Am I wrong?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Canada.
Posts: 795
Am I wrong?
I am perfectly willing to apologize to Ah if i am wrong here, but I need to ask first.
Ah is away on business. He said before he left that because it was business, he could pay for everything with his expense account. Last week $153 was missing. Today another 60. Also a debit for a bottle of booze. I ask what the money was withdraw for. He says he likes cash. I said that he told me he didn't need out account, what is the cash for. He says, I don't know what to tell you. So i called him, thinking maybe he misunderstood, i dunno. When he answers, i asked and then it started. Yelling at me. I told him I didn't deserve that and hung up. He texted, why don't you accept my answers. I said that I just wanted to know and as we have a joint account it was my right to ask without being yelled at. Then the inevitable "I'm looking soooooooo forward to coming home" i told him that was rude and he told me to **** off. That i always twist things to suit myself, why can't I just accept what he says.
Am I wrong here? I have been so careful to not say or do anything remotely negative, to the point of rearranging my schedule so I could work overtime without causing a problem with daycare. Would have really liked to have just a shoulder to talk things over with buthe knew it would upset him. He can't handle anything outside of this own little world.
Was I wrong to ask anything?
Ah is away on business. He said before he left that because it was business, he could pay for everything with his expense account. Last week $153 was missing. Today another 60. Also a debit for a bottle of booze. I ask what the money was withdraw for. He says he likes cash. I said that he told me he didn't need out account, what is the cash for. He says, I don't know what to tell you. So i called him, thinking maybe he misunderstood, i dunno. When he answers, i asked and then it started. Yelling at me. I told him I didn't deserve that and hung up. He texted, why don't you accept my answers. I said that I just wanted to know and as we have a joint account it was my right to ask without being yelled at. Then the inevitable "I'm looking soooooooo forward to coming home" i told him that was rude and he told me to **** off. That i always twist things to suit myself, why can't I just accept what he says.
Am I wrong here? I have been so careful to not say or do anything remotely negative, to the point of rearranging my schedule so I could work overtime without causing a problem with daycare. Would have really liked to have just a shoulder to talk things over with buthe knew it would upset him. He can't handle anything outside of this own little world.
Was I wrong to ask anything?
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Are you asking if you are wrong to call him out about the missing money from your (joint??) bank account? No, you are not. However, it sounds like things escalated pretty quickly from your first question.
There are several factors at play here. Do you normally account for all cash withdrawals from the joint account? Are you both in agreement that both people need to know what each other buy? Do you each have other accounts and this is the household account or is this the only account for both of you? Do you each get discretionary money from that account? Do you normally account for discretionary money?
You knew he made a debit purchase of alcohol. Were you trying to get him to admit this to you? (What do you think that will accomplish?)
I have had jobs with credit cards given for travel and jobs where I had to pay for everything myself and then get reimbursed later. You mention an expense account for his work, does that mean a work credit card or petty cash, or is he expected to use his money and then get re-imbursed?
What do you hope to gain from asking him about the money?
There are several factors at play here. Do you normally account for all cash withdrawals from the joint account? Are you both in agreement that both people need to know what each other buy? Do you each have other accounts and this is the household account or is this the only account for both of you? Do you each get discretionary money from that account? Do you normally account for discretionary money?
You knew he made a debit purchase of alcohol. Were you trying to get him to admit this to you? (What do you think that will accomplish?)
I have had jobs with credit cards given for travel and jobs where I had to pay for everything myself and then get reimbursed later. You mention an expense account for his work, does that mean a work credit card or petty cash, or is he expected to use his money and then get re-imbursed?
What do you hope to gain from asking him about the money?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Canada.
Posts: 795
I don't know what i was hoping to accomplish. We have no discretionary spending. We are beyond broke. The whole two weeks he's been gone, i spent money on pizza today. That's it. I guess I just wanted to know if I was out of line for asking him.
I called him now to try to talk about it. He hung up on me. I am so tired of being alone. I am so tired of always being a bitch. I am so tired of being me. I try so hard.
I called him now to try to talk about it. He hung up on me. I am so tired of being alone. I am so tired of always being a bitch. I am so tired of being me. I try so hard.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
No you weren't wrong. Money is tight and he is withdrawing cash to spend on - whatever. Nothing that appears to benefit the family.
Financial abuse is another type of abuse. You are pinching pennies at home while he's making withdraws from the ATM because "he likes cash."
It's not you.
Financial abuse is another type of abuse. You are pinching pennies at home while he's making withdraws from the ATM because "he likes cash."
It's not you.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 67
Soverylost, I used to go through this with my newly RAH. He had his corporate card and they would reimbursement him up to a certain daily dollar amount. Once he used all the money work would give him he would switch to our money every night. He would open multiple tabs at the same bar in one night. He always lied about what was going on and would refuse to work on a budget or talk about it. Our budget was also very tight. I wouldnt ever buy anything and get so angry at him. He was fired from his job for drinking and now we are left with money that we have to pay out of pocket because he abused his use of the card. ( Credit that he wouldn't of had at his disposal without the card.)
I guess my point is that in my opinion you were not wrong. It's a joint account. You pretty much can assume you know what the money is for. In my experience i doubt you ever get a clear and honest answer. Maybe you don't really need one. I don't know. When I finally knew what was going on it was too late but i dont know if there had been much I could do about it at the time.
I'm sorry, this is just like what we had and it's no fun. Personally I don't think asking is wrong.
I guess my point is that in my opinion you were not wrong. It's a joint account. You pretty much can assume you know what the money is for. In my experience i doubt you ever get a clear and honest answer. Maybe you don't really need one. I don't know. When I finally knew what was going on it was too late but i dont know if there had been much I could do about it at the time.
I'm sorry, this is just like what we had and it's no fun. Personally I don't think asking is wrong.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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Instead of asking what's right or wrong, perhaps ask what's healthy for you. In my experience, there is no way to have logical conversations such as the spending of $$ on alcohol with an active alcoholic. The best advice I've seen around here is opening an account of my own to be able to pay bills and take care of myself and our son. My husband is sober now and working his recovery, but before that I was finally able to see that it would have been healthy for me to have done that long ago. The only steps I see to getting to that point was working my own recovery. I go easy on myself for the fact that it's on no one's timeline but my own. It's okay not to have all the answers or not to see all the options. More will be revealed is now a wonderful phrase to me, where for a long time I dreaded that.
You'll be okay. You'll be able to trust your instincts again. Baby steps. Work on yourself and it'll come. ((((hugs)))))
You'll be okay. You'll be able to trust your instincts again. Baby steps. Work on yourself and it'll come. ((((hugs)))))
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
I don't think asking about a joint account is wrong, either, and if he had nothing to hide there would be no cause for that question turning into a fight.
But you know that and you know he's spending money your family can't afford on alcohol and who knows what else, but it's not on family expenses.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this bad treatment. You don't deserve to be yelled at, sworn at, and feel like you have to walk on eggshells so as not to risk upsetting him. He's gonna get upset anyway. Try to take care of yourself. You DON'T deserve to be treated this way.
But you know that and you know he's spending money your family can't afford on alcohol and who knows what else, but it's not on family expenses.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this bad treatment. You don't deserve to be yelled at, sworn at, and feel like you have to walk on eggshells so as not to risk upsetting him. He's gonna get upset anyway. Try to take care of yourself. You DON'T deserve to be treated this way.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Canada.
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I'm so scared. He totally lost it, said he's not coming home, screamed at me, called me some very colorful names. Our daughter will be so sad. She's 15. Our son is 2 and adores him. My mom will be so disappointed in me. Me, the good child, the stable child, like this. I cant make it financially on my own. What happens tomorrow if he does come home? I feel so alone. And all because I asked him why he pulled money. I have no one I trust to talk to. So alone.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Southwest
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Not that I have much experience in this, but it might be beneficial to pull some money out of the account so that way if he does come home tomorrow or if he doesn't and tries to drain the whole account, you and your kids will not be left with out a way to get out or feed yourselves. Just a thought. Big hugs for what you are going through.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
Originally Posted by soverylost 
My mom will be so disappointed in me. Me, the good child, the stable child, like this. I cant make it financially on my own. What happens tomorrow if he does come home? I feel so alone. And all because I asked him why he pulled money. I have no one I trust to talk to. So alone.
Sounds to me like your husband has a hell of a guilty conscience. That's usually at the bottom of a ballistic response to a normal question.
If you were making sizable daily withdrawals, do you think he'd ask? You bet he would.
Also, don't worry, he will be back. It's not that easy to get rid of an alcoholic spouse. Not by a long shot.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
He is using your fears to gain control of you and this situation. Addicts will exploit every insecurity we have, if we allow it!!
Fear kept me stuck for a long time. Once I worked on my fear issues, my entire attitude and life changed so much for the better.
Fear kept me stuck for a long time. Once I worked on my fear issues, my entire attitude and life changed so much for the better.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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I think I'm going crazy. Now he's ranting about how another man would be a better father and how the courts are on my favour. I never said anything about either of those. On and on and on and yet. I still love him. How crazy am I?? How sick am I?? How freaking scared am I??
We are on hour seven of this fight. All because I asked why he pulled money. This is not the man I married. I am so confused and hurt and turned around and upside down and backwards. I am so freaking lost. I feel like God has abandoned me.
We are on hour seven of this fight. All because I asked why he pulled money. This is not the man I married. I am so confused and hurt and turned around and upside down and backwards. I am so freaking lost. I feel like God has abandoned me.
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Join Date: Jul 2006
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You've asked a reasonable question, and it's turned around and you are being put on the defensive - suddenly the focus is off him and he's safe from any more questions. It's hard to see this when you're inside the hurricane
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
I'm going to be very blunt here: screw your mother and her opinions. She doesn't factor into this at all. Your AH is verbally, emotionally, and financially abusive. Momdukes can go take a long walk off a short pier if she doesn't like the way it's going. You are trying to fix something that you have no ability to fix. Your AH is choosing drinking over everything else. That is his choice, and he has every right to make it. Just like you have every right to be free and happy with yourself. If that means leaving, then so be it. The alternative is a pretty miserable existence.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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Originally Posted by soverylost
I'm so scared. He totally lost it, said he's not coming home, screamed at me, called me some very colorful names. Our daughter will be so sad. She's 15. Our son is 2 and adores him. My mom will be so disappointed in me. Me, the good child, the stable child, like this. I cant make it financially on my own. What happens tomorrow if he does come home? I feel so alone. And all because I asked him why he pulled money. I have no one I trust to talk to. So alone.
I hope things have settled down. Now, since you cannot control him or his alcoholism or whether or not he will be a good provider, father and husband, what can you do? What can YOU control? .... YOURSELF! Yeah, you can have control and gain balance back.
Since money is a tight spot and it sounds like you need some of your own funds that he doesn't need access to or even know about at this point. Do you work? Could you get more hours or take a second job? If you don't work, could you get something, anything, part-time, etc. Retail and restaurants are always looking for new people. That is a place to start if you have no other options right now. I have done both and I know you can make money to pay the bills in the short term (some do in the long term too). Do you have anyone who can help with the toddler while you work? Mom, your 15 year old would be great. Pay her a bit and she makes money too!
You can work this out. Get a little financial independence while he is still paying the overhead bills. PM me if you want to talk things out.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
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First I would stop answering his calls.
Second I would go pull out funds from the account to safeguard what is needed for your family.
or maybe vice versa.
he will be mad but so what? he is anyway.
He is out of town, you can step off the battlefield.
Second I would go pull out funds from the account to safeguard what is needed for your family.
or maybe vice versa.
he will be mad but so what? he is anyway.
He is out of town, you can step off the battlefield.
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