Meraviglioso

First and foremost, thanks to a friend here who I confessed to via private message and who encouraged me to come clean publicly and seek support.

I drank, AGAIN. When is enough going to be enough for me. I'm just mortified to have to come on here and say that I did, but I did. I had 13 solid days under my belt then I caved at a party.
****Mistake 1, not protecting my sobriety and going to a birthday party with alcohol when I was so new in recovery.
I immediately got sober again the next day and stayed so until a few days later I met my gardener at the local bar to pay him. He offered me a glass of wine and I accepted. I then stayed and drank 3 more.
*****Mistake 2, not protecting my sobriety and meeting someone in a bar to pay them
I then drank the next day because I was so depressed and felt like such crap (see how that works there???) Then, sober again. Until last night.
Last night, I was having a very tough day emotionally. My children's father's new girlfriend is very young and very jealous of me. Yesterday we all had lunch together as the children were yet again staying with him and it was really stressful and upsetting for me. I am not a jealous type person. I also very much value the fact that I have such a nice relationship with the father of my children. So I cannot understand her very much and she makes me nervous and upset to be around.
I wanted to go to lunch though as my ex keeps extending the time he has with the kids. He is on holiday right now, so he has wanted to keep them as much as possible. When he goes back to work they mainly stay with me. I was expecting that they return to me yesterday, but one again (not the first time) he called to ask if they could stay with him agian as he had planned a dinner with friends with kids.

Anyway, last night as I was passing by his house on the way to mine I got so sad and missed the kids so much that I just stopped by a bar to drink.

Whine whine whine whine whine/wine wine wine wine wine

So what is the plan? Obviously I am not doing enough to reach my goal: complete, solid sobriety.

1. no birthday parties, events, etc that include alcohol until I have a solid amount of sober time under my belt. Time to be determined, but at a minimum a month.
2. No meeting anyone, for any reason, in a bar. that was majorly stupid on my part.
3. Daily visits and posts to SR
4. If time allows (not sure of the times, I am 6 hours ahead of EST) participating in the chat meetings here.
5. return to my psychologist. I was trying to wait until I was sober for an amount of time before returning, but I will seek her help now.
6. following my own advice I regularly give. When I feel emotional or sad (it is usually about missing my kids) I will do something caring for myself instead of drinking- a bath, a walk, a facial mask, a healthy meal....
7. I feel like I need to pray or something. I am not very religious though. I am not anti-religion, I have just never attended services or prayed since I was a kid. Does anyone have any suggestions for morning or daily prayers or meditations?

Any other suggestions? Despite my behavioral patterns I am dead serious about giving this yet another go. I am miserable drinking and ridiculously happy sober- you would think it would be easy, right?

Dee74

It took me a long time to fully appreciate how much I'd have to change my life.

I'd been a drinker for so long I really had no defence against others wanting me to join in...

half the time noone needed to invite me to join in...just the sight of drinkers having a good time made me salivate.

My mind knew intellectually I was na laocholic but my heart wanted to find a way to still drink.

I'd given my heart free reign for decades. I needed to listen to my head now and change my life and avoid alcohol for a while.

I needed to put clear distance between who I was and who I wanted to become.

It didn't mean I needed to be a hermit either. I found that, with a little imagination and forethought I could still do non alcoholic fun things, and that life could be every bit as piquant as a sober person

You can do it too meraviglioso - you're approaching break away speed...you just need that extra layer of calculation and strategy to achieve escape velocity

D

Meraviglioso

this is great! Thanks Dee

Soberwolf

This post says it all thank you dee

SunriseSky

Don't forget to congratulate yourself when you make it through a day sober! I know you are feeling discouraged because of your relapse and you have a great plan to avoid making future mistakes, but please remember to celebrate what you are doing right.

Meraviglioso

For the life of me I cannot understand why I keep doing this to myself. My 13 days proved to me I am happier sober. I am happier, healthier, I feel better, I am less stressed, I lost weight, my skin started improving, I am a better mother, I am a better girlfriend, I am more patient, I work harder, I sleep better, my house is more organized, everything is so much easier to accomplish.

I do not even like drinking anymore. Not at all. With the first sip I physically feel like crap, I feel guilty and depressed. Everything is more difficult. I don't even LIKE drinking. Not one bit.


W
H
Y
?

Miaine

Hi Mera. Ive pretty much gone through the same experience that you had (minus the children ). I messed up on my sobriety and im finding it difficult as well. Got drunk yesterday in the middle of the day. Went on a long walk, was feeling thirsty and went into a bar where the barman automatically gave me a beer....then i had another...and another and finally made my way home like a little drunken homing pigeon. Would you like to start afresh together? Difficult things are easier to get through if you arent doing it alone i think

Aine

Meraviglioso

YES. Let's do this. I promise you I will stay sober today. Every time I am tempted I will think of my promise to you. I will not drink today.
Thank you so much for your support. You have mine as well.

doggonecarl

Here is something I try to say and meditate on each morning, from the Episcopal church:
------------------------------------
A morning resolve

I will try this day to live a simple, sincere, and serene life, repelling promptly every thought of discontent, anxiety, discouragement, impurity, and self-seeking; cultivating cheerfulness, magnanimity, charity, and the habit of holy silence; exercising economy in expenditure, generosity in giving, carefulness in conversation, diligence in appointed service, fidelity to every trust, and a childlike faith in God.

In particular I will try to be faithful in those habits of prayer, work, study, physical exercise, eating, and sleep which I believe the Holy Spirit has shown me to be right.

And as I cannot in my own strength do this, nor even with a hope of success attempt it, I look to thee, O Lord God my Father, in Jesus my Savior, and ask for the gift of the Holy Spirit.

HeartsAfire

Hugs & love to you. You know what you want & what you need to do to get it. Read Dee's response again. Over & over. You can do this. I'm here if you need me.

Meraviglioso

Thanks all, I really appreciate it. I know that no one supports my relapses, but I appreciate that you support me as a person, a fellow alcoholic. I will break this cycle, I will. Like Dee said, I just need to get this going and get OUT.

IOAA2

Hi Meraviglioso. I don’t know another reason but it’s been for me and others “we are alcoholics.”
For that reason we cannot drink any amount in safety. I need to remember that alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful.
I had to learn also that I needed to get and be sober for myself as all the promises I made were proven worthless. When I was able to I didn’t need to make promises regarding my drinking and the situations it created.

BE WELL

Meraviglioso

You are so right. My promise to Mianie was ridiculous. I have rpoven time and time and time again that my words and promises are worthless, all that counts now are my actions. That said, I will stay sober today.

freshstart57

It is easy to understand why we do this, Meraviglioso. We have conditioned our pleasure center in our brain to expect a hit of feel-good brain chemicals in response to certain events. This expectation hijacks our rational brain and we look back after another drunk and say, how did THAT happen? Even after some planning, we still get hijacked with thoughts that appear to be rational at the time, but in retrospect are revealed as simply more of that drive to get buzzed.

For me, the answer to this was developing an awareness of these thoughts along with a plan, much like the one you are developing now. This awareness was simply recognition of thoughts that were to accomplish only one thing, convincing me to drink more booze. It is not a small thing, this creating a new positive fulfilling way of life for ourselves, but it is truly a badass thing to do. You deserve this, don't you think? I know you can succeed. Best to you.

Nonsensical

No. I would not ever think it was easy. Having lived through it I know damn well how hard it can be.

But it can be done.

You can do this.

ReadyAtLast

It's good to see you back. Try not to be so hard on yourself but learn from the experience and start afresh. It's great you see that being around alcohol and parties is not a good idea in early sobriety .It does get easier in time but early on I just had to avoid it.The times I relapsed were at a family party and on holiday so I do understand. Great to see you back and be kind to yourself

ultradad

For me it took acceptance, by that I mean, it took me accepting and not just admitting that I was indeed an alcoholic. Once I accepted that had the disease of alcoholism I could then seek the treatment I needed to recover. There are many treatment options that work, but rarely can we 'self-treat' I personally could NEVER stop on my own! I use the program of AA as my treatment options and have never made it this long, ever without drinking! Another thing to remember is that drinking wine/alcohol is just a symptom of the disease. We MUST get help and work a program of recovery in order to recover from this disease.

I recommend AA because it's worked for me and millions of others when nothing else would. I started AA and wasn't a very religious person at all. I'm still not, but today I can say I have a relationship with my Higher Power whom I call God and I pray and meditate daily and I no longer have to drink when life throws situations my way. We have to fight for our lives! I know you can do it! Give AA a try or find some program of recovery and save your life!

Ruby2

Hi Mera, I'm glad you're doing better. I find it more helpful for me to focus on the things I CAN do rather than what I can't. If I focus on what I can't do because I choose not to drink, just for today, the list will get overwhelmingly large. When I focused on the negative " I can't" it laid the foundation for a pity party. I felt denied. I felt put upon. It was so unfair that I can't drink that I drank.

As for the younger girlfriend, she is jealous, probably, and feels threatened, because she covets the past you had with your ex. It doesn't make any sense, really, but that is how I was when I was much younger and a lot more insecure. You can't change any of that.

As for prayers or meditations I find the serenity prayer very helpful. If you prefer a more guided meditation you can google hazelden's thought for the day. It's there for free, online. I also very much like and have found helpful their meditations for co-dependency.

Don't sell yourself short. You had thirteen days under your belt. You have good instincts and insight since you realize that "whine whine whine" can lead to wine, wine, wine. I certainly didn't quite get that for a long time. You can do this.

ESD907

I've a spin from side of looking in (as well as being alcoholic). When I was little, around 8, My dad was acting irrational, I didn't know what I did. One of my older brothers, he was around 16, took me to his room and told me dad is an alcoholic and explained about excessive drinking to me. Then my dad swearing to (mostly mom) that he was quitting, and even at that young age, I could tell when he was drinking, and it was a major disappointment for me and all of us everytime he came home glassy eyed, or was just stupid. I'm telling you this from a childs perspective, its one of the main reasons I quit, was thinking of my children getting older than I was when I understood. As you saw in those 13 days, you managed to get everything done better than before. Of course do it for yourself, but also think of your children. **happy ending, my dad finally quit when I was 15, took mom leaving (took him back) and they were mostly happy for 50 years. And I mostly forgot all the bad times, only 2 stand out, one on that day I was 8 and again at 13 when he got really mad. You have done it and you will do it again. Your plan sounds great.

Charlie117926

Mera:

Thank you for sharing your struggles. It just proves that I am not alone in this battle. You have already proved to yourself that you an stay sober. 13 days is monumental. Please keep in mind most people (me) cant seem to get 5 days sober. Your original post seems as if I wrote it myself for the most part.

Back in January when I first started thinking I needed sobriety. I would go about three days, then get invited somewhere, usually a pub and the result ended the same as it always did when I went to a bar...bad.

Then a few more days of sobriety then something else would come up. Guess what, same end result. Bad.

I still have to realize that I am not that person anymore (drunk.) I am a new person with new interests and desires. Am I frightened that I will mess up? You bet I am. Because it's personal. I do not want this type of life anymore. I have spent the years trying to make booze and life work. it just doesn't. Now that I have a few days behind me. I am starting to see that life is not about booze. People decide to make booze part of their life.

I am not discounting the power of this stuff. I am in the battle too. For me its about mindset and a plan that works for me.

I know you stated that you wanted to pray. You don't have to be religious to pray. God will hear you. Just pray. And please know that many on here as well as myself are praying for you too.

You have no idea how your post has helped me in the start of my day.

Mera, you will succeed, I just know you will. Have a great day.