Are the kid gloves I'm wearing just codependency of a different sort?
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Illinois
Posts: 28
Are the kid gloves I'm wearing just codependency of a different sort?
Hi all. Frequent lurker, infrequent poster, but have found lots of support here, as has my AH, so thanks to you all.
My AH is doing amazingly well in recovery-I'm so proud of him. The 26th will be 6 months clean & sober (alcohol & narcotics-pills).
His rock bottom included loss of his nursing license, loss of a job which devastated our way of life, and has put us in pretty scary financial straits. Borrowing from family members, serious cuts in our household budget, and trying to get the house on the market so we don't end up losing it along with all the equity is my existence right now.
As I mentioned, he is almost 6 months sober-and also almost 6 months unemployed. Due to testing positive for drugs as part of losing his job, he didn't get unemployment.
He has anxiety issues, issues with self esteem (of course) and in the first few days to weeks following rock bottom & loss of everything, was suicidal to the point of gun in hand.
I've tried to be as supportive as possible; he has been working on some things around the house, but IMO, a little on the slow & disorganized side of things. A few weeks ago, I let him know that the get a job, any job, deadline was August 1. Today is August 19th, & still no job. Still many unfinished projects on the house; one very big project which has to get finished before listing which was started in May is still unfinished.
I have been supportive I think. I'm happy to live more simply--I keep a positive outlook in remembering that sobriety wouldn't have happened any other way and ultimately, this is want I want.
The part that is creating the most anxiety for me is the worry I have since I'm the one that takes care of (or these last few weeks, doesn't take care of) the bill paying & finances. I will be honest that I have been shielding him from the worst of it, and keeping how scared I really am under wraps as much as possible. Sometimes, I admit, the fear & anxiety builds & I end up "barking" at him about getting up & getting moving.
I feel like I keep lowering my expectations, but along with my lowered expectations comes anxiety and REAL fear of not having a roof over our head. I still have to keep it together & go to work everyday, frequently resenting that he sleeps in & does things without any sense of urgency at all. To him, a sense of urgency turns into a panic attack, and then the pattern is procrastination to the point of complete inactivity. Another big issue for me is that he refuses to take a job that might put him in a situation where he runs into people he knows that DON'T know about the current situation; he says he couldn't take the embarrassment. It pisses me off a bit that he feels too good to jockey a cash register even temporarily to keep a roof over our head & to help alleviate some of my anxiety & fear.
How tough should I be? How can I try to sit down & have a no **** conversation with him when I know he's going to freak out & then be so depressed he isn't able to motivate himself to do anything? (This is the frequently repeated pattern even prior to sobriety.)
So I guess my codie behaviors are just as ever present as they were when he was using, huh?
Thanks for the space to vent.
My AH is doing amazingly well in recovery-I'm so proud of him. The 26th will be 6 months clean & sober (alcohol & narcotics-pills).
His rock bottom included loss of his nursing license, loss of a job which devastated our way of life, and has put us in pretty scary financial straits. Borrowing from family members, serious cuts in our household budget, and trying to get the house on the market so we don't end up losing it along with all the equity is my existence right now.
As I mentioned, he is almost 6 months sober-and also almost 6 months unemployed. Due to testing positive for drugs as part of losing his job, he didn't get unemployment.
He has anxiety issues, issues with self esteem (of course) and in the first few days to weeks following rock bottom & loss of everything, was suicidal to the point of gun in hand.
I've tried to be as supportive as possible; he has been working on some things around the house, but IMO, a little on the slow & disorganized side of things. A few weeks ago, I let him know that the get a job, any job, deadline was August 1. Today is August 19th, & still no job. Still many unfinished projects on the house; one very big project which has to get finished before listing which was started in May is still unfinished.
I have been supportive I think. I'm happy to live more simply--I keep a positive outlook in remembering that sobriety wouldn't have happened any other way and ultimately, this is want I want.
The part that is creating the most anxiety for me is the worry I have since I'm the one that takes care of (or these last few weeks, doesn't take care of) the bill paying & finances. I will be honest that I have been shielding him from the worst of it, and keeping how scared I really am under wraps as much as possible. Sometimes, I admit, the fear & anxiety builds & I end up "barking" at him about getting up & getting moving.
I feel like I keep lowering my expectations, but along with my lowered expectations comes anxiety and REAL fear of not having a roof over our head. I still have to keep it together & go to work everyday, frequently resenting that he sleeps in & does things without any sense of urgency at all. To him, a sense of urgency turns into a panic attack, and then the pattern is procrastination to the point of complete inactivity. Another big issue for me is that he refuses to take a job that might put him in a situation where he runs into people he knows that DON'T know about the current situation; he says he couldn't take the embarrassment. It pisses me off a bit that he feels too good to jockey a cash register even temporarily to keep a roof over our head & to help alleviate some of my anxiety & fear.
How tough should I be? How can I try to sit down & have a no **** conversation with him when I know he's going to freak out & then be so depressed he isn't able to motivate himself to do anything? (This is the frequently repeated pattern even prior to sobriety.)
So I guess my codie behaviors are just as ever present as they were when he was using, huh?
Thanks for the space to vent.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
tabac210....is he working any kind of a program or just white knuckling it.
I have known some, over the years who have lost their nursing license. It is a tough road, at first, to be sure...but...they were able to eventually get their license back again. They weren't able to take jobs, during the probationary period where they were required to dispense controlled substances....but, they took other jobs and persevered, and didn't let it destroy their lives. These people were working a program, however.
I am saying this to give hope.....I realize that he has had a pretty severe blow to his ego.
dandylion
I laugh when I watch the t.v. show, Nurse Jackie....She returns from rehab and is passing narcotics all over the place!!
I have known some, over the years who have lost their nursing license. It is a tough road, at first, to be sure...but...they were able to eventually get their license back again. They weren't able to take jobs, during the probationary period where they were required to dispense controlled substances....but, they took other jobs and persevered, and didn't let it destroy their lives. These people were working a program, however.
I am saying this to give hope.....I realize that he has had a pretty severe blow to his ego.
dandylion
I laugh when I watch the t.v. show, Nurse Jackie....She returns from rehab and is passing narcotics all over the place!!
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