Flossy71

Why would someone who admits they are an alcoholic, who achieved sobriety for 10 years after almost dying, continue to regularly drink after their first relapse 4 years ago? This is on and off. He has apparently had periods where he has stayed sober for 6 months, but in the 18 months I've known him he hasn't been able to get beyond 6 weeks without becoming increasingly difficult to be around, downright rude and will ultimately go to great lengths to pick arguments, over reacting to the slightest thing and walking out then calling several hours later to accuse me of sounding drunk when I haven't touched a drop (I'm not alcoholic). Shortly after, if he hasn't already done so without my knowledge, he will relapse and binge until he is unconscious. The amount he drinks in one sitting I'm surprised he is alive tbh. The following day he tells me he has serious DTs to the extent he struggles to hold things his hands shake so much, anxiety and paranoia he's going to have a seizure. Then he says enough is enough, goes back to AA and about a month later it all starts again, the irritability, losing interest in going to meetings, intolerable to be around. If he readily admits he's an alcoholic, goes to AA, has a sponsor and does the steps, why does he repeatedly relapse - is he saying what he knows people want to hear, that he's going to regain his sobriety, but really doesn't want to or is he genuinely unable to get and stay sober? Bearing in mind that I've seen him on many occasion be around people drinking and not take a drink. I've seen him be handed an alcoholic drink and he gave it away (this was before I knew he was an alcoholic).

AnvilheadII

an alcoholic's nature is to drink....stopping and staying stopped is a long term ongoing process. and relapses after a number of years in recovery is very difficult to overcome.

see the disease progresses whether the alcoholic is drinking or not. after a period of years of sobriety if they drink again, it's not like going back to their first drink ever. it's as if they never stopped.

one has to go thru some pretty intense mental gymnastics to make the choice to drink again after mutliple years of sobriety. for me it was 7.5 years. i didn't make that decision lightly....but i still made it. and by doing so i took everything i had been taught in AA and just chucked it right out the window. said thanks but no thanks, i'd rather drink.

he's doing what addicts do......

Stung

I'm not an alcoholic. I'm not an addict at all. So there is your grain of salt.

MY understanding is that sobriety is indeed a choice. However, almost everything in life is a choice. Why does anyone do anything that they do?

I find that when I start questioning why my alcoholic husband does the things that he does, that I need to turn the focus back to myself. Why does his drinking bother me so much? Why am I staying in a relationship with an active alcoholic if his drinking bothers me? What are my boundaries and am I enforcing them effectively? Am I enforcing them at all? What do I expect from my alcoholic husband and maybe my expectations needs to be tailored?

jacrazz

I asked my 71 year old pickled alcoholic uncle why he drinks and he said. "Because I like it".....I believe this the THE MOST HONEST answer I have ever heard come out of a drinks mouth!!

happybeingme

I think its a bit of both. He is saying what he thinks people want to hear and he does want sobriety again sorta. Addiction is a beotch and until he is sick and tired or being sick and tired he wont get better. It stinks but its what I believe.

BTW I am a recovering alcoholic

Butterfly

My separated AH would say he enjoys a drink but he will also admit that he reaches a certain point and he's drinking for the sake of it and he no longer enjoys drinking but he isn't able to stop.

BlueChair

Well think of making choices with a brain function compromised by substance abuse. This is your brain, this is your brain on drugs. Alcohol is also a drug. We are asking people to make and stick with choices when their brains arent working normally. Its interesting to study the areas of the brain affected or at least it gave me a clear picture of why its so hard to stop. I would also say this person isnt getting the help they need.

NYCDoglvr

Alcoholism isn't a rational disease, it's a mental illness. As someone sober almost 23 years I've heard countless stories of people going out and not being able to stay sober again. First off, it's always a choice to drink or not drink. I've never had a relapse, thank God, so I don't know what it's like to try to stay sober a second time. I still go to meetings because I've seen it happen that people cut back in meetings and then pick up. Including someone I know with over 20 years. At the heart of the matter, I think there's a great deal of self-hatred that is part of this disease and if you don't work hard to change (12 Steps & therapy), eventually the hatred will win out. Self-sabotage is something I still work hard at.

But take any addiction, they're all the same. How many people can't break a tie to a hurtful, harmful person even though they know they're hurting themselves. Or, you're doing great on a diet and decide a gallon of ice cream is ok. Denial and rationalization are always whispering in the ear of the addict.

Taking5

How do you know he works the steps? Has he made amends to you? Has he made amends to others that you know of? Does he work with others? Have sponsees?

There is a saying around the rooms of AA, "meeting makers make it". I disagree. "Step takers make it" is my motto.

Soberintexas007

This is the same response that my husband uses, and I believe him, whereas everyone else will not buy it and believes there are underlying issues. My husband just likes to drink beer, plain and simple.

Soberintexas007

But let's say that it is not a choice. The flipside would be that we are all dealing with fate. Maybe some people stay sober, others don't, some people work the steps, others don't, some people got to meetings, others don't, because of fate. In other words, our choices have already been determined.

cookiesncream

Lots of good insights here. A few more pieces of food for thought. IMHO in the end the decision to continue drinking when you know it is harmful, and can ultimately cause death, is an internal cost benefit analysis for the addict. For some the pull of addiction is simply more important than the bad consequences. Agree completely with happy "until he is sick and tired or being sick and tired he wont get better." There are plenty of people with other diseases that don't like the treatment aka the diabetic who won't take insulin shots, folks that are clinically depressed that don't like the way medications make them feel, so they live with their disease knowing the what can happen. At some point, though some of us are VERY hard headed (ME), though most alcoholics do realize that their addiction has serious consequences but feeding the addiction means more. Not sure this helps much but where I'm at with my current thinking.

Eddiebuckle

It is a choice to pick up a drink rather than deal with the psychological pain that prompts it. Once the first drink is down, the rest is alcoholic roulette.

My guess is that the man described by the OP will not or can not deal with the pain in some facet of his life, and therefore eventually breaks down and drinks.