iamunique

SIGHSSSS.. Hello good ppl, just gotta vent. So here it goes...my son called me a couple days ago.. he told me he went to detox is on waiting list for a rehab and has a Dr. appointment for his serious health problems. He was very upbeat. I told him i was happy to hear that..and I truly was.. it was the most i have heard him do towards recovery for a very very long time.
BUT NO..It just couldn't be left at that.. there was a motive behind his call.
Seeing how he is doing all this recovery stuff, he asked me if he could move in with me, because there is a job for him in my area.
I told him as nice as i could, sorry but no.
Believe it or not it is still hard for me to say no to him, Because i love him and still want to help him. but SR has taught me so much about addiction and tough love.
His whole attitude changed, He told me, I messed up his life and he's done with me.
I said, "Excuse me? How many years have I been there for you and how many times have I tried to get help for you?"
His reply, "have a nice life." and he hung up.
Yeah, it hurt, but until now I haven't talked about it much. I really have just kind of been numb. My heart hurts for him, and all I can do is pray and detach with love.
As for me, I thank God I can still come here, because I know I needed to get it out. If I don't, I know how easy it is for me to go into a dark place. Isolation is my worst enemy..unfortunately I do it sometimes.
Frankly sometimes I Just get tired of talking about it.
Anyhow, thanks for being here..and if you made it down this far..God Bless you
HUGS and prayers for all} iamunique

suki44883

(((HUGS))) I'm so sorry.

But, hey...good on you for not backing down to the quacking. Who knows if all that stuff he said was true; chances are good that it wasn't. But, even if it was, he still has a long way to go. The fact that he turned on you because you wouldn't give him what he wanted really says a lot.

I know it hurts, but hang in there. You have a lot of support here.

zoso77

Remarks such as this are intended to injure. But this doesn't surprise me. Nor should it surprise you.

You ask if we get numb to it. I'm not sure if numb's the correct word. I believe that sick people do and say sick things. In order to say what your son said, he has to be in a dark, miserable place. You don't say things to hurt people unless you yourself are in pain. So, I think in his own f'ed up way, he wants you to feel what he's feeling.

I can't imagine what it's like for a mother to hear something like this come out of your child's mouth.

But, sadly, it is what it is.

Amysad

Detaching for us moms is really hard but SR will help you through it - I could not have gotten this far without all the words of advice and helping hands of the members here. Prayers to you - stand firm. We are here for you - continue to protect yourself

TimeHeals831

I know the numbness alllllll toooo well :/ although it's different for me because it's my girlfriend and not a son or family member. I just hate those negative put downs that just come out from time to time. It's draining and hard for me to talk about it because I'm just tired of thinking about it all, yet it's the only thing on my mind! But thankfully we have SR to turn to. I'm happy that you stood your ground even though it was tough. Hang in there!

ddincrisis

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can't imagine going through it with a son. My parents are hard enough! I bend over backwards for my children, and I dont know how I could detach if I ever had too. This disease is so sickening....

Ann

If he's heading to rehab I guess the job could wait anyway. If..the biggest little word in the world.

Yes, I found numbness...or maybe it was just an ability to let it all fly over my head as it should. Words could still hurt but I came to realize that the words were not about me at all...they were a reflection of where they came from.

Numbness was better than whiplash from trying to see what direction he was coming from and heading to next.

'Nique, you did the right thing to let him figure out for himself how to manage his recovery and life. Knowing that your home is not an option may speed up his process.

Hugs and Hugs

Txhelp

I think I went through phases of numbness as well. Our body is incredible and really tries to protect us. Prayers for you and your son and good on keeping those boundaries!

sojourner

I agree with Ann. I also have found numbness - or maybe it is that ability to let them own it all. I suppose some would call it numbness, some would call it recovery.

You did the right thing. Their behavior gets very boorish and we find ourselves moving away from it and walking down a different street (My Life in Five Chapters).

We live in a culture that encourages people to blame - and mothers get the brunt of that blame. I like to read stories written for children back in the 1800s or so - they are full of examples of being respectful to all adults including the parents. Heck, they even tell these stories in the context of nondramatic family life - a novel idea that does not happen all that much in children's stories nowadays.

I discovered Runaway Bunny for the first time as the mother of young children. I never liked it until I heard that it was an analogy of God - not a mother.

Hang in there. Keep coming back! You are worth it, and so is your family (including that son!).

Ilovemysonjj

Sending a bear hug to you! Detaching and not taking it personal is very hard when we love our kids with all of our heart and soul! I am sure you have taken the crazy train a time or two in your past dealings with your son. For me, i know the last 3 times have all ended with us detaching. Now son is in rehab and no safety net from Mom. I detach so I dont get in the way.
TT

hopeful4

I am so sorry. That had to be very hurtful. However, remember you are teaching him a valuable lesson by not giving in. That will do a lot for his recovery if he does choose that route.

Big hugs to a good momma!!!

greeteachday

I'm so sorry. No matter how many times the manipulation game is played, it hurts. It hurts to think that the child you love unconditionally and helped in ways beyond measure could be so cruel. But it is part of the desperation - the manipulation - the sickness.

I know some people say that separating the addict from the person isn't helpful and can make it easier to accept unacceptable behavior, and I get that. But for me, I did truly believe that the child I loved, the caring, amazing person was indeed possessed by the demon addiction, and somewhere in there, that loving child still was possible. That view didn't make me excuse the demon - it helped me not to be so crushed by the words that came form the demon's mouth, and to stand aside and put faith in a power greater than me to help my beloved child in her battle with that demon. I also learned to treasure the moments when I saw the child I loved and not the demon.

Not sure that makes any sense...just know that none of the words that he said are truly about you - they are about his pain and desperation...Hopefully desperate enough to do what he needs to do to battle his demon. Hugs.

iamunique

Thank you so much to all for your encouragement. It really does my heart and my mind good.
I was kind of questioning myself whether I did the right thing. Your words reinforced it to me that I did. I gotta keep remembering the definition of insanity.." Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." I have allowed him to stay at my home before ..believing that he was no longer using..then found needles in his backpack and questioned him and actually believed him when he told me..they weren't his, they were his gf's dads diabetic needles and he was borrowing the backpack from the dad, and didn't know they were in there. Can I get a big DENIAL here?
When I start questioning myself, I need to remember that i cannot trust him. He has lied and stolen from me too many times.
Most importantly of all, I have a precious 13 yr old, that as much as we both love my AS..I can't have him or me be around his addiction anymore.
Anyhow, it's just good to get it all out, and so good to have a safe place like here (with ppl who understand) to do it.
I am so grateful for everything that SR has taught me and all the loving people here.
Again, I Thank-you all for being here and sharing your experience, strength and hope.
Hugs and Prayers, iamunique

njw1968

I'm so sorry to hear that. This is my fear of what will happen with my 17 year old. You are so strong to be able to say no. That will help him. I can't believe how manipulative our children can be. My son is a lot like that. I am glad to have SR but feel that this is going to be a lifetime of struggle for all of us. I'm like you, I go into a very dark isolation. If something bad happens to my son I'm afraid I would curl up and rot away. My daughter needs me and it would destroy her. Go you have other kids? How do you handle that if so? I'm sick to my stomach a lot. I'm single and trying to hold it together. Prayers for you and your son.

njw1968

How is your daughter doing now? Those were very helpful words. I know my son is a caring and loving young man but this addiction is a demon and I wish I could kill it.

Amysad

For me I don't believe my daughter is a caring and loving person - I think that is what addiction does - it sucks the good right out and attempts to take the rest of the family down as well. I'm finally at a point where I am becoming comfortable with my decision to disengage because the person I gave life to is gone and what remains is nothing I want in my life or the lives of the rest of the family. It sounds harsh but I'm finally there. Sadness replaced by bitterness replaced by a doable and livable void.

daisy6234

At the beginning of my sons recovery I realized I had to grieve as if it was the death of the son I knew. When he was in detox he wanted me to pick him up. Good thing i had someone who said leave him. He said the same things. Manipulation. It is still the drugs talking but it starts to become them. Stay firm, your younger daughter needs you to stand firm so her life does not want to mask her feelings with other things. We are so worn down by everything we start to doubt ourselves on standing firm and so wanting to believe them.
Keep talking and try not to isolate anymore.

LovesToTravel

Iamunique, you did the right thing. You saved your family from the storm if you let him back in. I'm still trying to figure out how to get my son out. He has nothing, no job, no money and many health problems. **sigh** Hang in there.

iamunique

HUGE HUGS and thank you to all of the above^^

(
(((NJW) hugs to you sweetie you sound like me, 12 YRS ago when I came here to SR. All Can say is it is the best thing I Have ever done for myself.
SR Taught me how to take care of me. The beautiful ppl here unconditionally loved me and taught me how to take the focus off what my 3 A's were doing and not doing.. (detach with love) ..and how to learn to love myself. My 3 A's are my" ex" HUB
and the 2 others.: my 32 yr old son(mentioned above)
and my 30 yr old daughter(who is a highly functioning drinker).She doesn't give me much prblm but still I Worry abt her.
In answer to your question..I have a 13 yr old boy who I Have naturally kept sheltered from it all as best as I can..He's smart so he isn't totally in the dark. I tell him the truth when he asks, but leave the ' gory' parts out.
At this point in his life He adores his father, brother and sister and knows abt their use..and absolutely wants nothing to do with drugs or alcohol
Anyhow I Could go on and on lol
Just gotta say keep coming back and it does work, if you work it

HUGE HUGS and Prayers
iamunique

Ann

'Nique, we've been here 12 years...but we're a lot healthier today than we were back then...even though we haven't aged a day.

Gosh, your 13 year old was only 1 when this all began (here at SR). How time flies, how fast they grow up.

Love you lots and I'm glad you've walked with me along the way.

Hugs