners or anyone else.
He wants to drink and your darned mother might call the cops and judge him!
Oh! The injustice!
By the way, since I am probably infuriating you anyway, I might as well remind you that you may want to consider the impact of your situation on your parents further.
It might be a bit stressful for them to have their daughter in such a precarious position, boomeranging in and out of the family home.
They might like to relax a little in their older years.

I hope you take a long hard look at yourself and your marriage.
Get counselling, go to AlAnon and maybe buy your mother some flowers.
The best of luck to you.
Hollyanne.

healthyagain

The truth about alcoholism is brutal because alcoholism is brutal. Period. It is hideous.