Lucrezia

Hi people.

I have a question. I'm pretty upset at the moment (though lately I have been crying and upset over everything...)

I quit alcohol on July 29th. So all of August has been me finally trying to remain sober. I've tried before, never making it longer than a month. This time I'm fully committed. I've had many chances to drink since then, and I haven't. So for that I'm proud.

But to be able to do this, to get through this month, I've been kind of a mess. Head all over the place, not thinking clearly, sleeping a lot, at first eating a lot.... EXTREMELY irritable and angry at everything and everyone, and kind of depressed.

Yet, I know what I am doing for myself, finally not drinking, is ultimately good for me.

Anyway! There are a lot of activities I'm supposed to be doing (for my anxiety) so I'm supposed to be getting myself out every day and going to certain classes, groups, meetings, etc. I have been doing those things, and in June and July I was keeping a list and calender of all my activities and everything too.

But this month...I'm finally really working on sobriety, and it's taken all I have just to feed myself and stay sober (and the feeding myself I've even not quite been doing too well at!)

So I had an appointment with my therapist today, and she is extremely angry with me for not doing many of the activities for exposure that I'm supposed to be doing this month. But she knows I just quit drinking. She just kept saying over and over that there is still NO EXCUSE for me not to do these activities, and when I'm this upset is when it's more important to get out and do them.

Now, I agree with the getting out thing, in theory...it's a good idea to keep myself busy and out of the house when things are rough and I'm upset. But in my first real month of sobriety, I can't seem to put two thoughts together or work up the nerve to do all of these things. I've still been able to get out a bit, but not as much as usual. I also have extreme anxiety - gathering the strength to get out and do even one of these activities is quite hard for me to begin with. But this month, in the headspace I've been in, the thought has been overwhelming.

In the past I've tried to do too much too soon, right after quitting, and it's never ended well. So this month I just put all I had into staying sober (and even then, I did get out to some things... just not all the things)

It was very hurtful to me, for her to be so upset and just say there are no excuses. I gave her a calender of things I would be doing (which is what she had asked for), saying it wasn't finished (for next month - I don't have all the info yet) but that I would have it all next time I saw her. But no, she just said "there is a difference between planning to do something and actually doing it" and her tone was just so hurtful. The month before I tried to show her my calender of things I had been doing (I was very proud) and she was like "I don't need to know all these personal things like appointments and such! " when really, ALL of it was exposure. That was hurtful too.

So is it understandable that I've had this month to gather myself together and just focus on being sober? Or is she right, in that there is no excuse to get out and do these anxiety provoking things, through this withdrawal period and through my intense anxiety? I'm willing to hear either answer. I don't know what it's been like for other people who quit....how was your first month? It seems like a good idea to keep busy, I suppose, but on the other hand...I can't even fathom how I would have been able to do that this month (I did get out to a few things though, including sobriety meeting for the first time - that was tough!!) I'm just damn proud of myself that I'm sober right now.

Any advice?

Anna

Wow, the first month I was sober, I did the basic necessities, but no more. Emotionally and physically I was not up to it. I think it was so important for me to listen to my body and do what was right for me. If someone had been telling me to do a variety of activities, I would have been lost. Being kind to myself the first month gave me such a grounding for continuing my recovery.

In fact, it was important for me to learn what to do for myself and when to say 'No' to people who were asking me to do things. Being afraid to say 'No' had led me to overdoing things in my life, which contributed to my alcoholism. So, even after the first month I was careful about what I chose to do.

VikingGF

First off, Lucrezia, GOOD FOR YOU staying sober this month. That's huge. The first month is hard, hard, hard.

I can't speak too much to the whole therapy experience of accomplishing tasks, but I can say that if you are not being supported by your therapist or feel she is being too harsh with you, you might want to address that with her directly. First and foremost, there has to be trust and how are you going to trust someone if you feel chastised or punished if you cannot complete therapy goals to her standards? That seems tantamount to me.

As for getting things done, try for small little things, even if they are in your home and give yourself credit for getting them done. I don't have anxiety or issues with going out, but there are plenty of folks on this site who can speak to that, and I'm sure they will have ideas for you.

Concentrate on the successes of this month, for there are many! Keep it up!

Lucrezia

Anna - Thanks so much for your reply. The more I think about it, the more I know that I have been/am doing what is best for me. It hurts to have my therapist be so condescending and judgmental to me. I don't really know what to do about that situation. But thank you for your response to this.

Lucrezia

VikingGF - thank you for your post too. I have addressed these things with my therapist several times, today included. She never seems to really understand, and always comes back with more things that seem to belittle me, invalidate me, make me feel defensive... then she gets upset that I'm defensive. But she has said that she is the only one who is trained in the skills I need so I should stick with her...and it has been awhile, that I've been seeing her. Hopefully I can find a way to explain. If not... I really don't know!!

The good thing is, this is not going to "make" me drink. I am still quite determined to not drink, even if she doesn't understand me. I have another counselour I can talk to about substance issues, and he will understand I'm sure - I just can't see him until two weeks (or my regular therapist) since I'll be out of town. Um..... anyway, sorry I shouldn't be ranting about all this.

Just wasn't sure if it was fair, what she was saying/doing.

I am actually trying to get myself together and do more/practice more of my skills. And a couple times this week I have been going for walks... there is actually a lot I have been doing. So I feel quite invalidated.

Bleh.

VikingGF

This is the perfect place to be talking about this! It's disconcerting to hear that you are feeling invalidated when you are doing things which I assume are out of your comfort zone. That's huge for anyone with anxiety, let alone someone who is in the first month of sobriety.

As for your therapist, if you have addressed this with her already and her behavior has not changed, and she turns it around and tells you that you are defensive, she is not behaving in a supportive manner. Regardless of how you are reacting, if you feel you need to be defensive, then she needs to examine her own part in that as a therapist. She should be validating your feelings and then exploring them, not accusing and moving on to something else.

We all grow, we all change, and sometimes the people in our lives have run their course. As you become stronger and more aware of your own strength, maybe you will find that she is not the only therapist for you, as she seems to think. It just doesn't make any sense to me to have anything other than supportive, nurturing people around, especially the ones you can choose. We can't change parents, etc, but we can look for new mental heath practitioners.

There's my two cents.

Ruby2

For what it's worth, a therapist telling you she is the ONLY therapist with the particular skills you need sounds kind of fishy to me. Yes, therapists have their own niche specialties but the only one? I haven't been to therapy in a while but if my therapist had ever said that to me while belittling me or talked to me in a condescending tone I would have shut right down and run for the hills. Warning bells.

If you were having anxiety issues prior to quitting they are probably a little worse now than they were because the alcohol withdrawal does increase or exacerbate anxiety. It can be crippling. I did what I could the first month and didn't push myself. There were things I absolutely had to do the first month, like feed, bathe and care for my kids and myself. but other than those things, if I felt tired, I would rest. I spent a lot of time doing things to support me.

Maybe discuss these issues with your substance counselor. It could also be empowering to tell the therapist, in an extremely direct and terse way, that you don't like how she is talking to you, that you will not and cannot accept being spoken to in that way by anyone, and that if she continues you will get up and walk out. And if she continues, get up and walk out.

My husband used to talk to me like that at times and I did just what I wrote above. Once in a while he does still talk that way to me but very infrequently and I stop him cold by doing the warning again.

Congratulations on stopping and staying stopped. This is usually the roughest, toughest part. You are doing it!

biminiblue

As a recovering alcoholic myself and as someone who has tried a few therapists in my day I have to say - I agree 110% with Viking. That therapist is not acting in a professional, caring manner. She sounds controlling and ill-equipped to handle addiction issues.

If you can stay off the alcohol, a lot of your anxiety may disappear. Mine did and I feel like a totally different person.

You made me giggle when you said you "couldn't put two thoughts together." I went to AA for 90 meetings in my first 90 days of sobriety and I said that exact thing more than once.

I treated myself with kindness and as if I was recovering from a life-threatening illness in the first month because I was. I slept when I could, ate all the chocolate, watched endless Netflix TV, didn't do anything I didn't absolutely have to do, and just stayed in Serenity Mode as much as I possibly could.

I hope you find your peace. Stick with sobriety, it's worth it - and it gets a lot easier in the second month.

biminiblue

I wanted to add, I cried every day for the first month. I get you, sister.

Dee74

My first month was literally inch by inch...I focused on not drinking and nothing else.

I don't know your therapist...but to me all this seems counter to the way the very best therapists I have known have acted.

D

Croissant

Yes Hun, that first month for me felt insurmountable. That in itself was task enough. Like Anna said, it's bare necessities.

Sure, get out of the house and go for a walk, but apart from that, I found all human interaction draining.

Is your therapist knowledgeable on addiction? You really have every right to ask her.

Cheli

Hi L,
It sounds like you might consider getting a new therapist. One who understands your needs and is supportive.

MelindaFlowers

My first month was just like Dee and Anna's first month. I could focus on nothing other than not drinking. I was lucky that there was very little stress in my life during that time. My central nervous system was terribly damaged by the time I finally stopped drinking after 9 years of heavy, daily drinking of vodka. I had absolutely no idea how to spend an evening without drinking.

Everything was foreign to me sober: watching TV, listening to music, talking on the phone, and doing things that normal people do in the evening like shopping, walking the dog, cleaning the house. I was glued to this site, reading and reading and reading, hundreds of posts per day. My sleep was absolutely horrible so I would stay up all hours of the night reading posts. I read the "stories of recovery" page too. There are certain stories of recovery that really inspired me and I would read those over and over again.

I had to really watch out for stress too. Even little things like misplacing my keys or my computer crashing (and requiring a whole reboot of the system) made me feel like I was going crazy. I spend most of my evenings on the couch, under a blanket, on my laptop.

One huge thing I did that saved me was allowing myself to indulge myself in any and every single thing I wanted to feed myself or drink except alcohol. My first month was full of milkshakes, tortilla chips, Pepsi, string cheese, french fries, hamburgers, licorice. You name any food that is sugary, fattening, glutenous....I ate it. I considered food and beverage my form a nicotine patch except for alcohol.

One more thing I wanted to add. I'm on day 53 now and I have not been tempted to drink since the first day. I was so incredibly sick physically and mentally that the thought of consuming alcohol just wasn't there. I like to say I was given the gift of desperation. Before I became so physically sick and run down at 32, trying to stop drinking was like a starving wolf trying to stay away from a huge pile of fresh meat. The cravings used to be insatiable and I would always crack. Before this time, I used to always look forward to drinking again: someday. It is from my experience that I can tell you that when you are sick and tired of drinking, really sick and tired, you can stop.

I also had to give up any idea that I would drink in the future, whether tomorrow or on New Years 2020. I have had to come to peace that even when I am healed physically I can't go back to where I was. I have fully accepted that I can't drink anymore. Completely. Once you accept that, the battle is half won.

My first month, (maybe because it was during the summer) was filled with occasions where I normally would have drank. I hosted out of town friends who's number one goal was to sample and buy different types of craft beer that are unique to my region. I took them shopping, watched them drink it, and fill up their car to take it home and share with their family. They are not alcoholics. In fact, I noticed one night when I was at a bar with them that the wife drank one beer and the husband drank two over the course of about four hours. It has really helped me to see how normal/non-alcoholics drink to help me realize how sick and twisted my drinking habits were. For me, it was like a race to see how many units of alcohol I could fit in my stomach.

Also in my first month I went to an arena concert, a casino, a birthday at a winery, out to happy hours, barbeques, vacations, hotel rooms, late night video game parties, and to bars. Why? I was hosting other people and had to be the good host. I also did not even feel like drinking at any of these events. like I said, when you are done, you are done. I could be on a desert island in a cabana, completely alone, with a bucket of ice and a gallon of rum and coke and I wouldn't drink it. I damaged my physical health too much for it even to be tempting. In the end, my body could not take anymore and my brain stopped wanting it.

That said, the first month is still tough if you are physically sick. When I say physically sick, I still drove, went to work, even went to the gym a handful of times so I would say that healing was more mental, but man was it tough. I wanted some immediate gratification, or substance, to help me feel better. I have never taken a benzo in my life but started wondering at certain times: Hmmm, maybe I should start those? LOL..... No, I'm not going to. I realized the only substances I need are water and nutritious food, with a healthy dose of junk food mixed in there.

The first month is a b**** but you have to get through it to get to the second month. You can do this. I didn't know if I could last more than a few days. If you really want to be done, you can be done today!

desypete

my first month was just so dark,
i was alone in my flat, i had nothing in life, no job, no money, my older kids didnt want anything to do with me and my younest 2 kids were in foster care, my ex wife was in bed with another drunk as i had nothing left to keep her in drink

so in short the picture for me was black, i had to fight off the madness going on in my head, as i was in mental torture. i would be pacing around in my flat worrying about anything i could find to worry about, i had to do things i didnt want to do as i just wanted to hide away in my flat and not have to come out as i was full of fear

i had no computer nor internet so my only escape was to go to aa meetings
in aa meetings i found peace from my head, just by sitting there in meetings and listening to other people describe themselves and share about themselves, the peace in the rooms is what i kept coming back for as i found i had no urge for a drink and my head could swtich off

so for me i went to meetings day and night as i had no job so no excuse not to go to the meetings and it slowly all started to sink in

people there took care of me, they kept me company, they helped me buy food i really can not express how grateful i will always be for there help when i was at my lowest point in life
today i never want to go back to that time in my life again so i simply do not pick up that first drink and i get on with my day filling it in by doing things

what i dont do anymore is sit at home doing nothing but worrying about how i am feeling i get off my backside and do somthing, it soon changes how i feel

good luck to you

mecanix

Hi Lucrezia ,
congratulations on the time you've achieved .

Giving up drink made my life a lot better after some time , things "fell into place" with respect to anxiety and worries that used to run round my head …

I hope the same happens for you

Bestwishes, m

Sarah1975

My thoughts exactly! My teacher & my boss (i was a trainee/voluntary counsellor before I realised that I was trying to help others to avoid helping myself) would be appalled at your counsellors attitude. Unprofessional, self-serving & completely lacking in the core conditions... I'm guessing they work mostly with CBT since its an addiction and you've been given 'homework', but still... Please know you have a right to be both proud of yourself for not relapsing and upset at your treatment. Though given their attitude, I imagine they would take all of the credit for your success....

IOAA2

Good for you in your first month sober. My first month sober was a bit of time ago but the bottom line was I didn’t drink even when I thought my azZ fell off.
It was at a time I surrendered and started to listen to those old timers who had done it before me. I did many things I didn’t want to do like be grateful I wasn’t dead yet, remember when the pain was so bad and appreciate each day sober. I was undisciplined and wanted 5 years sobriety the first week and was told I’d have to work for it as it was not as easy as drinking.
It definitely does get better with time if we let it and KEEP COMING as this disease is not a fix for today and forget about it as it’s proven to be powerful, cunning and baffling.

BE WELL

LBrain

I skipped ahead after reading several replies...
Apparently you can still get a therapist license at Sears and Roebuck.
I don't know the background but there seems to be a conflict with reality and this controlling therapist. Done with that.

My first month (after I was freed from rehab) I went to outpatient counseling 3 times a week and an AA meeting every day. Sometimes I went to two AA meetings on the days I didn't have rehab after work. I was unemployed. I didn't leave the house for anything else. I adopted the worst possible diet of sugary foods and junk. I watched more TV in one month than I did the previous 12 I'm sure. I didn't discover SR until around the third month. If I had I would have seen a lot less TV.
So I basically avoided putting myself in tempting situations. I was hiding from something else too - too complicated for here.

Sometimes we must prioritize our illnesses. If fixing one hurts the other...
Sobriety can be a magical cure for many of our ills. I would put that first.
My anxiety and depression were horrible aspects of my being when I was drinking. Now after 8 months sober, not so.

Also, I take zero medications or supplements and the only counseling I receive is from use guys.

soberjuly

The first month was really hard. I have the username 'soberjuly' because I remember thinking if I can just stay sober for july...and now, well it will be Sept soon. It felt impossible because it was my habit. It was what I did. A lot.

I got home yesterday and took the empty soda can to the recycling bin. I had a flashback of all the times I threw away the soda can I have been drinking in the car that had been filled with alcohol. It was strange. I quit that habit over a year ago, and just drank at home, but it still remains that I did do that once and I'm not proud of it.

It does get better but it was a lot of "well, what now?" thinking...

Lucrezia

Yes, she does CBT and DBT. It's in an organization/centre with a lot of different therapists and groups and things, and she was assigned to me because of what she was trained to do. She didn't exactly say I should stick with her, she heavily implied it by saying 'Icould try to transfer you to another therapist but I'm the only one here trained in this and this and that...which is what you need' or something like that.
It's funny because I actually have thought that if/when I get better in the future, despite talking to her, then I will be really proud of myself but she will probably want to take all the credit for it. Huh.

She definitely does not understand addictions. Atleast, it seems that way to me. I kept saying "I don't think you understand" while I was explaining that this month my head was all chaotic and I didn't get out as much and I was spending so much energy just staying sober. She just kept saying "I DO understand, I do understand I just disagree. I can understand and still not agree with you" gah. But it really doesn't seem like she understands, or else she might not have such a condescending tone with me, and belittle all of my achievements (atleast it seems that way to me). I had a father just like this, and she knows that.

It's weird because outside of therapy, she seems like such a nice person...if we talk about non-therapy things it's fine, and we have some things in common. Although she has been referred to by her coworkers as a firecracker, and she has said that some people think she's a bitch, even though she's just outspoken and stands up for herself....well, maybe she takes those things too far. And into therapy, where it probably doesn't belong. But anything I say falls on deaf ears.

I just don't know what to do, because I've been seeing her for two years. In the last year especially is when things have gotten worse...as in she seems more stressed and snappy. And now that I'm quitting drinking (we were trying to mainly work on other things before this, like anxiety, self harm, suicidal thoughts came up but she actually seemed to brush them off...well, she did eventually (after the second or third time I brought it up, saying I felt unsafe because I wanted to die) say I could call the helpline, even though one of my fears is calling people... when I first told her I wanted to kill myself, she basically was like "you wouldn't do that, because you love your family, etc etc" and that was it. so that's around when I started to really get upset with her - but technically, when I tried to ask what I could do, because I was still suicidal even though she didn't seem to care, she did finally tell me to go to emerg or call the helpline, if I felt that way. And that was all she could do. So technically I guess she did her job? Though I felt very invalidated then too.)

Um.... so basically she's this perfect therapist and she's just getting exasperated with me for being difficult? That's how it seems that she sees things...

Anyway I was basically worried that maybe I'm in the wrong on this latest thing - on not getting out much this month and just sleeping and trying to eat and JUST NOT DRINK. Because maybe getting out every single day and doing all the anxiety provoking things would be good to keep my mind off of drinking? No. Okay even saying this I know the answer. But at the back of my mind, maybe she's right... and I should have been getting out.

But I NEVER wanted her to be so condescending to me. Unless that's all in my head too.